Post Long Term Relationship advice

[g3ko]

Hello,

Well, this is my first new post on escapist, and I was really hoping it would be something else entirely, video-game related, or something that I know a lot about, but didn't see it already posted...

Alas, it had to be about the only thing that I never actually wanted other peoples advice about(because, when it's working, you don't need other people to butt in).
So, I've not had a good life in regards to dating members of the opposite sex, mainly because my expectations were too high, I was expecting mature thinking, and a pragmatic approach to life. I learned to go over that, and not expect those things till i'm older and i'll have the chance to actually meet mature people, that want something out of life. Untill I felt right, I sort of sworn myself to celibacy until i'll find such a girl. One year later, she found me, and we almost instantly clicked. I still remember thinking in those short weeks after we met, before we actually started dating that not only is she hot, she's perfect. A mind like none i've ever seen in a girl, and quite the thirst to proove herself, and helping, nurturing, but not annoyingly so, and also hot, just my type in physical appearance.
Years went by, with ups and downs, but they went by happily. Pretty early on we were set on life, we knew what we wanted, and boy did we want to start our life together. And while she was ready, I still wasn't. I had to think things through, is this the one, do I want this. In an instant I could picture everything, and I enjoyed it. I set my mind to it, and everything I've done since was for "us". That point in the relationship where it's not I, or me, or you, it's always us and we. My parents loved her, she was family, and while it took a bit longer with her parents, I also became part of her family.
But, it all seemed to start to crumble right before we'd be celebrating our 4th year anniversary.
Short ammendment: my dad had been hit by a car on the street 7 years prior, and had been diagnosed with stress induced epilepsy. He had to retire, and was home all the time. For the first few years it was fine, but then he started to degrade, slow at first, and then faster every day, almost exponentially.
So, last year, in March, both my parents went for a vacation to Egypt for about 10 days, and I was taking care of the house(which was a lot more work than I thought it was going to be). When they got back, I think it was a Thursday, i'd have to check, I had one more day of a week long interview for a job as a mobile games tester(which turned out to be a weeks worth of voluntary job, since we worked hard, and good, and we all got refused at the end of it). Bummed out a bit, the weekend ensued, and Sunday night, my dad slipped into an epileptic seizure, and then a coma. A week later he died(the morning after my birthday). I was devastated, but I took this as my time to finnally take my new role as head of the family seriously enough to get a job. I did, in two weeks i was hired at another company as a tester and programmer. I could finnally see it within my grasp, the life i wanted, that i didn't want before this with anyone else, was only a few short years from now. I'd finish my studies at college, maybe go further with master's degree, working full time as a tester, getting married, moving in with my gf, everything was hard, but bearable because i could see it.
One year later, I got my year seniority, which means a pay raise, so i'm doing very well finnancially for my age(in my opinion), and with the support from dad's social security(i'm not exactly sure what it's called in english), i could support two people, since my gf was still unnemployed, but looking for the right job. I was supportive of this because i knew how important it was to love your job, to find the perfect one for you, because even the best job, the one you love, can have bad days, and they usually clutter together with others.
But, she dropped this bomb on me: she doesn't want the same things in life anymore, she's too young to settle down, she thinks differently of other people. So, she left me. And now, almost a month has passed since we've even had any normal contact. Three weeks after she decided this, we met for her to give me some stuff that was at her place, and i, in turn, packed her stuff, and boxed it so she could carry it easily back to her place. That was a week ago.
Since the break up, i've had decent days, and horrible days, mostly horrible. It was probably wrong of me to do this, but I had planned my life ahead according to the ideea that we'd be living it together, with the good and the bad, and now I undestandibly feel lost. I've been trying ever so hard to have no contact with her whatsoever, but I don't understand how can she just walk out after almost 5 years. I don't drink alcohol, except socially, I never got drunk since my dad couldn't drink so he'd not smell alcohol and feel the urge, I used to have a cola addiction, but i got over it this february. I'm pretty fit, I eat a pseudo-healthy meal(whatever they have at the cafeteria at work). The only addiction I still have is smoking, but it wasn't that bad until she left, about half a pack a day of lights. I never cheated on her(on any level, either physical or in my mind, yes i know that's a thing).

