Sell the user above you!

[EeveeElectro]

This is a silly idea I had which I hope will take off.
It originates from my drama lessons where we could see how well we could improvise and make things up on the spot.

I want your best sales pitch to sell the poster above you! Say anything you want but lets not be too cruel - you're trying to convince people to buy them after all. Be silly, be serious, make it up, tell true stories, mention avatars or names or post count if you want.

I'll start with an example.

Why should you buy IPunchKittens89? Despite his fairly illegal and strange username he does in fact saves kittens from rivers and gives them a home! Not only that but he has the confidence to call people out on trolling! Wouldn't you love that, your very own troll alarm?! I'm sure he'd just love to cook and clean around the house for you whilst you're at work too.
Buy now for the low payment of £39.99 for three months and we'll throw in his avatar of a flying towel in a wig in for completely FREE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? CALL NOW!

 

[Euryalus]

I...uh... Oh god the pressure... Buy one and get a free hat? No, no... Maybe... Yes that'll work!

Ahem! Ladies and Gentlemen! She can cook, clean, knows Brazilian jiu-jitsu, makes home brew, and is a genuine wish granting genie!

<..>

Head on, apply directly to the forehead.

 

[thesilentman]

Toad of Truth... Perfectly usable in alchemy!

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

thesilentman... A quiet companion to take on adventures with! He doesn't complain, swear or cough. $999.31

 

[Euryalus]

Redlin5! Just look at the size of that post count w00t! Ladies

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

If you need to scare kids off your lawn, look no further than T0ad 0f Truth!

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

Don't let the name fool you, she's barely troublesome at all!

(Also free if you haul her away)

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

I WILL PAY YOU IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY.

 

[scorptatious]

Only 50 bucks people! Only 50 bucks and you can have this lovely specimen of a forum goer! You can even give him a name because he's not giving us one.

 

[Teoes]

Roll up, roll up! It's a.. bat winged.. penguin.. thing. It looks like a Pokemans! You want to buy a Pokemans! You there, Sir! Oh, sorry Madame. Does your son pester you for a Pokemans? Well fret no longer, for you can take this very.. thing.. home with you tonight!

That'll be $499.99.


[sub][sub][sub]Cash only or pay by credit in 8 easy installments of $99.99 per month. Terms and conditions apply. No refunds accepted. Accessories sold separately, not by me and through no official, sanctioned, regulated or legal sources. Purchase is most definitely necessary. Seller accepts no responsibility when product goes berserk and murders your family. Don't look now, while my associate finishes stealing your wallet.[/sub][/sub][/sub]

 

[Dr.Susse]

Have you needed more e in your life recently?

Well if you buy a Teoes today you'll have more e's than a blind man has stubbed toes. You'll have so much e that people will talk behind your back and throw bricks through your e filled windows in protest of the ludicrous amount of e that you now have taking up most of the space in your lounge room.

 

[EeveeElectro]

You'd have to be insane to not buy Dr.Susse. He'll come out with quips that will make you spit your tea out like 'more e's than a blind man has stubbed toes'! Buy now and we'll throw in his thrilling and adventurous avatar! Keep watching because something is bound to happ-zzzzzzzz.

 

[Neuromancer]

And here we have the last speciment for the day, EeveeElectro! That's right, folks, the very person that created this bazaar has become one of its excibits, and now can be YOURS*! You, good sir, yes, you, with the monocle, you look like a man that loves to collect items of value, do you not? Well look no further, my dear man, because whatever you want, she has: Beauty, smarts, cucumbers, you goooooot it! And if you don't want any of that, you can always sell her with profit in 20 years as an antique! It's a foulproof plan right here, folks!

*[small]Avatar not included and sold seperately, you cheap fucks![/small]

 

[Headsprouter]

Laydeez and Gennelmen! I present to you: Neuromancer! Fitted with a state of the art "Pondering man" avatar system, Sega Mega Drive, apathy dispenser and if that wasn't enough, he's GREEK!! Snazzy! Yours now for only £199.99! Don't delay, buy today!

 

[Teoes]

Headsproutaaaa! Twofurrapoouunnd. Headsproutaaaa! Twofurrapoouunnd.

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

Need a sped up blurry faced man for your horror film? Look no further than Teoes! Only $20! For this price, you can't go wrong!
[sup]Face blurriness not contagious![/sup]

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

Why get a tan when you can just stand next to this specimen, and let contrast do the work for you?!

Or just cut off her feet for good luck.

(Supplies are limited.)

 

[kailus13]

Take this Mossberg Shotty, only a dollar! He's got a dollar taped to his face, so you get him for free! Please take him, he's scaring away all the customers.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

It's the brand new kailus, 2013 model! Complete with energy blasters, surgical equipment and the most adorable leather seating on the market!

 

[Neuromancer]

Want to start a new forum, but are afraid that it will turn into a wretched hive of scum and villainy? Then look no further, good sir, because do *I* have something for you! Allow me to introduce you to... TopazFusion*! You see him now, a veteran, of a thousand forum wars. He's been living on the edge so long, where the winds of limbo roar! He'll take care of your spam bot, trolls, fundamentalists and republicans, GUARANTEED**.

[sub]*You'll have to supply him with your own banhammer and the avatar's not included, you damn pigs![/sub]
[sub]**No refunds allowed.[/sub]