Relationships... why are they so hard?

[Mandalore_15]

This is going to be kind of a long rant about a relationship problem I'm currently having. If you care, please read and offer any advice you would like to. If not, feel free to skip right past:

Spoiler

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now. We've had our ups and downs, but at the moment we seem to be on a down that is in danger of topping them all.

She moved into my house with me about a month ago. It's a pretty big place, nice new building. Area could be a bit nicer but it's not really a problem, it's basically a nice new street development in the middle of a bit of a ghetto, but not so bad that you're in fear of being mugged when you go out or anything.

Well, when she first moved in she was very excited about it being "our" house. She said she wants to feel like she has a sense of belonging somewhere, which I perfectly understand. However, she immediately came in and wanted to tear down all my posters and move about everything in my room, which is where I've lived for 3 years... well, initially I was a bit resistant to this (my personality type does not respond well to change), and I told her there might be a bit of an adjustment period for me to get used to it all. Well, she didn't take that very well and started crying, saying that I was unprepared to "sacrifice for the relationship". I felt a bit hard done by but I let it go.

Anyway, we moved on and put it behind us. Things were getting better and we started rearranging things and everything. However, she's recently been going through a tough time with job rejections, and has now decided that there's no point in rearranging stuff and she wants us both to move out altogether. She says she doesn't feel like she "belongs" here, because:

1. I've lived here and have a fair bit of stuff.

2. My parents (who tbh are a bit tactless) treat it like their own place when they come over and clean/tidy, and go into our room without permission. Basically, she feels like her boundaries are not being respected because they view it as just my place, not hers as well.

Now, I'd quite like to be able to uproot and move somewhere else, but the fact of the matter is that would be very financially difficult. If I were to move close by then my mortgage would skyrocket and I would be in a much worse position than before. Also, I can't help but feel she's being unfair, as this house is so much nicer than most couples' first places and I honestly think she should be grateful for that. However, she's just so sour on the whole thing that I'm really suffering for it.

However, to make matters worse I've recently been diagnosed with clinical depression and have been described antidepressants. However, I think she is exhibiting a lot of depressive tendencies as well, but she always avoids talking about it (and besides, I'm not sure it would be good if we both started taking pills at the same time). I think she is probably externalising her unhappiness onto one thing, when really it's something more deep-rooted. However, I guess I'll never know because whenever I try to talk to her about it she just clams up.

Anyways, have you guys ever experienced anything like this? Do you have any advice?

So... why are relationships so hard? Examples please!

 

[Daystar Clarion]

Relationships aren't hard.

At least, not in my experience.

I've been with the same girl since I was 15 (I'm now 23), and honestly, it's not hard.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but if you mesh with someone, it isn't really hard.


I think the great thing about my relationship is our versatility. We both have each other's weaknesses covered. She's shy, I'm not. She's a very emotional debater, while I rely very much on logic and impartiality. She's a realist, I'm a dreamer.

We're like a well coordinated Pokemon double team.

 

[Irridium]

Um, they're hard because of the reasons you described. Both parties have to sacrifice quite a bit to be together. Doesn't matter if what's sacrificed is physical, emotional, or anything really.

As for your issue, re-decorate, and have her choose what she wants. Then talk to your parents about this, so next time they come over they don't go everywhere and make things more difficult for her.

And be supportive. This means you should NEVER say that she should "just be grateful", because that will make things far worse. It's obvious that the current situation is not doing it for her, so you need to change it as best as you can.

 

[BonsaiK]

Bottom line - it's your house. As much as she would like it to be hers, legally, it is not. I let girls into my house all the time but I never let them feel like they own the place if I'm the one paying for it! I'd get her out of your house quicksmart, your relationship will improve drastically when she's not living with you. Or it will die completely. Either is a better option than where you're at now.

 

[emeraldrafael]

Because nothing worth while is ever easy to obtain.

As long as at the end of the day, no matter how much you struggled and fought, you can still smile and ask the other how their day was, then you're doing fine.

 

[AMMO Kid]

You live together. That's the problem. There is no proof that living with someone outside of a committed relationship has ever done anyone any good whatsoever. You pretty much screwed yourself over on that one.

But hey... What would I know. I don't have a girlfriend, I just hear these things from other people.

 

[Loner Jo Jo]

You know how your mom and dad and any siblings you might have manage to piss you off more than anyone else on the entire planet, but yet you also love them more than anyone else on the planet? That's because you're close. That sort of closeness that comes with long term relationships regardless of type be it familial, platonic or romantic comes with the downside that you've known each other for so long. Tiny problems become big problems. Seemingly small fights have a lot more meaning behind them. There is a long history of slights (intentional or not) that build up over the years. That and because you know each other so well, if you wanted to know, you know what pisses them off to no end.

