Regrets
- Thread starter Merkavar
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Definately the way I treated my relationship with my (now ex) fiance.
I've had several problems throughout the course of my life, and to be honest, there is no clear or obvious root cause for all my issues. My relationships with my friends had always been shaky while I was a child, so when I got into highschool, I was still charismatic, friendly, and popular, but no one really 'knew' me. I very rarely hung out outside of school. Once we moved, I remained popular, a good portion of the senior class knowing my name, but I never made any close friends. I wanted to join the army after graduation, because I didn't know what to do yet, but I was a straight A-Student, so my parents pushed me into pre-med.
Sadly, things got worse in college. I had no friends, and I didn't really do exceptionally well in my classes. Not well enough to beat the other 86% of applicants to med school who get rejected in my state. So I changed majors. By this point, I'd been contemplating suicide pretty heavily. I'd always had it in mind since highschool, working 20 hour work weeks while going to school full time with no emotional backing was taking it's toll. Then I met her.
I have no idea what it was about her. I was drawn to her immediately. We hit it off well. We started dating. I learned she was a furry, too. I learned she was predominantly dominant, I was predominantly submissive. We were happy together, for quite awhile. She later told me she had thought of suicide too. She told me I was the only man she had loved.
Fast forward to two years later. She spent most of her time working towards a vet tech degree so she could inherit her uncle's animal sanctuary. We both loved animals. She had grown quite attached to the animals there, and I never got to go with her to the sanctuary while she worked (I visited once or twice, but I was never there while she was working because she would sleep there for a few days on end; It was a 3 hour drive, and I needed to go to class everyday, and work every weekend). Anyways, she found out the money she had raised for the sanctuary making jewelery and such (Mostly leathercraft) was being taken by her uncle and used to finance renovations to his house. She was devastated, left the sanctuary, and was pretty shaken. She had lost direction for the future. She'd always planned to inherit the sanctuary, but now her future was in jeopardy. Soon after, she left.
Well, it was a few months after the initial news that she left. Our relationship became more and more turbulent afterwards. I was taking physics, Organic Chemistry, Ecology, and a foreign language that semester alone, while working a solid 30 hours a week, so I relied on her support. It was my mistake, but I only drew my happiness from her. I was entirely dependent upon her for my own joy. It was wrong of me, yes. The relationship grew more unhealthy as time went on. I never realized how badly it had affected her because I had so many of my own problems to deal with. Up until the day she left, she assured me she'd be gone a month tops. Then she would come back. She told me I didn't have to wait for her, but I said I'd wait as long as it would ever take.
So I waited. A week. A month. Two months. She finally emailed me after two months. I asked what she was doing, where she was. She didn't tell me. About a week later she replied, we sent a few emails back and forth. Eventually she said she never was going to come back. A few weeks after, while I asked why, what happened, she stopped replying. That was in April of 2010. April 4th was when I got the last email from her. She's never responded to me since. I tried looking for her, but once I figured out she wasn't coming back, I gave up. No one likes a stalker, and I figured she didn't want to be with me anyway.
While I was with her, I made a few friends. I finally grew more confident with her around. However, when she left, I stooped into a depression. I lashed out at the few friends I had, in my more erratic moods. Soon enough, I had my wish. No one wanted to stand by me anymore...
Ever since then, I've moved to a new school. I can't keep up with my work. I can't seem to get anything done. I've started working 20 hour weeks again, still didn't help. Failed some courses. Contemplating dropping out of college for a time, when I only had one year left. In the past year, I have not spoken to a single person as a friend. I don't talk to my parents. I have not made any personal friends.
If I had to pin myself down to one regret... It would be losing her. Had I known then what I know now, maybe our relationship could have been saved. It's entirely possible that that's not true. I was reliant and dependent on her, and that wasn't healthy. However... Even if those feelings were a lie, a lie I wanted to believe in out of desperation, they were the only time I was happy. I wish I hadn't let those happy days get away.
I'd be astonished if anyone actually read all of this... Sorry for being such a downer. Here's some ponies, so maybe you'll feel better.
