Relationship Problem, surprise surprise

[YourSoCoolBrewster]

Hey guys, I read this forum a lot, don't post much though. I finally (unfortunately, I suppose) have a reason to ask for advice. The thing is... I've been seeing this girl for about 3 months now. I guess I should back up and say this is the first relationship I've been in since I broke it off with my ex (little over two years ago). It was a terrible, high-school angst type of relationship but that doesn't mean it didn't leave me utterly destroyed for a while. Fast forward two years, I've given myself what I thought was enough time to be able to get back into a relationship with a girl.

So, things were going good for a while, up until about a week and a half ago. We haven't had sex, we are both wanting to take it slow because we both know that things like that just complicate a relationship. We have made out, and done some "third-base" type stuff. But ever since that, she seems to be distancing herself from me. I thought maybe I was smothering her with attention (I complimented her all the time, for example, I asked her how her day went, etc. Nothing to crazy, imo, but I could see it being clingy to some people). It could also very well be the fact that we are getting closer to having sex, and she is balking. Which is perfectly understandable, she has a bit of a fucked-up past. Now, this past week, we were supposed to hang on Wednesday. She canceled the night before, then flip-flopped the next day, and we hung out. Then, on saturday night, we had a date set, and she canceled, again. No flip-flop. It's weird; when I'm around her, shit seems fine. When I'm not though, she seems really really distant.

To get away from all this exposition, my first question is: I have a fear that she may not be as into this as I am. At what point, if there is a point, do I have a right to ask her outright about that? I don't want to come across as insecure, but at the same time, I don't want to put all this energy into something that isn't going to work out. I know how that would come across to a girl, and the thing is, she truly is worth being patient for. I'm not looking for instant gratification, but at the same time, I guess I need assurance that this is working, from her. Is that too much to ask for, you think? I know 3 months isn't a long time, and I can tell myself it's nothing to really get worked up over, but damn this girl is unbelievable, imo. I think I may be dealing with some lingering abandonment issues leftover from my ex, which I think I could work through, with some time. Should I go that route, and show some vulnerability? That's generally how I am; I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I balance it enough to where it's not overbearing.

Secondly, we have a soft date planned for "sometime this week". If she bails again, would it be the time to ask her? Something like, "Hey, is this just bad luck or are you wanting out of the relationship?" I could understand if she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, she is 17 (turns 18 in a month, so no pedo-bear pics, please ), I'm 20, we are in completely different stages of life. Also, I just thought of this, but about a month ago I got a job offer that would take me about 3 states away (I live in the US) At first, I told her I was contemplating taking it, huge increase in pay, plus gives me a chance to live in a big city. When I told her, she looked a little hurt, and I gave it a few days and turned down the job offer because it's something that will reoccur in my business; I'll just take the next one. Also, I told her that I liked her, and wanted to stick around for a while.

So, in essence, I will be moving away from this place in the next year or so, I don't know if that would have a huge part in it. To make sure I didn't leave anything out, we dated for about a month before we moved into strict "bf/gf" territory, and it was talked through, we both wanted to make sure we both wanted to take the next step and all that. So, that about sums it up, sorry for all the info included in here, wanted to make sure it was content-heavy enough to promote advice.


TL;DR - Been dating a girl for 3 months, shit was going good until about a week and half ago (started bailing on dates, etc.) Is there a point where I have a right to ask her
if she still wants to be in a relationship, and is there a way to do this without coming across as an asshole or insecure.

Thanks in advance for a: reading all my bullshit drama, and b: offering advice if you can

 

[Ossian]

I have no relationship experience, but logic in my mind says if she bails on another date without a reason, next time you see her ask if she isn't into the relationship or if she is nervous about anything. Don't push her if she has had past relationship issues.
Don't mention anything about breaking up, I'd think she might assume it is you wanting to break up and you're nit picking.

Again, I have no XP in the matter so my opinion is useless.

