Repairing friendships/Being forgiven

[latenightapplepie]

So I went on a date with this guy, Mike, twice. Nothing happened and I wasn't interested, so I suggested we be friends instead. He seemed alright with that. We keep hanging out, it's a little awkward, but we persist. He confesses to having a crush on me, and despite me suggesting that we take some time away from each other for his sake, he continues to see me and I don't object.

He then meets my gay best mate James, (we're all gay men by the way, just to make that clear) and they have a whirlwind romance. My mate gets very emotionally invested but Mike has second thoughts and shuts him down. James is hurting but tries to stay friends with Mike. We all hang out as a trio and it's really fun. James still hurts a little bit, but he decides to stay the course.

So that's the setup.

Last Thursday, whilst we were all very drunk at a gay bar, I made out with Mike. I don't know why, since I still have no feelings for him. But James no longer wants to talk to me. I quote a text he sent to me, in response to me asking if we could talk: "Nah I don't think we need to talk ever again". That was two days after the fact. I've sent him a message begging for his forgiveness and explaining that I have no feelings for Mike, but I still have no response.

I really want to be friends with James again. But I don't know what more I can do to regain his trust and get him to forgive me. Do I just wait now and hope he comes around? Please help.

 

[Rylot]

That sucks. Unfortunately you don't have anyway to force him to be your friend again. Hopefully in a few days when he calms down he'll realize that it didn't mean anything and that you weren't trying to steal Mike away, but that's up to James. Give it sometime, but for right now it sounds like you've done all you can.

 

[Antwerp Caveman]

When did it happen?
Best just give it some time, he isn't your best-mate for nothing, and he'll probably realise that what happens after a few too much drinks sometimes just happens.
Didn't he ever do something stupid? We all do.

 

[latenightapplepie]

When did it happen?

It happened four days ago. He sent the text two days ago.

 

[Antwerp Caveman]

When did it happen?

It happened four days ago. He sent the text two days ago.

Exactly, give it some time.

 

[Ambi]

You could either wait or tell him not to let you do that because you don't want to hurt him again, or depending on how much you value drinking, you could tell him you you won't get drunk around Mike. It's probably not so much you yourself (he should understand the effects of alcohol) as him just generally hurting in the first place and it being "salt on the wound". He might just need a little time to calm down and realise that he doesn't have anything against you. Do you think he could have had any paranoid suspicions to begin with, considering the way you met Mike, and how he had a crush on you? It's silly because if you wanted him you would've just taken him to begin with. Infatuated people tend to be jealous of the past. I'm guessing you probably have been supportive in trying to help him get over Mike, but if not, he might need some reassurance and cheering up, although it sounds like he isn't making it easy. Of course, I'm not qualified to be giving advice and you know the situation better than me, so take it or leave it, but I hope it's been of some help.

Irrelevant note: your avatar looks like it's moving twice as fast. I like your avatar.

 

[Erana]

When did it happen?

It happened four days ago. He sent the text two days ago.

Exactly, give it some time.

This.

You've made it clear that you regret your actions and value your relationship greatly. After he cools off, your apologies will be there in his mind. Don't get angry, just be patient and understanding.

 

[Antwerp Caveman]

He'll realise Bro's before... bro's?

 

[nunqual]

Give it some time. He'll come around.

 

[gazumped]

Once I was with a guy and fell in love with our mutual close friend. After my and this guy split up I started sleeping with said mutual friend. My ex then broke off the friendship with this mutual friend. For, like, a year. Then they made up again and it's all cool now.

I mean, yeah, that was a year, but that was for four months of sleeping with someone he'd been in a two year relationship with and only just broken up with. You just made out one time with someone your friend had a fling with.

I recommend you don't pester him about it, wait. If he doesn't contact you, I assume you'll have mutual friends you'll see each other through, at which point you don't make a big deal out of it but try to talk to him as acquaintances, to give him an opening to repair the friendship without having to swallow any pride.

 

[Mnemon]

If anything the whole "I don't even have feelings for Mike" thing makes it worse. Seems like a shockingly bad disregard for your friends feelings - who you knew was into Mike.

All you can do is apologize, take blame for your mistake and ensure James it won't happen again. After that you need to wait until he's OK with the whole thing, and my guess is he'll come around.

This is of course assuming this whole thing was a one time mistake, and not the latest in a series of similar mistakes.

 

[Mr Somewhere]

Give him time to breath, then offer an honest apology, everybody makes a mistake from time to time.

 

[latenightapplepie]

Thanks for the advice everyone. It's been a week, but I'm more hopeful than I was before. I think James will come around. However....

UPDATE:

I saw Mike and I believe I may have made another mistake. In my haste to portray what happened as shameful, cruel, bizarre, unnatural and abominable in my apology to James, I have hurt Mike. Every time I call our making out wrong, I see that I'm telling Mike that his feelings for me are also wrong. And I'm so bloody dense, Mike had to practically spell it out for me. He said he feels like a "mistake". And I hadn't even really thought to apologise to him.

I hate unrequited romantic feelings.

 

[UnusualStranger]

Alright....if I am reading this right, you got drunk and did something you would not usually do because when drunk you do things that make no sense, to you especially.

So, James is being terribly hardheaded if you did something while drunk, and he took that to heart. You might want to bring that up to him so perhaps HE can see that he might be taking things a bit too far.

Mike, on the other hand, is somewhat more difficult. People really take it personally when they are called "mistakes". You should do your best to reassure them that they are not the mistake, and instead try to turn it so when you were drunk you were mistaken to simply start making out with him like that, and you shouldn't have done it.

All the advice I can really give on this situation, good luck.