Question about married people trying to make friends with single people?

[me.vicky]

Hello, all. Been a while since I was here on the forums. Glad to see you all doing well. Ish. This IS the advice sub, after all. Anyways, on to business.

I got married roughly a year ago, to a very nice slightly scruffy young man. Our mutual friends are still our friends. HOWEVER, there have been several instances lately where I have met and been talking to guys in what I thought was a friendly, social context (at work, online, etc) only to have them COMPLETELY 180 on me when I mention I am married: I do the usual introductions, find some common ground on which to hold a conversation, and then as soon as I say "husband," the potential friendship dies. Ket me stress that I am completely incapable of flirting, like, at all, and I never hide the fact that I am married. All I want to do is be friendly.

So I guess my question is actually twofold. 1, Do guys just not want to pursue friendship with married girls? And 2, what is the LEAST threatening way to tell people I am married but still approachable as a human being?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Lilani]

I'm a female so perhaps I'm no wiser than you on the subject, but I would say anyone who would go out of their way to not be friends with you after learning you're in a committed relationship wasn't after friendship to begin with. And if that's the case, then there really isn't ANY way to introduce the idea that you're married without it being threatening to them. I think the most you could possibly do is just avoid the subject of your relationship status for as long as possible, so if there was any chance at them forming any real friendship with you, it could happen and perhaps gain enough mass that they value your friendship enough to not throw it away just because they've got no chance at dating you.

And this definitely isn't a problem with all guys. But unfortunately for the ones where this is the case, I'm afraid there isn't a lot you can do.

 

[Mezahmay]

Oh good, I'm glad it wasn't just me who thought that the guys vicky talked to weren't interested in friendship at all. As a single male, I don't understand why a woman I'm talking to being married excludes her from friendship. Then again, I'm just a male and not much of a man. I don't understand their mindset. Perhaps them setting up an expectation of potential dating feels like rejection or something when they find out. I think Lilani's on the right track and don't make a big deal out of you being married, so not bringing it up is probably the way to go.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well those guys probably found you attractive and then got put off when presented with a dead end, it is also not very pleasant to maintain a friendship with people you are attracted to. It's not a mayor deal but it is an annoyance most will want to avoid.
With couples it is usually also a case of "more then you bargained for", because the moment you become close with one you will be pushed into dealing with the other whom you don't know and they will probably be very protective of their partner, just more annoyance on top. Hell I've had problems with long standing friendships where they suddenly bring their dates along for every event and things get real damn awkward.

I'm not sure there is any perfect solution, just understand that your relationships are your burden that others will not be interested in sharing. The only thing they really need to know is that there will be no romantic stuff going on between you.

 

[CrystalShadow]

Yeah... I'm not married, and hopeless with relationships (And even friendships really), but it does sound like a bunch of guys that weren't actually looking to be friends in the first place...

So if they know they can't expect more than that from you, they give up.

(Oh, and I'm female, in case you were wondering about my perspective on this...)

 

[me.vicky]

Thanks for your comments, everyone. I guess I kinda already know that people who are only your friend conditionally aren't really worth being friends with... Still, I feel kinda bitter about what could've been, y'know? Like the potentially awesome times which could've been had.

Ah well. I'll get over it. But I appreciate your insights!

And @baffle, I'll pass the advice along

 

[Jux]

Gotta concur with other posters here, those guys were most likely not looking for a platonic friendship. Now, I don't know if this is miscommunication, like misinterpreted signals, or the guys not making their intentions clear (or purposefully obfuscating their intentions).

In the short term yea, I can understand feelings of bitterness, but it's probably better in the long term to figure that out sooner rather than later, before you get invested in getting to be friends with someone. As for letting people know, this only works in person, but making sure people can see your wedding ring is a big one. Like, casually doing something with your hand that draws attention to it. Don't really know what I can say for online stuff other than having in your profile that you're married, when applicable.

Good luck with the friend finding, can never have too many friends!

 

[Metalrocks]

what the others said as well; they wanted more from you then just being friends. but then it also could be they dont want to be close to you because they are afraid that your husband will get upset.

my wife told me that she also stays away from married people. especially guys. she thinks she would be intrusive to them and does not want to interfere with their married life and (according to her words) vise versa.

my advise would be to keep it natural.
just have normal and fun conversations. even i talk a lot to the receptionist at work and she is married and has a teenage son. she knows im married too and this didnt stop us from talking to each other. hell, i even have mild flirts with her but she knows that im not being serious and that its only for fun. we are getting along very well but we never had a talk about meeting each other or something like that. we talk about our lives but nothing too personal of course.

also my female coworkers have no problem talking to me and they know as well im married. i never kept it a secret or try to go around it. i just say straight up forward i am married. if they have a problem with it, just ignore them and be your self. as long you have your trustworthy friends and a loyal husband who loves you, dont get it to much in to your head. just be friendly to them as you were before and eventually they could start talking to you again.

also, i never wear my ring. and so far no one pointed it out. even my wife doesnt wear her ring all the time.