Relationships, jobs, and anger issues, oh my! AKA the mega-vent.

[Doclector]

I think this is a new record for me NOT posting topics in the advice forum. I hope that might semi-justify the shit I'm about to ramble on about, but I won't be surprised or all that offended if it doesn't.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been growing more and more angry. I'm usually more well known for my occasionally explosive temper than I'd like to admit. Most of the time I cover how angry and bitter I am with humour and pass it off as comical grumpiness, but when I blow my top, suffice to say it stops being funny.

It's not necessarily that my tantrums are any more vicious, but they're more frequent. Little things just piss me off to no end, and I think it's because I'm starting to dwell on things that bother me again.

It just sometimes feels like everything's bloody hopeless. I'm struggling to get a job, struggling to bother to even try anymore. I've got one year left of uni, at which I'm studying media arts (essentially film/TV production with some photography and essay writing thrown in), and after that? I'll be on the dole, which the government seems determined to eliminate. Dole or no, I don't want to spend the rest of my life making weekly visits to a fucking jobcentre just to get shouted at by some council worker tosspot for not managing to be the one in three hundred who gets the job. Honestly, i'm not sure how long I'd last before attempting to strangle one of the little shits.

What's worse is where I'll be going back to. I don't live especially far away from home at uni, but there's a fucking world of difference. Here I have friends and places I can almost pretend to fit in. There's only two kinds of people where I used to live now, and that's old people and chavs. My friends who were there simply aren't good people anymore, I'm not sure if they ever were. Outside of my jobcentre visits, there'll just be sitting in my room playing videogames all damn day, which is terrific for a couple of weeks, but after a while you just feel yourself rotting away, days melt into one and other, and every day the things you like doing just become more and more like habits, done not because you enjoy it but because fuck, what the hell else do you have to do?

Talking of which, I've got the summer holidays coming up. I'm looking forward to the first couple of weeks. All attempts at a summer job have fallen on deaf fuckwit ears.

Finally there's that old problem again, that some part of me desperately wants a girlfriend, but I cannot hope to attract anyone. I know there's a certain proportion of it that's dumb biology. I'm pretty sure it's against our natural patterns to be a virgin at my age (22). I don't want to hear shit about how it's perfectly normal. It isn't, and we both fucking know it, and even if it's socially normal, I'm damn sure it isn't biologically. Is it possible to go batshit insane from simple lack of sex? By not fulfilling your primal goals? I don't know, I'd prefer not to find out, but I think I will at some point. However much I'd like to deny it, there's some part of it that's emotional.

And then there's society in general. I always feel like I'm not wanted here, nowhere on this planet. Why am I always the fucker getting out of people's way? Why is it fine for people to push me, but it's fucking world war 3 when I push back? I'm fed up of having to deal with people's codes and body language and bullshit. Going back to that relationship thing, you know the bullshit going on now? It's considered normal to tell someone to go away just so they'll come chasing after you. If read right, congratulations, you're fucking sherlock holmes, must be to figure that one out. However, if someone told you to go away and you didn't, and that isn't what they wanted, you'd be branded creepy. I'm constantly worried about that. I look creepy enough without the attitude to back it up. I'm constantly afraid that if I look at some attractive girl in the street for longer than a few milliseconds, I'll be branded as creepy. I'm afraid that if I talk to a girl without being prior spoken to, I'm being an asshole. Fuck, i'm terrified every time I go to my local preowned game/dvd store, that I'll have to talk to the pretty girl at the counter. when i do, I just look around, pretend to be interested by the posters, for fear of offending someone.

That's the thing. There's so many fucking rules, and different sets of rules for friends, partners, coworkers, everything. Eye contact, no eye contact, handshakes, not too loose, not too hard, oh god help you if you let go a millisecond to late or too early, god help you if you say the wrong specific word at any given time, and god help you if you don't say it when you were supposed to. It's fucking insane, and apparently that's how "normal" people are supposed to work. Nobody tells the exact truth, nobody makes anything clear, and if you get something wrong, you're instantly a fucking asshole. I am so fucking sick and tired of coping with it all, all of this fucked up world. I'm sick of asking why and being told "just because".

It just all drives me to the edge, and then all it takes is a little push for me to go apeshit.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I'm already going to therapy now, they want me doing cognitive behavioural therapy. Apparently I'm supposed to get phoned up with a new appointment soonish. I'm just not sure how to cope with knowing this is my entire life, being shitted on by corporations and told I'm a bad fucking person for not getting the cryptic codes and shit, and it's getting to a point where I'm not even sure whether I should keep a lid on things, it feels like it all deserves for me to go apeshit at them, like that'd be reasonable, and I know damn well it's not.

