Relationship Issues, Please Help.

[Jinxzy]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 5 years now. We live together and had our ups and down but lately it's not been the same. He recently lost his job and has been home every day. While I work and keep and steady income. So I'm the only one working while he stays home and plays video games. I come home then we deiced what we want for dinner, I get some gaming in and then its bed time for me. Maybe (well I think) I'm starting to get bitter towards him cause he gets to do nothing while I work. When I have a day off all I really want to do is spend the day with him. He just seems like he wants to be left alone and do his own thing. Which makes me sad cause just a few hours together playing games or watching a tv show is all I want.

There are days I want to be by myself and not have him around so I can just enjoy some piece and quite. But he's always home. Also his "gaming room" that he plays in has the computer, cable, all the systems, and a couch. While my "gaming room" was our left over spare room that has plants, my tv and my system. I get a little mad when I just want to play on the computer or watch tv shows that I like by myself but I can't cause his "gaming room" has everything. This was my apartment before I asked him if he wanted to move in with me, so I feel like I don't have my own room in the apartment anymore.

I talked about him moving out and if we were to break up and he didn't seem to care at all, even a little spiteful. Saying stuff like "If we break up I know it will hurt you more then me" "I can pack up and leave any time I want to" I love him and really care for him but part of me is saying "You can do better, he's just using you" while another part is saying "This is the best you'll ever find, so lets settle" I even thought about just sticking it out with him and settling but that means giving up on a lot of dreams of mine. Like trying to say up for my own house and starting a more adult life. I'm so confuse on what to do.

Do I let him go? Do I hang on? Do I try to talk to him again? Do I just start over from square one with him? Do I law down some rules?

 

[Batou667]

He sounds like he's stuck in a serious rut and taking it out on both himself and you. Does he realise how much his actions bother/hurt you? If he does, and this doesn't get him to change, then you probably do need to be tough, both for the sake of your sanity and to give him the wake-up call he seems to desperately need.

You're currently enabling his slacker lifestyle. Get him to feel the cold breeze of reality and see if he shapes up. Whatever the outcome, you deserve better than the current situation.

 

[Lilani]

I agree with Batou, it sounds like he's in a rut and needs to get kicked out of it. You've described a day in his life and none of it involved job searching or doing a little extra work around the house, or volunteering or anything productive. And honestly it sounds like he's not very satisfied with it, either. I think you should approach him this way. Just be honest: say that he doesn't seem happy and that bothers you, and that you want to help him get where he wants to be again. Even if he can't find a job right now, find something for him to do in order to keep him going. Being stagnant isn't satisfying for anybody. Even if it's volunteering that will be a good thing to put on a resume or job application. I'm not sure if you should set an ultimatum at this point because I don't know how recently he lost his job, but you should definitely mention that if he doesn't start making an effort to find a job then you aren't willing to hold you both up by yourself.

But don't trick yourself into "settling." The advice we give here can't be foolproof because you see more of him. If you aren't happy in the relationship and he isn't willing to try for your or his sake, then he is using you, and you can always do better than a user. You deserve better. Anyone would deserve better. People can do selfish things when they've got problems and you should do what you can to help him out, but if he isn't willing to help himself then there's nothing you can do.

 

[SwiftBlade18]

I felt like I had to post on this thread. It is very easy for everyone to take the side of he isnt doing anything and he is being lazy.

I would just like to say I was made redundant and was out of work for a year...I got all jokes etc from friends saying I just sit about and do nothing all day and they are paying me to do so (job seekers allowance). Even had my own parents say I was doing nothing but playing games. Its very easy to get down and moodswings happen...which will make you say things you dont really mean and misdirect anger at something else.

If you do still have feelings for him just be understanding and have a serious talk with him. No doubt he is depressed on some level whether he admits it or not, support is what will help him through it. You will probably see excitement in him sometimes too when looking for jobs he may see one that sounds amazing and he will talk to you about it.

