REPORT: ISIS Kidnaps Easter Bunny

[PsychicTaco115]

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Today, ISIS made more international headlines today by kidnapping the theological conundrum known as the Easter Bunny. Shortly after reports of the bunny's disappearance, a video was released on YouTube and quickly circulated on social media sites.

"Using a filthy animal as a use for a holiday, especially a religious one, is heresy. This is a great disrespect to Mohammad and this will not stand. We knew you would take us more seriously if we took someone who meant more spiritual to you and it would have been the Pope if we hadn't found our current captive snoozing near a finish line" said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, ISIS leader.

"We have no interests in ransoming our captive off or cooperating with the Western infidels. We intend to make our guest a fine feast for our fighters after making him halal. The fires from the riots in the street will serve as an excellent oven when we add some rosemary. Stuffing our faces with chocolate rabbits and Peeps goes against Allah and we intend to punish those who go against his will."

"Let this be a message to all who would oppose us: We managed to kidnap a supernatural being able to bring Western children magical eggs and treats. Do not underestimate our abilities. We WILL do the same for the ones you call 'Santa Claus,' or as we call him, Western Willy. We will not be so kind to him as we are to our guest here."

President Obama released a statement condemning the actions.

"As we've said multiple times both in reality and fiction, the US does not negotiate with terrorists. Even though the Easter Bunny brings joy to good little boys and girls nationwide, we can just get some trucker from Jersey to put on a suit. We can and we will stay strong together as a nation on this. I feel bad for ya son, you just pissed off a lot of hardcore Christians and/or Catholics and those f**kers don't let up."

Look for a possible Christian 9/11 response on ISIS locations sometime in the future. TACO News will bring you more of the story as information becomes available.

<a href=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeT4oJvxq_E>Source

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[tippy2k2]

Foolish Terrorists...

We have them right where we want them now. They have fallen for the trap.

We wanted the Easter Bunny to be captured. Now he will give all of the ISIS terrorist guys Peeps and everyone knows that Peeps are the greatest candy known to man. The ISIS guys will slowly, one by one, give in and try a Peep. Once they have tried a Peep, they will be so blown away by how awesome that the Peeps are that they will instantly become a peaceful group and vow to do nothing but help restore peace and love to the Middle East.

It will be a new golden age for the Middle East! War will no longer be the norm as one by one, the Peeps spread across the land in a beacon of sugar and happiness! Sunni and Shias will sit down and break Peeps together. The only fighting that will occur will be between people hugging it out. It will be glorious!

All thanks to the vision of one giant Bunny and his sugary snacks. Eventually, the Middle East will become fat and slow just like the rest of the world!

...and that is when we strike! Mu ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

 

[StormShaun]

If you ask me, I don't know what to feel about this.
I mean, I love the Easter holiday and all, I mean, we get chocolate, no work, and of course, it is a major religious holiday. I don't know if this has any impact on me as a Christian ...

...

But, I will say it.
The Easter bunny deserved it.
I mean here I am, on a Sunday. I wake up, I do not feel like a hot Cross bun. So, I reach my hand into the fridge.
"Why not make an omelette on a fine day like this?" I say.

Then, when I pull my hands out, all I find is the damned chocolate.
So what'ya know, that fucking bunny replaced all of my eggs.
Like seriously, I wanted a damn omelette! I can't make a chocolate omelette ... maybe whenever Jesus comes back, but no, science has proved that I cannot make a damn chocolate omelette.

You know what?
Those eggs cost me $3.50, and now I'm not going to get that back.

So the question comes down to this, can I sue the Easter Bunny's family. I know, it may seem bad, but hey ... you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelette.

... I'm going to jail for that, aren't I?

 

[Diablo1099_v1legacy]

If you ask me, I don't know what to feel about this.
I mean, I love the Easter holiday and all, I mean, we get chocolate, no work, and of course, it is a major religious holiday. I don't know if this has any impact on me as a Christian ...

...