 

[Chromatic Aberration]

I have the odd feeling that I've said the exact same thing to you before but, well, in case I have to reiterate, I have to reiterate, so...

Dude, fucking chill!​

First, you need to ask yourself if you aren't blowing things needlessly out of proportion: for one, you say you are not getting a job and are already tired of looking for one while you still have more than a year of time left at your uni. Don't you think it's a bit premature to freak out over not getting a job a year before that fact comes to a conclusion? Not that I'd discourage you from taking looking for a job seriously but you still have a lot of time to make it work. Freaking out over it now seems needlessly inefficient and makes you anxious for no real reason whatsoever - especially since the things you worry about even if you don't get a job within a year aren't even close to happening. I mean, having to go back to your parents is probably not going to happen in a social state as you will almost certainly be paid the rent for any small apartment you might get - at least, such is the case in my country. Furthermore, who says you can't get a job even after you graduated? I'm willing to bet that the majority of graduates will not have a secure position waiting for them when they graduate but will only find one afterwards.

Moreover, you also stressed that you didn't get a job for this years summer break - but that doesn't mean that you can't do anything productive during that time. From learning a skill to making a worthwhile vacation over getting an internship you still have a lot of options; The latter also has the advantage of getting a feet in the door of some future position you might be interested in.

Then there's the whole sex part. I mean, really? You are freaking out because it isn't "biological" to not have sex with 22 years? First, you still have a lot of time, then the whole naturalistic fallacy has been called out so often it's not even funny anymore - it's also not natural to wear clothes and not scavenge for food all day, so any point regarding naturalness or biology usually doesn't make much of an argument - ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex and all the different deviations and levels of attraction that go into the whole sexuality issue. Consider asexuals for instance or simply the whole celibacy thing in the church - not having sex certainly won't kill you and I'd say you are also getting needlessly anxious over that which would also be the only way that you can get insane from it.

Which brings me to the next part: blowing things out of proportion is one thing - the other is to let yourself get anxious over that and why you are even letting that stuff get to you as it does; Because, let's be frank, it doesn't have to. I think it's important to develop a healthy dose of make-believe in that regard: basically everything is gonna work out one way or the other and you are already trying to make it work - this post and the fact that you are seeing a therapist is proof enough of that. Things won't change overnight, so a little bit of trust in the future is always preferable to making yourself anxious over things that might be a transient state anyway. A little bit of make-believe and a huge dose of realism is all you need in that regard.

However, for all those things you should worry less about there is one where you should see more importance - and that is how you play the game and how important the others are in assessing it. I usually use a metaphor of life as a game of poker: sometimes you'll have to make a bet to win, even if you'd rather just take the money and leave it at that - you already do which is good. But if you don't heed the rules of the game at all, the others will not let you play nor want they to play with you - and as cruel as it sounds: either you play the game by the rules or you die. There is really no alternative. The only thing to realize in addition, though, is that only so few of them are really important for the game and the others will tell you, one way or the other, what those are. If you are often called out for getting angry or they get upset far too often because you mess up then you are doing something wrong with the basics - and you should take good care to see what that is and purge it so far that it doesn't constitute a problem anymore.

Given, that somebody who works in that field told me such yesterday cognitive behavioural therapy might be exactly what you need since it is, to paraphrase her, "good for people who have difficulties in controlling their impulses" - it might get you to see where your particular problems of the game lie and how you can get rid of them. Oh and don't get me wrong: given what I've read from you, it's very likely that you are simply worrying about the wrong things when it comes to the social sphere, worry about the right things and you should do just fine. You might even win the game at the end

PS: As for the girlfriend thing: ask yourself why you are really craving for a girl that hard - is it really a girlfriend and not a psychiatrist or simply a good friend you can talk to that you want? Many people (and that includes yours truly) tend to mix that up far too often, and I cannot see this doing justice either to you or the person you are interested in. If you figured that out, then you'll have to take a few bets and not hold on to your cards or your money too tightly...

 

[Ecliptica Wolf]

It seems to me that you just need to chill. As a sufferer of anxiety and depression I can tell you that you have a social anxiety. You constantly worry about if you're good enough for other people, deep down you wonder if you're ever going to be good enough for a girl and that makes you feel like you can't find a girlfriend.

If you think you look creepy then do something to your image, if you're the sort of guy that has a creepy aesthetic because of your hairstyle/clothes/whatever than change it. I'm not saying you have to change it but if it will make you more confident than go for it.

