Before I begin, I just want to say that I'm posting this here because I really have no idea where else I can turn to. Maybe I just feel like venting it out here because it would be cheaper than a therapist or whatever, but anyway, here we go.
First, the backstory:
Back in early 2008, I had started going to college. While I was there, my roommates were big players of World of Warcraft. I had always wanted to try and play WoW (mainly because of that South Park episode), so I joined in on their server. It was great fun to play, even though I only had my dad's hand-me-down laptop that could barely play the thing at 25 fps on the lowest settings.
Eventually, I reached level 70, and wanted to join a raiding guild. Well, the leader of the guild I was on said he was going to one, and he was happy to take me along. The new guild was fun to be in, but that's not what really was important here. The important thing is that the guild was where I met...her.
She was a very assertive woman. She was the kind that could be really nice one moment, but if you went against her at all, she was going to argue with you, and she wasn't afraid to pull any punches. Nonetheless, she was one of the most active and helpful members of our guild. She was even the one that guided me through my first heroic as a tank.
Later, after coming back to the dorm after classes on day, I found out she had left the guild. Apparently, one of the other guild members said something unflattering about her son. Like a mama bear protecting her cub, she pretty much pounced on the guy and ragequitted the guild for not kicking him. So, she sent me a whisper saying that if I wanted to stay in contact, I would have to add her to my WoW friends list. I didn't mind, of course, and this started what became the most ridiculous, crazy, and confusing relationship I had ever been with.
Over the next couple of months up until the release of Wrath of the Lich King, we stayed in close contact. Most of our talk was about WoW, but some of the talks got into more personal stuff. During this time, I developed a crush on her. However, not only did she already have a child, she was still married (even though she often expressed how much she hated the guy and wanted to leave him). And I was just a college kid, so I didn't think it would be a good idea to tell her. So, I kept my mouth shut about that.
By the time WotLK came out, I had to quit the game. Not only because I couldn't afford the $15/month fee at the time, but also because that crappy laptop gave out on me. So, I couldn't speak to her for a time.
In the spring of '09, my grandmother gave me $1000, which she promised to give to me each year while I was in college. One of the first things I bought were computer parts so I could build myself a decent gaming PC. So, one of the first things I did with that was renew my subscription. As I was signing on, I wondered if she was still there, or even if she remembered me.
Thankfully, she was very happy to see me back. We filled each other in on what we had gone through the last few months. For her, she finally moved out to live with her new boyfriend (even though she was still technically married). Admittedly, I was a bit disappointed she had a new boyfriend, but I was still supportive of the two. By Christmas of that year, she made the news that she was pregnant.
Unfortunately, this is where things started to go downhill. She and him began to fight, and it did get ugly a few times.
Then, one night, while we were questing, she sent me a whisper saying that she was starting to fall for me. My brain told me to stop this before things got crazy, but my heart (and a certain other part of my body) wanted me to go on. You can probably guess which choice I made. So, for the next couple of months, we flirted a bit behind her boyfriend's back.
Looking back on it, it was a really stupid and awful thing to do. I was a 21-year-old virgin with pretty much no dating experience, so the dumbass that is me thought this would be my best, and probably only, chance at a relationship.
Eventually, the fighting between the two came to a head soon after the baby was born. She couldn't stand him anymore, and moved back in with her parents with her two sons.
During the next few months, we tried to make a long-distance relationship work. We spoke to each other over the phone, texted, and Skyped (and yes, some of those Skype sessions were definitely NSFW). In the end, however, we figured it simply wouldn't work. She was in between jobs and raising her kids, and I was still a poor college student on the other side of the country. So, we decided to break it off on friendly terms. It was bittersweet, but we still didn't speak for a while because of it. That, and Cataclysm was new, and...neither of us liked Cata, so we both left WoW for a while. We only chatted maybe a couple times a month after that. During that time, she found another boyfriend to move in with.
Then, more than a year later, I rejoined WoW, and we started questing again (on a different server though, because she wanted to give role-playing a try). We even role-played as well on occasion.
This went on until Summer of '13, after Mists of Pandaria came out. She announced she was pregnant once again. Now you may be thinking "what, she started fighting with him, right?" Actually, no, they really didn't fight much, and they even got married.
But, even thought I hadn't really been with her in over 2 years, I still had feelings for her. I still blamed myself for what happened to her former lover (even thought she insisted I wasn't to blame, as the relationship was pretty much doomed at that point), and I didn't want that to happen again. So, in November of that year, I sent her an email saying I was going to take a break from her. She sent me a text later that night saying "Okay. Cool. Goodbye."
So, I spent a couple of weeks not talking to her, and was no longer a WoW subscriber. Then on Thanksgiving, I sent her a text wishing her a happy thanksgiving, and we talked a bit.
But then, the shit hit the fan. Two weeks before Christmas, she sent me a text saying it would be best if we didn't speak...permanently. What followed was probably one of the worst nights of my life. I practically begged her not to do this, but she said I started it by taking that hiatus from her. I pretty much had to cry myself to sleep that night, then, well, safe to say I didn't have a very merry Christmas that year, as I was depressed for weeks.
