Original post
Well, it's over. We broke up. Although basically nothing changed, since we're still friends, and since that's all we really were to begin with...
The only real change is that I won't be wasting my weekends alone and waiting for her to return my calls, so things should get better for both of us. Thanks for the help.
1- There's an abridged version at the bottom. The big wall-o-text is just details and such.
Basic background info on the root of the problem.
The important details
TL
R- I'm in a 9 month relationship with no intimacy at all, and I'm getting one hell of a set of mixed signals. I have one more chance to say I'm unhappy with the current state of things, and want to do it without sounding like I'm trying to force her into something she doesn't want to do at the threat of a breakup. However, I can't physically be happy for much longer (I'd give it a month or so, tops) unless things change (even by just moving forward at least a little). How would you suggest going about this?
Basic background info on the root of the problem.
I have a fairly minor problem. Well, minor in the grand scheme of things, but it's driving me crazy. I've been in a relationship for 9 months. It's mostly good, but with one problem (I believe I've mentioned it here somewhere before)- A complete lack of intimacy. Back when we were first going out, I thought it was just a very slowly moving relationship, and I was ok with that, knowing that it would get to where I wanted it to be a little down the road.
The problem? Our first kiss happened a good ways in (like, 2+ months in. Like I said, it was very slow moving. A bit too slow, but it seemed to work at the time), as expected. Then it stopped. Like, dead stop. As in, from the moment that half-second "quick peck on the lips, then get out of there" kiss, there has been absolutely no progression of the relationship at all. My attempts to initiate anything more verbally (Like saying "let's make out" in one form or another when the time seems right) are met with hesitation and "not right now"s. My attempts to take initiative and just go for it without saying anything (also when the time seems right) are met with pretty much the same (Although in this case, it's less of a "no" and more of a "I try for a long kiss at least, but she pulls back at the usual half-second mark".)
The problem? Our first kiss happened a good ways in (like, 2+ months in. Like I said, it was very slow moving. A bit too slow, but it seemed to work at the time), as expected. Then it stopped. Like, dead stop. As in, from the moment that half-second "quick peck on the lips, then get out of there" kiss, there has been absolutely no progression of the relationship at all. My attempts to initiate anything more verbally (Like saying "let's make out" in one form or another when the time seems right) are met with hesitation and "not right now"s. My attempts to take initiative and just go for it without saying anything (also when the time seems right) are met with pretty much the same (Although in this case, it's less of a "no" and more of a "I try for a long kiss at least, but she pulls back at the usual half-second mark".)
The important details
So, how do you solve a problem like this? You talk about it. So, I tried that a while back. The problem is, my first attempt was a bit rushed, and thus ended up coming out as what seemed like "intimacy or death, take a few days to think about this. I'll talk to you then." As usual, after driving away (she had an appointment that day, so we couldn't talk longer), I thought "you idiot", directed at myself.
So, the next time we talked (which was also the most recent), I took the liberty of clarifying. Only, instead of clarifying to what I actually thought, it ended up coming out as more of a "I'll wait for you to be ready, even if it takes forever!", which is pretty much the mentality I started the relationship with, and is the exact reason I was unsatisfied in the first place. So, essentially, I moved back to square one here. Again, the thoughts after I left: "You idiot(again)."
(At this point, I would like to clarify that my intended message is something along the lines of "I need to know if this is going anywhere, because I need at least some intimacy in a relationship, and although I don't want to push you into anything you aren't ready for, I can't wait for too much longer")
Well, not entirely. While we ended up exactly where we started after that second brief talk, I did hear her thoughts on what I said the first time. See, that first time, I pretty much spelled it out that I felt we needed at least some intimacy (or at least some progress) in this relationship, because physically, we haven't done anything that two platonic friends wouldn't do, and I'm not content with this.
So, other than my "making the problem seem less serious than I actually felt it was" idiocy, one thing she said in response to that first time set off alarms in my mind. That being, "I'm happy just being friends right now".