I used to be quite fat but I lost 3 stone at uni (I'm a 2nd year journalism student going into third) and started going to the gym, I have sex with girls at uni and I now feel confident enough to approach girls. I'm not saying you have to start going to the gym or do whatever but this is what I did to help myself and I feel much better about my situation with girls.

The main piece of advice I can give you is that you care TOO MUCH about what others think of you. Yes there are unwritten social rules but why do you worry about them so much. The more you try to unnecessarily please people that don't matter, the more they take advantage of you. If they don't like you. Fuck them. You are who you are and you don't need people telling you who to be, how to be or what you should want. Do what makes you happy, be with who you want to be with and take positive steps to improve your life.

As harsh as it sounds, the world doesn't care about your problems. It's the best piece of advice that I've ever received because it made me realise the only person who was going to change me was me.

 

[Entraboard]

How about you tell us a little about yourself instead of the world you live in?
Do you have any hobbies?
What brings you temporary happiness?
Ever try playing paint ball in costume?
What are your friends in college like?
What were your friends like back in your hometown?

What do you like to do?
Since you mention Media Arts, I'm guessing you enjoy reading and watching movies. Maybe even making your own shorts for poops & giggles. Or writing, since you brought up that you throw in essay writing for good measure. Do you blog or keep a journal*?

Yeah... being a virgin at 22 must really suck. I've only met one person who I knew lost their virginity past their teens (or admitted to it, at least). She was 24 when it happened for her.
I don't know about the laws in your country, and I'm not encouraging illicit activities if such is your case, but in some places prostitution is legal (and in most places it is somewhat tolerated... but know the law). Maybe it's a cultural thing, but a lot of people in my high school were taken to a prostitute by their father (or given money to do so). In a way it was kind of a rite of passage.
But as the old saying goes: "Verbo mata carita. Dinero mata verbo" ("Charismatic-guys trump pretty-guys. Money trumps charisma"). So if you ain't a pretty boy, either become funny and charming or work your ass off to make some nice scratch. Personally, I think dancing trumps all.
Ever seen a good salsa dancer? He'll be broke, fat, ugly and without a shred of personality... but if that lump of clay has moves, he has the ladies attention.
Honestly, nobody knows what women want. Everybody has a theory, and for some it works.

What type of woman do you want?
That could narrow your search. Club rats go to clubs, so you gotta become a club rat yourself. Athletic girls go to gyms and jog, so you gotta jog and work out too. Dark girls go to dark concerts, so you gotta get into that music. Healthy girls like yoga and wholesome good, so do some stretching and visit that farmers' market.
Sharing interests and all that.
This goes back to "What do you like to do?"
If it's writing, join a writing workshop. Share, contribute, and eventually you'll find someone who's interesting. Ask 'em for a cup of coffee or a beer.
If it's movies, go to those screenings that universities offer all the time. I don't know if you smoke, but after the movie smokers always gather and talk about the plot. Chip in with an observation or two. Maybe they all go to a bar afterwards and you come along. The girl in the group says "Yeah, I thought the same thing" and just take it from there.

If this ain't your thing, there is always the online option. Try Ok Cupid or something like that. You'll get turned down, a lot... and they'll you'll figure out that women don't want to read "Hey babe, u r hot. Wnt 2 go out?" but will respond to the guy who comments on her interests, maybe recommends a thing or two they might like and asks questions other than "R u ez?". I never got a girl from that, a couple of dates definetely. A girlfriend... never. But I did make female friends. It's good to have female friends. It'll get you over your discomfort when speaking with women. And they'll invite you to their parties or events, introduce you to their female friends and by saying "Girl, have you met (YOUR NAME HERE)? He's kinda cool and totally not a perv."

Honestly, there are no rules.
Maybe protocols, but not rules.
Just get an etiquette guide to social niceties for the basics. Fill the rest in with your personality.
Everybody likes being greeted properly, smiling helps, memorizing names is key. And if you can remember a small detail, it goes a big way.
Nobody ever said "Jeez, will get you get a load of that guy? He's so polite... what a douche-y jerk".

Sometimes the world does push too damn hard. But hey, it's a small place with lots of people. We gotta figure out how to carve our little corner of the world. How are you pushing back? By the phrasing you chose, I'm guessing it might be in an aggressive or angry manner. Maybe yelling was involved.
My mom always said "El que pierde la voz, pierde la razon" (The one who loses their voice, looses reason).
A lot can be accomplished by just talking. Normally. Never, ever raising your tone. It makes the other person aggressive too. In the end, you just have two idiots screaming at each other instead of two people trying to get their point across.

