Revealing problems with girls? (I guess that could be a title...yeah sure, why not?)

[BGH122]

just as some men don't prefer nude women

Huh? I'm guessing you're female.

Sorry, bit of a thread hijack, but I had to point out the absurdity of this post. I'm not female so I can't really comment one way or the other, not that I accept the idea of there being 'female' perceptions of things and 'male' perceptions of things, but societal pressure does tend to polarise peoples opinions within genders.

Nope, I'm a guy.

And the fact is that culturally, men and women on average behave along certain norms. I've simply pointed out what were some possible factors. Of course, I believe they can apply equally to both genders, but for the purposes of this thread, we're talking about women getting naked for men--unless I misread?

I just don't feel the need to put a disclaimer in front of every view I express, I suppose.

(Of course, we could also get into the very different ways in which the male and female brain process the same information--not issues of "better" or "worse," but different methods, speaking scientifically.)

Sorry, bad post formatting on my part: the second paragraph was meant for the OP, explaining that I can't really comment on the issue because I'm male (and then going on to explain that I'm aware that no single woman is representative of all women, though there's limited shared norms within genders).

 

[Ensiferum]

Well there's the problem. Stop being desperate.

Wow, you sound like a real catch.

I think if the general tone of your post is any sort of indication of your personality, I can see why females are hesitant to undress in any way in your presence.

Wow, came off even worse than I thought I would...

a bit of background might help my flagging self esteem. The girl I am currently with is someone I care about a great deal, and have been with for a long time. I am not in any way trying to pressure anyone, I'm trying to get to the route of something that I feel is my fault.
oh well.

If you really do care about her a great deal, why are you in a rush to get her to show you her "naughty bits?" If you genuinely care for her it shouldn't matter that you don't get to see them, so take your time and don't pressure her into something she isn't comfortable with.

 

[Dastardly]

just as some men don't prefer nude women

Huh? I'm guessing you're female.

Sorry, bit of a thread hijack, but I had to point out the absurdity of this post. I'm not female so I can't really comment one way or the other, not that I accept the idea of there being 'female' perceptions of things and 'male' perceptions of things, but societal pressure does tend to polarise peoples opinions within genders.

Nope, I'm a guy.

And the fact is that culturally, men and women on average behave along certain norms. I've simply pointed out what were some possible factors. Of course, I believe they can apply equally to both genders, but for the purposes of this thread, we're talking about women getting naked for men--unless I misread?

I just don't feel the need to put a disclaimer in front of every view I express, I suppose.

(Of course, we could also get into the very different ways in which the male and female brain process the same information--not issues of "better" or "worse," but different methods, speaking scientifically.)

Sorry, bad post formatting on my part: the second paragraph was meant for the OP, explaining that I can't really comment on the issue because I'm male (and then going on to explain that I'm aware that no single woman is representative of all women, though there's limited shared norms within genders).

Ah, right on--sorry for the confusion!

 

[Sebenko]

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm still as curious as ever about heterosexuality (fucking vaginas, how do they work?), but I don't go trying not to sound like a pervert to get some nudity.

Just throw what you want out there, and it might happen. Hiding yourself just makes you look like a dick.

 

[manic_depressive13]

If you really do care about her a great deal, why are you in a rush to get her to show you her "naughty bits?" If you genuinely care for her it shouldn't matter that you don't get to see them, so take your time and don't pressure her into something she isn't comfortable with.

I don't get the impression that's what he's doing. It's like when someone doesn't want to tell you a secret. You probably don't give a shit about the contents of the secret, but the fact that they don't want to tell you shows they don't trust you, and when you're close with someone that implied lack of trust can be very hurtful.

OT: More information would be helpful. How long have you two been together? Perhaps you just have a habit of dating insecure girls. Also, I don't fully understand the situation. I mean... were you naked, but she didn't want to get naked? Were you wanting her to get naked, but she refused. Were you trying to instigate something, and she pushed you away? Were you able to instigate something, but she didn't want to take off a certain item of clothing? Or have you just been hoping she'll get naked and it hasn't happened yet?

