Now my anime standards have to be a little looser than my game standards.
Why?
Well anime has never delivered anything as terrifying and well written as Silent Hill 2 or as hilarious as Portal. The medium hasn?t matured well over the years, but that doesn?t stop me from watching it.
Why?
The slice of life genre Nothing detoxifies me after shitty action games like Lucky Star which, for as bizarre as it can get, still has some grounding in reality which allows it to keep some charm. Plus, Aya Hirano is a pretty good voice actor. So, continuously seeking new Lucky Stars, I comb anime, hoping to find what?s good.
Now bare in mind, this list is based on animes I have seen this year, not strictly animes that came out this year. There will be old shit and new stuff, so before anyone complains, yes I know some of the items came out up to six years ago. Right, lets go.
#5 Best: Schwarzbier and Pretzel Award
Clannad
A drama of many complaints that lived under the delusion that we gave two shits about the fates of Fuko and Nagisa, but it still had enough funny moments and interesting characters to elevate it to the spot of ?Best drama.? A very hollow praise since drama tends to suck, but it?s still an item worth checking out in the context that it actually works well as a black comedy. The music is kind of bad, but then again, this is anime. There is no really good music, it?s all going to hurt.
#5 Worst: Pabst Blue Ribbon and McDonalds Dishonor
Bartender
Marking perhaps the singularly most painful transition from graphic novel to animation, Bartender is an anime that gets everything wrong. The main character is wrong, the setting is wrong, the characters are wrong, and dear fucking Jah is the bartending trivia wrong. In fact in some cases the trivia they present could not be farther away from the truth. German?s don?t simply serve beers warm because it?s cold there, there is no proven origin story of the Margarita cocktail aside from speculation, though there is evidence that it was made in prohibition era America, and the Bloody Mary is hair of the dog, NOT tomato juice and Everclear. And for the record, Drambuie is not an English liquor, the ?Angel Tip? is actually called an ?Angel?s Tit,? and there is coffee powder in the Nikolaschka.
If it?s so bad, why is it only in the number five spot? Well because despite all my bitching the art and soundtrack aren?t that terrible and the manga is decent, so I?ll let it off with a quick stab to a non-vital organ to teach it a lesson. Moving on!
#4 Best: Watching a Republican Fail Award
xxxHOLiC
Once again, not a perfect item, xxxHOLiC functioned much better as a manga than as an anime, but it?s still good enough to earn the #4 spot because frankly, this was a bad year for me and anime and I didn?t discover that many good things. It still maintains some dark elements and it?s second season is actually pretty fucking good, plus I don?t think I could ever get sick of the cruel and cunning Yuko. Sure it falls flat in the ending when Clamp makes a very American fuck-up and tries to toss in things like time travel and intertwining fictional universes, but it?s still enjoyable.
#4 Worst: Watching the New Three Stooges Trailer Dishonor
VanDread
Stupid. Stupid stupid STUPID. VanDread just could not have been any more stupid. An anime based on a light novel series that, from what I?ve heard, actually was radically different from the anime, the anime itself can?t decide if it wants to be a harem or a sci-fi or a drama and fails in execution of every single area, with the notable exception that the soundtrack wasn?t THAT horrendous. At least it wasn?t as bad as listening to that fucking ?HTT? band from K-On again?
But, let us not keep bashing K-On. What could have made VanDread better?
Killing every single person breathing since none of them showed any human intelligence and there were several major dilemmas that should have been easily diverted. ?Hm? I know they?re critical to the function of the ship, but why don?t we lock these crew members up because of an awkward misunderstanding that should have been sorted out almost immediately? Why not rip Pai?s spine out since she contributes absolutely nothing? Why doesn?t our leader do anything??
Hm, plot holes big enough for an elephant to fall into. That?s always nice, isn?t it? Oh, and by the way, look up Newton?s Laws of Motion you fucking hacks. Ships do not suddenly decelerate in deep space simply because their engines cut out, objects in motion stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force like gravity. Not much of that in deep space.
#3 Best: Defenestrating Tidus Award
Steins;Gate
What?s this? A mystery revolving around a fleshed out fictional science, a conspiracy relating to scientific discovery where good wishes become corrupted once realized? A constant air of suspense as you know one of the characters isn?t who they say they are?
Yes Jah, there is a good anime this year! Steins;Gate is an amusing mystery anime based on, get this, a visual novel that was during the first several months of it?s shelf life exclusive to the 360. It wasn?t exported mind, but that?s still fun to note. While my Steins;Gate review remains unfinished, having had an opportunity to indulge in more of it since posting that review, I can honestly say I highly recommend this anime to any sci-fi mystery fan. And not just because I think Kurisu is hot.
?though that certainly doesn?t hurt.
#3 Worst: Watching Batman and Robin Dishonor
Strawberry Panic!
Anime doesn?t often touch into the realm of politics, and when they do it?s usually localized politics based on the setting. Take this for instance.
The dilemma? One dorm out of a group of three in a massive Catholic school wants a specific student to run for an elected office to raise the status of their dorm, the seat having been held by a rival dorm for several years now. But that student doesn?t want to run because the seat being offered would basically have her and one other person act like glorified secretaries, and who in their right mind would want that?
