Relationships... why are they so hard?

[Simeon Ivanov]

Well I have 0% experience in relationships but I don't think you should move out. It sounds like you already have a nice place. Try and talk to her to reach a mutual highground (You stay where you are and she doesn't complain)

 

[Doclector]

Because humanity, female, male, or otherwise, knows no such thing as logic. You say a nice thing, someone gets pissed off, you say a bad thing, someone likes it, and there are a thousand different ways for that example to be scrambled up and it'd still have happened to someone at some point, we're all expected to know the unwritten rules, when even the person who expects such a thing doesn't really know what they are. Among humans, although they will say otherwise, there is no such thing as sane, only conventional madness.

 

[natster43]

Sorry. I wouldn't know, I never have had a relationship. Welp, there is y contribution to this.

 

[TheXRatedDodo]

Because people expect relationships to be complex co-dependancies fraught with mindgames, expectation and obligation when the best relationships are deep, deep friendships and bonds of the soul.

 

[Digitaldreamer7]

All this "put someone else above yourself" bullshit is just that. If you can't be happy you can't make someone else happy. If you have nicely put what you want into words it's time to be frank with her. Something along the lines of "unless you find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you should probably get comfortable here" should do it. Be firm and let her know exactly how you feel. The time for mincing words is over. Sit down, show her your budget, show her what you make and what you can and can't afford. If she doesn't like it, she can get out and go live somewhere she can call her own. As far as decorating goes, give her a room or two that she can decorate with her stuff but make it clear to her that she get's only those spaces. Pick a space that's yours and you do the same. Then there should be some communal areas that can have a touch of both i.e. living room or bedroom. It's about sharing space, but it's also about keeping your own identity.

It really sounds like she's not going to be happy unless she gets her way, which, in that case, you shouldn't be dating a child.

 

[Jadak]

They're not hard, maybe you're in the wrong one?

 

[YourMom]

Relationships are hard because [Insert dick joke here]

Don't worry, it's only because us humans will always find away to hate one another.

 

[aei_haruko]

This is going to be kind of a long rant about a relationship problem I'm currently having. If you care, please read and offer any advice you would like to. If not, feel free to skip right past:

Spoiler

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now. We've had our ups and downs, but at the moment we seem to be on a down that is in danger of topping them all.

She moved into my house with me about a month ago. It's a pretty big place, nice new building. Area could be a bit nicer but it's not really a problem, it's basically a nice new street development in the middle of a bit of a ghetto, but not so bad that you're in fear of being mugged when you go out or anything.

Well, when she first moved in she was very excited about it being "our" house. She said she wants to feel like she has a sense of belonging somewhere, which I perfectly understand. However, she immediately came in and wanted to tear down all my posters and move about everything in my room, which is where I've lived for 3 years... well, initially I was a bit resistant to this (my personality type does not respond well to change), and I told her there might be a bit of an adjustment period for me to get used to it all. Well, she didn't take that very well and started crying, saying that I was unprepared to "sacrifice for the relationship". I felt a bit hard done by but I let it go.

Anyway, we moved on and put it behind us. Things were getting better and we started rearranging things and everything. However, she's recently been going through a tough time with job rejections, and has now decided that there's no point in rearranging stuff and she wants us both to move out altogether. She says she doesn't feel like she "belongs" here, because:

1. I've lived here and have a fair bit of stuff.

2. My parents (who tbh are a bit tactless) treat it like their own place when they come over and clean/tidy, and go into our room without permission. Basically, she feels like her boundaries are not being respected because they view it as just my place, not hers as well.

Now, I'd quite like to be able to uproot and move somewhere else, but the fact of the matter is that would be very financially difficult. If I were to move close by then my mortgage would skyrocket and I would be in a much worse position than before. Also, I can't help but feel she's being unfair, as this house is so much nicer than most couples' first places and I honestly think she should be grateful for that. However, she's just so sour on the whole thing that I'm really suffering for it.

However, to make matters worse I've recently been diagnosed with clinical depression and have been described antidepressants. However, I think she is exhibiting a lot of depressive tendencies as well, but she always avoids talking about it (and besides, I'm not sure it would be good if we both started taking pills at the same time). I think she is probably externalising her unhappiness onto one thing, when really it's something more deep-rooted. However, I guess I'll never know because whenever I try to talk to her about it she just clams up.

Anyways, have you guys ever experienced anything like this? Do you have any advice?

So... why are relationships so hard? Examples please!

Talk with her about it, if it bothers you, just ask her to maybe let you live where you live. If you love her then you'll be willing to tell her your problems, and heck, maybe you 2 just need to go someplace, and then just have a relaxing evening. just saying, ask her if she'll maybe be willing to understand

 

[Viral_Lola]

Relationships are hard but nothing in life worth having comes easy. You have to ask yourself "is it worth it to you?"