I don't think what you're asking is as terrible as what you think, but you could've worded it better.

This should probably be moved to the advice forum.

 

[wearesoneutralthatithurts]

the lesser desperate you are, the easier it will come.

Some women need time. Maybe they had bad experiences. Maybe they have strange parents, this kind of "sexuality is bad" oder "sinful" or parents which were ashamed of their bodies, so the child copied this behavior.

some girls have to learn that their body has no parts to be ashamed of. but that will need time. be nice, be patient. show her, that she is beautiful and lovable. maybe she feares something, so you could ask?
if you want practical tips: only few candles. Seems to make a romantic anthmosphere plus there is no "hard" light, so the feeling of benig exposed might be smaller.

after a time you might talk about. maybe there were problems. if you know this, you can better adapt. Some girls might be too ashamed to talk. If this is the case, dont press her.


I for my self am very candid. And i never were shameful, because my parents raised me with the feeling, that my body is good and valuable. (its the only I got.) So I might not be the best source o information. But I hope this might help you nevertheless. and i hope this text isnt far too bad ...

 

[SimuLord]

This looks like a job for the forum's resident womanizing jerk! But since he's not here, I'll step in.

All kidding aside, I've had a wide variety of girls nervous about getting naked around me. Rape victims, child molestation victims, overweight girls...you name it. Except anorexics. Fuck, get that shit away from me. Those chicks look like Feral Ghouls.

Anyway, here's SimuLord's Foolproof Guaranteed To Work[footnote]Not guaranteed to work. If I were that good I'd be too busy getting laid to post here.[/footnote] Guide to Female Body Image Improvement For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan:

1) I have found in my travels that most girls with body issues don't have body issues. What they've got is trust issues. It's not that they're necessarily disgusted with their naked form per se, it's that they're scared to death that you'll scream (to quote one of my ex-girlfriends) "Away, vile creature!" The first step is to make them feel secure. Unless you have a body like a Jersey Shore cast member, chances are good you have an imperfection of your own---cracking a light joke at your own expense will give her the sense that you're as nervous about her opinion as she is of yours. When the tide is turned and she's reassuring you that she finds you attractive? That's when you pull out the "see, that's how I feel when I look at you."[footnote]And for gods' sake, mean it. I want to cut the balls off any guy who's been insincere with his girl because I have to clean up that mess when she gets to me.[/footnote]

2) If you think you can get away with it, make a "house rule" that "sorry, you want to sleep in this bed, the clothes are coming off." Note: This is a serious test of her trust. Not only is she probably afraid of what's going to happen (unless she's got a monumental sex drive), you're going to have to resist your own carnal urges---at least at first---to convince her that she can be naked around you without the whole thing being instantly oversexualized. Pull this off and she'll trust you on far more than an aesthetic level. And that means more naked cuddling. And sex, when you hit that point. So much easier to keep a sex life alive when you don't have to pry the flannel PJs off her.

3) Affection, affection, affection. While it would be horribly sexist of me to suggest that women are like dogs, I call 'em like I see 'em and training a woman has a very Cesar Millan-like quality to it. (unless she's a domme, in which case you'll probably just fight to the death. But I'm assuming no fetishes here. And I prefer submissive girls myself.) Consider the most recent episode of Extra Credits. Y'know, the one about "operant conditioning"? Y'know how Daniel Floyd points out "it works on humans"? I believe you can do the math. Teach her to associate getting naked around you with heightened sense of emotional fulfillment and intimacy. She'll not want to put her clothes back on. (and I am sorry if this came out sexist speaking from ample experience[footnote]I just calls 'em like I sees 'em.[/footnote].)

Do this and you'll be doin' it like they do on the Discovery Channel before you know it.

 

[Emeli]

Yeah, this is all really hard to deal with without sounding like a pervert. It's alright. The internets are not the place to look for delicate understanding.