So their solution for getting her to run? Why, I know! Why don?t you send two goons to rape her only friend turned lover?
Strawberry Panic failed in every single aspect I can think of with the possible exception that the art wasn?t quite as bad as some other animes I?ve seen this year. But still, the story is fucking idiotic with some decisions so stupid it?s Stephanie Meyers worthy. I doubt any of you have seen it, why don?t you keep it that way?
#2 Best: Getting Smashed with Bruce Campbell Award
Seitokai Yakuindomo (Or Yakuin Domo, whatever it is)
Admittedly this was one just for me. Slice of life has always been one of my favorite genres, like I mentioned earlier, and this one has a nice balance of language based humor and perversity making me recall the long lost glory of George Carlin, greatest stand-up comedian that ever lived. Though it wasn?t flawless, it remains one of, if not the, most hilarious anime I?ve ever seen even if some of it is lost in translation. Plus, it lead to a bit of fun trivia when I found out some of K-On?s voice actors appeared in this one. Yoko Hikasa (Mio) voicing the student council president Shino didn?t surprise me, the voice of Ritsu voicing Aria did. Go figure, a seiyu with vocal range. And here I was ready to dismiss anime as having no voice acting standard at all, but my opinion was changed by a person from the anime who gave me that impression in the first place.
?pity I can?t remember her name and am too lazy to look it up at this stage.
#2 Worst: Taser to the Scrotum Dishonor
Zero no Tsukaima
Oh, now here we go! An anime starring a character we would fully expect to taze someone?s balls. It?s like VanDread in that it?s completely lacking in intelligence and plot, and then adds a special rub that the main character Louise the Zero is completely fucking unlikable to the point that I seriously would call her anime?s answer to Bella Swan. Maybe that could have been forgiven if I didn?t also take it personally that they go out of there way to look up the ancient names of European nations but then don?t bother with anything remotely resembling how the ancient tribes worked. I?m no historian, but I?m fairly certain the ancient Germans didn?t consist of fake-tanned dyed hair fake-titted pyromantic nymphomaniacs. And that?s not the worst part, actually ripping off elements from Final Fantasy? That?s like stealing from a fucking porta-potty! Zero no Tsukaima simply did everything in it?s power to piss me off.
And it succeeded. Rest in peace you miserable pile of shit!
?oh wait, they?re about to release their fourth season. Do you now see why I?m a misanthrope?
Anime of the Year: Black Jack Award
Puella Magi Madoka Magica (Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica)
Again, not a flawless item. It makes several stupid mistakes like random extreme close ups, never cashing in on horror potential, and making the main characters a palette swapped Yutaka, a young Catherine, Tomoyo from Clannad with black hair, and Shana with her hair tied back. But still, the pitch black nature of the in-universe witches, the dilemma that involves a moral objection rather than something trivial like good vs. evil and the horribly cruel prank it plays by advertising itself as a cute anime even while heads are rolling and teenage girls are murdering one another? I call that cause for celebration and call Puella Magi Madoka Magica my anime of the year and perhaps a new favorite of mine. It doesn?t come close to classic game territory but it?s heads, shoulders, and vaginas over any other serious anime I watched this year. And besides, I genuinely liked the tragic heroine Homura whose understandable passion may have only been making things worse and the psychotic heroine Kyoko who came to the logical conclusion that humans are pieces of shit that aren?t worth saving.
It is also funny at times. Intentionally, it?s not just me laughing at a heroes futility.
Failure of the Year: Captain Planet and the Planeteres Dishonor
Tokyo Mew Mew
Maybe I?m cheating with this one since I actually saw a few episodes of Mew Mew Power when it aired on American TV Jah knows how far back, but I?m leveling this one here anyway because Tokyo Mew Mew is just shit.
Hey, you want to talk about disturbing trends in games and anime? The main character? The one who dresses like a tart? SHE?S FUCKING 12! And Strawberry Panic did the same thing with a nude shot with someone from the same age. Oh, but don?t worry. I?m not the type to dismiss something just because of disturbing fan service. It?s getting this honor for a bullshit environmental message it never researched, terrible animation, horrible design, horrible writing, and a soundtrack that is just pure fucking torture. There is absolutely no one I would recommend this to. I wouldn?t even recommend it to people I hate, no one deserves this.
I chose Captain Planet as the name for this dishonor because that?s really what it?s like. Some fucking idiot trying to educate us about a subject they don?t really know much about, like when bullying is taken to far or child labor or spotting a boss who might be a pedophile or pointing out that even when it?s restraining itself, Square Enix can?t design characters to save their fucking life.
Or did Tokyo Mew Mew come out before Star Ocean: Til the End of Time?
Either way, this is a disgrace even by the very low standards of anime. It?s insulting and it can?t go two episodes without adding another plot hole. It?s basically the Final Fantasy X of animes, right down to my relationship with the characters. I hate all of them with one exception, though I tolerated Auron because the quest for revenge and repentance at least had some potential. Lettuce? I simply pity her. What type of sick sadistic ***** names her daughter Lettuce?
