Relationships: Being yourself (with pictures!)

[DoctorObviously]

Quite recently I met someone in my neighbourhood I've gotten fond of. While there hasn't been this huge spark between us, there are situations where I have and talk to her in order to get something done. But you see, if I were to go to her on moments where I don't really need anything from her, it would obviously come across as odd and weird to say the least.

So, being curious, I look up the internet to perhaps find a way to reach her without being clingy or weird or anything. Immediately I find thousands of websites with relationship guides the size of Christian Bibles telling you how men should act EXACTLY how women subconciously want them to act and so on.

But after five minutes of casual reading, it just hit me.

Why can't I be myself with another person?

Why am I required to read tons upon tons of books on relationships in order to have a SLIGHT chance of having one? These days, espescially if it's a person of the opposite sex, people like me face these gigantic f*cking barriers 'of entry' just to get TO KNOW a person.

I'm not a pervert nor am I a prude, and I'm not talking about a relationship in this sense:

But more in this sense:

I find being myself is hard enough as it is.

Maybe I'm completely missing the point, and if I am, I would really like it if people point out where I'm wrong. Maybe I'm overthinking it. That's probably it.

Perhaps I come across as frustrated or angry, and yes, I am a bit frustrated. It seems so easy for others to find what they want or need.

 

[Strazdas]

YOu can be yourself. However the woman in question is not oblidged to like you being yourself. those guildes are shaped so the way you act would fit what the majority of woman like (according to the author, not necessarely objective), so you have the highest chance. its not necessarely, but if you want a shallow relationship with an average woman it will work. in all other cases - no. problem is, women read these guides too and expect you to act like that. and they dont act themselves either.

 

[Zhukov]

Whenever I hear Be Yourself[sup]TM[/sup] or some variation thereof my first thought is, "What about when Myself is a pretty awful kind of person?"

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

I would say it's big confidence thing. I remember I used to be quite funny and talkative about a year and a half ago, before a girl dumped me. I got pretty damned depressed about a lot of things and lost all my confidence, I managed to find some great friends and these days I find it hard to be the same cheerful guy I used to be around anyone else (unless I'm drunk). Stuff happened inbetween, someone else dumped me, but I've met a girl recently who I act like I want to around, which is pretty weird for me. Being confident means that you can be comfortable, and then you don't have to keep thinking 'say something! SAY ANYTHING DAMMIT!', you can just be yourself.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Why can't I be myself with another person?

A lot of advice that centers around how to act on dates, or how to converse with the opposite sex, aren't about masking your identity so much as putting your best foot forward. Projecting a positive impression. If "yourself" is about expressing your values and interests, by all means...be yourself. If "yourself" is being neurotic or depressing or needlessly confrontational, then you're not "being yourself" so much as indulging your desire to act however you please and then griping about the consequences.

Dealing with other human beings...romantically or otherwise...isn't terribly difficult, but it may require stepping outside your comfort zone. You'll often hear that you need to "be confident". Not because you can never show insecurity in front of a woman lest she tear you apart, but because CONSTANT insecurity is wearisome and not particularly attractive (in either gender). You don't need to be in a good mood all the time, but if you're looking to make a strong first impression I recommend not showing up and doing your best Eeyore impersonation. And on, and on, and on. No one has (or should have) a sense of self that precludes them being happy, or confident, or pleasant, or patient, or kind. If you feel that you do, you need to forestall dating until you've done some work on yourself.

 

[JoJo]

Whenever I hear Be Yourself[sup]TM[/sup] or some variation thereof my first thought is, "What about when Myself is a pretty awful kind of person?"

There's over seven billion people on Earth, however whacked, evil or plain unusual you are, there will be someone out there that will fit you. Heck, even Hitler had a mistress who presumably loved him since she committed suicide with him. Not "being yourself" will just lead to unhappiness if you spend the rest of your life pretending to be someone-else.

 

[generals3]

Whenever I hear Be Yourself[sup]TM[/sup] or some variation thereof my first thought is, "What about when Myself is a pretty awful kind of person?"

Going full Godwin on this one: Even Hitler got a chick. Surely you can't be worse than him.