The world won't love you just because. You gotta give it a reason to.
And if nothing pans out... just breathe. Deeply. It sounds stupid, but it helps. At least it helped me.


Anyways, it's late and I rambled a bit. Hope some of it helps. But seriously, tells us more about yourself.

* Yeah, you totally forgot about the asterix. I didn't. So I'll explain now.
I said journal, and not diary 'cuz diaries are for little girls... MEN WRITE JOURNALS, lol.

 

[Doclector]

So, couple of days later, I started considering online dating. Again. Every time I get lonely I consider it.

I joked about it, and a few of my friends are pushing me to try it.

I don't think it could ever work. There's millions of other men on those things, and nowhere near as much women, why on earth would one of them pick me? They say that I should try, but trying's going to tell me exactly how many women can reject me at once, I don't need that information, especially not right now.

Thing is, I can try to be better. I can try to follow the rules more, not that I'll be very successful, but I can try. Where it really matters to people, in the looks department, I can never be much better. I can lose weight, but it doesn't stop the fact that my facial structure isn't right, and that I'm not tall enough.

I don't get how people don't get upset by rejection. Humans are supposed to be naturally good at attracting people. If you are rejected, you have failed at one of the most basic human functions. I don't get how I'm not supposed to hate myself for that. Last time I was rejected I locked myself away from everyone for almost a year, I was that ashamed that I'd fucked up.

So all evidence suggests I shouldn't fucking bother any more. It's not worth it. The world's not going to stop for me to be upset about things, the world's not going to give a shit, nobody is going to give a shit. If I sink into that particular pit right now, I'll fail uni and they won't give a shit, why would they? After all, the professional world doesn't give a shit. I've heard of jobs driving people to suicide, and the boss never seems to shed a single fucking tear. I don't have time to cope with that shit.

But all the same, it won't leave me the fuck alone. I just wonder if I tried it, would it go away? Would some part of my psyche finally accept that it is never going to happen so I can enjoy the few parts of my life that don't suck?

So yeah, I guess I'm asking whether I should bother with online dating, and if so, what site would I use? I'm not paying for the privilege of getting rejected. I've heard the name "OKcupid" thrown around a lot, but people seem to go around searching for the most useless people on there to make fun of.

snip

First of all, thanks for being one of the few people prepared to admit that being a virgin at 22 is not normal.

My hobbies are videogaming, film watching and making if I get the chance, and reading. I kinda like drawing, but I'm shit at it. I guess those things are what bring me temporary happiness. That and being around friends, but I'm not going to be seeing them for a long time during the summer, and occasionally, alcohol and food, but I don't plan on being an alcoholic, fuck, I couldn't cope with it even if I wanted to, and I can't really afford the kind of food that really makes me happy.

My friends at uni are generally good humoured, if I had to pick one common trait. I seem to have a lot of them, and I'm always confused as to why.

My friends at my hometown however, are dicks. I realised this the first couple of times I came home from uni, and realised that some of them are arrogant tossers who constantly think that everyone finds everything as easy as they do, immature to a point of extreme annoyance, or just plain old fucking leeches. I don't know if something changed while I was gone, or that when I starting living independently, I realised just how shitty they are.

 

[Entraboard]

LOL... again with the rules! I don't know of anybody who got a "Rules and Guidelines to Life" when they were born.
You, like everybody else, will have to make a path in life. Following social conventions helps, but it's not a given.

Stranger, I don't know you, but what I've read in your writing is that you tend to be quite negative (and maybe rightfully so, but that's no excuse).
"I don't think it could ever work...why on earth would one of them pick me?"
You just lost right there. You don't believe in yourself. With an attitude like that, why should anybody pick you? Maybe girls think "Jeez, if I date this guy I'll be as miserable as him". Not saying that you are miserable, but you come off like that in your posts. Focus on your strengths, not your weakness. <---- We'll come back to this.

My grandpa told me this (summarized) story as a kid:
Two twins, identical in every way except one only sees the negative and the other only sees the positive. They are neck high in horse shit.
Negative one thinks "This is shit. It smells bad, it's hot, flies everywhere. This is shit, this is horrible. This is horrible shit. Life is shit."
Positive one thinks "This is shit! Whit all this shit around, there's bound to be an elephant! I love elephants!"
Could be that you are covered in shit and there is no elephant. Hope springs eternal. Maybe you won't find an elephant, maybe you'll find a horse. Half-glass full if you want the super summary.

And also think what poster Chromatic Aberration said... Why do you want a girlfriend?