 

[Android2137]

Problems:

1. I've lived here and have a fair bit of stuff.

2. My parents (who tbh are a bit tactless) treat it like their own place when they come over and clean/tidy, and go into our room without permission. Basically, she feels like her boundaries are not being respected because they view it as just my place, not hers as well.

Solutions:

Presolution: Sit her down and say this (approximately): I think you're upset and I feel like I haven't done everything in my power to fix it, I want to so here are some ideas for how to make you feel like we live here together rather than you live in my house."

1. With her you rearrange all of your shit (deal with it, I hate change too, it upsets me, I still rearrange our flat annually with my girlfriend, it makes her happy and it's not bad because it leads to cleaning places that would have been left dirty otherwise)
You don't need to buy new stuff, but you should try to put all of your stuff (collective not singular) into a big pile and call it "our stuff" then you put everything in a "home" (place whatever).

Once this is done she may feel better, if not you deal with it together in a different way.

2. Tell your parent the problem, if they don't understand/listen, change the locks and don't give them a key.

Seriously dude, how important is this relationship to you? If you want to make sure you still know what belongs to who "just in case", and you find yourself less happy with her than single then maybe it's time to let her go.
If not then fucking do something about it. Make her realise you're trying to fix shit and make it work.

I agree with this completely, but I'd also like to add a few things. You need to explain that moving out really isn't an option at this point in time due to the mortgage reasons you listed. Also, tell her not to give up and keep at trying to find a job because she's hardly the only one having problems right now. One thing I always tell myself that somehow makes me feel better afterward is "Yeah, I know my life sucks right now, but it doesn't suck nearly as bad as some other people's. And a lot of THOSE people have overcome their suckier lives and come out stronger because of it. So if they're able to survive such troubles, surely I can survive mine!"

 

[Flailing Escapist]

Usually because you find the woman you are dating to a complete babe but don't worry its completely natural for most guys to get an erecti-
*Reads more than the title*
- Oh... I'm just going to keep this short and sweet: relationships are so hard to make it "worth it". If everything was handed to you on a silver platter you wouldn't have to fight for anything and you probably wouldn't love your girl so much.

I don't really have any examples tho, sorry.

 

[Maxtro]

Because women are evil. Seriously.

 

[Mandalore_15]

snip

And be supportive. This means you should NEVER say that she should "just be grateful", because that will make things far worse. It's obvious that the current situation is not doing it for her, so you need to change it as best as you can.

I get what you're saying but do you not think the door should swing both ways? I don't really want to be tied here either but that's the way it is. I'm trying to change as much as possible but at the end of the day I thought that maybe, y'know... just being with me should be enough for her?


snip

Of course it shouldn't be enough for her. If living with you makes her uncomfortable because you're unyeilding, then being with you isn't a reward. "Being with you" isn't some prize that you're giving her, it's something that the two of you share, it's benifit is equal to you and her, so it doesn't even the scale at all.

He's not saying that you should make all the sacrifices, but he's saying that you can't just say: "be grateful ***** cuz you get to stay with me! I'M FUCKING AWESOME!!" I very much hope I'm exaggerating, but that's kinda what you're saying. You're saying that living with you is some kind of gift that makes up for what you aren't willing to give her. It's not. if that's what you're thinking, then stop. The current situation isn't working for her, you need to change the situation. You don't necessarily even need to sacrifice more, you just need to sacrifice the right things. You need to make it her place too, not your place with some of her parts. She lives there, if that's the level you want the relationship to be at, you have to let her have equal say over everything about it. It doesn't matter that you're paying the rent. A committed relationship of that level needs to be based on equality. Therefore, it's not ok for you to sacrifice everything, but it's not ok for you to sacrifice nothing.

and remember, she is going to value things differently than you. Say video games. You might love it, while she only likes it, or hates it, or maybe it even bothers her a little when you spend time on games and not her. But playing gives you more value than it takes from her, so sacrificing it would be huge for you, but letting you play is small for her. That is the problem. You are counting score at even, but she's playing a different game, and you're winning. Honestly, this isn't going to work between you unless you have an open discussion about what she wants and what she needs, and the same for you. If you can't get her to open up, you should probably give up on it now.

I think you've taken what I said out of context... like, a lot. I have sacrificed for the relationship. I've put off starting a really important paper I have to write to sort out all the stuff with the house with her, and it's getting to severe crunch-time and I'm seriously getting stressed out about it (I have anxiety problems as well as depression, or so I'm told). The point is, I went straight into the rearranging the house thing despite not having the time/feeling uncomfortable about it, and now it's not enough. She wants to leave.

The point is, is actually being in one particular house, regardless of the way it's organised too much to ask? I can't afford to move out. That's the end of it. I'll sacrifice as much as I can but there is a line somewhere.