I?m sorry, I got more worked up than I planned for that one. Lets move onto special awards.
Heisenberg Award for Best Male Lead:
Yes, I?m recycling the name of the special awards. If you don?t know about the Breaking Bad Heisenberg, look at my video game awards, I briefly describe him. And the award goes to:
Tomoya Okazaki of Clannad
A man whose dreams were already crushed, who relieved the ever present stress of life by endangering the life of someone who thought of him as a friend, and to top it all off, Key made an alternate version of Clannad where he goes with someone OTHER than Nagisa at the end, so I no longer have to berate his bad taste in women. Tomoya, for as mopey as he could get, still was an interesting character with actual growth. Jah bless the assholes who only go into things because they?re bored!
The Tidus Dishonor for Worst Male Lead
Like all good things, there are a thousand bad things. Anime has no shortage of stupid male leads, with anime having this peculiar habit of making male protagonists as stupid as humanly possible for some incomprehensible reason. It took a lot of consideration, but in the end the dishonor goes to:
Cerberus of Cardcaptor Sakura
While I actually kind of liked Cardcaptor Sakura, this isn?t something I can simply ignore. Cerberus is supposed to be a homunculus designed by a powerful magician named Clow Reed to choose his successor as the guardian of the Clow Cards, a series of powerful homunculi that could cause massive cataclysms in the wrong hands. So what does this fucking plush toy do? IT CHOOSES A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL! I know you were napping for a while Cerberus, but for fucks sake, if you didn?t act so hastily you might have noticed Sakura?s older brother was more capable than his little sister and also had powers that had grown more powerful with age. I?m just saying a ten year old and her lesbian stalker aren?t the most logical saviors.
But that?s not the most interesting detail. Though it does lead to Sakura looking intelligent for her age in some parts, Cerberus frequently neglects to warn Sakura of the dangers of some cards. Maybe warning her in advanced to look out for a sword shaped item that causes its wearer to have violent blackouts with Sakura?s successor, you fucking plushie? Or maybe you warn Sakura about what cards fall under what jurisdiction BEFORE the final test?
And maybe stop whining about pudding long enough to help her when her friend is trying to decapitate her?!
Cerberus! With an assistant like that, who needs enemies? Certainly not the dumb little girl that keeps calling it ?Kero-Chan.?
Konata Izumi Award for Best Female Lead
Surprisingly, despite anime?s nasty habit of cheesecake, this was a great year for me and female leads. And on top of Portal 2, maybe things like games and mangas are moving away from the ?Woman in the Fridge? problem that has been endemic to American comics for a long time.
Not likely, but hey. I can dream, right? And the award goes to:
Akemi Homura of Puella Magi Madoka Magica
This award was originally going to go to Yuko the Dimensional Witch, but I later on looked up how Tsubasa Chronicles ends and found that I couldn?t stomach the terrible conclusion to Yuko?s story. Hagimura Suzu of Seitokai Yakuindomo was also a hot contender; but really, Napoleonic Complexes aren?t THAT rare. Sure she was entertaining, but Homura?
I won?t explain why since it would fall into spoilers, but Homura is a character who acts emotionally dead, and we later see why. Despite the angst levels being high, I really can appreciate her agenda and her sacrifices. And while I honestly liked Kyoko Sakura and Suzu more, I can?t help but applaud Homura and call her the best anime female of 2011.
Tomo Takino Dishonor for Worst Female Lead:
Anime does have decent variety, and it leads to plenty of characters for me to hate. In addition to the many hyperactive dipshit female leads, you also have emotionally retarded female leads, and perhaps worst of all? well? the dishonor goes to:
Louise the Zero of Zero no Tsukaima
Anime?s very own Bella Swan, a spoiled brat who acts tortured when she has no real handicap since her power to spark explosions could be very useful if she harnessed it properly. She enslaves Saito, her human familiar, and frequently abuses him. And you know what? FUCK HER! This may be my personal pet peeve, but I fucking hate the elitist ***** stereotype. I don?t buy for a second Saito falls in love with this sadistic *****, and frankly I would call it a step up if Saito killed her and spent the rest of the anime dodging authorities with either the maid or Kirche. Sure both of them are hollow characters, but they at least make more sense than Louise the Fucking Zero.
Glasgow Smile Heath Ledger Award for Best Villain:
Actually, anime rarely has good villains. One major theme is that it?s usually a hyper intelligent villain losing to a mentally retarded protagonist, and frankly it pisses me off. That said, there was one this year that stood out. And the award goes to:
Kyubey of Puella Magi Madoka Magica
The thing about this one that made me give it the award was that it isn?t clear whether or not Kyubey should be counted as a villain. Kyubey is an Incubator, a creature that creates Puella Magi and
, and one detail about it is that the role it makes it necessary to recruit the emotionally unbalanced and immature, and while this does indeed frequently lead to tragedy, the purpose it serves makes you wonder if human morals or Incubator logic is the threat to the greater good and whether or not the ends justify the means.
You know, LIKE A WELL WRITTEN VILLAIN! Plus, it has the voice of Kagami Hiiragi. That?s gotta be a plus, right?