It IS hard when you want to be close to someone and they lack the confidence, particularly if said lack of confidence is caused by past issues. An age bracket would help here, because she may simply not be ready, and if she's not, it's time to back right the hell off. If she's got prior issues that seem to be getting in the way of things progressing naturally, that's something she needs to seek professional help with, it could be that anything you do can only make things worse. If she's just insecure about her body then reassurances can help.

So to actually answer some questions.

1: Tell her that you feel the relationship has reached a point where you want to be closer to her, and (and this is important) ask her how she feels about it. Really listen to her on this one, because if she isn't at that point, then pressuring her isn't going to do anything but creep her out. Don't get sulky, either, because that can be as bad as pressure. She may feel comfortable opening up about what's going on in her head if she thinks you really want to know an answer, and not just want to hear what you want to hear. Make sure she knows you respect her decision.

2: Hard to say, each girl is different. Focus on her good points. And I don't mean her tits and arse. Having a guy really pay attention to the best parts of your body can make a girl feel great about herself. Eyes, hair, ankles, hands, all these things are nice to give lingering glances and comments and touches, make her feel pretty without making her feel like a piece of meat. Make sure she knows that she's sexy to you but she's more than that as well.

3: Yes. I know a girl who shaves her arms because a guy once said they were hairy. It's not just girls, guys can be this way, too. People are in general massively insecure about how they look, and the worst of them will always be shy about it.


But really here, I can't stress enough that if she has real issues, something that's actually stopping her from engaging in a healthy sexual relationship with someone she cares about, that is the realm of professional help. Do not try to play therapist. Emotional issues can be tough, and the best thing you can do for her is to provide your support in getting her to see someone qualified to help.

 

[Ziadaine_v1legacy]

Unfortunatly you'll just have to camp it out. I didn't have sex until I was over 18 and my GF at the time hated getting naked. after months of dating as Adults we finally did it but soon after she dumped me.

tl;dr - Not to be an ass, You'll just have to get over it and either find someone who is comfortable with themself with you or convince otherwise. Its taken me 2 years now and a dry streak that long at 20 is going to make you do stupid things.

Reply at 2, Snip

I've had that problem for as long as I can remember. It's horribly frustrating.

 

[lee1287]

havent you discovered Pron?

Just keep complimenting them. Or do something special and or nice for them. Or take them to the gym with you.

Orr go back to pron.

 

[ExileNZ]

If you're talking about what I think you're talking about; the first thing you need to realize is that women are self conscious. Pretty much all of them. If a girl you're romantically involved with is reluctant to "show you the goods" when you guys are gettin down, it typically means that she is not satisfied with herself physically. This can and does lead to the anxiety of your lover potentially rejecting your body which is something everyone would hate to experience. Just try to make her feel comfortable in her own skin and let her know that you think she's better than chocolate cake.

A lot of girls are like this; theres nothing wrong with wanting to see your partners body but remember that you gotta be patient with these things.

+1

Okay I'll add something (this may be TMI for some people but it's really pretty tame).
I'm assuming the girls you date have no problem getting down with you so long as they can hide in either the bed covers or total darkness (some people seem to be assuming that you're saying "Hey so we kissed, can I see your boobs now?").

I can't remember the last time I went out with a girl who didn't have some complex about her body, but the basic thing is to not draw attention to it. Cover her in kisses from head to toe. By the time you get to whatever part she's ashamed of she may not even care. If she does, don't force the issue.
She got a belly or boob she's not proud of? Cover her in kisses. In the dark, first. After a while when she knows what she's in for she probably won't notice if you do it with the lights on (assuming you still manage to do some fooling around in the light).
Self-conscious about her thighs? Focus on what's between them (duh). In the dark. Again, by the time you get to them in the light she shouldn't care, but give it time.
Oggling her goods is a privilege, not a right.

Anyway you get the point.

And for the record I told mine she's better than vanilla ice cream (sound boring? Vanilla stuff is really good here).