Now, I realize there are exceptions to this idea, but you know how you stick with family through thick and thin despite this? How at the end of the day, you still love them with all your heart and nothing, barring something extreme, can change that? It's because you're family. There will always be a connection between you two, regardless of whatever problems crop this. This is the crucial difference between family and lovers.

The only basis for a romantic relationship is love and perhaps loyalty. No other connection like blood binds you to that person. Emotions are fickle, so romantic relationships take even more work to keep them running somewhat smoothly. What you can forgive a family member for may not be so easy to forgive from a lover. At the end of the day, your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever is just some person who happened to waltz into your life, for better or worse, and they can just as easily waltz out.

This is just my theory, and I will admit, I'm big on family and very cynical towards romantic love. Also, I don't believe in fate, so there are no cosmic bonds in my equations that could repair any fight, blah blah blah. As for your situation, I cannot offer you any advice because there is 3 years of history I don't know. All I say is that I wish you two the best of luck.

 

[dark-mortality]

The only tips I really can give is, Stay where you live now, And try to make her open up to you.

I am sorry to say this (Really, I am, it's making me sad that i'm really thinking like this), But if your relationship continues the way it is going with her being depressing, a bit selfish, and unresponsive towards someone who obviously loves her and someone she can trust, then I am afraid you have to let her go, or practically force her into therapy.

I know, I know, I am an unfeeling bastard who even thinks like this, but honestly, I would give therapy a chance before I declared a relationship as 'broken'.

I'm sorry T_T

 

[StBishop]

Problems:

1. I've lived here and have a fair bit of stuff.

2. My parents (who tbh are a bit tactless) treat it like their own place when they come over and clean/tidy, and go into our room without permission. Basically, she feels like her boundaries are not being respected because they view it as just my place, not hers as well.

Solutions:

Presolution: Sit her down and say this (approximately): I think you're upset and I feel like I haven't done everything in my power to fix it, I want to so here are some ideas for how to make you feel like we live here together rather than you live in my house."

1. With her you rearrange all of your shit (deal with it, I hate change too, it upsets me, I still rearrange our flat annually with my girlfriend, it makes her happy and it's not bad because it leads to cleaning places that would have been left dirty otherwise)
You don't need to buy new stuff, but you should try to put all of your stuff (collective not singular) into a big pile and call it "our stuff" then you put everything in a "home" (place whatever).

Once this is done she may feel better, if not you deal with it together in a different way.

2. Tell your parent the problem, if they don't understand/listen, change the locks and don't give them a key.

Seriously dude, how important is this relationship to you? If you want to make sure you still know what belongs to who "just in case", and you find yourself less happy with her than single then maybe it's time to let her go.
If not then fucking do something about it. Make her realise you're trying to fix shit and make it work.

 

[Mandalore_15]

Relationships aren't hard.

At least, not in my experience...

I think the great thing about my relationship is our versatility. We both have each other's weaknesses covered. She's shy, I'm not. She's a very emotional debater, while I rely very much on logic and impartiality. She's a realist, I'm a dreamer.

I guess you guys are quite lucky then. Me and my girlfriend are very similar in some ways, which I think can be a cause for friction.

And be supportive. This means you should NEVER say that she should "just be grateful", because that will make things far worse. It's obvious that the current situation is not doing it for her, so you need to change it as best as you can.

I get what you're saying but do you not think the door should swing both ways? I don't really want to be tied here either but that's the way it is. I'm trying to change as much as possible but at the end of the day I thought that maybe, y'know... just being with me should be enough for her?

Bottom line - it's your house. As much as she would like it to be hers, legally, it is not. I let girls into my house all the time but I never let them feel like they own the place if I'm the one paying for it! I'd get her out of your house quicksmart, your relationship will improve drastically when she's not living with you. Or it will die completely. Either is a better option than where you're at now.

Our relationship dying doesn't seem better to me... Besides, I have no problem with it being her house too, it's her that doesn't feel like it is.

Also, take it from a lawyer: law and relationships don't mix!

You live together. That's the problem. There is no proof that living with someone outside of a committed relationship has ever done anyone any good whatsoever. You pretty much screwed yourself over on that one.

Umm, we're in a committed relationship?

