Relationships vs family

[Lufia Erim]

Well tis the season folks. Family dinners, parties with friends, evenings with loved ones. While it can me a jolly and festive time, it could also be a time of stress and unease.

In this thread today i want to talk about in-laws. Bringing a loved one to a family gathering could be pretty stressful, especially if they feel like they are the odd one out. Sometimes the family does like said person, sometimes the person doesn't like the family. Sometimes they both just don't get along. In a perfect world eceryone would get along, but in reality that's not the case.

So my question is: in the unfortunate case that your family and your significant other don't get along, what do you do .

As a bonus question:

A)have you ever been in a relationship where your bf/gf or whatever didn't get along with your family? Is that a deal breaker for you dispite your feeling?

B) or the opposite, have you ever been in a relationship where you didn't get along with your in-laws? How did that go. Did it affect your relationship.

 

[madwarper]

So my question is: in the unfortunate case that your family and your significant other don't get along, what do you do .

Alcohol. Copious amounts of Alcohol. Apply as needed.

A)have you ever been in a relationship where your bf/gf or whatever didn't get along?
[snip]
B) or the opposite, have you ever been in a relationship where you didn't get along with your in-laws?

Spoiler: No.

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

I have a very simple solution actually to this quandary. I take care of my dad because he'd be lost without someone to do most of the chores and organize his medications. So when an SO is in my life, they have to get along with my dad. Which is easy because he's pretty easy going. He's the only family I keep in close contact with also, as my mom passed and I'm an only child, that means I don't have to put up with annoying siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles. My grandparents all passed away and they're basically the ones who held the families on both sides together. Honestly I think it's better this way, my extended family is shit, with the notable exception of my mom's younger sister.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I imagine it would be a long-term problem. I could discriminate for a while ("I do this with you, I do that with them") but in the long run it would be most unhealthy to everyone. So I'd try my best to patch things up between everybody.

A)have you ever been in a relationship where your bf/gf or whatever didn't get along with your family? Is that a deal breaker for you dispite your feeling?

Never.

B) or the opposite, have you ever been in a relationship where you didn't get along with your in-laws? How did that go. Did it affect your relationship.

I did, and it was annoying, but it didn't affect the relationship at all.

 

[Wary Wolf]

So my question is: in the unfortunate case that your family and your significant other don't get along, what do you do .

With hindsight, I wish I had taken more notice of my family's annoyance with one of my exes. She was, in retrospect, not good for me and it didn't last. So perhaps if I had paid more attention, I could have been saved some heartache. Thank Christ I didn't elope or anything.

Still, that is perhaps a more extreme case. Or is it? I think if friends and family don't like someone there might be good reason for it. They know and want what is best for me.

The opposite can also be true though, my family loved one of my exes and were quite disappointed when we ended it. But that breakup was more a mutual thing. They're pretty happy with my main squeeze now though, which is quite nice. If they didn't though I suppose part of it could be that she comes off as a bit abrasive at times. Honestly if that was an issue though, we'd all have worked through it as adults.

B) or the opposite, have you ever been in a relationship where you didn't get along with your in-laws? How did that go. Did it affect your relationship.

LOL, well on the opposite side of that, my ex's sister got a bit more friendly towards me once that relationship ended. Whilst I thought my ex's family were awesome, I didn't want that, and it just didn't sit right with me. So I just let that sort of drift apart.

 

[stormtrooper9091]

well it's not that they *don't* get along, but there have been tensions which leave me standing in the crossfire. Nothing particularly nasty but it can get stressful

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

So my question is: in the unfortunate case that your family and your significant other don't get along, what do you do.

They're all going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I love who I love and it doesn't even matter really if this person is my SO, because even family members don't get along with other family members sometimes, we learn to deal with those people at get-togethers too.

A)have you ever been in a relationship where your bf/gf or whatever didn't get along with your family? Is that a deal breaker for you despite your feeling?

No I've been fortunate that my family (at least the portion that lives in the same state as me) likes him. Even if they didn't, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker, I love my family dearly and I'm very close with them, despite that, I would still have no issues telling them to screw themselves if they feel the need to impose on my relationship.

That being said, I do at least listen to their concerns (particularly if they reach out to me in private and not loudly across the dinner table), ultimately I go my own way. My family doesn't have issue with whom I'm dating, they see he makes me happy and that's what they care about, but how we conduct ourselves within the relationship, sometimes little things they can be very opinionated about (like who pays the bill when we go out to eat).

B) or the opposite, have you ever been in a relationship where you didn't get along with your in-laws? How did that go. Did it affect your relationship.

I get along okay with my boyfriend's parents, I mean we're not best buddies or anything but they don't dislike me.

 

[Kinokohatake]

My wife is black, my children mixed, and my family, PREEEETY racist. We only show up for big things, don't stay too long and don't really talk to anyone we don't have to. My mom claims she isn't racist, but claims racism is gone. The kind of person that thinks BET shouldn't exist and black people need no special recognition. My dad, well he is voting for Donald Trump so that should explain everything.

 

[Joccaren]

It really does depend, but I'll usually side with my SO over my family.

