REPORT: US Military to Research Pew-Based Weaponry

[PsychicTaco115]

[Img_Inline width="300" height="240" Caption="Officers converge on Ferguson protests with prototype pew guns="right"]http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3112/3127767089_f5a736f813.jpg[/Img_Inline]

Earlier today, the US Military announced that they want to focus more of the defense budget on the research of what they deem "Pew-Based" weapons.

"Laser guns, laser beams, anything laser is the way of the future" said US Department of Defense Chuck Hagel.

When asked whether or not such weapons are even possible in a doable timeframe, Hagel answered quickly.

"Look, war flat-out sucks. If we make the weapons make silly noises, we think people won't take war as seriously and we'll have a fresh wave of recruits who just want to play laser tag. As we speak, we've sent a shipment of weapons to Ferguson and we'll see how they do there."

Hagel also told us where the inspiration for such a daunting project came from.

"Every kid wants a space blaster, every adult wants a laser beam and every general wants to minimize the amount of bloody corpses that make it to the media. It's a win-win-win."

The first budget report will be coming out sometime in the next few years.

Source

-TACO News: Barely Meets the Deadlines
<color=darkred>Older News: <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.858917-REPORT-White-Man-to-go-on-Apology-Tour-for-Slavery#comment_form#comment_form>White Man to go on Apology Tour for Slavery[/color]

 

[Barbas]

Well as any avid reader of Warhammer fiction can tell you, las weaponry certainly may sting like a ***** but at least it cauterizes the wound. That means less time spent moping in hospitals and more time tagging and bagging!

I for one welcome this important step on the road to a more tacticool future.

 

[Euryalus]

You joke, but lasers are one of the heavier research areas the DOD's involved in. They actually were able to properly weaponize a few chemical laser designs, but ultimately chemical lasers were deemed to risky if I recall. The idea of carrying around all those volatile chemicals didn't sit very well with the military for mass production/use.

The ideal design they'd want is a 100 kW or more Free electron laser so they can switch between wavelengths.

 

[JoJo]

Pah, the US army's pew-based weaponry is no match for my laser-equipped sharks, next please.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Let's face it, if if they reduce people into ash, it will reduce wounded casualties in war by 200%!

Really, its more humane.

 

[Supernova1138]

Let's face it, if if they reduce people into ash, it will reduce wounded casualties in war by 200%!

Really, its more humane.

No, we really need to focus more on Plasma weaponry, as turning your enemy into green goo is cooler than turning your enemy into dust.

 

[DefunctTheory]

You joke, but lasers are one of the heavier research areas the DOD's involved in. They actually were able to properly weaponize a few chemical laser designs, but ultimately chemical lasers were deemed to risky if I recall. The idea of carrying around all those volatile chemicals didn't sit very well with the military for mass production/use.

The ideal design they'd want is a 100 kW or more Free electron laser so they can switch between wavelengths.

God bless DARPA, the premier researcher into both Super Science, and Mad Science. Fire up the Tesla Coils and bring out the 200 scientist choir hired just for mad cackling!

Chemical lasers were abandoned by DARPA is 2012, and they've since moved on to electrical laser systems. The chemical 'cartridges' were deemed simply too dangerous in storage and in usage, which is something to consider when your talking about an organization that has hundreds of tons of explosives, fuel, and nukes laying around all over the place.

 

[lacktheknack]

You have no idea how sad and disappointed I am that this is not, in fact, about a tank that fires church pews. ;____;

 

[the doom cannon]

Woohoo! first we got giant railguns, now weaponized lasers! Im excited

 

[Tony2077]

forget pew based weapons focus on making weapons that turn people into chickens

 

[Something Amyss]

forget pew based weapons focus on making weapons that turn people into chickens

War has not been this tasty since we invaded Baconia in 1835.

 

[Ghost_Star]

For a second there i thought they were gonna weaponise pewdiepie, everything went better than expected.

 

[Tony2077]

forget pew based weapons focus on making weapons that turn people into chickens

War has not been this tasty since we invaded Baconia in 1835.

is that a reference to something?

 

[snowpuppy]

I am a firm believer that dakka>pew. These weapons will be a research dead end.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

I don't get it. What's the benefit of firing long church benches at the enemy?

[small]*whisper whisper*[/small]

...it means what? No way, that's just silly.

 

[Spambot 3000]

I'm starting to get the feeling that this isn't a serious news source.

 

[spartan231490]

Oh yay, experimenting with lethal military weapons in a city that rioted in response to excessive force from overzealous militarized police forces, what could possibly go wrong?

 

[Harpalyce]

I hate to tell you this, Ace Journalist Taco, but it appears you've mixed up images to run with this article. Here's the correct one...[footnote]yes I realize this joke has been already made, no I don't care, I am unrepentant to the core[/footnote]

 

[Lilani]

I have good faith in this project. Last year they came out with a new type of kleenex, and it was nothing to sneeze at.