 

[Daystar Clarion]

You know how your mom and dad and any siblings you might have manage to piss you off more than anyone else on the entire planet, but yet you also love them more than anyone else on the planet? That's because you're close. That sort of closeness that comes with long term relationships regardless of type be it familial, platonic or romantic comes with the downside that you've known each other for so long. Tiny problems become big problems. Seemingly small fights have a lot more meaning behind them. There is a long history of slights (intentional or not) that build up over the years. That and because you know each other so well, if you wanted to know, you know what pisses them off to no end.

Now, I realize there are exceptions to this idea, but you know how you stick with family through thick and thin despite this? How at the end of the day, you still love them with all your heart and nothing, barring something extreme, can change that? It's because you're family. There will always be a connection between you two, regardless of whatever problems crop this. This is the crucial difference between family and lovers.

The only basis for a romantic relationship is love and perhaps loyalty. No other connection like blood binds you to that person. Emotions are fickle, so romantic relationships take even more work to keep them running somewhat smoothly. What you can forgive a family member for may not be so easy to forgive from a lover. At the end of the day, your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever is just some person who happened to waltz into your life, for better or worse, and they can just as easily waltz out.

This is just my theory, and I will admit, I'm big on family and very cynical towards romantic love. Also, I don't believe in fate, so there are no cosmic bonds in my equations that could repair any fight, blah blah blah. As for your situation, I cannot offer you any advice because there is 3 years of history I don't know. All I say is that I wish you two the best of luck.

I don't know about that. While I do agree with the whole family ties thing, that doesn't mean lovers can't have just as strong a relationship.

My fiancee is also my best friend, she knows all my quirks, my dislikes, the only person who truly knows and understands the very depths of my soul. She's my soul mate (damn, thats sounds cheesey).

The only person on the planet I would die for.

 

[Seives-Sliver]

Well it depends on your definition of 'hard' I had a relationship with a girl a few years back, it was alright, she and I were attracted to one another and we seemed to be in love. She dumped me though, and that was when the relationship got hard because apparently she thought playing WoW was devil worship, even though she didn't tell me, her dad didn't like me apparently, and she thought I was abusive to her friends, to which all was completely bull. The relationship wasn't hard for me, but it was for her apparently, and the fact she never talked about it, even though I kept trying to talk to her made it all the more difficult.

back to my original point, which I will elaborate on right now, relationships aren't 'hard' by any means, it shouldn't be difficult on you, or the other person, and just because you are with someone doesn't mean you should treat them any differently really, as long as you are still friends and whatnot. As to everything else, tell your parents they make her feel uncomfortable when they ignore boundries, you need to calmly, but firmly tell your girlfriend how difficult it would be to move, and you won't be able to at this moment, and as for personal knicknacks, store them in your man cave, and lastly, it is your home in the first place, and noone should make you move out of it, you paid for it, you own it, and at the end of the day, your decision should make you feel good, wether it is to stay or leave, don't let others influence you into doing something you may regret later.

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

It's not relationships that are hard, it's LIFE that's hard. No matter how hard you try, sometimes you will screw up, sometimes the people around you will screw up, and sometimes shit will just go wrong for no reason. But what matters is that if something means enough to you you will stick with it no matter how hard it gets.

The problems you've just listed actually have quite straight forward solutions:

Problem 1: Buy her some stuff for the house. It doesn't have to be a hugely expensive shopping spree, just a few nice things that will allow her to feel like she has more of a presence there. It's also just a nice gesture that shows her that you care.

Problem 2: Talk to your parents. Chances are they don't realise the effect they are having and won't be offended if you just bring it up. These things just get worse when people keep their mouths shut because they're scared of causing a row. Tell them that your girlfriend is having a rough time adjusting to the current situation and them giving you two some space for a while will help. So long as you phrase it like that rather than come out all aggressive I'm sure they'll understand

Problem 3: (btw I'm sorry to hear you've been diagnosed with depression. I'm bi-polar myself) Talk to your girlfriend about how she's feeling. Whether or not she has a medical issue it's obvious that she's stressed about something. Don't badger her but let her know you care and whatever it is she can talk to you about it if and when she feels like talking. Again, just you showing that you care enough to ask, and are prepared to be there for her even if she won't tell you what it is will probably go some way towards making her feel better.

 

[Irridium]

I get what you're saying but do you not think the door should swing both ways? I don't really want to be tied here either but that's the way it is. I'm trying to change as much as possible but at the end of the day I thought that maybe, y'know... just being with me should be enough for her?

Sometimes you just got to suck it up and do what's best for the one you love.

 

[Loner Jo Jo]

I don't know about that. While I do agree with the whole family ties thing, that doesn't mean lovers can't have just as strong a relationship.

My fiancee is also my best friend, she knows all my quirks, my dislikes, the only person who truly knows and understands the very depths of my soul. She's my soul mate (damn, thats sounds cheesey).