I can only use my experience of being unemployed (I got my current job back in Feb). I'm not saying you should stick with him if you dont feel the same for him anymore because his current circumstances dont come into play in that scenario.

If you want to 'make sure' he is doing something maybe just ask how is the jobsearch going like once a week, it will act as like a little reminder and you get a progress update.

For those interested as I said earlier I was out of work for a year and people said I was doing nothing - By just emails I kept a record of I applied to 370 jobs (all of which im qualified for)...so thats more than one a day plus however many I didnt have an email record of....out of that I got 2 interviews...2nd of which is my job now.

 

[Lilani]

For those interested as I said earlier I was out of work for a year and people said I was doing nothing - By just emails I kept a record of I applied to 370 jobs (all of which im qualified for)...so thats more than one a day plus however many I didnt have an email record of....out of that I got 2 interviews...2nd of which is my job now.

I agree with pretty much everything you said, but I just wanted to mention that for future reference employers these days REALLY like it if you come in person and hand in your resume. Sending out emails is alright, and sometimes it's the only thing you can do, but if it is at all possible you should ALWAYS visit them in person and leave a physical resume. Now more than ever actually coming in and meeting somebody face to face is very important to employers. Because sending emails is easy, and when they start pouring through the HUNDREDS of names if they don't have any faces to match them with it's going to be easy for you to get lost in the crowd.

But if you visit in person and correspond with them often about whether or not they've filled the position, then not only do they have a name to go with your face, but they also know you are keenly interested in the job. If you badger them enough then they'll HAVE to give you a straight yes or a no. And the very worst they can do is say no. I just got an internship recently and the woman who interviewed me specifically asked if I had turned in the resume in person (I had), and she made a note of that. I had also managed to call her and ask about the position just before she was going to call me, and this was something she also seemed pleased about. Again, sometimes the only thing you can do is email, but if there is any way at all you can make some sort of contact whether by phone or meeting in person then DO IT. That way you're just more than a random name in somebody's inbox.

And this can be applied to just about any job, really. If you apply for a job at a supermarket or retail, depending on if they say whether or not they're hiring call them within a few days and make contact with the hiring manager. Just keep bothering them until they say no or give you an interview. The worst they can do is say no.

 

[Jinxzy]

I tried to talk to him about finding a job or helping him get a job. But he quickly gets mad and tells me to stop pestering him. That he'll find one when he's ready, until then he thinks unemployment is fine. He doesn't want to talk, think, or even look for a job.

 

[Psykoma]

I tried to talk to him about finding a job or helping him get a job. But he quickly gets mad and tells me to stop pestering him. That he'll find one when he's ready, until then he thinks unemployment is fine. He doesn't want to talk, think, or even look for a job.

I know you love him, and my opinion is devoid of that connection: but at a point where he absolutely won't talk about it, and he really seems like he's manipulating you into not doing anything about it, I would go with a kind of ultimatum.

I would say something along the lines of
"I'll give you 2-3 weeks to find something to do during the day. Once those weeks are up, I'm taking your keys, and when I leave for work in the morning you're leaving too, and you don't get to go back into the apartment until I do"


although I'm hesitant to say you really should do that too because from what little you've said of him, at this point that would likely end the relationship :/

 

[Kuilui]

Well it seems you have a pretty decent list of grievances. Seems like he is a bit of a jerk to. Especially when you bring up moving out. Maybe there is more going on then merely not wanting to look for a job, seems he's pretty pissed off about something. Maybe you should talk to him about the things you mentioned here as well if you haven't already. You shouldn't let things just fester because eventually your probably going to blow up on him and it probably won't be at a good time, better to choose now when to have this discussion. Oh and word of advice NEVER SETTLE. I've seen more people do that and it always ends the same, in pain and misery and an ugly divorce.

 

[Dragonclaw]

I was all on board with the "Hey, this guy is out of work and probably feeling pretty sorry for himself" bandwagon....been there myself, until the 'if we break up it'll hurt YOU more than me' crack. IMHO that is wholly unacceptable and either he is feeling incredibly down and is lashing out, which you don't deserve, or he really is that apathetic about your relationship it's time to kick him to the curb because you DEFINATELY don't deserve that.