So yes, I did what I did because I thought it would prevent our friendship from falling apart. Instead, it did the exact freaking opposite. All I thought at the time was "Shoot me. Shoot me now!"
It's worth noting that I haven't mentioned this to pretty much anyone else. Not to other friends or family. I didn't think they would be very understanding, or would think I was the one in the wrong (which I wouldn't have denied, honestly).
Eventually, I did get a bit better and was able to move on. But then, earlier this year, I saw she had posted a WoW video on Youtube (I forgot I was still subscribed to her. Oops.) And all those memories came flooding back.
I thought more about our last conversations. Did I really hurt her that badly? Did I act insensitively to her feelings, and she just wasn't saying it? Or did she not really like me that much by the time I sent the email? Or by the time she was pregnant? Did she not really like me at all in the first place?!
At that point, I felt I had to send her one final message. So, I sent her a Youtube PM saying I was apologizing for anything I had done wrong to her, and that I just wanted closure from everything. Finally, I asked if she hated me for what I did.
I did get a reply back, but while I was hoping it would be a message of closure, it instead raised further questions.
Remember that ex-boyfriend I said earlier? Well, he apparently found out which realm her character was now on, and was constantly harassing her in the game. She said she didn't appreciate me telling him where she was.
So yes, she was blaming me for her ex-boyfriend finding out where she was.
But that made no sense. I haven't spoken to the guy since 2010. I didn't know where he was, or how to contact him. Earlier, even she couldn't find him, because he owed her child support. And even if I knew where the guy was, why would I tell him that? Despite everything that happened, I have nothing but the utmost respect for her. She was there during some of the darkest moments of my life. If it wasn't for her, there's a very real possibility I wouldn't be here to post this.
So why would I go and ruin all that? For revenge? Revenge for what, no longer being friends with me because of something stupid that I did? Look, I'm not going to claim Man of the Year. I've done some stupid and bad things in my life. But this would never be one of them.
So...I sent her another PM, saying I never told him that, and I never would.
I haven't gotten a response from that PM, and it's been over a month. (She probably has me on "Ignore" or something.)
So, that's where we are now.
I don't know what to do at this point. Should I try to contact her again? Ignore it, and move on? Punch myself in the face for being so stupid?
And that's pretty much all I have to say. You can look at this and think and post that I'm a monster that deserved what I got. And if you want to think that, go ahead. I just wanted to get all of this off of my chest.
First, the backstory:
Back in early 2008, I had started going to college. While I was there, my roommates were big players of World of Warcraft. I had always wanted to try and play WoW (mainly because of that South Park episode), so I joined in on their server. It was great fun to play, even though I only had my dad's hand-me-down laptop that could barely play the thing at 25 fps on the lowest settings.
Eventually, I reached level 70, and wanted to join a raiding guild. Well, the leader of the guild I was on said he was going to one, and he was happy to take me along. The new guild was fun to be in, but that's not what really was important here. The important thing is that the guild was where I met...her.
She was a very assertive woman. She was the kind that could be really nice one moment, but if you went against her at all, she was going to argue with you, and she wasn't afraid to pull any punches. Nonetheless, she was one of the most active and helpful members of our guild. She was even the one that guided me through my first heroic as a tank.
Later, after coming back to the dorm after classes on day, I found out she had left the guild. Apparently, one of the other guild members said something unflattering about her son. Like a mama bear protecting her cub, she pretty much pounced on the guy and ragequitted the guild for not kicking him. So, she sent me a whisper saying that if I wanted to stay in contact, I would have to add her to my WoW friends list. I didn't mind, of course, and this started what became the most ridiculous, crazy, and confusing relationship I had ever been with.
Over the next couple of months up until the release of Wrath of the Lich King, we stayed in close contact. Most of our talk was about WoW, but some of the talks got into more personal stuff. During this time, I developed a crush on her. However, not only did she already have a child, she was still married (even though she often expressed how much she hated the guy and wanted to leave him). And I was just a college kid, so I didn't think it would be a good idea to tell her. So, I kept my mouth shut about that.
By the time WotLK came out, I had to quit the game. Not only because I couldn't afford the $15/month fee at the time, but also because that crappy laptop gave out on me. So, I couldn't speak to her for a time.
In the spring of '09, my grandmother gave me $1000, which she promised to give to me each year while I was in college. One of the first things I bought were computer parts so I could build myself a decent gaming PC. So, one of the first things I did with that was renew my subscription. As I was signing on, I wondered if she was still there, or even if she remembered me.
Thankfully, she was very happy to see me back. We filled each other in on what we had gone through the last few months. For her, she finally moved out to live with her new boyfriend (even though she was still technically married). Admittedly, I was a bit disappointed she had a new boyfriend, but I was still supportive of the two. By Christmas of that year, she made the news that she was pregnant.