You'll be rejected in life a lot. Everybody can tell you stories about rejection. You'll be rejected in ways you can't even think of yet. But try and try again. Just don't keep going about it the same way.
Two quote to say what I want in ways I can't:

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

"Why do we fall, sir? So that we might learn to pick ourselves up" - Alfred Pennyworth in Batman Begins
(Hey, don't judge. Find wisdom from where you can... especially Batman).

Go back to what Chromatic Aberration said about the poker. It's a good analogy.
You can also interpret it as "Fake it 'till you make it" if all else fails.

Yeah, I won't pay for online dating either. OkCupid, give it a shot. I've written tons of well thought out letters. Put time and effort into it. If I were to guesstimate, out of ten messages only one will get answered. So let the other nine girls find whatever they are looking for in a guy... if I find one girl who's willing to give me a shot, and that's all I could ask for. And even though this type of rejection is the most personal one, brush it off. Don't take it personally. Different strokes for different folks, ya' know? You aren't Mr. Right for everybody, and not every girl is going to Ms. Right for you too.
Honestly, what do you have to lose? <---- Still the same point, we'll come back to this.

At least you admit there is room for self improvement. Now act on that. If you do lose weight then you might get some confidence. Good stuff happens when you have confidence. And looks aren't everything... really. Confidence and charisma will take you a lot farther than looks ever will. Sure, a little more effort is involved than being naturally pretty, but it pays off. Anything that requires effort pays off eventually. Which leads too...

... Coming back to this: strengths and weaknesseseses.

So you like drawing and suck at it. Take a class or workshop! You might even meet some people you like there.
Practice makes perfect, ya' see?
Practice can make up for any perceived weakness you think you have.
Can't talk to girls? I couldn't either, even if my life depended on it. I shy, tongue tied and awkward to an uncomfortable degree. That was me. I was really weak in that aspect. Notice how it's all in past tense?

My younger brother gave me this advice: "Run drills".
He would chat up every female cashier in the mall. Didn't matter if they were stunningly gorgeous girls at the fancy clothing stores, or the fat slob who seemed like she'd given up on everything but her nails. Make a quip, try a joke, complement her hair style if you think it's interesting. I don't know anybody who doesn't like to not laugh, or smile or hearing something nice about themselves.
Heck, I once lined up half an hour at an airport McDonald's because I wanted to try something out and had time to kill between flights. Patiently waiting until I got to the front of the line. This elderly woman was at the register and asked me "What would you like, sir?"
"I'll take a free smile" I sez.
"Excuse me?" she says in a puzzled manner.
I point to the menu board behind her and say "Yeah, it says FREE SMILES there at the bottom. I'd like to order a smile".
She just looks at me. I bet she thought "Really, dude? REALLY?". Then cracks up. One of those deep-from-the-belly laughs. Smiles at me. I smile back and say "Keep the change". She laughs again.

What did I accomplish with that? Nothing. It was practice. Running drills. Seeing what works and what doesn't. Confidence building exercise if you will.
Maybe I made her day and gave her a good story. It certainly did give me a good story. At some party someone will complain about McDonald's or fast food. Some vegetarian or foodie or whatever. And I'll interrupt their uber-serious spiel by saying "Hey, McD's ain't so bad. Ever asked for a free smile?"
I tell that story, get some laughs. Maybe even attract the eye of lady who thinks "Hey, this guy ain't too bad. Kinda interesting and funny. Let's see what he's about... and if he plays his cards right I'll give him my real phone number when/if he asks for it".

Running drills. Practice. I was so afraid before of approaching women. Made a fool of myself more times than I care to remember. Got embarrassed, felt rejected, like a jerk and an utter failure. But I learned: things that never worked though worked like video games and sci-fi references. Sports for the most part too. I tried to improve: be creative, be original, be honest, be cheerful and/or positive.
But eventually, I got better. I got more confident. Some friends even say good and bestowed the title of "Ultimate Wingman".
Now it's fun... cuz anything that takes an effort is eventually fun, when it becomes effortless.

Practice painting. Visit art exhibits from students in your school. You'll meet people (or maybe get free wine).
Some good might come of it.