Bella Swan Award for Most Evil Character:
Actually you already know who is getting this one. The award goes to:
Louise the Zero of Zero no Tsukaima
Because slavery and mind breaking is wrong. It?s like a role reversal where the human is being manipulated by the evil freakish hell beast. Still doesn?t make it any less painful.
Wet Towel Award for Best Weapon:
The Hitchhiker?s Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels.
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value ? you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindbogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you ? daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
--Wikiquote and The Hitchhiker?s Guide to the Galaxy
And the award goes to:
Akemi Homura?s Shield, Puella Magi Madoka Magica
You?re never actually given a name for this weapon, and while this can count as a minor spoiler, Homura?s super speed and powers derive from the shields ability to manipulate time. As Prince of Persia fans can testify, the power of time manipulation is invaluable, and you also add the ability that Homura?s shield seems to act like ?Hammer Space,? being able to allow her to conceal and use a nearly bottomless supply of weapons including guns, explosives, and even mortars. Who knows what else she hides in there? Just reason to remember that Tomoyo Beckett look-a-likes are not to be fucked with.
Now, I?ll be skipping voice acting awards this year.
Why?
I?m trying to repress the memories of K-On. But I will still offer awards:
Like a Rolling Stone award for Best Individual Track:
I might have let it drop a few (dozen) times that anime music tends to annoy me. Pop has never been a worthy genre of music to me, and most anime relies on the genre for some incomprehensible reason. But that said, that doesn?t mean I can?t find the good stuff. And the award goes to:
Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni by Eiko Shimamiya
The titular song to Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni, this one is more up my alley and may not be a pick everyone will agree with. That said, haunting vocals and a dark tone? Sorry, but I like that type of shit. Admittedly it is nowhere near the rock classic I brought up in the name of the award, but for anime, it might as well be the second advent of Bob Dylan. I suppose I could mention Yoko Hikasa?s song ?Don?t Say Lazy? for the ending of K-On which was much less painful than any of Yui?s singing, but my opinion of it soured when I looked up the translated lyrics, which is the same thing that happened with ?A Song of Storm and Fire? from Tsubasa Chronicles. And while I?ll admit to liking Kagerou from xxxHOLiC, I dropped it after I saw the music video.
?YES I CAN BE PETTY! But hey, that makes it two anime songs I liked.
That?s two more than last--
?wait, last year I had Gravity, Stray, Through the Night, Sinful Rose, Inner Universe, and technically THAT was when I first heard Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni, I only looked up the full version this year. Never mind, this was a bad year for music. Made worse by:
Never say Never Dishonor for Worst Individual Track
Oh, I will not forget this ear rape. I will not forgive it either. Terrible instrumentals, and that painful voice?
The dishonor goes to:
Go! Go! Maniac of K-On!!
Fun fact. I actually have a wider hearing range than the average human being, and can hear speaker feedback before most people would perceive it. Like oh say for example when this fucking song starts up with that shrill ***** Yui screaming at the top of her lungs in some imitation of music, perhaps the most reliable way of giving me a goddamn migraine. Any potential season two of K-On might have had was lost beneath an enormous drop in the already low music quality and the fact that Yui was still breathing. It almost makes me look favorably on Justin Bieber. Maybe I should change the name of the dishonor, he never did anything THIS awful.
?eh. Fuck it. It?s not like he?s done anything to warrant praise. There was almost a bottomless supply of runners up, so I doubt exposing this one piece of shit is going to change anime?s terrible standard. All I can do is keep an ear out for the good stuff, and keep plenty of Ibuprofen on hand.
Lastly, to end things on a positive note, we have a special award. Manga remains intertwined with anime, and admittedly the Japanese graphic novels are head shoulders and balls over most American media when most American media consists of motherfucking superhero comics which I loathe.
The American Splendor Award for Best Graphic Novel
Ever hear of Harvey Pekar? Believe it or not, America actually does have a claim to fame, WE invented the slice of life genre, or rather the late legend Harvey Pekar did with the graphic novel American Splendor. Though this may seem like trivializing him, I still would like to honor the lost legend by using his standard as the award for best manga I?ve read this year.
And the award goes to:
Cardcaptor Sakura
HA! Okay, admittedly it?s probably not one the late Pekar would like, but I can?t help but feel this item is one worth praising. A kids item? With intelligence? No fucking way! And yet, setting clear in-universe rules and adhering to them, showing Sakura has some intelligence for her age, not being afraid of depicting alternate sexualities and actually creating a love triangle around them, I for one think Cardcaptor Sakura should be treated like a classic for those reasons.
Not the anime mind, but still. I enjoyed it when I probably shouldn?t have, and if a kiddy item can impress a cynical asshole it must have done something right.
And so the awards come to an end, and so does 2011. We?re currently in the fourth day of 2012 (Yes I procrastinated that much) and so far, it?s stacking up to be a painful year in many media outlets. But still, it?s another 365 days to play games and watch movies and anime, trying to find the great gems of the mediums. I hope your year doesn?t totally suck, dear reader. See you next week!
