Seeking advice on getting feelings under control.
- Thread starter Wayte
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In one of my psych textbooks, it says that it's better to dig down and truly FEEL your emotions, and not to let them be repressed. I'm pretty sure that's what guys tend to do naturally, but don't do it. If you do, then it will come back to haunt you, or it will get released in a destructive manner. Like if you flick a can of pop that had been shaken up too much.
Let's face it. She was your best friend, so you already had a really strong report with her even before you started dating. Maybe you feel betrayed by her, and you're angry. If you are, but don't want to accept that, then those feelings get transformed into sadness and confusion.
But while you're digging through painful memories, it is important not to get caught up in self-pity: instead, discover WHY you feel the way that you do, and then come to terms with the fact that you have a particular emotional response. When you have a source, then you can discover a solution to it, because you're taking control of how you feel instead of letting it control you. And you can't do this just by saying to yourself "I choose not to have feelings for her anymore." Personal experience: I fell for my best friend too, but refused to accept it. Things then just kept getting worse and worse until I feared that my hidden emotions would tear us apart, but as soon as I realized that yes, I was in love with, and felt very protective of, my friend, I could get over it. Doesn't mean I still don't have some vestigial feelings, but it's not so bad that we can't spend time together.
Just a bit of psychoanalysis for you... could you hate this new boyfriend because you feel like you could be better for her than him? If you do and you recognize it, then perhaps you can have positive interactions with them because you know that how you feel about him is coming from within and not from him.
Let's face it. She was your best friend, so you already had a really strong report with her even before you started dating. Maybe you feel betrayed by her, and you're angry. If you are, but don't want to accept that, then those feelings get transformed into sadness and confusion.
But while you're digging through painful memories, it is important not to get caught up in self-pity: instead, discover WHY you feel the way that you do, and then come to terms with the fact that you have a particular emotional response. When you have a source, then you can discover a solution to it, because you're taking control of how you feel instead of letting it control you. And you can't do this just by saying to yourself "I choose not to have feelings for her anymore." Personal experience: I fell for my best friend too, but refused to accept it. Things then just kept getting worse and worse until I feared that my hidden emotions would tear us apart, but as soon as I realized that yes, I was in love with, and felt very protective of, my friend, I could get over it. Doesn't mean I still don't have some vestigial feelings, but it's not so bad that we can't spend time together.
Just a bit of psychoanalysis for you... could you hate this new boyfriend because you feel like you could be better for her than him? If you do and you recognize it, then perhaps you can have positive interactions with them because you know that how you feel about him is coming from within and not from him.
This is probably bad advice but it worked for me. I got rip snorting drunk every time I started feeling bad and eventually I ended up feeling good because I knew I was going to get smashed. Once that occurred I just kind of stopped drinking except on weekends.
Uhhh... that is not a good way to handle things there buddy, maybe you feel better now because you associate getting sad with getting drunk. However your still drinking because your feeling depressed and thats never good. But it's good that common sense got the best of you and you stoppedkannibus said:
And to Wayte, ty I try. Overall though dont let this situation get the best of you and I hope things work out for the best
Whiskey generally helped me in situations like these.
But I don't want to be that guy who gives the worlds worst advice, so;
Go out huntin' for another girl. So this one didn't work, big deal. Your feelings will fade in time, and soon you will find another girl. Just don't let yourself sit out of the dating scene too long, or you'll wallow in self-pity and be a bitter man before you know it.
But I don't want to be that guy who gives the worlds worst advice, so;
Go out huntin' for another girl. So this one didn't work, big deal. Your feelings will fade in time, and soon you will find another girl. Just don't let yourself sit out of the dating scene too long, or you'll wallow in self-pity and be a bitter man before you know it.
Yeah, I know it's a bad solution. But it was only a temporary thing. I take a view on it like this:Asturiel said:Uhhh... that is not a good way to handle things there buddy, maybe you feel better now because you associate getting sad with getting drunk. However your still drinking because your feeling depressed and thats never good. But it's good that common sense got the best of you and you stoppedkannibus said:
And to Wayte, ty I try. Overall though dont let this situation get the best of you and I hope things work out for the best
When you catch a cold you swallow some painkillers and wait for everything to work itself out. I considered alcohol to have the exact same function as said painkiller. After a couple of weeks, I didn't need to drink anymore. Now it's a complete opposite. I don't associate getting sad with getting drunk, I associate getting drunk with getting sad. Because the one time I came home smashed out of my mind, my wife gave me a tongue lashing the likes of which I will never forget. Only after a week of seeing how miserably pathetic I had gotten did she relent and forgive me.
Realize that these emotions happen, and then realize that you will get over it. You just have to rough it out. Put things in perspective
Then buy yourself some strippers
A: You shouldn't be trying to date ANY girl who you're friends with. It almost never works, because it's next to impossible to get out of the 'friend zone'. If a woman sees a man as a friend, she'll almost never see him as relationship material. Try to look at it as a learning experience. It happens to a lot of people. There's no reason to beat yourself up about it, just don't try to date your female friends next time (no matter how much you want to).
B: Of course you hate the guy she's dating. Not to call you out on being petty, but you're bound to have negative feelings about any guy who's involved with a girl you want to be involved with. It's okay to have these feelings, but you have to handle them maturely. Don't be mean to him, don't try to fight him, don't pull pranks on him. As long as he's not hurting your friend, you should just let him be.
C: Move on, and redirect your emotions. If you find someone else that you really like, you'll probably forget about your previous relationship pretty fast. If you're not prepared to do that, then tough it out. Like most of the other responders have said, it'll get easier over time.
It may also help to get into some non-relationship stuff, and focus on that for a while. Got any hobbies? Do any sports? Want to learn how to juggle?
B: Of course you hate the guy she's dating. Not to call you out on being petty, but you're bound to have negative feelings about any guy who's involved with a girl you want to be involved with. It's okay to have these feelings, but you have to handle them maturely. Don't be mean to him, don't try to fight him, don't pull pranks on him. As long as he's not hurting your friend, you should just let him be.
C: Move on, and redirect your emotions. If you find someone else that you really like, you'll probably forget about your previous relationship pretty fast. If you're not prepared to do that, then tough it out. Like most of the other responders have said, it'll get easier over time.
It may also help to get into some non-relationship stuff, and focus on that for a while. Got any hobbies? Do any sports? Want to learn how to juggle?