 

[klaynexas3]

just ask her if anything's wrong or something. talk to her and just be like "you feel kind of distant, is there something going on? did i do something?" you need to talk to her about it, and you'll most likely be on one end of the asshole/insecure spectrum, so i'd say best end is the insecure cause the asshole one will just piss her off and make shit worse. if she bails, ask her why she wasn't there. like "did something else come up?" don't bring up anything about thinking she wants out, cause that's just a smack to the face.

good luck man

 

[YourSoCoolBrewster]

Thanks for replying guys. The first time she bailed, it was because she didn't want to hang out. She had just come off a like, 6 day stretch of work, and that's completely understandable and I was fine with it. The next time, she said it was her best friend's b-day party, which again, understandable, but the thing is I had just talked to her the night before and she was all set to go for tomorrow. Seems like either: she honestly just forgot about it, or she copped out. It honestly felt like a cop out, so I just kind of said okay, and haven't talked to her since then. At this point, I'm just going to let her talk to me when she wants, that's always a good way to judge things I think.

 

[YourSoCoolBrewster]

If it's only a week and a half she's been acting this way, it could be a variety of factors outside of dissatisfaction in your relationship. But, I'll keep it in that ballpark at the moment. This is going to be an oddly personal question, but is she a virgin? If your growing closer to sex and she's a virgin that's going to be making her pause for thought, especially when you're older by two years. If so, you might want to discuss sex with her some more as that might be a factor, because she simply might unsure if she wants to go through with the whole thing after getting so close physically.

There's always the possibility it's something else in her life though that's distracting her. Either way, I would ask her how she feels about the relationship, although try not to do it a needy/insecure way. If she's struggling with something outside of both of you, it's important to find out what that is.

No, she isn't a virgin. Since we're behind a wall of anonymity, her first time, she was date-raped by some fucking douchebag. And this last relationship, she felt as if she had to fuck him to keep him around. So not a great past, and like I said, that could very well be where all this distance is coming from. I've been up front with her from the beginning, told her, you tell me how far you want things to go, and we'll only let it go as far as you're comfortable with. But yeah, if I don't hear from her by tomorrow, then I guess I will just ask her if there is anything wrong, but doing it in a less insecure kind of way.

 

[MassiveGeek]

Hm.

Well, I'm a 17 year old too, I'll turn eighteen this year, my boyfriend's 19 will turn 20 this year. We're in a distance relationship, and I've had bad luck with everything that inlcudes other people - friends have turned out to be douchebags, guys tried to sleep with me without having a genuine interest in anything else about me, etc.
My current boyfriend is wonderful though, we've been going out for about a year now, now, we're intimate with eachother, but it took a while for me to actually feel comfortable during this intimacy, mostly due to seeing him one or two weeks at a time with at least a month between each... visit or whatever. My point is that if you've been through crap, you'll need time to adjust and get used to someone that actually genuinely likes you. You're usually afraid to take a wrong step and do something wrong, or the opposite, let go to much and end up getting hurt.
Talk to her about it, be honest with your feelings and tell her you support her, without sticking your nose too far into her life if you're able. If there's something really bothering her, try to get her to talk to you about it - but sometimes all she needs is to know you're there for her, it can help a whole lot.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Ask her if there's anything wrong, if she says 'why?' just say 'I dunno, you just seemed to be acting a bit funny.'

I've always used that as like a litmus test for this kinda thing.

 

[zombiesinc]

To get away from all this exposition, my first question is: I have a fear that she may not be as into this as I am. At what point, if there is a point, do I have a right to ask her outright about that?
Should I go that route, and show some vulnerability? That's generally how I am; I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I balance it enough to where it's not overbearing.

In my opinion, either party always has a right to ask the other if they're 'feeling it', and want to go on with the relationship. It's an absolutely fair question, so long as it's about the relationship, and not about lack of sex. A relationship is a partnership between two people. It must be equal, mutual, and both parties must be willing to compromise, trust and share. Don't worry about if you have a right, or if there's a right time.

Secondly, we have a soft date planned for "sometime this week". If she bails again, would it be the time to ask her? Something like, "Hey, is this just bad luck or are you wanting out of the relationship?"

If she bails again, of course you have a right to ask. It's always better to ask than to assume you know what the other is thinking or feeling.