Hey, you sass that hoopy Pyramid Head? There is a frood who really knows where his towel is!
--Pyramid Head
Next Review Nichijou
Why?
Well anime has never delivered anything as terrifying and well written as Silent Hill 2 or as hilarious as Portal. The medium hasn?t matured well over the years, but that doesn?t stop me from watching it.
Why?
The slice of life genre Nothing detoxifies me after shitty action games like Lucky Star which, for as bizarre as it can get, still has some grounding in reality which allows it to keep some charm. Plus, Aya Hirano is a pretty good voice actor. So, continuously seeking new Lucky Stars, I comb anime, hoping to find what?s good.
Now bare in mind, this list is based on animes I have seen this year, not strictly animes that came out this year. There will be old shit and new stuff, so before anyone complains, yes I know some of the items came out up to six years ago. Right, lets go.
#5 Best: Schwarzbier and Pretzel Award
Clannad
A drama of many complaints that lived under the delusion that we gave two shits about the fates of Fuko and Nagisa, but it still had enough funny moments and interesting characters to elevate it to the spot of ?Best drama.? A very hollow praise since drama tends to suck, but it?s still an item worth checking out in the context that it actually works well as a black comedy. The music is kind of bad, but then again, this is anime. There is no really good music, it?s all going to hurt.
#5 Worst: Pabst Blue Ribbon and McDonalds Dishonor
Bartender
Marking perhaps the singularly most painful transition from graphic novel to animation, Bartender is an anime that gets everything wrong. The main character is wrong, the setting is wrong, the characters are wrong, and dear fucking Jah is the bartending trivia wrong. In fact in some cases the trivia they present could not be farther away from the truth. German?s don?t simply serve beers warm because it?s cold there, there is no proven origin story of the Margarita cocktail aside from speculation, though there is evidence that it was made in prohibition era America, and the Bloody Mary is hair of the dog, NOT tomato juice and Everclear. And for the record, Drambuie is not an English liquor, the ?Angel Tip? is actually called an ?Angel?s Tit,? and there is coffee powder in the Nikolaschka.
If it?s so bad, why is it only in the number five spot? Well because despite all my bitching the art and soundtrack aren?t that terrible and the manga is decent, so I?ll let it off with a quick stab to a non-vital organ to teach it a lesson. Moving on!
#4 Best: Watching a Republican Fail Award
xxxHOLiC
Once again, not a perfect item, xxxHOLiC functioned much better as a manga than as an anime, but it?s still good enough to earn the #4 spot because frankly, this was a bad year for me and anime and I didn?t discover that many good things. It still maintains some dark elements and it?s second season is actually pretty fucking good, plus I don?t think I could ever get sick of the cruel and cunning Yuko. Sure it falls flat in the ending when Clamp makes a very American fuck-up and tries to toss in things like time travel and intertwining fictional universes, but it?s still enjoyable.
#4 Worst: Watching the New Three Stooges Trailer Dishonor
VanDread
Stupid. Stupid stupid STUPID. VanDread just could not have been any more stupid. An anime based on a light novel series that, from what I?ve heard, actually was radically different from the anime, the anime itself can?t decide if it wants to be a harem or a sci-fi or a drama and fails in execution of every single area, with the notable exception that the soundtrack wasn?t THAT horrendous. At least it wasn?t as bad as listening to that fucking ?HTT? band from K-On again?
But, let us not keep bashing K-On. What could have made VanDread better?
Killing every single person breathing since none of them showed any human intelligence and there were several major dilemmas that should have been easily diverted. ?Hm? I know they?re critical to the function of the ship, but why don?t we lock these crew members up because of an awkward misunderstanding that should have been sorted out almost immediately? Why not rip Pai?s spine out since she contributes absolutely nothing? Why doesn?t our leader do anything??
Hm, plot holes big enough for an elephant to fall into. That?s always nice, isn?t it? Oh, and by the way, look up Newton?s Laws of Motion you fucking hacks. Ships do not suddenly decelerate in deep space simply because their engines cut out, objects in motion stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force like gravity. Not much of that in deep space.
#3 Best: Defenestrating Tidus Award
Steins;Gate
What?s this? A mystery revolving around a fleshed out fictional science, a conspiracy relating to scientific discovery where good wishes become corrupted once realized? A constant air of suspense as you know one of the characters isn?t who they say they are?
Yes Jah, there is a good anime this year! Steins;Gate is an amusing mystery anime based on, get this, a visual novel that was during the first several months of it?s shelf life exclusive to the 360. It wasn?t exported mind, but that?s still fun to note. While my Steins;Gate review remains unfinished, having had an opportunity to indulge in more of it since posting that review, I can honestly say I highly recommend this anime to any sci-fi mystery fan. And not just because I think Kurisu is hot.
?though that certainly doesn?t hurt.
#3 Worst: Watching Batman and Robin Dishonor
Strawberry Panic!
Anime doesn?t often touch into the realm of politics, and when they do it?s usually localized politics based on the setting. Take this for instance.
