You didn't have a choice. He tried to kill you, and he would have killed the others too. It was you or him, that's not your fault.
Marcus forced himself to keep turning these words over in his mind. If he was going to stay focused, then he needed to be able to justify his actions to himself. Not only had his attack on the armed man been vicious, it had been sloppy. As soon as he had kicked in the door to Rafik's room, Marcus had lost control of the situation. He realized that now. Subconsciously he had become overconfident, believing that his healing powers would be enough to pull him through any situation, or expecting Frank to show up and pull their asses out of the fire all the time. Today had been a rude awakening. In trying too hard to appear in control, Marcus had shown just how out of his depth he really was.
"I think we lost them"
Adrian's words brought Marcus out of his meditation, and he breathed a heavy sigh of relief as he turned to head back towards the apartment.
The rest of the drive could have only been minutes, but to Marcus it felt like half a day. Time had slowed down after the frantic last few hours. Parking round the back, out of sight, Marcus turned to the other two.
"You guys go on up. I'll catch up with you in a minute."
When they had gone Marcus spent a long time looking at himself in the rear-view mirror. He looked positively deranged, spattered from head to toe in the blood of three different people. Popping the glove box, he withdrew the gun and held it for a second. It too had blood on it. A brief desire to press the gun to his own head and pull the trigger gripped him. Scared by his impulse, he disarmed the weapon and placed both parts back in the glove box. Next, he drew out the knife, the blade shining red. Before he'd quite thought through what he was doing, motivated by some primal desire to punish himself, to make himself feel the pain he felt he deserved, he brought the blade down hard into his own leg.
The pain was incredible, worse than being shot, more intense than anything he had felt in his whole life. As the tip of the knife hit bone it burned through his entire body, cleansing his mind. It was terrible, yet also a wonderful act of penance. Not until every fiber of his being screamed in protest did he withdraw.
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Tim screamed in protest as his face was pushed into the dirt. The adults, observant as ever, liked to keep the more troublesome kids out of sight and out of mind, and so no-one thought to disturb this act of play. The injustice of all of it filled Marcus with a righteous anger that overcame his natural instinct to remain ignored. He marched over to Tim's tormentor with a cold fire in his eyes.
"You leave him alone!"
The boy, whom Marcus did not know well, leered as he relinquished his hold on Tim, who lay panting and whimpering, and turned to face Marcus.
"Or what?" came his slack jawed reply.
He was distinctly stockier than Marcus, perhaps a year or two older, Marcus could not be sure. Marcus did not answer verbally, but instead set his face, jaw locked, eyes full of hatred. His stance was perfectly balanced, ready to fight.
Something in the bully's expression faltered. He might have been bigger, but there was an unyielding determination the emanated from Marcus that spoke very clearly that he was not going to be intimidated, and that he would pull no punches were he forced to throw them. The boy's confidence waned, and he backed down.
"Fuck off, now!" Marcus said darkly, and the bully didn't need telling twice. When he was gone Marcus helped Tim to his feet.
"Th-thanks." stammered Tim, trying his best to stop sniveling and look presentable.
"Don't mention it," Marcus replied, still not quite able to look Tim in the eye. "That's what friends are supposed to do right?"
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With the memory of happier times; times when he had stood up for what was right, and had been able to avoid indulging in violence with a single look, Marcus repaired his wound. Cleaning the knife on his already stained clothes, he flung it into the glove box along with the gun and slammed it shut. He didn't want to have to be around those instruments unless he had no other choice. The sight of them sickened him, and he would not take them back into the apartment. With his head in his hands, slumped over the steering wheel, Marcus wept.