So, anyone here went through this sudden breakup after such a long time, with no apparent fault? Any advice? I know everyone says move on, but, I don't want to, right now i'm still waiting for her to be waiting for me after work one day like she used to do.
The advice I would apreciate is an active approach, because i'm tired of mind games, of no contact, because "maybe she'll realise" what was was special.

TLR, sorry I can't make a shorter version, maybe I will include one after sleeping on it.

**captcha: lo and behold... wow, it actually works like a magic 8 ball

 

[Trueflame]

I'm sorry, that's very rough. I haven't gone through exactly what you describe, but I think I'm in the process of it.... except on the other side. I've been with my girlfriend for quite a few years, and at first things were great, and then they were simply good, and now they're still maybe good, but it just isn't the same. I've changed, and she's changed, and we simply aren't the same people anymore. We aren't the same individually, and we aren't the same together, and we just don't have what it takes to "click" anymore. And I say I'm on the opposite side of this because I want to break up with her. The thing is, I don't want to, it's more like I recognize that I have to, because it's going to happen sometime in the not too distant future, and it's better to have a clean break and get it over with sooner rather than later, so we aren't wasting one another's time. But this is still comfortable, and safe, and familiar, and life entirely without her seems dark and unpleasant.

It's not a perfect parallel, and I know it's not what you want to hear, but people change, and time marches on, and you can't ever return to exactly the way things were. Were you growing apart, maybe? Could you have worked out your differences and stayed together? Or would you have been plugging holes in a perpetually sinking ship? It's a cliche, but moving on is really the best and only advice I or anyone can give. The future is full of possibilities, and while it is hard and scary and unpleasant, it's also exciting and happy and good. So good luck getting through this difficult period in your life. But don't try to get her back until you've thought long and hard and very critically about your relationship and compatibility with her. And don't make plans so far ahead. As they say, people plan and god laughs.

 

[g3ko]

Thanks for your input, and to answer your question about groing apart, yes, that was an issue a few months back, but we were actually getting better again, or it was all in my head, and she just played along.
As for a decision that I have to make, the decision was already made a long time ago, and i'm not one to back out on a promise to myself, but sadly it's out of my hand right now, stuck in a limbo, waiting for a sign sort of, any sign.
My advice to you, if you want any, i'll post it only if you ask for it, or send it via a private message if you request it, or maybe you'd rather work things out for yourself, but seeing as you've said we're on the different sides of a somewhat similar issue, i leave it to you.

 

[Miyenne]

It's hard, losing people you love. One way or another, be it death, irreconcilable differences, or just simply growing apart. Advice for a situation like this is hard, everyone handles things differently. The cliche adages like "just keep breathing" and "put one foot in front of the other" are pretty much what I go by now, after suffering for a few years after a terrible break up.

I look back on that time now and I realise I wasted so much of my life on something I could never have again.

I don't regret losing him, we were terrible for each other. I regret the time I wasted after it was over.

It's not really advice. But that's my experience.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

You have to control your thought processes with regard to her. Any time you catch yourself thinking about how much you loved her or continue to love her, realize that this person hurt you. Deeply. She ended a very important relationship, one that you had come to believe defined and enriched both of your lives, one that you expected to last a lifetime. She ended it, and with apparently little in the way of discussion. It sounds like she didn't even give you a chance to change.

Now maybe all of that is true. Maybe some of it. Maybe none. The point is: would you love someone capable of doing that to you? Instead of feeling lost because her behavior doesn't line up with the way you feel about her, allow her behavior to properly impact the way you feel about her. Be mad at her. Be mad at what she did. So long as you're not acting out or harassing her in any way, it's totally okay and appropriate to be furious with someone for breaking your heart.

Do not stray from these thoughts. Focus on them. Time is the only thing that heals these sorts of wounds, but it's going to take a lot longer than it could if you don't knock her off that pedestal. And why should she be up there anymore? When she was with you, brightening your days and giving you optimism for the future, why focus on her faults? But now, when she's doing nothing but hurting you, it's time to recognize she doesn't deserve your love.

Then do all the stuff people tell you to do because it works. Exercise. Try to do well at work. Throw yourself into a hobby. If they allow it, reconnect with people you may have swept aside in the throes of your relationship. The most important thing is to do new stuff. Eat new foods, go new places, meet new people. You need to reroute your wiring to escape the repetitive feelings of abandonment and depression.