OT: Nobody says you have to act in a certain way, all those books are just meant to help. Their tips are not necessary (if they were me and many others who have never read them would hopeless, well ok i am hopeless but i know others who aren't). You know it's like reading guides on how to play games, they just help, but not everybody needs them.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Whenever I hear Be Yourself[sup]TM[/sup] or some variation thereof my first thought is, "What about when Myself is a pretty awful kind of person?"

Going full Godwin on this one: Even Hitler got a chick. Surely you can't be worse than him.

OT: Nobody says you have to act in a certain way, all those books are just meant to help. Their tips are not necessary (if they were me and many others who have never read them would hopeless, well ok i am hopeless but i know others who aren't). You know it's like reading guides on how to play games, they just help, but not everybody needs them.

Ugh Godwin on a relationship thread, terrific.

OT: Sadly there's no better advice than "be yourself". You can read all you want and act like Date Mike...

... but sooner or later you'll have to drop the act. It may get you a few tries but you won't be able to build anything meaningul in the long run, which is what relationships are all about. Bear in mind though, not everybody has to like you (thank god), and when it doesn't happen, it just doesn't happen. Don't be Romeo, don't take it as a personal challenge to win over every single love interest. It'll only bring in frustration. Just be patient, be confident and don't take rejection as defeat.

 

[Phasmal]

Well, you can be yourself.
I once had a friend who decided he was into me, and you could almost hear the mechanical CLUNK of gears shifting in his mind.
Suddenly he wasn't treating me like Phasmal, the person he knew, but as A Woman.
He even quoted poetry at me once. AWKWARD.
He stopped being my friend and started acting how he thought he should act in order to `get` me.
That would never work out.

I've always acted myself when dating, and I would want anyone I date to do the same.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Suddenly he wasn't treating me like Phasmal, the person he knew...

Is your name actually Phasmal? Are you a superhero?

With a name like Phasmal I assume you are. I want to know why you're not doing more about the high crime rates, Phasmal.

 

[generals3]

Ugh Godwin on a relationship thread, terrific.

I bet you didn't see that one coming.

 

[Phasmal]

Suddenly he wasn't treating me like Phasmal, the person he knew...

Is your name actually Phasmal? Are you a superhero?

With a name like Phasmal I assume you are. I want to know why you're not doing more about the high crime rates, Phasmal.

Okay, I should have put it in [these], get off my back ;P

Besides, my first name (Lucy) is a dog's name anyway!
You don't know how many times I've heard `Oh! My [friend/neighbour/sister] has a dog named Lucy!`

 

[Tom_green_day]

When I try and be myself the girl always assumes we're best mates instead of, like, potential? As far as I see it, being yourself is good as long as you're only yourself about the good things. If you have a bad aspect, don't be yourself for that. That's a bad plan.

 

[Aslyn]

You don't need books. Being yourself is good. If you are depressed or neurotic or any of the other things that might drive people away, then you may want to work on that before getting into a relationship. Girls just want guys to be normal.

I do hate that modern culture seems to be saying "Be anyone but who you are! Because you suck, buy this book/pill/video/anti-aging lotion/whatever!"

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Besides, my first name (Lucy) is a dog's name anyway!

You don't know how many times I've heard `Oh! My [friend/neighbour/sister] has a dog named Lucy!`

Lucy is a beautiful name. I would name my dog that in an instant.

 

[Ashhearth]

Whenever I hear Be Yourself[sup]TM[/sup] or some variation thereof my first thought is, "What about when Myself is a pretty awful kind of person?"

Then you find someone who is just as awful as you are, and make awful babies with them. :3

Seriously.

I eagerly await the day I'll meet a nice girl/androgynous person, and we'll both laugh at black people and the Holocaust together.

OT: Being yourself is a good idea. Being comfortable with being yourself is also really hard, particularly when it goes against societal norms.

I feel like sharing a love of Holocaust jokes might not work 9 times out of ten.

OT: Basically this, especially being comfortable with yourself. I rip myself apart over little things that my girlfriend thinks I should let go. In the end she is usually right too

Ya just gotta be patient because all good things come in time.