Unfortunately, this is where things started to go downhill. She and him began to fight, and it did get ugly a few times.
Then, one night, while we were questing, she sent me a whisper saying that she was starting to fall for me. My brain told me to stop this before things got crazy, but my heart (and a certain other part of my body) wanted me to go on. You can probably guess which choice I made. So, for the next couple of months, we flirted a bit behind her boyfriend's back.
Looking back on it, it was a really stupid and awful thing to do. I was a 21-year-old virgin with pretty much no dating experience, so the dumbass that is me thought this would be my best, and probably only, chance at a relationship.
Eventually, the fighting between the two came to a head soon after the baby was born. She couldn't stand him anymore, and moved back in with her parents with her two sons.
During the next few months, we tried to make a long-distance relationship work. We spoke to each other over the phone, texted, and Skyped (and yes, some of those Skype sessions were definitely NSFW). In the end, however, we figured it simply wouldn't work. She was in between jobs and raising her kids, and I was still a poor college student on the other side of the country. So, we decided to break it off on friendly terms. It was bittersweet, but we still didn't speak for a while because of it. That, and Cataclysm was new, and...neither of us liked Cata, so we both left WoW for a while. We only chatted maybe a couple times a month after that. During that time, she found another boyfriend to move in with.
Then, more than a year later, I rejoined WoW, and we started questing again (on a different server though, because she wanted to give role-playing a try). We even role-played as well on occasion.
This went on until Summer of '13, after Mists of Pandaria came out. She announced she was pregnant once again. Now you may be thinking "what, she started fighting with him, right?" Actually, no, they really didn't fight much, and they even got married.
But, even thought I hadn't really been with her in over 2 years, I still had feelings for her. I still blamed myself for what happened to her former lover (even thought she insisted I wasn't to blame, as the relationship was pretty much doomed at that point), and I didn't want that to happen again. So, in November of that year, I sent her an email saying I was going to take a break from her. She sent me a text later that night saying "Okay. Cool. Goodbye."
So, I spent a couple of weeks not talking to her, and was no longer a WoW subscriber. Then on Thanksgiving, I sent her a text wishing her a happy thanksgiving, and we talked a bit.
But then, the shit hit the fan. Two weeks before Christmas, she sent me a text saying it would be best if we didn't speak...permanently. What followed was probably one of the worst nights of my life. I practically begged her not to do this, but she said I started it by taking that hiatus from her. I pretty much had to cry myself to sleep that night, then, well, safe to say I didn't have a very merry Christmas that year, as I was depressed for weeks.
So yes, I did what I did because I thought it would prevent our friendship from falling apart. Instead, it did the exact freaking opposite. All I thought at the time was "Shoot me. Shoot me now!"
It's worth noting that I haven't mentioned this to pretty much anyone else. Not to other friends or family. I didn't think they would be very understanding, or would think I was the one in the wrong (which I wouldn't have denied, honestly).
Eventually, I did get a bit better and was able to move on. But then, earlier this year, I saw she had posted a WoW video on Youtube (I forgot I was still subscribed to her. Oops.) And all those memories came flooding back.
I thought more about our last conversations. Did I really hurt her that badly? Did I act insensitively to her feelings, and she just wasn't saying it? Or did she not really like me that much by the time I sent the email? Or by the time she was pregnant? Did she not really like me at all in the first place?!
At that point, I felt I had to send her one final message. So, I sent her a Youtube PM saying I was apologizing for anything I had done wrong to her, and that I just wanted closure from everything. Finally, I asked if she hated me for what I did.
I did get a reply back, but while I was hoping it would be a message of closure, it instead raised further questions.
Remember that ex-boyfriend I said earlier? Well, he apparently found out which realm her character was now on, and was constantly harassing her in the game. She said she didn't appreciate me telling him where she was.
So yes, she was blaming me for her ex-boyfriend finding out where she was.
But that made no sense. I haven't spoken to the guy since 2010. I didn't know where he was, or how to contact him. Earlier, even she couldn't find him, because he owed her child support. And even if I knew where the guy was, why would I tell him that? Despite everything that happened, I have nothing but the utmost respect for her. She was there during some of the darkest moments of my life. If it wasn't for her, there's a very real possibility I wouldn't be here to post this.
So why would I go and ruin all that? For revenge? Revenge for what, no longer being friends with me because of something stupid that I did? Look, I'm not going to claim Man of the Year. I've done some stupid and bad things in my life. But this would never be one of them.
So...I sent her another PM, saying I never told him that, and I never would.
I haven't gotten a response from that PM, and it's been over a month. (She probably has me on "Ignore" or something.)
So, that's where we are now.
I don't know what to do at this point. Should I try to contact her again? Ignore it, and move on? Punch myself in the face for being so stupid?
And that's pretty much all I have to say. You can look at this and think and post that I'm a monster that deserved what I got. And if you want to think that, go ahead. I just wanted to get all of this off of my chest.