Also, I just thought of this, but about a month ago I got a job offer that would take me about 3 states away (I live in the US) At first, I told her I was contemplating taking it, huge increase in pay, plus gives me a chance to live in a big city. When I told her, she looked a little hurt, and I gave it a few days and turned down the job offer because it's something that will reoccur in my business; I'll just take the next one. Also, I told her that I liked her, and wanted to stick around for a while.

Does she know you turned this job down? Perhaps that would help her realize (if she hasn't already) just how you feel towards her, possibly encouraging her to open up, rather than to (seemingly) push you away. If she does know, and nothing's changed, I would suggest asking her as soon as possible if she's feeling that the relationship is working/will work. If you're concerned that she's worried about having sex sooner than she'd like, express to her that you're not worried about sex, so long as she actually wants to be in the relationship. There's nothing more unfair to either parties than one staying in the relationship out of fear of hurting the other.

I'd encourage you to have this conversation as soon as possible also so you know where you stand once another job opportunity arrives. You can't keep turning down a better career opportunity for a girl who doesn't seem sure about you, or your relationship. Perhaps that's another thing you could mention to her, depending on what she says regarding your relationship. It will seem like a lot of pressure on her, but even so, you're in a phase of your life where you need to prioritize your life, and ensure that you're making the best decisions for you. Although you're sure those job opportunities will arise more often than not, you can't bank on that, 'cause it's entirely possible that one day you'll be sitting in the same town, and regretting the three previous turned down opportunities for a relationship that was never going anywhere to begin with. That may not be the case, but it's always best to take into consideration both sides of the coin.

 

[quiet_samurai]

she is 17 (turns 18 in a month)

There's your answer right there bro. At that age most people don't know what they want, let alone when it comes to romantic pursuits. If you want t0 ask her go ahead, but I'm pretty sure you will get something that is either untrue or spoken from ignorance. I would ahve taken the job and left, there is nothig that says you still cannot communicate with one another and remain friends.

 

[Loud Noise]

To be honest I think it's because you've only been dating for three months. Expecting sex at three months is a little soon when you add in a traumatic past, especially for girls. Depending on the abuse it can take a long time for you to trust guys again, I know from first hand experience. It's important for both of you to take it slow, as it should be a matter of trust and love, which is what building a relationship is about. You seem to understand that though, but I don't think she does. Her opinion of relationships is probably skewed due to what happened and she doesn't know how to proceed normally because she hasn't learned how.

The career opportunity is a permanent whereas new relationships are rocky. I am about to be moving down to live by my boyfriend and we have had a long distance relationship for a year or so now. If she loves you she'll find a way to make it work with you and vice versa.

 

[YourSoCoolBrewster]

Well, I thought I'd go ahead and update you guys on what went/is going down. I went ahead and asked her (she didn't bail again or anything, it just kind of ate away at me and I couldn't take it.) I have mixed feelings about her response right now.

First, she said she was going through some shit with her family, which she told me about. Albeit, it was in passing, hence why I didn't put two and two together. Still, makes me feel kind of retarded for not seeing that in the first place. She also said, "I just don't know what I want, I was going to talk to you about this, but I want to do it in person." Which really, just brings all sorts of terrible ideas to me. So now we are supposed to get together sometime this week (both of our work schedules have made it hard to see each other on a regular basis lately)

I added that for me, at least, this wasn't about breaking up or anything like that. I told her not to let that change her mind; do what she needs to do for her own sake. Don't stay in it to avoid hurting me, it'll hurt more in the long run. She also said, she's just going through a difficult time. I really kind of expect a break-up here soon, probably just a result of bad timing, or she's letting me down easy. So, I guess, we will see. I will share my misery or joy with my fellow escapists when that happens.

 

[rutger5000]

You have the right to let her take the initiative sometimes. If she cancels the next date, then I wouldn't ask her out again before she asks you out. If she doesn't ask you out, or doesn't ask why you didn't ask her out. Then I think you should just let it die and move one. Though it would be polite to officially break it of when you meet the next girl.
That's what I would do.