The only person on the planet I would die for.

Oh, I understand. Obviously, some people do have very strong relationships. One of my best friends has been in a relationship for over 4 years now and they're getting married next fall. I'm not saying it's impossible, just difficult. You have to be cognizant of the other person always, and that gets tiring after a while. That kind of wear and tear that just comes to two people interacting with each other for a while. I'm only saying that when the only basis for your relationship is an emotion, then that foundation can crack easily. Your family will never stop being your family. You can stop loving your lover.

My parents have been married 23 years, and they should have gotten a divorce 15 years ago. They don't love each other anymore, but the reason they stay together is because they love my sister and me. (That and my mother no longer can afford to divorce my father since she was laid off.) Had they never had children, I can promise you they would have been long divorced by now. For a lot of people, there has to be a connection aside from undying love for a relationship to last.

Also, I admit, I've never felt that kind of powerful connection within the confines of a romantic relationship. I may be singing another tune once I do.

 

[ace_of_something]

Because you have to start putting someone else ahead of yourself all the time. Both of you. If you both don't do it... well...

 

[Sniper Team 4]

I've often heard that, when people finally do move in together, they suddenly see a completely different side to one another. There are habits you have that your partner will never see until they move in, and likewise you will never see their habits. This can destroy many relationships because it's suddenly like meeting a whole new person. For instance, I'm willing to be your girlfriend never complained about your posters in all the time you've know her. The thought probably never crossed your mind that she didn't like them. Now that she has to look at them constantly though, she's voicing her opinion and it feels like it's coming out of left field. Compromise and communication are going to be key if you want to save this relationship. Say you're not throwing your posters away, but you'll take down a few--or a lot--and move the rest into a separate room.
My room is covered with Star Wars stuff, and to a much less extent, video game stuff. When I get my own place, all that stuff is going in one room and I will make it clear that it is my room and thus cannot be messed with. In return, she can have her way about something else--unless she likes the stuff as much as I do, but I've yet to meet a girl like that.

As for your parents, it's time to draw a line in the sand. If what they are doing is bothering you, kindly explain that it is your place, not theirs, and you and your girlfriend do not want them running around like that. You must include yourself, because if you just say her, then they're going to keep doing it. They believe they are helping, and if you say that it's bothering her, then they're going to think she's being unreasonable and things will get worse. If you include yourself, then they realize that perhaps they are being a bit too busy-body and will back off.
And never let her play the "sacrifice" card again. If she does, have a list ready of the things you have given up or how you are being as helpful as you can. For example, letting her live in your house.

 

[spartan231490]

This is going to be kind of a long rant about a relationship problem I'm currently having. If you care, please read and offer any advice you would like to. If not, feel free to skip right past:

Spoiler

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now. We've had our ups and downs, but at the moment we seem to be on a down that is in danger of topping them all.

She moved into my house with me about a month ago. It's a pretty big place, nice new building. Area could be a bit nicer but it's not really a problem, it's basically a nice new street development in the middle of a bit of a ghetto, but not so bad that you're in fear of being mugged when you go out or anything.

Well, when she first moved in she was very excited about it being "our" house. She said she wants to feel like she has a sense of belonging somewhere, which I perfectly understand. However, she immediately came in and wanted to tear down all my posters and move about everything in my room, which is where I've lived for 3 years... well, initially I was a bit resistant to this (my personality type does not respond well to change), and I told her there might be a bit of an adjustment period for me to get used to it all. Well, she didn't take that very well and started crying, saying that I was unprepared to "sacrifice for the relationship". I felt a bit hard done by but I let it go.

Anyway, we moved on and put it behind us. Things were getting better and we started rearranging things and everything. However, she's recently been going through a tough time with job rejections, and has now decided that there's no point in rearranging stuff and she wants us both to move out altogether. She says she doesn't feel like she "belongs" here, because:

1. I've lived here and have a fair bit of stuff.

2. My parents (who tbh are a bit tactless) treat it like their own place when they come over and clean/tidy, and go into our room without permission. Basically, she feels like her boundaries are not being respected because they view it as just my place, not hers as well.

Now, I'd quite like to be able to uproot and move somewhere else, but the fact of the matter is that would be very financially difficult. If I were to move close by then my mortgage would skyrocket and I would be in a much worse position than before. Also, I can't help but feel she's being unfair, as this house is so much nicer than most couples' first places and I honestly think she should be grateful for that. However, she's just so sour on the whole thing that I'm really suffering for it.

