Sexual Guilt

[Mossberg Shotty]

I'm not really sure how to start this, to be honest. I guess a bit of exposition couldn't hurt.

Ok, here goes. I'm 18 and I'm pretty sure I lost my virginity earlier tonight. It wasn't exactly the experience I was expecting. I guess I should start at the beginning. Yesterday I was hanging out with my really good friend, as we both had the day off. After doing the usual routine, driving around, getting something to eat, etc. we end up at the house of one of his female friends. All three of us end up sitting on her bed and talking for a couple of hours. We exchanged numbers, as is customary when meeting friends of friends. She seemed kind of enamored with me, to the point of actually grabbing my genitals through my jeans on a couple of occasions. And considering that I'm a fairly conservative guy who's only been in two relationships, I blushed harder than a Victorian gentleman in a lingerie store. It starts getting a bit on the late side so we call it a night, and I drive my friend home before going home myself to go to sleep.

Fast-forward to today and she calls me saying that I left something over there. My inhaler, to be exact. I have more than one, (I like to keep a six month supply around just because I'm paranoid.) but I still wanted to get that one back. So I drive to her house and crawl through her bedroom window, because despite being the same age as me, she still lives with a parent. And heres where things get a bit... graphic.

After giving me back my wayward possession, we get to talking. One thing leads to another, and we end up making out on her bed. Something I'm no stranger to, but I've never really done anything beyond that. And suddenly, for the first time in my life, I'm on the receiving end of some oral sex. And no, the point of this thread isn't to brag or anything, I'm not particularly proud. Anyways, I reacted the way I think most people would. I didn't put up too much of a fight, what with hormones and such. But in the blink of an eye, ecstasy faded to panic, shame and disillusionment.

I didn't know how to react, to be honest. I got dressed and we talked and hugged for a bit. I stayed for about another five or ten minutes, all the while avoiding her advances, because all desire I had to be with anyone was pretty much gone. So I made my excuses, said goodbye and staggered out of her window and towards my car, which was discreetly parked a ways away from her house. I felt so bad about leaving so soon. "Nail and bail" I think it's called. I try to process everything that happened, and she's calling me on my phone all the while. Eventually the pressure just builds and I tell her that everything that happened was a mistake, and I wasn't looking for a relationship. I told her that I was sorry and still wanted to be friends, but I don't really think that's a possibility.

So basically that was my first sexual experience and I just feel empty and disillusioned. But maybe that's my fault for romanticizing how things really work, it just didn't happen the way I pictured it would. I feel like I took advantage of someone and that I now have to abandon all pretensions of being a decent person. All I feel is guilt.

So that brings me to my point. Have any of you Escapists had similar experiences? Was your first encounter the same way, and this is just normal? Am I an asshole for what I did? I appreciate any feedback I get, even if it reflects badly on me.

Also, Mods please feel free to delete this thread if you feel it appropriate, my intention isn't to be obscene, I only want perspective and discussion.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Coming off fairy-tale poisoning?

I mean, yeah, we all know that sex isn't like how it's depicted in endless terrible movies and so on, but we often still believe things we know not to be true.

But...guilty? Well...if you don't want to be in a relationship, you don't have to be, you should feel under no obligation.

OTOH, yeah, really really awkward. If she's upset, you're not going to feel good about it.

 

[william12123]

I had a friend who had a similar experience. It basically ruined his relationship with that girl and left him feeling quite uncomfortalbe for a while.

I think their are a fair amount of men (and you seem included) that treat sex as something a lot more special and intimate than the "vocal majority" of men (who would have sex at the drop of a hat). Ultimately, sex isnt a necessary thing in a relationship, and nobody (INCLUDING MEN DESPITE WHAT POPULAR CULTURE WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE) should feel forced to have sex.

At least this experience has taught you more about yourself. It's good to know what boundaries you have.

And to answer your question: 2) I have not had a first encounter yet, and I see what you went through is very uncomfortable. 3) You are NOT an asshole. You dont "owe" anything to someone who forced themselves on you, even if you reciprocated. However, that "let's still be friends" thing is a bit assholish. You should at least be honest about with them about why you feel uncomfortable. If they make fun of you for it, then they're an asshole, and forget them. Otherwise, it's a chance for them to learn certain behaviors arent universaly accepted.

 

[Wickatricka]

I've always had the fear that if I had sex with someone I would not feel the same as them. Like after I masturbate I just feel blank (maybe its all the dopamine rushing to my brain) and really have no feels at all. I feel like I would not feel anything toward the other person and that all I wanted was the physical part. Kind of sad actually because I've never been able to hang on to a relationship for very long. I have no idea if theres any escapist physiologist's on here but I would like to know what these symptoms might be. At least a broad idea.