The dilemma? One dorm out of a group of three in a massive Catholic school wants a specific student to run for an elected office to raise the status of their dorm, the seat having been held by a rival dorm for several years now. But that student doesn?t want to run because the seat being offered would basically have her and one other person act like glorified secretaries, and who in their right mind would want that?
So their solution for getting her to run? Why, I know! Why don?t you send two goons to rape her only friend turned lover?
Strawberry Panic failed in every single aspect I can think of with the possible exception that the art wasn?t quite as bad as some other animes I?ve seen this year. But still, the story is fucking idiotic with some decisions so stupid it?s Stephanie Meyers worthy. I doubt any of you have seen it, why don?t you keep it that way?
#2 Best: Getting Smashed with Bruce Campbell Award
Seitokai Yakuindomo (Or Yakuin Domo, whatever it is)
Admittedly this was one just for me. Slice of life has always been one of my favorite genres, like I mentioned earlier, and this one has a nice balance of language based humor and perversity making me recall the long lost glory of George Carlin, greatest stand-up comedian that ever lived. Though it wasn?t flawless, it remains one of, if not the, most hilarious anime I?ve ever seen even if some of it is lost in translation. Plus, it lead to a bit of fun trivia when I found out some of K-On?s voice actors appeared in this one. Yoko Hikasa (Mio) voicing the student council president Shino didn?t surprise me, the voice of Ritsu voicing Aria did. Go figure, a seiyu with vocal range. And here I was ready to dismiss anime as having no voice acting standard at all, but my opinion was changed by a person from the anime who gave me that impression in the first place.
?pity I can?t remember her name and am too lazy to look it up at this stage.
#2 Worst: Taser to the Scrotum Dishonor
Zero no Tsukaima
Oh, now here we go! An anime starring a character we would fully expect to taze someone?s balls. It?s like VanDread in that it?s completely lacking in intelligence and plot, and then adds a special rub that the main character Louise the Zero is completely fucking unlikable to the point that I seriously would call her anime?s answer to Bella Swan. Maybe that could have been forgiven if I didn?t also take it personally that they go out of there way to look up the ancient names of European nations but then don?t bother with anything remotely resembling how the ancient tribes worked. I?m no historian, but I?m fairly certain the ancient Germans didn?t consist of fake-tanned dyed hair fake-titted pyromantic nymphomaniacs. And that?s not the worst part, actually ripping off elements from Final Fantasy? That?s like stealing from a fucking porta-potty! Zero no Tsukaima simply did everything in it?s power to piss me off.
And it succeeded. Rest in peace you miserable pile of shit!
?oh wait, they?re about to release their fourth season. Do you now see why I?m a misanthrope?
Anime of the Year: Black Jack Award
Puella Magi Madoka Magica (Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica)
Again, not a flawless item. It makes several stupid mistakes like random extreme close ups, never cashing in on horror potential, and making the main characters a palette swapped Yutaka, a young Catherine, Tomoyo from Clannad with black hair, and Shana with her hair tied back. But still, the pitch black nature of the in-universe witches, the dilemma that involves a moral objection rather than something trivial like good vs. evil and the horribly cruel prank it plays by advertising itself as a cute anime even while heads are rolling and teenage girls are murdering one another? I call that cause for celebration and call Puella Magi Madoka Magica my anime of the year and perhaps a new favorite of mine. It doesn?t come close to classic game territory but it?s heads, shoulders, and vaginas over any other serious anime I watched this year. And besides, I genuinely liked the tragic heroine Homura whose understandable passion may have only been making things worse and the psychotic heroine Kyoko who came to the logical conclusion that humans are pieces of shit that aren?t worth saving.
It is also funny at times. Intentionally, it?s not just me laughing at a heroes futility.
Failure of the Year: Captain Planet and the Planeteres Dishonor
Tokyo Mew Mew
Maybe I?m cheating with this one since I actually saw a few episodes of Mew Mew Power when it aired on American TV Jah knows how far back, but I?m leveling this one here anyway because Tokyo Mew Mew is just shit.
Hey, you want to talk about disturbing trends in games and anime? The main character? The one who dresses like a tart? SHE?S FUCKING 12! And Strawberry Panic did the same thing with a nude shot with someone from the same age. Oh, but don?t worry. I?m not the type to dismiss something just because of disturbing fan service. It?s getting this honor for a bullshit environmental message it never researched, terrible animation, horrible design, horrible writing, and a soundtrack that is just pure fucking torture. There is absolutely no one I would recommend this to. I wouldn?t even recommend it to people I hate, no one deserves this.
I chose Captain Planet as the name for this dishonor because that?s really what it?s like. Some fucking idiot trying to educate us about a subject they don?t really know much about, like when bullying is taken to far or child labor or spotting a boss who might be a pedophile or pointing out that even when it?s restraining itself, Square Enix can?t design characters to save their fucking life.
Or did Tokyo Mew Mew come out before Star Ocean: Til the End of Time?
Either way, this is a disgrace even by the very low standards of anime. It?s insulting and it can?t go two episodes without adding another plot hole. It?s basically the Final Fantasy X of animes, right down to my relationship with the characters. I hate all of them with one exception, though I tolerated Auron because the quest for revenge and repentance at least had some potential. Lettuce? I simply pity her. What type of sick sadistic ***** names her daughter Lettuce?