I'd say it's time for a state of the union talk, because you are obviously frustrated and it's a very short jump from frustrated to resentment. He needs to at least know how serious your concerns are, but it sounds like you really should be prepared to walk away if he actually places that little value on your relationship. I know it sucks after so long together, but it might be for the best, especially if that's how he feels.

 

[sarkeizen]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 5 years now. We live together and had our ups and down but lately it's not been the same. He recently lost his job and has been home every day. While I work and keep and steady income. So I'm the only one working while he stays home and plays video games. I come home then we deiced what we want for dinner, I get some gaming in and then its bed time for me. Maybe (well I think) I'm starting to get bitter towards him cause he gets to do nothing while I work. When I have a day off all I really want to do is spend the day with him. He just seems like he wants to be left alone and do his own thing. Which makes me sad cause just a few hours together playing games or watching a tv show is all I want.

There are days I want to be by myself and not have him around so I can just enjoy some piece and quite. But he's always home. Also his "gaming room" that he plays in has the computer, cable, all the systems, and a couch. While my "gaming room" was our left over spare room that has plants, my tv and my system. I get a little mad when I just want to play on the computer or watch tv shows that I like by myself but I can't cause his "gaming room" has everything. This was my apartment before I asked him if he wanted to move in with me, so I feel like I don't have my own room in the apartment anymore.

I talked about him moving out and if we were to break up and he didn't seem to care at all, even a little spiteful. Saying stuff like "If we break up I know it will hurt you more then me" "I can pack up and leave any time I want to" I love him and really care for him but part of me is saying "You can do better, he's just using you" while another part is saying "This is the best you'll ever find, so lets settle" I even thought about just sticking it out with him and settling but that means giving up on a lot of dreams of mine. Like trying to say up for my own house and starting a more adult life. I'm so confuse on what to do.

Do I let him go? Do I hang on? Do I try to talk to him again? Do I just start over from square one with him? Do I law down some rules?

So lets see.

i)You resent him playing video games while you're working.
I'd say that in a relationship where there's mutual expenses both parties have a responsibility to cover them. If he's not even looking for work then that's a pretty big red flag. If he is looking for work then there's the question of how long it takes to find a job in his field. You should probably have a discussion with him and ask him what his plans are. 5 months out, 12 months out etc. In other words if he's holding out for a job in environmental science. How long before he starts working at Future Shop or McDonalds.

ii) You want some time with him when you have a day off. Ask him if he thinks this is fair and reasonable and if not why? (I'm not implying here that what you want *isn't* fair - it seems reasonable to me but if you really want to figure out where this relationship is going. It's a good idea to get him to talk.)
iii) You want to have priority use of the computer when you get home from work. Similarly ask him if he things this is fair and reasonable and if not why?

When doing these things try *not* to interrupt him or argue about if his beliefs are right or wrong. Just let him talk about what he thinks is fair. You might want to, when he's finished calmly re-itterate to him what he's just described to you. Just so you are both clear on what he is thinking.

I would expect one of two things. Either he turns around on these issues - on his own - about prioritizing time with you and computer access. Sometimes people feel threatened when people ask for things or sometimes they don't know how big of a jerk they're being until the words come out of their own mouth. Whatever, in which case the relationship is probably worth keeping for now.

On the other hand if instead you hear some pretty big BS rationalizations. Then perhaps you should start planning an exit.

WRT him saying things like spiteful things. Just, as calmly as you can point them out. i.e. "That really hurts","Don't you think that's treating me kind of badly?". As I said earlier, if you're trying to figure out if you want to stay in this. You need to first figure out what kind of person he is. If he's sincerely apologetic when you're hurt then perhaps he simply is poorly socialized. If he's NOT, if hes mean or dismissive when you simply and plainly state that you've been hurt. Then again that's possibly a sign of much bigger problems and you might think about getting out.