I lifted my head drowsily. I'd drifted to sleep again. But who could blame me with courses as dull as this one? When I received the invitation to this academy, I thought I'd be getting a bit more exposure to the arts, treasure, heavy weaponry. Not...ugh, bovine studies.
Hm, don't remember any of the classrooms being this loud. And did the desk always move like this? What's that loud slamming sound? It's rather distracting. I rubbed my eyes and looked up.
"Morning, sleepyhead!" Tat beamed from behind the maestro's desk. "I'm here to kill ya!"
"That so?" I squinted at the board behind her. "Did you steal that board from accoutrement studies?"
"Borrowed. But-"
"If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times. Let me have half the take when you steal something."
Tat glanced away sheepishly. "I can't believe you're blowing off my first-ever assassination..."
"Come again?"
The cat put on a pouty face and poked a claw in my direction. "I went to ALL this trouble to make your death as incredible as possible - had to spend half the advance pay on the conveyor belt alone. But NO, you have to make it all about you, don't you!"
"What, somebody paid you to kill me?" I frowned, disappointed. "They provide a reason?"
"No."
"A face?"
"...No."
"But they paid up front?"
"...I had to borrow some funds from our account to flesh out payment for the conveyor belt."
"I'm afraid to ask how much you n-"
"All of it." Tat waved away my concerns with a jaunty flick of her pointer. "That's not important! I've been hired to kill ya, and Tat always gets her man! Now sit there quietly while I start the lesson."
"Lesson?"
Tat's face lit up with pride. "Better believe it! We're going to cover all the cool things that're involved in this assassination, starting with the belt, the bottomless pit, the crusher," she added with a flourish, indicating the convoluted mechanism at the end of the conveyor belt.
"Very convoluted," I remarked.
"Thank you. Then there's the river of tigersharks, couldn't afford the piranhas," she continued. "The guillotine of mystery-"
"What's that supposed to do?"
"I can't spoil that," she winked. "Then the 'exfoliation' room, the pool of piranhas-"
"How much more will this be?" I interrupted, fearing the answer I'd get.
Tat hoisted a heavy tome onto the instructor's desk and let it drop with a menacing thud. "It's a bit of a preamble, but we're getting into the electrocution section now."
"And how fast is this conveyor belt moving?"
"A nauseating two inches per minute. Why?"
"No reason. And where was this bottomless pit?"
"At the end of the belt. You can save questions for the end of the lecture, Leorina," Tat chided.
I sighed and stood up slowly, stretching my legs. Tat watched me turn around and stride towards the pit. "H-hey! I wanna get to the good parts, first, Leorina. A tiger! I got...I almost got a tiger and it's been hungry for a week, and-c'mon, Leo!"
Her words fell on deaf ears; I peered down at the embracing darkness of the pit, pondering for a second, and leapt in.
Tat screamed. "LEO! Noooo!" She clutched the edges of the desk, shouting, "I need your body to get the rest of the payment! If you die, your insurance won't cover the piranhas!"
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