I've had several problems throughout the course of my life, and to be honest, there is no clear or obvious root cause for all my issues. My relationships with my friends had always been shaky while I was a child, so when I got into highschool, I was still charismatic, friendly, and popular, but no one really 'knew' me. I very rarely hung out outside of school. Once we moved, I remained popular, a good portion of the senior class knowing my name, but I never made any close friends. I wanted to join the army after graduation, because I didn't know what to do yet, but I was a straight A-Student, so my parents pushed me into pre-med.
Sadly, things got worse in college. I had no friends, and I didn't really do exceptionally well in my classes. Not well enough to beat the other 86% of applicants to med school who get rejected in my state. So I changed majors. By this point, I'd been contemplating suicide pretty heavily. I'd always had it in mind since highschool, working 20 hour work weeks while going to school full time with no emotional backing was taking it's toll. Then I met her.
I have no idea what it was about her. I was drawn to her immediately. We hit it off well. We started dating. I learned she was a furry, too. I learned she was predominantly dominant, I was predominantly submissive. We were happy together, for quite awhile. She later told me she had thought of suicide too. She told me I was the only man she had loved.
Fast forward to two years later. She spent most of her time working towards a vet tech degree so she could inherit her uncle's animal sanctuary. We both loved animals. She had grown quite attached to the animals there, and I never got to go with her to the sanctuary while she worked (I visited once or twice, but I was never there while she was working because she would sleep there for a few days on end; It was a 3 hour drive, and I needed to go to class everyday, and work every weekend). Anyways, she found out the money she had raised for the sanctuary making jewelery and such (Mostly leathercraft) was being taken by her uncle and used to finance renovations to his house. She was devastated, left the sanctuary, and was pretty shaken. She had lost direction for the future. She'd always planned to inherit the sanctuary, but now her future was in jeopardy. Soon after, she left.
Well, it was a few months after the initial news that she left. Our relationship became more and more turbulent afterwards. I was taking physics, Organic Chemistry, Ecology, and a foreign language that semester alone, while working a solid 30 hours a week, so I relied on her support. It was my mistake, but I only drew my happiness from her. I was entirely dependent upon her for my own joy. It was wrong of me, yes. The relationship grew more unhealthy as time went on. I never realized how badly it had affected her because I had so many of my own problems to deal with. Up until the day she left, she assured me she'd be gone a month tops. Then she would come back. She told me I didn't have to wait for her, but I said I'd wait as long as it would ever take.
So I waited. A week. A month. Two months. She finally emailed me after two months. I asked what she was doing, where she was. She didn't tell me. About a week later she replied, we sent a few emails back and forth. Eventually she said she never was going to come back. A few weeks after, while I asked why, what happened, she stopped replying. That was in April of 2010. April 4th was when I got the last email from her. She's never responded to me since. I tried looking for her, but once I figured out she wasn't coming back, I gave up. No one likes a stalker, and I figured she didn't want to be with me anyway.
While I was with her, I made a few friends. I finally grew more confident with her around. However, when she left, I stooped into a depression. I lashed out at the few friends I had, in my more erratic moods. Soon enough, I had my wish. No one wanted to stand by me anymore...
Ever since then, I've moved to a new school. I can't keep up with my work. I can't seem to get anything done. I've started working 20 hour weeks again, still didn't help. Failed some courses. Contemplating dropping out of college for a time, when I only had one year left. In the past year, I have not spoken to a single person as a friend. I don't talk to my parents. I have not made any personal friends.
If I had to pin myself down to one regret... It would be losing her. Had I known then what I know now, maybe our relationship could have been saved. It's entirely possible that that's not true. I was reliant and dependent on her, and that wasn't healthy. However... Even if those feelings were a lie, a lie I wanted to believe in out of desperation, they were the only time I was happy. I wish I hadn't let those happy days get away.
I'd be astonished if anyone actually read all of this... Sorry for being such a downer. Here's some ponies, so maybe you'll feel better.
I can't really say I have many regrets, well I probably have a few, BUT:
I tend to think that if I fixed some of my "regrets" I would end up in a completely different point today, and since I have had a pretty nice time in every part of my life I wouldn't want to change it much.
