Same problems as a lot of people, haven't got a way to fix it.

[The Clown]

I could write a huge rant about all the different "problems" in my life, mental or otherwise, and there are plenty. But the details of why I am depressed are irrelevant, I have been depressed quite severely for a few years now, been close to suicide a couple of times. But I've realised that the reason I haven't been getting better isn't because things in my life are getting worse, it's because whether I am aware of it or not I am continuously sabotaging myself at every turn, analysing myself in endless circles, making false revelations to try and convince myself that there is some excuse or answer to my problems.
What do I do when a part of me doesn't want me to get better even though I know that there isn't any good reason for me doing so.

Any advice from someone who has gotten through something like this would help, family and friends have failed me so far.

 

[The Clown]

Posts got merged, ignore this.

 

[Mr Companion]

My mother went through exactly what you describe mentally. If you can, see a psychiatrist or consultant. The problem could well be chemical no matter how real it all seems, some of these problems may seem larger than they are. The power of the human minds interpretation of our circumstances can come to determine our whole existence, I know you must think I am hand waving the whole thing and saying it isn't real but I understand how trapped you must feel. Mental problems are just as real as physical ones.

As for the non-psychological problems with your life if it is physical suffering from your body, let it play out and use its unrelenting blows to fashion yourself into the person you wish to be. Then once it starts to become colorless or dangerous pain see a doctor and get it cured if possible. I know that from experience, what doesn't kill you often makes you stronger, and once you come out the other end of this dark tunnel you will be forever thankful, you will never fall prey to avarice and find joy where nobody else does. Throughout all my teenage life I lived in abject suffering but if you get through it the prize is an improved yourself. Not in some bulls**t spiritual way but mentally.

Blimey I am starting to sound like a dumb poet or preacher, nevertheless see a consultants about it. Seeing a doctor or specialist about it saved me from a fate worse than death, and my mother from her own warped mind.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

I might not have the best advice, as I am exactly the same as you here (so I'll just be a hypocrite). You need to get motivated to do things. Find some kind of creative hobby to learn, and try and get out more socially. I found that the only times I've ever forgotten these feelings are when I've (usually by chance, not through any real effort) had a very active social life. Feeling lonely gives you time to think and you end up self-analysing and feeling all crap and that. I've always found that playing music is a helpful way to let out or forget about it all, for a short while.

I know getting motivated to do this stuff is hard (here's me being a hypocrite), but there's really no substitute. There's no epiphany you can have or that we can tell you to make it better, you need to find the willpower to go out and do this stuff.

 

[Frezzato]

Spoiler: Quoted to get your attention.

I could ramble on about all by "problems" in life, and there are plenty. But the details of why I am depressed are irrelevant. The problem is that even after years of being severely depressed I still can't find the willpower to actually do anything about it. I find myself overanalysing my own thought in endless circles, coming to false revelations to try and make an answer or excuse for my issues, and then I wonder where went things went wrong after continuously sabotaging myself in everything from education to relationships.

What do I do when even parts of myself don't want me to get better for reasons I know aren't true. Any advice from people who have been through depression and made it out the other side would be appreciated.

(Sorry, reposted this because I thought the first one didn't go through, please delete/ignore the first topic)

I suspect that it might behoove you to give one of these nice folks [http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/united-kingdom-suicide-hotlines.html] a call.

The simple fact that you're posting online is both a good and a bad sign I think. On the bad side, it sounds as if you're approaching a dangerous precipice, while on the good side, you're looking for information. And on that note, while I myself am not completely out 'to the other side' as you call it, I can safely say that yes, I am still here. And isn't that just the perfect metaphor for the big 'D' word, a tunnel. That means there's light on the other side, and while the distance to the end may vary, there is still a light regardless.

Spoiler: Caution: I may be shy in real life, but online I am a ranting maniac.

So now that I've established that I don't meet your one criteria, I will say that there are certain things that help. First of all, helping people makes me feel better. I help anyone that appears to be in need of it, and one surefire way to establish that is if a person is stuck on the side of the road with a broken down car. I must have helped at least 50 people in my lifetime with their rides. My personal record was finding some kids who had run out of gas on a 200-mile stretch of highway. I found them about halfway and gave one of them a ride to civilization. Even though I had just lost my job I bought him a gas tank and some fuel, while he called a friend for a ride back to his friends.

You have to understand that I grew up without religion. I don't believe in God and never had the concept of piety drilled into my head. So why would I grow up to want to help people? I instinctively knew the difference between right and wrong; I didn't need to attend sermons every weekend to remind me that it's right to help people. Was it depression that brought me here? Perhaps. Could it be that feeling depressed (I've never been officially diagnosed) ALL of my life has shaped me to be the person I am today, literally merging with my mind much in the same way that the human genome contains viruses [http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom/2012/06/14/we-are-viral-from-the-beginning/#.UP5gcyckh8E] from long ago? I would say yes, who we were and what we did obviously make us who we are today. We have to remember the mistakes of the past because otherwise we would continue to repeat them.

If you have the time, I would like for you to watch this video called The Queen of Trees. It aired on public television here in the US and I loved it so much I bought the DVD. The synopsis is there's the common fig tree in Africa. The fig tree is dependent on tiny wasps that are (ugh) impregnated while dormant inside an unripened fig. These tiny wasps break out of the figs covered in pollen and must find another unripened fig and break in. Once inside they die, eggs hatch, the fruit ripens, and the cycle continues. Unfortunately, there are parasites that infect the wasps before they're even born, leaving them with a lifespan of just a few hours. It's a cycle of life that shows one thing to be true: The point of live is to live, nothing more. Now, I'm not comparing people to tiny wasps, but you have to admit there is an undeniable beauty to every living thing. And these things all have purpose. You obviously have a purpose. Live your life, and take comfort in the fact that humans live a comparably long time. There's plenty of time for mistakes, and mistakes are like illnesses. There's an old Chinese saying: No illness, short life. One illness, long life. I honestly didn't understand what it meant until now.



Don't forget to make that call. And I noticed that you live in the UK. I think it's time you used some of that socialized medicine you've been paying for and talk to a professional. Otherwise you'll get another TL;DR from someone like me.

/insane rant

 

[Eleuthera]

snip
(Sorry, reposted this because I thought the first one didn't go through, please delete/ignore the first topic)

I merged them instead, since both had some replies.

 

[cambamuniverse]

I'd have to say I'm going through this right now, and honestly can't think of a way to stop it, which is driving me insane.

The only times I feel good are when people are around me and showing me appreciation. Which kind of sounds selfish I guess? But not in a "OH CAM, YOU'RE SO GODLY," but like, today for instance, some guy told me he wanted to have lunch with me and just hang out. It was nice, because I felt like I had someone to back me. I guess find people to support you? I don't really know and geez I wish I did. And I hate sounding so mopey and complainy but I never know what to do.