My family and I have never really gotten on too well. Everyone else is a huge extrovert and either goes out to parties every weekend and hangs out with friends for ages every day [Same age siblings], or does as close to equivalent with their work and lives vicariously through my siblings at home [Parents], and I am a huge introvert that will generally avoid spending time with others, as I'd prefer to just spend it by myself. Family, of course, doesn't understand this and thinks that introversion is just badness and having not grown up and constantly harasses me about my lack of a social life.
They've also viewed gaming as a waste of time for years as I wasn't doing anything productive whilst gaming, like finishing school 3 years early which I could have if I hadn't of actually valued my spare time more than just work, and often take out their frustrations with my sister on me, complaining about the utterly horrid state she leaves the house in by letting her go out to parties and complaining that I didn't spend the whole weekend cleaning up her mess.

So, naturally, if there's a fight between my SO and my family, I'm a lot more inclined to pick my SO, the person I have chosen because they understand me, over the people who have never even tried to. However, I would pick my battles. If I was with a partner that I knew it wasn't going to last with, or whom I was uncertain as to whether it would last and that I'd need my family's support in the future after them, I'd choose the family, or force a compromise. Better to not burn bridges and to keep their support if needed.

Thankfully, my partner is a good one and does understand me, and works with me towards having a successful relationship. We've got our hurdles we need to get over, naturally; she is becoming more extroverted to fit in more with her dream job, whilst I naturally struggle to cope with that, but its something we're working on. If there was a fight between her and my family, I'd choose her, as if a relationship with anyone is going to work out, it is going to be with her.
Thankfully, family gets on really well with her, because she is very polite and kind, so there are no problems there and they'll probably be more annoyed with me if I end up breaking up with her than they'd ever be with her.

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

This really wouldn't be an issue for me.

My family drives me crazy and I do my best to limit my contact with their insane state of mind. Yeah, I'll see them occasionally, but in terms of how they behave or define as a 'good time,' I'm gone before it gets to that level of annoyance.

If in the future I have a significant other that causes unintended and uncalled for conflict, I merely just try to be the adult in the situation and take things as face value. I will always have room to improve, but my family will remain as a constant psychotic force.

 

[Mylinkay Asdara]

Well tis the season folks. Family dinners, parties with friends, evenings with loved ones. While it can me a jolly and festive time, it could also be a time of stress and unease.

In this thread today i want to talk about in-laws. Bringing a loved one to a family gathering could be pretty stressful, especially if they feel like they are the odd one out. Sometimes the family does like said person, sometimes the person doesn't like the family. Sometimes they both just don't get along. In a perfect world eceryone would get along, but in reality that's not the case.

So my question is: in the unfortunate case that your family and your significant other don't get along, what do you do .

As a bonus question:

A)have you ever been in a relationship where your bf/gf or whatever didn't get along with your family? Is that a deal breaker for you dispite your feeling?

B) or the opposite, have you ever been in a relationship where you didn't get along with your in-laws? How did that go. Did it affect your relationship.

To the main question - it depends. If your "significant other" is a boy/girl - friend status, meaning you are dating or you are in a relationship but it isn't "written in stone" so to speak - then not inviting them to a family thing is an option and respecting your permanent family's preference for your company without said other person (who may, at this point still, turn out to be temporary) is not unreasonable.

It's always nice if you can work a compromise or get people to get along better, but if that's impossible, then sometimes the girl/boyfriend might have to be understanding on the point that your family isn't going anywhere.

On the other hand, if the "significant other" is a husband or wife or the relationship is seriously enough that such a transition is in the making (being engaged or very long term togetherness), then it's the family that should be the ones who start understanding that this said other person is going to be a part of YOU as your partner, and thus a bigger part of your life, in the long run, than they are - and if they want to stay involved with you during holidays or other occasions they are going to have to accept that other person as they accept you, or potentially lose contact with you during the holidays as a result.

A) Yes. Deal breaker, no - but I'm not uncomfortable being upfront with either party about what I feel my relationship with them and the other party is or how that effects the other, nor shy about outlining what I feel their respective obligations to me are in terms of respect and proper behavior. Happily I'm no longer in that situation with my current relationship.

B) Possibly. It's always hard to tell if your perception of people's level of liking you or disliking you is accurate, because that isn't something most people are very honest about. If my significant other's family hated me so much that they didn't want me around their family gatherings at any point, there would be problems - mostly because of the hurt that would no doubt cause my significant other trying to balance their affection for both parties.

 

[happyninja42]

My in-laws are fairly easy going, so while we don't have anything really in common, we are civil with each other.

The more stressful event for me will be spending Xmas with my real family. I've basically divorced myself from all of them except my mother, but my brother and father want to see me, and are going to be at my mother's place. Which means, if I want to see her, I have to see them. Since my father is a manipulative, codependent asshole who loves to guilt trip people into doing things for him, and my brother is a severe schizophrenic who has latched onto me as something significant in his life, even though we've hardly seen each other for 20 years because he's always been in mental institutions, I don't forsee the day being all that fun. I might actually pick up a drinking habit just to deal with the two of them.