However, to make matters worse I've recently been diagnosed with clinical depression and have been described antidepressants. However, I think she is exhibiting a lot of depressive tendencies as well, but she always avoids talking about it (and besides, I'm not sure it would be good if we both started taking pills at the same time). I think she is probably externalising her unhappiness onto one thing, when really it's something more deep-rooted. However, I guess I'll never know because whenever I try to talk to her about it she just clams up.

Anyways, have you guys ever experienced anything like this? Do you have any advice?

So... why are relationships so hard? Examples please!

Ok, explain to her that you can't afford a new place, but compromise. That place is your place, and it needs to become "your" plural, place. So, don't just rearange furniture and posters, that's not enough. Remodel. New paint, new "window treatments" and if you can, even switch the layout and move the "bedroom" to another room. That will give the old place, a new feel, and it shows her that you're willing to sacrifice your comfort for hers. Also, since you are together as you design the "new" place, then it will really become "your" place, plural.

Also, if you're having trouble getting her to open up, it might help if you open up first. Trust begets trust. You might not have anything like that, but if you can, share something with her that you never have before, especially something that makes you feel sad and depressed. It will make her more willing to trust you with what she's feeling. The more recent the better.

As to why relationships are so hard, it's pretty simple. No two people are perfectly alike, and it's hard for two people, no matter how similar, to completely understand each-other easily. Add to that the fact that a human beings natural response to stress and fear and anger is to close off and lash out. It's not surprising that when you shove 2 people together for extended periods, they end up hurting one another occasionally. The trick, as I see it, is to recognize when you are acting irrationally, and control the desire to lash out and hurt your partner. No good comes from it. If you stay calm, and take whatever insults or injury they send at you as just being said out of anger, then at least you won't make it any worse. It won't always work, but it's the only thing that gives you a chance of understanding them before you hurt them. That's my take anyway.

Hope that helps.

 

[Amberella]

Both people in the relationship have to work together to make it successful.

The partner and I have been together for almost 3 years and we've had some ups and downs, but we worked through our differences. We love each other endlessly and are willing to sacrifice some things for each other. But not only are we lovers but we're best friends as well. I know I can go to him and have a meaningful deep conversation and vice versa. He's my soul mate.

Now onto your problem. I understand you don't like change or don't adapt to it well, but deciding to have your girlfriend move in is a big step and you're going to have to do some changes. It just comes with it. I personally think you need to have a talk with your parents about them just coming in and going through your stuff/cleaning everything. Your girlfriend is probably having a lot of emotional turmoil inside. Not only did she move into a new place, but she doesn't feel like she belongs there or is noticed/welcome. Talk to her and actually do some little changes to make her feel welcome. Buy some things around the house for her. You don't need to spend a lot but little things might actually help.

 

[spartan231490]

snip

And be supportive. This means you should NEVER say that she should "just be grateful", because that will make things far worse. It's obvious that the current situation is not doing it for her, so you need to change it as best as you can.

I get what you're saying but do you not think the door should swing both ways? I don't really want to be tied here either but that's the way it is. I'm trying to change as much as possible but at the end of the day I thought that maybe, y'know... just being with me should be enough for her?


snip

Of course it shouldn't be enough for her. If living with you makes her uncomfortable because you're unyeilding, then being with you isn't a reward. "Being with you" isn't some prize that you're giving her, it's something that the two of you share, it's benifit is equal to you and her, so it doesn't even the scale at all.

He's not saying that you should make all the sacrifices, but he's saying that you can't just say: "be grateful ***** cuz you get to stay with me! I'M FUCKING AWESOME!!" I very much hope I'm exaggerating, but that's kinda what you're saying. You're saying that living with you is some kind of gift that makes up for what you aren't willing to give her. It's not. if that's what you're thinking, then stop. The current situation isn't working for her, you need to change the situation. You don't necessarily even need to sacrifice more, you just need to sacrifice the right things. You need to make it her place too, not your place with some of her parts. She lives there, if that's the level you want the relationship to be at, you have to let her have equal say over everything about it. It doesn't matter that you're paying the rent. A committed relationship of that level needs to be based on equality. Therefore, it's not ok for you to sacrifice everything, but it's not ok for you to sacrifice nothing.

and remember, she is going to value things differently than you. Say video games. You might love it, while she only likes it, or hates it, or maybe it even bothers her a little when you spend time on games and not her. But playing gives you more value than it takes from her, so sacrificing it would be huge for you, but letting you play is small for her. That is the problem. You are counting score at even, but she's playing a different game, and you're winning. Honestly, this isn't going to work between you unless you have an open discussion about what she wants and what she needs, and the same for you. If you can't get her to open up, you should probably give up on it now.