I?m sorry, I got more worked up than I planned for that one. Lets move onto special awards.
Heisenberg Award for Best Male Lead:
Yes, I?m recycling the name of the special awards. If you don?t know about the Breaking Bad Heisenberg, look at my video game awards, I briefly describe him. And the award goes to:
Tomoya Okazaki of Clannad
A man whose dreams were already crushed, who relieved the ever present stress of life by endangering the life of someone who thought of him as a friend, and to top it all off, Key made an alternate version of Clannad where he goes with someone OTHER than Nagisa at the end, so I no longer have to berate his bad taste in women. Tomoya, for as mopey as he could get, still was an interesting character with actual growth. Jah bless the assholes who only go into things because they?re bored!
The Tidus Dishonor for Worst Male Lead
Like all good things, there are a thousand bad things. Anime has no shortage of stupid male leads, with anime having this peculiar habit of making male protagonists as stupid as humanly possible for some incomprehensible reason. It took a lot of consideration, but in the end the dishonor goes to:
Cerberus of Cardcaptor Sakura
While I actually kind of liked Cardcaptor Sakura, this isn?t something I can simply ignore. Cerberus is supposed to be a homunculus designed by a powerful magician named Clow Reed to choose his successor as the guardian of the Clow Cards, a series of powerful homunculi that could cause massive cataclysms in the wrong hands. So what does this fucking plush toy do? IT CHOOSES A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL! I know you were napping for a while Cerberus, but for fucks sake, if you didn?t act so hastily you might have noticed Sakura?s older brother was more capable than his little sister and also had powers that had grown more powerful with age. I?m just saying a ten year old and her lesbian stalker aren?t the most logical saviors.
But that?s not the most interesting detail. Though it does lead to Sakura looking intelligent for her age in some parts, Cerberus frequently neglects to warn Sakura of the dangers of some cards. Maybe warning her in advanced to look out for a sword shaped item that causes its wearer to have violent blackouts with Sakura?s successor, you fucking plushie? Or maybe you warn Sakura about what cards fall under what jurisdiction BEFORE the final test?
And maybe stop whining about pudding long enough to help her when her friend is trying to decapitate her?!
Cerberus! With an assistant like that, who needs enemies? Certainly not the dumb little girl that keeps calling it ?Kero-Chan.?
Konata Izumi Award for Best Female Lead
Surprisingly, despite anime?s nasty habit of cheesecake, this was a great year for me and female leads. And on top of Portal 2, maybe things like games and mangas are moving away from the ?Woman in the Fridge? problem that has been endemic to American comics for a long time.
Not likely, but hey. I can dream, right? And the award goes to:
Akemi Homura of Puella Magi Madoka Magica
This award was originally going to go to Yuko the Dimensional Witch, but I later on looked up how Tsubasa Chronicles ends and found that I couldn?t stomach the terrible conclusion to Yuko?s story. Hagimura Suzu of Seitokai Yakuindomo was also a hot contender; but really, Napoleonic Complexes aren?t THAT rare. Sure she was entertaining, but Homura?
I won?t explain why since it would fall into spoilers, but Homura is a character who acts emotionally dead, and we later see why. Despite the angst levels being high, I really can appreciate her agenda and her sacrifices. And while I honestly liked Kyoko Sakura and Suzu more, I can?t help but applaud Homura and call her the best anime female of 2011.
Tomo Takino Dishonor for Worst Female Lead:
Anime does have decent variety, and it leads to plenty of characters for me to hate. In addition to the many hyperactive dipshit female leads, you also have emotionally retarded female leads, and perhaps worst of all? well? the dishonor goes to:
Louise the Zero of Zero no Tsukaima
Anime?s very own Bella Swan, a spoiled brat who acts tortured when she has no real handicap since her power to spark explosions could be very useful if she harnessed it properly. She enslaves Saito, her human familiar, and frequently abuses him. And you know what? FUCK HER! This may be my personal pet peeve, but I fucking hate the elitist ***** stereotype. I don?t buy for a second Saito falls in love with this sadistic *****, and frankly I would call it a step up if Saito killed her and spent the rest of the anime dodging authorities with either the maid or Kirche. Sure both of them are hollow characters, but they at least make more sense than Louise the Fucking Zero.
Glasgow Smile Heath Ledger Award for Best Villain:
Actually, anime rarely has good villains. One major theme is that it?s usually a hyper intelligent villain losing to a mentally retarded protagonist, and frankly it pisses me off. That said, there was one this year that stood out. And the award goes to:
Kyubey of Puella Magi Madoka Magica
The thing about this one that made me give it the award was that it isn?t clear whether or not Kyubey should be counted as a villain. Kyubey is an Incubator, a creature that creates Puella Magi and
Gathers the energy created by the clashing of Puella Magi and witches to expand the life of the universe, and who also holds knows the full nature of both entities
You know, LIKE A WELL WRITTEN VILLAIN! Plus, it has the voice of Kagami Hiiragi. That?s gotta be a plus, right?
