Like usual when i pick up a bad movie i thought i´d like, i had listened to the advice of a reviewer to heavily, and not taken their opinion with a grain of salt. The reviewer in question was MovieBob, and while i have nothing against MovieBob(Hell, The big picture is one of the better shows on the site) i think i´m going to stop listening to his reviews.
Because almost every time i listen to his opinion on movies, my opinion is usually that opposite. "District 9 is a great movie!" said MovieBob. "District 9 is a mediocre movie with a severe mood shift for no reason and trying so hard to bash you with "the point" that by the time you stop watching it, your head has gone flat." i say.
"Sherlock holmes is a mediocre movie!" said MovieBob. "Sherlock holmes is one of the best movies i´ve seen all year, perfectly capturing the essence of Sherlock holmes while adding enough new things to keep it intresting!" i say.
But i better stop now. This is a review of Splice, after all.
So...Splice.
The very first problem i ran into in this movie is the squick. Now, i´m no weak-stomached dude who pukes the second he sees blood, but even i have certain limits. The movie really, really overdid the squick. The disgusting amounts of blood and certain other, more unspeakable things really killed this movie for me.
And close to the end, i got to see two of the most vile, disgusting and above all unneccesary scenes i have ever seen in my entire life. Anyone who´s seen the movie knows what i´m talking about. So with that bullet already in the movie´s kneecap i didn´t suspect it to get any worse. I mean, MovieBob liked it, right?
But unlike District 9 which bashed you over the head with the point, this movie doesn´t have a point, or atleast no point that i can see.
And don´t even get me started on the main charaters.
For me, there is an easy test to determine how much i´ll like or dislike a character.
Naturally, the character can still be good or bad even with this test, but it generally determines it pretty well. I´ve seen plenty characters that were Instantly likable, but were still complete assholes, and i´ve seen Instantly not likable characters pull themselves out of the pit. Here comes the test:
How does the character act in a majority of the scenes?
Instantly likable: Like i (think) i would act in said scenario, or something having a resemblance of it.
Instantly Somewhat likable: Not like i would act, but acts that i can understand.(I.E: Realise why he´s doing it, and why it seems like a good idea)
Instantly not likable: Acts which i cannot grasp why anyone would do.
Guess which one the movies protagonists employ? Speaking of protagonists, those are, in order of stupidity: Elsa and Clive.
Two brilliant young scientists and lovers that have deviced several useful things using genetics, and are head of their own lab. How they came to that position baffles me, but i´ll let it slide.
Anyway, since Elsa and Clive are such BRILLIANT scientists they start a highly dangerous and highly stupid experiement where they combine human and animal DNA "just to see if they can." Turns out, they can, and instead of doing the ethical thing and ending the creations life until they can properly feed and research it´s needs, they decide to just hide it in the lab.
From there, the stupid descisions just start piling up and just when you think the movie can´t one-up itself in retardation, it jumps the shark yet again.
"Gee, this incredibly dangerous, destructive thing that can kill us both in an instant is real cute. We can´t kill it!"
"Gee, this still incredibly dangerous thing is to easy to detect to keep in the secure lab anymore. Where should we put it? An unguarded, unsecure and run-down barn? OFCOURSE!"
But the last nail in this movies coffin is in the end, where the movie tries to be "artsy" and "clever" by having one of their characters...if you´ve seen the movie, you know. In the very end. What happens to the (human) girl. It´s fucking stupid.
In the end, Splice is a huge, HUGE disappointment, and the final straw that will make me stop listening to MovieBob´s reviews.
Final verdict: Don´t see the movie. For the love of god, do not see this movie. It will suck out your brain.
Well, like all old, moral guardian sort of people would tell you, it´s dangerous to break tradition, so let´s end this review with a awesomeClaw tip!
awesomeClaw tip: If you´re going to see the movie, bring a barf-bag.
Because almost every time i listen to his opinion on movies, my opinion is usually that opposite. "District 9 is a great movie!" said MovieBob. "District 9 is a mediocre movie with a severe mood shift for no reason and trying so hard to bash you with "the point" that by the time you stop watching it, your head has gone flat." i say.
"Sherlock holmes is a mediocre movie!" said MovieBob. "Sherlock holmes is one of the best movies i´ve seen all year, perfectly capturing the essence of Sherlock holmes while adding enough new things to keep it intresting!" i say.
But i better stop now. This is a review of Splice, after all.
So...Splice.
The very first problem i ran into in this movie is the squick. Now, i´m no weak-stomached dude who pukes the second he sees blood, but even i have certain limits. The movie really, really overdid the squick. The disgusting amounts of blood and certain other, more unspeakable things really killed this movie for me.
And close to the end, i got to see two of the most vile, disgusting and above all unneccesary scenes i have ever seen in my entire life. Anyone who´s seen the movie knows what i´m talking about. So with that bullet already in the movie´s kneecap i didn´t suspect it to get any worse. I mean, MovieBob liked it, right?
But unlike District 9 which bashed you over the head with the point, this movie doesn´t have a point, or atleast no point that i can see.
And don´t even get me started on the main charaters.
For me, there is an easy test to determine how much i´ll like or dislike a character.
Naturally, the character can still be good or bad even with this test, but it generally determines it pretty well. I´ve seen plenty characters that were Instantly likable, but were still complete assholes, and i´ve seen Instantly not likable characters pull themselves out of the pit. Here comes the test:
How does the character act in a majority of the scenes?
Instantly likable: Like i (think) i would act in said scenario, or something having a resemblance of it.
Instantly Somewhat likable: Not like i would act, but acts that i can understand.(I.E: Realise why he´s doing it, and why it seems like a good idea)
Instantly not likable: Acts which i cannot grasp why anyone would do.
Guess which one the movies protagonists employ? Speaking of protagonists, those are, in order of stupidity: Elsa and Clive.
Two brilliant young scientists and lovers that have deviced several useful things using genetics, and are head of their own lab. How they came to that position baffles me, but i´ll let it slide.
Anyway, since Elsa and Clive are such BRILLIANT scientists they start a highly dangerous and highly stupid experiement where they combine human and animal DNA "just to see if they can." Turns out, they can, and instead of doing the ethical thing and ending the creations life until they can properly feed and research it´s needs, they decide to just hide it in the lab.
From there, the stupid descisions just start piling up and just when you think the movie can´t one-up itself in retardation, it jumps the shark yet again.
"Gee, this incredibly dangerous, destructive thing that can kill us both in an instant is real cute. We can´t kill it!"
"Gee, this still incredibly dangerous thing is to easy to detect to keep in the secure lab anymore. Where should we put it? An unguarded, unsecure and run-down barn? OFCOURSE!"
But the last nail in this movies coffin is in the end, where the movie tries to be "artsy" and "clever" by having one of their characters...if you´ve seen the movie, you know. In the very end. What happens to the (human) girl. It´s fucking stupid.
In the end, Splice is a huge, HUGE disappointment, and the final straw that will make me stop listening to MovieBob´s reviews.
Final verdict: Don´t see the movie. For the love of god, do not see this movie. It will suck out your brain.
Well, like all old, moral guardian sort of people would tell you, it´s dangerous to break tradition, so let´s end this review with a awesomeClaw tip!
awesomeClaw tip: If you´re going to see the movie, bring a barf-bag.