 

[tharglet]

However, Most relationships cannot go on with no sex at all, perhaps a minute few, but professionals and even most non professionals agree, you need your physical needs met.

I feel like quoting this ¬¬

 

[tharglet]

I think most of what I'm thinking has been said - different people are more comfortable doing different things, and at different times. There'll be no surefire way of getting someone comfortable around you, which is accounted by the varied advice as seen in this thread.
It'll be a case of learning why the woman isn't comfortable (trust, self-conscious, nervousness) and working your way through it. Relationships are give and take - so it's wise to invest some give to get the ball rolling, and aim to accommodate her (to an extent at least), if you're serious.

 

[tehweave]

So my general questions are,

1. How do I voice this without sounding like I'm a pervert? (I actually have talked about it a little, but I get a general 'don't want to talk about it vibe' each time)
2. How can I make them feel less self-conscious?
and (that most generic of internet questions involving relationships)
3. Is this common?

The major question I need to ask you is how old are you and how old are the women you're with? This plays a MASSIVE role in this. The younger they are, the less likely they are to get naked. (Women understand more about sex, sexuality, and having sex as they get older, and are therefore more open to being sexually active.) Plus, the younger YOU are the more likely they are to feel insecure, because women are attracted to maturity or men who put themselves out there as mature. (No, I'm serious.) If you're shown as mature, she is more comfortable around you because she believes she's less likely to get pregnant.

Now to answer your questions directly.

1. From what I can tell, these women are young, and not willing to talk about it because they don't feel comfortable with it. That comfort comes in slowly but surely over time, and you may just have better luck later in life. More often than not, the direct approach is the best approach. Be very up front about it. Be truthful. But take a mature stance. "I want to have sex with you. You're very attractive, and I'd like to see you naked. It's as simple as that." This level of truth will be a bit of a shock to them, but let me tell you this now: They want to have sex with you. They want to feel sexy. They want to turn you on. They just don't trust you, and aren't sure what you're going to do. Ask them what they want, and tell them directly what you want. This works more often than not. Trust me.

2. Tell them they are attractive, and talk to them truthfully. This shows you to be more mature, and they'll feel more comfortable and trust you. You want to earn their trust and NOT LOSE IT. Trust is a huge issue among women. Be very very careful with it.

3. Hell yes this is common, but will become less common over time. If you're still in high school, unfortunately, you'll just be S.O.L. until later in life, because women take longer to mature than men. (A man's sexual peak is at 18. A woman's is at 35.)

Good luck, and just be patient and truthful. You'll do fine.

 

[The Zango]

So this is going to be hard to phrase without sounding like a lecherous ass, so I'll just come out with it.

Some girls I go out with have real trouble getting naked...which is sad.

Now I backtrack and try and defend myself. So a few of the girls I've gone out with have real problems showing me certain bits of their anatomy, various parts not the same each time. My problem here isn't that I'm desperate to see glorious full frontal/rear nudity all the time, but rather that I don't like the idea that I might make people self-conscious, especially at times when such a problem is a little off-putting(if you get the implication). Ah it still sounds awfull...bugger.

So my general questions are,

How do I voice this without sounding like I'm a pervert? (I actually have talked about it a little, but I get a general 'don't want to talk about it vibe' each time)
How can I make them feel less self-conscious?
and (that most generic of internet questions involving relationships) Is this common?

Would rather a girls opinion, but it's a free internet I suppose....

If you make the full-frontal nudity as a mere bi-product of a good time, instead of the entire point, you might find that they are more comfortable with you. It ties into part of the 'girls like jerks' theory, the less you seem to care about it, the easier it'll be to get.

So just chill, try to enjoy the ladies time and focus on the present, shit will just happen.

 

[whtkid6969]

this has actually happened to me before, but when I could never think of an apropriate way to say it besides, "Baby, lets get naked." So when I actual said that, she looked at me as if I were joking, i smiled, and walked away. The next day she did, probly made her think about it. So im not sure if this would work, but you can try it if you can muster up the courage.