Really Bad Jokes

[The Breadcrab]

What do soldiers practice in their sleep? Blanket Maneuvers! (This one I made up! Get it? Flanking Maneuvers?)

"Knock knock." Who's there? "Water." Water who? "Water you doing over there?"

What happened when the teacher asked the student to pass the ketchup? He flunked it.

Why didn't the student finish the fifty-page essay? He wasn't that hungry.

"Knock knock." Who's there? "Misty." Misty who? "Misty bus again, so I had to walk."

Seriously, I could do this all day. XD

 

[LaughingAtlas]

Do parodies count?
*Ahem*
My name is Notch and I'd like to ask you a question; Is a man not entitled to destroy a locked door?
"No," says the man at Bethesda,* "You have to pick the lock!"
"No," says the man at Bioware,** "only jedi can do that!"
"No," says the man at Konami,*** "you have to find a certian piece of junk!"
I rejected those answers, I chose the impossible, I chose... Minecraft.
Minecraft! Where the only doors are the ones you create. If you don't want them anymore, you can always break them down.

Spoiler: I hate to explain the joke, but if you didn't get the Bethesda, Bioware, Konami bit...

*-Morrowind, Oblivion, Fallout 3
**- Only in Kotor did door-bashing work, I think.
***- Silent Hill, all of them if I'm not mistaken.

Also:

Spoiler: Might be in poor taste

A man in uniform goes around knocking on doors followed by 2 gunmen in the late 1930's, early 1940's. He reaches the first house.
Man 1:*knock knock*
Man 2:"Who's there?"
M1:"Gestapo."
M2:"Gest-"
M1:"WE ASK ZE QUESTIONS HERE!"
Gestapo: *knock knock*
M2:"...Who's there?"
G:"Eye maj."
M2: "Eye maj who?"
G:"HE SAID IT, ARREST HIM!"

 

[SacremPyrobolum]

Found on the Shogun Total War 2 steam forums regarding the new food resorce in the grand campaighn.

"Is there anyway to disable the food on it, im pretty much bein hammerd by rebels only as i wanted to build up my castle first!"

"I bet a lot of children in africa would like to "disable the food"."

I lold at this. Is that wrong?

 

[2xDouble]

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.

 

[Silent Biohazard Solid]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he was running away from the Russians!

I'm sorry, not chicken, Chechen.

 

[No_Remainders]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal were playing hide and seek. It was Einstein's turn to find Newton and Pascal, so he started counting to a hundred. Pascal ran off to hide, while Newton walked behind Einstein and drew a one meter square on the ground behind Einstein and stood in the centre of it. When Einstein was finished counting, he opened his eyes and turned around.

"Newton!" he said, "I found you!"
"No," replied Newton, "You found Pascal."


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Maths and physics jokes are the first sine of madness.


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Spoiler: How many customs officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I dunno, but it must be hard when they've got their hand up someone's arse!

 

[Zhukov]

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

 

[MellowFellow]

Spoiler: What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop?

Take me to your liter.

Spoiler: What kind of monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon.

 

[The Diabolical Biz]

Nice and kind of recently topical:

Spoiler: How did the pig get on the roof?

Because the Swine FLU!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa...ha...I'll get my coat

 

[Saxm13]

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He got his gas bill.

___________________________________


What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

_____________________________________

Those are some of the worst i've ever heard. xD

 

[VaudevillianVeteran]

"My sister has no nostrils."
"Oh? How does she smell?"
"Terrible."

...I'll be here until next Wednesday.

 

[Trogdor1138]

Spider man 3

LOL!

My favourite joke of all time is the talking muffin thing, I can't be bothered typing it but I'm sure you can find it or know it. It's absolute genius satire at the same time.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

Where's my dad when you need him...?

 

[icyneesan]

http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

/ Every joke related thread EVER

 

[Antitonic]

I used to be a parrot, but I got better.

I used to be a parrot, but I got better.

I used to be a parrot, but I got better.

I used to be a parrot, but I got better.

 

[The_ModeRazor]

Rorschach: I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he?s depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, ?Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.? Man bursts into tears. Says, ?But doctor? I am Pagliacci.? Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.