Practice film making or host a movie night.
My roommate did that once... he said "we should make a porn night". I thought it was batshit insane and creepy. But he chose classic porns (Debbie Does Dallas) or funny porns (Who's nailin' Palin). It was lighthearted and fun.
Batshit insane and original. Confidence and bold audacity was the key there.
I'm still not cocky enough to ever try to pull a stunt like that. However, I learnt that movie nights can be pretty cool. I thankfully and honestly enjoy some clever girly shows/chick flicks... hosting a Gilmore Girls marathon or Legally Blonde while baking cookies got me lots of cool points back in college after I moved to a new dorm (so thank you, dear roomie, for that idea). But I really do love Gilmore Girls and Legally Blonde. Guy friends would mock me, but when those girls heard my proposal (and that I was a genuine fan when I complained how Lorelai treated Max, and how Rory treated Dean and wanted to find out what happens next)... cool points all around for me. Big win that day. Got invited to a lot more of their parties and bar nights. Eventually met a girl that I really liked and, thank god, liked me too (sci-fi reference as opening line worked here, YAY!). Failed so many times... but I had to start somewhere.
You have to start somewhere too.


How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice.

There are always pretty girls who try their hand at acting and need stuff for their reel. Write something, a good treatment or a solid character and some dialogue. Shop it around by posting it on bulletin boards on campus or wherever kids put their flyers in your school (coffeehouses, bars, outside teachers' offices, etc).
If you know someone from class and have a bit of a repoire- you know, from that day you accidentally dropped your phone in class, leaned over to pick it up and accidentally gave the ol' plumber butt to the hot chick behind you... usually it's embarassing, but running drills has made you quick on your feet and level 8 charisma... you said "Sorry about that... usually I charge for such a spectacular view"... she either rolled her eyes or laughed... if she laughed, there's that repoire. Ask her "I need your help, and I know you are interested in acting. Maybe we can help each other out. I'd like to film this and maybe it's a role that will interest you. Give it a read and lemme know what you think. Maybe it's gold and we can shoot right away, maybe you can add something that you find lacking or a new perspective". See? You are coming across as sincere (you really do want to film), showing interest (because you overheard she's a Drama Major), and genuine curious as to her opinion (by asking her to chip in with her input if she is interested in collaborating). Some good can come of that. Or maybe more rejection. No guarantees. Most likely, it'll fail a lot. You'll learn from that. Least likely: hottest girl in class falls in love with you, wants to give you babies. What could happen with a little bit of luck and lots of confidence: you'll make a cool lady friend who'll invite you to parties and introduce you to her friends. Maybe one who likes sci-fi references. Only one way to find out... and that's by failing enough times that you get better at it. It's worth it in the end.

Your friends? You'll love and hate them all at some point, I believe. But as long as you can remember why you are friends in the first place, keep 'em. Most anybody will tell you making friends is harder as you get older (but not if you have a shirt that says "Ultimate Wingman" written in sharpie... guys also like laughing, smiling and hearing nice things about themselves. A good laugh is a good start to a possible friendship).
You hang out with good humoured people already. I'm assuming that means they are funny.
But your old chums... maybe you don't have that much in common. Maybe it's just the shared experiences growing up that made you friends. They may be annoying, or leeches, or immature... but they must have some redeeming qualities.
Think of that, focus on that. Or think about those shared experiences.

I have a friend who is so late to the point that it makes me really mad... and I don't tend to get mad, not in the huffing and puffing way that guy grinds my gears with his ridiculous tardiness. I started resenting him a lot for how ill considered he is for other people's times. And he kept losing stuff (like his wallet or phone or car keys) so was always short on cash. You know, going to the movies and we miss the showing because the fucker can't get his shit together... and you already paid for his broke-ass movie ticket.
But then I remembered: he's makes me laugh a lot. Few people make me laugh like he does. So I could hate him for being and inconsiderate asshole or love him for making me cry from a bad case of the chuckles. Work around it. If we go to the movies, I'll give him a fake hour or choose a location with many showings or theaters. If I can afford it, I'll spot the cash for ticket AFTER he gets there.
And you know what? When I didn't have the clams to pay for a movie when unemployed, he's treated me to some screenings too. Faith in people sometimes pays offs, and nothing pays off kindness like kindness.

Contemplate it. Think if there is anything worthwhile you still find in your old friends. Maybe some do, so make a little effort there. Maybe some don't, so who needs the dead weight anyways? Let time drift you and those chumps apart.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, I went on too long. I just really enjoy writing; got into a real flow there.

TL;DR? Be more positive and proactive.
Build up your skills and talents, kinda like character progression in an RPG, but IRL.

Maybe some of it is gibberish, maybe some of it is too "folksy wisdsomy" and full of cliche, maybe some of it helps. Maybe you don't read it at all. Eh, no skin off my nose. But if it did help, well... that's pretty cool.

Keep us posted if you do try to improve your drawings or if you got some ideas on stuff to film and want feedback.
Oh, and if stumble upon any good opening lines, share the story.

