Transcript of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw review of Red Dead Redemption
["You know, Rockstar, you don't have to keep bending over backwards to please me. When I said that all the cars in GTA IV handled like there was a fat baby attached to the steering wheel, they brought out The Lost and Damned, which centered around a motorcycle gang. But that was even worse, because characters in GTA always seem to hold onto motorbikes as loosely as possible in case they catch crotch rot from the seats. And the graphics are so murky that riding down a busy road at high speed is making a foolish wager with the quintuple somersault head injury fairy.
"All right then," said Rockstar, "here's The Ballad of Gay Tony, where every other mission is helicopter-based." But the helicopters handle worst of all! It's like you're constantly airlifting a fucking merry-go-round with a hippo on one side.
"All right then, ************," says Rockstar. "Let's just set GTA IV a hundred years ago so you don't have to drive motorised vehicles at all. Are you happy now?" To which I reply, "my horse appears to be lodged in a wall."
Red Dead Redemption (a.k.a. Grand Theft Horse IV) is set in the last days of the Old West, when America was collectively realising how stupid everyone looked in those big, flappy trousers. Our hero, John Marston, is Niko Bellic in all but name and sexy accent: a straight-talking, cynical badass trying to escape from his evil past and who is easily distracted by minigames. John is being forced by the government to track down and kill his former gang members, who have been laughing and waving their grizzled willies in the face of law and order for too long. In return for which, John will be allowed to renew his new, simple life of farming with his wife and son - that's the "redemption" part, although I'm yet to figure out how the rest of the title comes into it. He's not dead, and the game isn't particularly red, either. But I expect Brown Alive Redemption wouldn't have sat well with Marketing."]
I guess Rockstar is bending over backwards again because he will be dead soon... or should I say undead soon.