 

[Tanis]

I am a socially liberal bisexual atheist who has spent of this life living in and around the bible noose/belt.

The VAST majority of my family, be they married in or biological, are neo-con Christians.
-The kind that would probably to WRITE-IN Donald Trump if he's not elected as the GOP nomination.

So...I'd say, yes.
I don't get along with the vast majority of them because they're bigots and bullies.

Yet, they never seem to 'get' why I rarely want to be around them, or refuse to bring around anyone I'm dating.

The ONE time I brought around a significant other that was of the 'wrong race'.
You'd think I just used a family bible to roll a blunt.
The ONE time I brought around a significant other that was of the same-sex as me.
You'd think I'd have taken a the shroud of Turin and used it as a sex toy in-front of them.

So, yeah, this year...
I'm doing my best to avoid them without being as crude, rude, and vulgar as they are.

 

[aba1]

My wife is black, my children mixed, and my family, PREEEETY racist. We only show up for big things, don't stay too long and don't really talk to anyone we don't have to. My mom claims she isn't racist, but claims racism is gone. The kind of person that thinks BET shouldn't exist and black people need no special recognition. My dad, well he is voting for Donald Trump so that should explain everything.

I dunno I get where your mom is coming from. I don't think racism is dead for obvious reasons but I do think things like BET and other special recognition shouldn't necessarily exist either. Personally I think they only serve to further push the idea that black people are different and by extension we should treat them differently. Whether that be good or bad the point is it does push for racist attitudes.

Personally I don't think racism will ever really start to disappear until we as a society let go of the concept of race both for the purposes of good and bad. Sure it would be dumb to pretend that others don't do the whole race thing but why participate in it yourself when it only serves to create segregated mind sets.


OT: My SO lives on the other side of the continent and in another country so we only get to see each other on and off. She was up here last march though and my family all liked her actually my sister liked her a lot more than my ex so that was kinda nice. Apparently she was really worried my family was going to be racist (shes "black"/ native american and we are "white") but obviously nobody gave a shit (it's Canada everyone is from everywhere and nobody gives a shit). Now it's my turn this Christmas to be there so it should be interesting to see how her parents feel about me.

 

[JemothSkarii]

Well, I didn't get along with my first GF's dad, he was very protective of her, a high school teacher and kinda overbearing (she didn't get an A? Grounded. To add to it, she was half Asian so the stereotype was kind of there. Though he was the caucasian parent).

My last GF our families got along very well. Kind of nice. However, when the relationship fell through I had to cut off her family.

Which was a real shame; if I didn't have to deal with/see her I would have happily hung out with them. Her brother and I got on pretty well, and one of their cats would only listen to me.
Plus they had a great Labrador.

A shame.

But the questions: No, my family has never had any problems with my SO's family. I've basically answered them already.
Not that I'll really have to worry for a while. Being single is really quite nice.

 

[Spider RedNight]

I'm single but I don't get along with my sisters boyfriend which I think is bad because I think they're gonna be together for a long time so I just treat him like everyone else outside of family: I spend a little time with him then just go be by myself and say "I'm burnt out and need to take a break". Then again, that's how I am with lots of family reunions anyway.

IN ANY CASE, if that happens, just grin and bear it uncomfortably because sometimes the person involved doesn't care if their SO doesn't get along with everyone and instead she'll decide to jump down YOUR throat and say that YOU'RE the one being obtuse when he keeps doing annoying shit that everyone knows bothers you-- I mean, what? What were we talking about?

 

[Cryselle]

While I'm fortunate that the person I married gets along with my family very well, and I get along with theirs, that wasn't always true in the past. I dated a woman for a while whose parents were very religious and VERY unhappy that their daughter brought home another woman. Ultimately, they refused to believe we were dating (referred to me as their daughter's friend, and tried constantly to hook her up with a guy they knew), which made things pretty uncomfortable. I simply didn't do holidays with them.

At this point, everyone in my life is a grown adult, and we can talk over our concerns like adults. We could agree to do multiple things for a holiday, or we could agree to just be polite and not offer opinions for the length of a meal, or any number of things to get through the holiday with a minimum of fuss. I think the key is to discuss things with the people involved beforehand, so nobody is surprised.

 

[Lufia Erim]

While I'm fortunate that the person I married gets along with my family very well, and I get along with theirs, that wasn't always true in the past. I dated a woman for a while whose parents were very religious and VERY unhappy that their daughter brought home another woman. Ultimately, they refused to believe we were dating (referred to me as their daughter's friend, and tried constantly to hook her up with a guy they knew), which made things pretty uncomfortable. I simply didn't do holidays with them.

At this point, everyone in my life is a grown adult, and we can talk over our concerns like adults. We could agree to do multiple things for a holiday, or we could agree to just be polite and not offer opinions for the length of a meal, or any number of things to get through the holiday with a minimum of fuss. I think the key is to discuss things with the people involved beforehand, so nobody is surprised.

Mature adults? I honestly thought that was a myth. At least all the adults i know ( including my family) are of the , "i have an opinion and will share it regardless of if you want to hear it or not " camp