But, I will say it.
The Easter bunny deserved it.
I mean here I am, on a Sunday. I wake up, I do not feel like a hot Cross bun. So, I reach my hand into the fridge.
"Why not make an omelette on a fine day like this?" I say.

Then, when I pull my hands out, all I find is the damned chocolate.
So what'ya know, that fucking bunny replaced all of my eggs.
Like seriously, I wanted a damn omelette! I can't make a chocolate omelette ... maybe whenever Jesus comes back, but no, science has proved that I cannot make a damn chocolate omelette.

You know what?
Those eggs cost me $3.50, and now I'm not going to get that back.

So the question comes down to this, can I sue the Easter Bunny's family. I know, it may seem bad, but hey ... you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelette.

... I'm going to jail for that, aren't I?

Personally? I want to know where that damn bunny gets all them eggs.
Last I checked, bunnies don't lay eggs...
...
Or they do and I never just seen the world outside of the Liberal Media, I need to watch Fox more >.>

OT: When they behead him, I wonder if they are going to be pissed that he's all hollow on the inside? I hate it when companies do that to save money, why is chocolate bunnies that are actually whole not a thing? TT^TT

 

[JoJo]

...if we hadn't found our current captive snoozing near a finish line...

The Easter Bunny is actually a hare? I knew this guy was too good to be true, go nuts with him ISIS!

 

[FalloutJack]

S'okay. Easter Bunny's actually Jesus in disguise and if they do anything to him, they'll get god-given leprosy or something.

 

[Evonisia]

...if we hadn't found our current captive snoozing near a finish line...

The Easter Bunny is actually a hare? I knew this guy was too good to be true, go nuts with him ISIS!

We tried to keep it secret, but the bastard just couldn't avoid rushing ahead of his friend Bowzer. I think he has a crush on him and wants to impress him.

 

[Dirkie]

We should send in Lobo to take care of it, i don't thrust ISIS to properly kill that bunny.
Paramilitary Chrismastime!

 

[TristanBelmont]

*violently signs up for the army*

 

[FPLOON]

Oh my glob! They took Russel Brand! Those bastards!

Other than that, they better not lay a single finger on Tim Allen...

 

[Tanis]

Wait...Catholics and Christians aren't the same thing?

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Easter Bunny had it coming ... that one time they hid a carob egg in the garden when I was egg-hunting as an 8 year old. Worst. Easter. Ever.

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

I checked the hutch, ISIS was nowhere near my Rabbit, so Easter is safe for now, its all media lies (Easter Bunny lives in my backyard, I dare you to defy me and my egg-pooping rabbit).

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

This is why I carry a laser gatling and wear power armor. ISIS the Brotherhood of Steel is coming! Die quick or surrender!

Captcha: "rodents of unusual size" Rock that fallout love!

 

[CrystalShadow]

Wait...Catholics and Christians aren't the same thing?

Course not. There wouldn't gave been anywhere near as many wars in Europe if they were.., XD

 

[LordFeast58]

Nobody think that ISIS is just an inside job for worldwide propaganda, huh? I don't think real terrorist even know what Easter is, so damn specific to make an Easter Bunny joke. Hundred of ISIS news and the internet, to think you can capture any of the ISIS 'member', but they manage to show their weird stuff all over the place, and not a single US army ever shoot or arrest them. Yup.

Just played along with this silly news. Well, as long as people believing with these conundrum, they may just let this trend continue.

 

[Fox12]

Oh god, now what? We can't let the children know! Alright, everyone, I think we should keep this secret. From now on we'll buy the chocolate ourselves, and put it in our children's baskets. They'll never know the difference. We take this secret to the grave, do you understand?

 

[RJ 17]

I think it's quite clear why they really kidnapped him. You'd be surprised how much the Easter Bunny has in common with an IED.

Source:

 

[LostCrusader]

Oh no, they might go after the Hogfather next!

 

[dalek sec]

...deploy SEAL Team 6! I Want my chocolate egg's damnit and by the Golden Throne I will get them!

OT: Honestly, the Escapist should hire you to do this for real, we need some humor.