Bella Swan Award for Most Evil Character:
Actually you already know who is getting this one. The award goes to:
Louise the Zero of Zero no Tsukaima
Because slavery and mind breaking is wrong. It?s like a role reversal where the human is being manipulated by the evil freakish hell beast. Still doesn?t make it any less painful.
Wet Towel Award for Best Weapon:
The Hitchhiker?s Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels.
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value ? you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindbogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you ? daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
--Wikiquote and The Hitchhiker?s Guide to the Galaxy
And the award goes to:
Akemi Homura?s Shield, Puella Magi Madoka Magica
You?re never actually given a name for this weapon, and while this can count as a minor spoiler, Homura?s super speed and powers derive from the shields ability to manipulate time. As Prince of Persia fans can testify, the power of time manipulation is invaluable, and you also add the ability that Homura?s shield seems to act like ?Hammer Space,? being able to allow her to conceal and use a nearly bottomless supply of weapons including guns, explosives, and even mortars. Who knows what else she hides in there? Just reason to remember that Tomoyo Beckett look-a-likes are not to be fucked with.
Now, I?ll be skipping voice acting awards this year.
Why?
I?m trying to repress the memories of K-On. But I will still offer awards:
Like a Rolling Stone award for Best Individual Track:
I might have let it drop a few (dozen) times that anime music tends to annoy me. Pop has never been a worthy genre of music to me, and most anime relies on the genre for some incomprehensible reason. But that said, that doesn?t mean I can?t find the good stuff. And the award goes to:
Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni by Eiko Shimamiya
The titular song to Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni, this one is more up my alley and may not be a pick everyone will agree with. That said, haunting vocals and a dark tone? Sorry, but I like that type of shit. Admittedly it is nowhere near the rock classic I brought up in the name of the award, but for anime, it might as well be the second advent of Bob Dylan. I suppose I could mention Yoko Hikasa?s song ?Don?t Say Lazy? for the ending of K-On which was much less painful than any of Yui?s singing, but my opinion of it soured when I looked up the translated lyrics, which is the same thing that happened with ?A Song of Storm and Fire? from Tsubasa Chronicles. And while I?ll admit to liking Kagerou from xxxHOLiC, I dropped it after I saw the music video.
?YES I CAN BE PETTY! But hey, that makes it two anime songs I liked.
That?s two more than last--
?wait, last year I had Gravity, Stray, Through the Night, Sinful Rose, Inner Universe, and technically THAT was when I first heard Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni, I only looked up the full version this year. Never mind, this was a bad year for music. Made worse by:
Never say Never Dishonor for Worst Individual Track
Oh, I will not forget this ear rape. I will not forgive it either. Terrible instrumentals, and that painful voice?
The dishonor goes to:
Go! Go! Maniac of K-On!!
Fun fact. I actually have a wider hearing range than the average human being, and can hear speaker feedback before most people would perceive it. Like oh say for example when this fucking song starts up with that shrill ***** Yui screaming at the top of her lungs in some imitation of music, perhaps the most reliable way of giving me a goddamn migraine. Any potential season two of K-On might have had was lost beneath an enormous drop in the already low music quality and the fact that Yui was still breathing. It almost makes me look favorably on Justin Bieber. Maybe I should change the name of the dishonor, he never did anything THIS awful.
?eh. Fuck it. It?s not like he?s done anything to warrant praise. There was almost a bottomless supply of runners up, so I doubt exposing this one piece of shit is going to change anime?s terrible standard. All I can do is keep an ear out for the good stuff, and keep plenty of Ibuprofen on hand.
Lastly, to end things on a positive note, we have a special award. Manga remains intertwined with anime, and admittedly the Japanese graphic novels are head shoulders and balls over most American media when most American media consists of motherfucking superhero comics which I loathe.
The American Splendor Award for Best Graphic Novel
Ever hear of Harvey Pekar? Believe it or not, America actually does have a claim to fame, WE invented the slice of life genre, or rather the late legend Harvey Pekar did with the graphic novel American Splendor. Though this may seem like trivializing him, I still would like to honor the lost legend by using his standard as the award for best manga I?ve read this year.
And the award goes to:
Cardcaptor Sakura
HA! Okay, admittedly it?s probably not one the late Pekar would like, but I can?t help but feel this item is one worth praising. A kids item? With intelligence? No fucking way! And yet, setting clear in-universe rules and adhering to them, showing Sakura has some intelligence for her age, not being afraid of depicting alternate sexualities and actually creating a love triangle around them, I for one think Cardcaptor Sakura should be treated like a classic for those reasons.
Not the anime mind, but still. I enjoyed it when I probably shouldn?t have, and if a kiddy item can impress a cynical asshole it must have done something right.
And so the awards come to an end, and so does 2011. We?re currently in the fourth day of 2012 (Yes I procrastinated that much) and so far, it?s stacking up to be a painful year in many media outlets. But still, it?s another 365 days to play games and watch movies and anime, trying to find the great gems of the mediums. I hope your year doesn?t totally suck, dear reader. See you next week!
Hey, you sass that hoopy Pyramid Head? There is a frood who really knows where his towel is!
--Pyramid Head
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