And breathe. Deeply. Sweetly. It really does help, if just for a bit.

 

[Psykoma]

Some of your arguments:
1. "I don't think it could ever work. There's millions of other men on those things, and nowhere near as much women, why on earth would one of them pick me"
A question each and every one of those millions of other men faced, yet still said "Lets fucking do it!".

2. "Where it really matters to people, in the looks department".
One of the biggest, most self-serving lies around, a simple walk in a crowd proves it wrong.
Not being attractive MAY make it harder to date, but it never reaches impossibility, and with a good personality it has no effect.

3. "Humans are supposed to be naturally good at attracting people"
So, so, soooooooooooo far from the truth. Being rejected is as natural a human act as breathing.

4. "I'm pretty sure it's against our natural patterns to be a virgin at my age (22). I don't want to hear shit about how it's perfectly normal."
No, it's not at all socially normal. But, hi, 25 year old non-asexual virgin here, telling you it's also absolutely NO reason to be so pissy about it.


You spoke about being frustrated by so many implicit "rules".
I'd say the biggest problem you have is with the rules you yourself created, the ones defining what you think a happy human has to follow.

But there isn't a single person on the planet who could be happy if they followed all your rules.


Your problem doesn't sound like your life. As far as the life you've described, it's not too shabby at all.
The way you describe your life however, the very way you look at it, needs to change.

 

[Doclector]

Huge snip

This man. Listen to him. I couldn't agree more on that.

OT: Seriously man, I think you need to change your attitude entirely.
I've tried to read your post to find any positive thing you've said and the only thing you've said is that you have room for improvement, which you sure do, everybody does. It's a matter of taking the time to improve.

I don't post much on this site but I remember seeing you posting a couple times and your attitude seem to be the same every where.

I'll say this bluntly: You are depressing. Seriously depressing.
There's a lot of reasons why someone would never get laid after 22 years, but if you're asking yourself why, don't look any further, you have to change your attitude.
Nobody want to be with someone who'll depress them. I know some people who are ugly, shy and not confident that got laid but never heard a depressing guy getting laid.

The thing is, it's much more easier than you think to be positive. It might take you efforts in the beginning but as soon as you'll enjoy the little things in life, you'll see that things will get better for you.
Everybody have their little tricks to make them happy.
For example, if I feel depressed I tell myself that things could always be worse. Always.

Try to meditate and think about what makes you happy. If the answer is one or two things, or even none, try again, you're not thinking things enough.

Hell I'll even give you an example of how you can see things positively in a situation that suck.

I personally hate having the wash the dishes.
I could focus on the fact that it's a waste of time, that I hate having to get my hands dirty and wet and that I could do something much more exciting than this.
Sounds depressing right ?

How about thinking about the fact that I finally have time for myself, in a warm place. Plus isn't it relaxing to clean shit ? What about putting some music, what about that record you never had the time to listen to.
Sounds much more exciting right ?

Try to apply a similar mindset to everything you do.

Anyway I hope everything will be fine for you.

I try not to let people know that I feel depressed. I already tried being open about that, it never goes well.

I have things that make me happy, like music, games, films and books, but the odds always seem against me in every other aspect of life. It's always uphill, it's never bloody easy. I don't see how I'm supposed to feel good about myself. I've failed thus far at something so basic that literally everyone I know has done it. Sure, I have aspergers syndrome, but that's no bloody excuse. It's basic human interaction and I suck at it, there's no fucking excuse for that.

I just don't see how I'm supposed to be fine about that, or anything else, like not being able to get a job and constantly being judged and treated like shit by people.

It makes me feel so angry and shit.

 

[Entraboard]

Life ain't supposed to be easy. Ask anyone.
And everybody feels judged (because they are being judged... we humans excel at judging others). Ask anyone.
And everybody feels that at some point or another they've been treated like shit. Ask anyone.

And no, people don't like feeling sad. It goes back to life not being easy.
When you feel depressed, it shows and it's tangible. It affects their feelings too.

Look at what tricky-crazy did: he changed his perspective.
Before: "I hate doing dishes".
Now: "I like listening to music, I'll do it while washing the dishes".

He's still doing dishes, getting his hands wet, etc... but instead of focusing on what he didn't like, he's focusing on the good tunes. Instead of looking it as a waste of his time, he looks at it like a moment to relax.

He's still doing dishes. Nothing has changed. Just his outlook, his perspective.

Asperger's... don't know much about that. Lemme wikipedia here for a sec...
... ok. Yeah, social interaction is hard and seems that you have it harder than most. But you are still human, so you'll just have to practice like to rest of us to get better at something. You'll just have to practice more and harder.
And I like your outlook, not using your psychological disorder as an excuse or blaming it as crutch even though you have every right to. Dealing it with it straight on. You should try to use that sort of outlook in other aspects of your life.