First of all, she does realize that we are, in fact, in a dating relationship, so that's not the issue (She even brought up the fact that one of her friend's had a boyfriend who broke up with her on Valentines day (in the "I never want to see you again" manner), and she feared that happening after our first talk... and REALLY wants to do everything possible to not let that happen). But those words, in my mind, are associated with either breaking up with someone or refusing their initial "will you go out with me", and should NEVER be used in the context of an ongoing relationship without an intent to end it. Yet, that's exactly how she used it.
Now, that may just be referring to my earlier "we haven't done anything two friends wouldn't have done" comment, or it may not be. I don't know. I do know that having all these serious talks every time we see each other is eventually going to get very quite annoying though, and I'm unhappy leaving it the way it is now, so I need to make the next time I talk to her about it the finale of this whole "Let's talk about this issue" crap.
In short, how would you suggest I state my concerns? You know, without being too forceful about it, but without giving up any of my own feelings/concerns (I'm already on the minimum limit of my "happiness in the relationship" scale, I can't give up any more. This whole thing is about moving up on that, not moving down farther).
So, the next time we talked (which was also the most recent), I took the liberty of clarifying. Only, instead of clarifying to what I actually thought, it ended up coming out as more of a "I'll wait for you to be ready, even if it takes forever!", which is pretty much the mentality I started the relationship with, and is the exact reason I was unsatisfied in the first place. So, essentially, I moved back to square one here. Again, the thoughts after I left: "You idiot(again)."
(At this point, I would like to clarify that my intended message is something along the lines of "I need to know if this is going anywhere, because I need at least some intimacy in a relationship, and although I don't want to push you into anything you aren't ready for, I can't wait for too much longer")
Well, not entirely. While we ended up exactly where we started after that second brief talk, I did hear her thoughts on what I said the first time. See, that first time, I pretty much spelled it out that I felt we needed at least some intimacy (or at least some progress) in this relationship, because physically, we haven't done anything that two platonic friends wouldn't do, and I'm not content with this.
So, other than my "making the problem seem less serious than I actually felt it was" idiocy, one thing she said in response to that first time set off alarms in my mind. That being, "I'm happy just being friends right now".
First of all, she does realize that we are, in fact, in a dating relationship, so that's not the issue (She even brought up the fact that one of her friend's had a boyfriend who broke up with her on Valentines day (in the "I never want to see you again" manner), and she feared that happening after our first talk... and REALLY wants to do everything possible to not let that happen). But those words, in my mind, are associated with either breaking up with someone or refusing their initial "will you go out with me", and should NEVER be used in the context of an ongoing relationship without an intent to end it. Yet, that's exactly how she used it.
Now, that may just be referring to my earlier "we haven't done anything two friends wouldn't have done" comment, or it may not be. I don't know. I do know that having all these serious talks every time we see each other is eventually going to get very quite annoying though, and I'm unhappy leaving it the way it is now, so I need to make the next time I talk to her about it the finale of this whole "Let's talk about this issue" crap.
In short, how would you suggest I state my concerns? You know, without being too forceful about it, but without giving up any of my own feelings/concerns (I'm already on the minimum limit of my "happiness in the relationship" scale, I can't give up any more. This whole thing is about moving up on that, not moving down farther).
TL
R- I'm in a 9 month relationship with no intimacy at all, and I'm getting one hell of a set of mixed signals. I have one more chance to say I'm unhappy with the current state of things, and want to do it without sounding like I'm trying to force her into something she doesn't want to do at the threat of a breakup. However, I can't physically be happy for much longer (I'd give it a month or so, tops) unless things change (even by just moving forward at least a little). How would you suggest going about this?Well, it's over. We broke up. Although basically nothing changed, since we're still friends, and since that's all we really were to begin with...
The only real change is that I won't be wasting my weekends alone and waiting for her to return my calls, so things should get better for both of us. Thanks for the help.