Would be interesting to see what life would have been like if this or that changed though.
I tend to think that if I fixed some of my "regrets" I would end up in a completely different point today, and since I have had a pretty nice time in every part of my life I wouldn't want to change it much.
Would be interesting to see what life would have been like if this or that changed though.
There are some major ones, that I won't post on the internet.
But I always do wish I spent more time with my friends from my childhood. They are now either different people or have moved so far away they feel like different people. Hell, some of them are dead. I long for the days I spent with my close friends when I was a child and I would love to see them all again.
But hey, you have to be realistic don't you? And this stuff happens in life. It happens to everyone. I'd just like to see them one more time. Even just to say good bye.
But I always do wish I spent more time with my friends from my childhood. They are now either different people or have moved so far away they feel like different people. Hell, some of them are dead. I long for the days I spent with my close friends when I was a child and I would love to see them all again.
But hey, you have to be realistic don't you? And this stuff happens in life. It happens to everyone. I'd just like to see them one more time. Even just to say good bye.
You've certainly had it rough. Well all you can do is try not to worry too much about the past and try to enjoy life.Fawcks said:
The only regret I have (which isn't really from my childhood but whatever) is no getting into the back of the van of the guy who was clearly on drugs who offered me and friends a lift. It was the day after our Debs Ball 2 years ago(Kinda like a Prom for you Americans/whoever doesn't call it a Debs I suppose) and we were walking through the county side in raggedy suits. I don't particularly remember how we got to this position (We had also consumed a lot of drugs, but not the stuff the guy had taken), it involved lots of walking and a Taxi anyway. It would have been extremely stupid to have got in the van as we couldn't have seen where he was taking us and he looked really dodgy, but it would have been an adventure.
I think that regretting anything more important than that aren't worth regretting because they will only bring you down. If your happy right now then nothing you have done or haven't done was wrong.
I think that regretting anything more important than that aren't worth regretting because they will only bring you down. If your happy right now then nothing you have done or haven't done was wrong.
My biggest regret is a recent one, I went to a metal show in a small club and I didn't wear earplugs. My ears now have a permanent ring in them. Luckily it didn't cause noticeable damage to my hearing and I still have better ears than most because I'm used to listening to minute details when mixing audio. Still, if I could go back and change one thing it would certainly be that as I still freak out every once in awhile when I realize that his ringing will never stop; I'll never have a second of silence again in my entire life.
For me...well I'll just go into the last one. I was close to proposing (two years and six months) and she just chucked me. Said she wanted to be alone and that she simply didn't love me anymore. It wasn't the first time we split but considering I was thinking about spending my life with this person it feels like a massive blow.Lullabye said:
But something else I tend to do is with past relationships I just consider them wastes of time and one thing I hate to do is waste time, hence the regret.
Not paying attention during my spanish classes in middle and high school (Swedish middle/highschool is a bit earlier than american ones so I could still be counted as pretty young). 4 Years and I dont remember a thing - now Im extremly interesed in languages and aim to learn as many as possible. :/
Something very similar to this. Consider it a lesson learned; you can't be half a person because somebody 'completes' you. I'm starting to realize this, but it still hurts every now and then. Hang in there =]Fawcks said:
Edit: Oh, and taking History and Art instead of Physics and Chemistry during secondary school. Illusions about the usefulness of an Arts degree disappeared about a year before I graduated.
Nnnope, sorry. Uh-uh. I am unapologetic about it all. No way, forget it, not a chance. They don't deserve it.
Biggest regret? Failing to hide my superiority. Seriously folks, if you're the new kid in a small town, it doesn't do to demonstrate overwhelming intellectual ability.
Second biggest: Being an emo dipshit (before emo was cool) during highschool. Please note, no makeup, no bad hair - just the all-black wearing and the constant complaining. But hey, the girls weren't the greatest, so it just meant I had to contain myself until I went on holidays down south.
Second biggest: Being an emo dipshit (before emo was cool) during highschool. Please note, no makeup, no bad hair - just the all-black wearing and the constant complaining. But hey, the girls weren't the greatest, so it just meant I had to contain myself until I went on holidays down south.