You haven't failed. You can't fail, life doesn't work that way. There is no Game Over if you want to relate to someone and didn't achieve what you expected the first time. Or the second time. Or the tenth time. You didn't fail... you just learned that the approach you are using isn't working. Try something else.

Why do you feel so angry?

I don't know about you, but I'm like a two year old sometimes. When I can't understand or comprehend something, I get frustrated. My frustration makes me angry. So it turns out I'm not actually angry, even though I'm emotionally and physically expressing myself in such a manner... I'm actually frustrated at myself because I'm not learning quick enough or there is no answer or humanly-possible comprehension (for example: why do we act like jerks if we have the capacity to be so generous? Pisses me off. But it's one of those things with no right answer... just many, many, many theories in many, many different fields. Best just to breathe deeply and count to ten).

Oh, and the odds are against you... just like the odds are against the rest of us. We are mortal after all, and the odds eventually catch up with everyone you'll ever know.
So don't focus on the fact that you are neck high in shit... focus on the fact that there might be an elephant nearby.*


* This is referencing my grandpa's story from my previous post. Whenever things look like crap in life, I always remind myself "Grandpa grew up in Nazi Germany and eventually made quite a life for himself. If he can do that, I can do anything" and then go out into the world to fail once more... just to remind myself "hey, at least this ain't Nazi Germany. Let's try again. Let's get out of this shit and find my elephant".
Life ain't easy... but at least you too aren't in Nazi Germany.

Again, apologies if I rambled on too long. Just wanted to get my point across... and it seems other want you to understand that point too. It's a matter of perspective. Work on that. Practice. Fail. Learn. The rest will follow.

Now go write that movie treatment that you were gonna show us. Stop dwelling on what you haven't been able to do and show us what you can do. I look forward to future posts by you with movie ideas in them.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Finally there's that old problem again, that some part of me desperately wants a girlfriend, but I cannot hope to attract anyone. I know there's a certain proportion of it that's dumb biology. I'm pretty sure it's against our natural patterns to be a virgin at my age (22).

Sure it's normal. My boyfriend was 23 when we got together and he was a virgin before that.

Is it possible to go batshit insane from simple lack of sex?

No.

And then there's society in general. I always feel like I'm not wanted here, nowhere on this planet. Why am I always the fucker getting out of people's way? Why is it fine for people to push me, but it's fucking world war 3 when I push back?

How are you being pushed?

It's considered normal to tell someone to go away just so they'll come chasing after you.

No, that's not normal. When someone tells you to go away, they want you to go away. If someone tells you to go away when they really want you to chase them, they're fucking mental and not the sort of person you should want to get involved with.

I'm constantly worried about that. I look creepy enough without the attitude to back it up. I'm constantly afraid that if I look at some attractive girl in the street for longer than a few milliseconds, I'll be branded as creepy. I'm afraid that if I talk to a girl without being prior spoken to, I'm being an asshole. Fuck, i'm terrified every time I go to my local preowned game/dvd store, that I'll have to talk to the pretty girl at the counter. when i do, I just look around, pretend to be interested by the posters, for fear of offending someone.

You shouldn't worry about that. No one cares. No one notices that stuff.

That's the thing. There's so many fucking rules, and different sets of rules for friends, partners, coworkers, everything. Eye contact, no eye contact, handshakes, not too loose, not too hard, oh god help you if you let go a millisecond to late or too early, god help you if you say the wrong specific word at any given time, and god help you if you don't say it when you were supposed to. It's fucking insane, and apparently that's how "normal" people are supposed to work. Nobody tells the exact truth, nobody makes anything clear, and if you get something wrong, you're instantly a fucking asshole. I am so fucking sick and tired of coping with it all, all of this fucked up world. I'm sick of asking why and being told "just because".

If someone answers "just because" after being asked why it's because they don't know. If someone is being unclear ask them to clarify. No one notices the length of eye contact, or the firmness of eye contanct. Stop worrying about trivial things.

It just all drives me to the edge, and then all it takes is a little push for me to go apeshit.

You're volatile, and people with anger issues are frightening. That's more likely to be contributing to your lack of success with the opposite sex than poor hand shakes, badly timed glances, misplaced words, not being tall or attractive enough, or any of that crazy jazz.

 

[Angie7F]

Sooo many big walls of text.

Shit happens but its ok. it will work itself out and you will become boring old people.