 

[KaWaiiTSuKI]

Relationships are hard but nothing in life worth having comes easy. You have to ask yourself "is it worth it to you?"

I'm going to have to agree with her. Nothing worth having comes easy so ask yourself if sacrifice is worth it.
If not, try to move on from things.
Besides, it is YOUR house so why should you leave it if you don't want to? She doesn't have a right to come in and change things and demand to move just because she doesn't like your parents.
Your parents are going to do that no matter how far away you move.

Relationships are difficult, yes (I have a few friends now dealing with issues but that's more due to psychotic crazies than problems like this) but they try their best to make it work because they love one another. If you love this girl, do what you have to to stay with her. If you don't feel comfortable with the way she's acting, then tell her and if she doesn't like it, move on. Like I said, it's not her house.

 

[Elf Defiler Korgan]

Relationships are not always hard, depending on temperament. Some people form them easily, go along with them and move from person to person as they collapse (like falling blocks) with remarkable proficiency compared to a worried on-looker. For others it is not so easy.

What is that Japanese saying, to begin is easy, to continue is hard?

Well if you want a relationship to continue, to flourish to be meaningful, yeah it might be "hard", but it takes whatever it takes. Expressing your feelings, not being overly selfish, taking the time in bed to satisfy their desires as much as your own, going and doing fun things, professing your love. All of these can be considered meaningful and important things to do. If it is too hard, then singledom with the threat of loneliness is probably easier.

 

[spartan231490]

snip

And be supportive. This means you should NEVER say that she should "just be grateful", because that will make things far worse. It's obvious that the current situation is not doing it for her, so you need to change it as best as you can.

I get what you're saying but do you not think the door should swing both ways? I don't really want to be tied here either but that's the way it is. I'm trying to change as much as possible but at the end of the day I thought that maybe, y'know... just being with me should be enough for her?


snip

Of course it shouldn't be enough for her. If living with you makes her uncomfortable because you're unyeilding, then being with you isn't a reward. "Being with you" isn't some prize that you're giving her, it's something that the two of you share, it's benifit is equal to you and her, so it doesn't even the scale at all.

He's not saying that you should make all the sacrifices, but he's saying that you can't just say: "be grateful ***** cuz you get to stay with me! I'M FUCKING AWESOME!!" I very much hope I'm exaggerating, but that's kinda what you're saying. You're saying that living with you is some kind of gift that makes up for what you aren't willing to give her. It's not. if that's what you're thinking, then stop. The current situation isn't working for her, you need to change the situation. You don't necessarily even need to sacrifice more, you just need to sacrifice the right things. You need to make it her place too, not your place with some of her parts. She lives there, if that's the level you want the relationship to be at, you have to let her have equal say over everything about it. It doesn't matter that you're paying the rent. A committed relationship of that level needs to be based on equality. Therefore, it's not ok for you to sacrifice everything, but it's not ok for you to sacrifice nothing.

and remember, she is going to value things differently than you. Say video games. You might love it, while she only likes it, or hates it, or maybe it even bothers her a little when you spend time on games and not her. But playing gives you more value than it takes from her, so sacrificing it would be huge for you, but letting you play is small for her. That is the problem. You are counting score at even, but she's playing a different game, and you're winning. Honestly, this isn't going to work between you unless you have an open discussion about what she wants and what she needs, and the same for you. If you can't get her to open up, you should probably give up on it now.

I think you've taken what I said out of context... like, a lot. I have sacrificed for the relationship. I've put off starting a really important paper I have to write to sort out all the stuff with the house with her, and it's getting to severe crunch-time and I'm seriously getting stressed out about it (I have anxiety problems as well as depression, or so I'm told). The point is, I went straight into the rearranging the house thing despite not having the time/feeling uncomfortable about it, and now it's not enough. She wants to leave.

The point is, is actually being in one particular house, regardless of the way it's organised too much to ask? I can't afford to move out. That's the end of it. I'll sacrifice as much as I can but there is a line somewhere.

Perhaps I did take what you said out of context, but there wasn't any context other than what I quoted, and that was what I was replying to. I also had another post where I addressed your OP directly. I said that no, being in one specific house is not too much to ask when you can't afford another, but I pointed out that you need to go a little further than moving around furniture and switching posters. you should let her help pick room colors for paint or wallpaper, let her help pick some "window treatments" and if possible, change the layout of the house so that you move your bedroom to a different room so that the new room can become "your" new room, plural. Decide on the new layout together, but go for a completely new layout, not just your apartment, with her dresser and 3 of her posters. I'm exaggeration, but you see my point. You need to make the house "your" house, plural, not a house with "your" parts, singular, and her parts singular. Unfortunately, the way to really do that is to talk to each other. I also said a lot of other things. They're just my opinions, but I hope they help you, I really do.