 

[RickyChinese]

Uh, think you're gonna have to marry this girl dude. She's had your inhaler in her room.

On the real though, it was just head and it doesn't sound like she was interested in anything platonic.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

I've always had the fear that if I had sex with someone I would not feel the same as them. Like after I masturbate I just feel blank (maybe its all the dopamine rushing to my brain) and really have no feels at all. I feel like I would not feel anything toward the other person and that all I wanted was the physical part. Kind of sad actually because I've never been able to hang on to a relationship for very long. I have no idea if theres any escapist physiologist's on here but I would like to know what these symptoms might be. At least a broad idea.

So...what are you supposed to "feel" when you masturbate? Are you supposed to feel like you're in love with the porn star you're watching while you fap? Are you supposed to feel enamored with your right hand? I'm serious, exactly what feelings are you expecting to have, and where are these feelings supposed to be directed when you're doing the horizontal mambo by yourself?

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

However, that "let's still be friends" thing is a bit assholish. You should at least be honest about with them about why you feel uncomfortable.

Yea, I'm not going to say that that's the biggest regret I'm gonna take away from this, but I do wish I had said something different. I know it's just a clichéd face-saving line, but I honestly didn't know what else to say. Chalk it up to experience I suppose.

 

[william12123]

As a person who's been told that line a few times, it's just not a fun thing. I can understand that it's uncomfortable to outright reject someone, but at least it's less confusing than the "I like you, but not like-like you" message that "let's still be friends" is.

But as I said, you dont owe her anything, so just be aware of that in the future.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

The way you describe it, it seems she kinda forced a blowjob you didn't want in the first place. Awkward as hell but hardly the end of the world.

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

The way you describe it, it seems she kinda forced a blowjob you didn't want in the first place. Awkward as hell but hardly the end of the world.

I might not be explaining things right. I mean, how hard would it have been to stop? I was going along with things of my own free will, though admittedly I wasn't really expecting that. I can't exactly claim innocence.

 

[DefunctTheory]

Here's something you need to understand about sex. It's not special. It works just like everything else in the universe.

It's exactly what you put into it.

If you romanticize it, then the experience will be judged solely on that merit. If your just out for the fuzzy feelings deep in your groin, then that's what you'll get.

What I'm saying is that it's all in your head space. I felt like that the first time I had sex too, though I luckily wasn't in a position where I had to 'dine and dash,' as it were.

Try to channel your younger self - remember a simpler time, when all you needed to do to get a drooling grin on your face was to get the round peg into the round hole on your play set.

Because that's all sex has to be, really. I know its a tough transition, but I think you'll find your adult sex life when get noticeably easier and more amusing if you can do so. Besides, you might as well look at it like a game of peg and holes.

Both of them end with the same stupid grin on your face.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

The way you describe it, it seems she kinda forced a blowjob you didn't want in the first place. Awkward as hell but hardly the end of the world.

I might not be explaining things right. I mean, how hard would it have been to stop? I was going along with things of my own fee will, though admittedly I wasn't really expecting that. I can't exactly claim innocence.

You were a bit vague about this in the OP but did you or did you not climax? That's what I understood by "...in the blink of an eye, ecstasy faded to panic, shame and disillusionment", but you were deliberately vague on the issue. If you did, leaving like that would be "rather" rude, even though you were obviously freaked out and confused. If you didn't, I think you're in the clear, regarding etiquette. Either way you probably wanna talk it out and apologize. Even if you don't have to, it'll make you feel better. I mean you did play along for a little while, right?

 

[mitchell271]

Don't be ashamed of it, just learn from it. I lost mine back in October to a girl I barely knew and later became friends with. I was in the same camp as you, feeling kind of disappointed, disillusioned and kind of silly. It's normal to feel that way after all the talking from friends, the near incessant blathering on about it in pop culture (especially in the west) and the 18 years of build-up from porn/masturbation. If you want it to feel special though later, you just have to imagine it that way and try it with someone you really care about, which is my current situation. To me, the sex is a lot better because I feel confident around my significant other and comfortable enough to explain and try things.

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

You were a bit vague about this in the OP but did you or did you not climax? That's what I understood by "...in the blink of an eye, ecstasy faded to panic, shame and disillusionment", but you were deliberately vague on the issue. If you did, leaving like that would be "rather" rude, even though you were obviously freaked out and confused. If you didn't, I think you're in the clear, regarding etiquette. Either way you probably wanna talk it out and apologize. Even if you don't have to, it'll make you feel better. I mean you did play along for a little while, right?

Sorry, I wasn't deliberately being vague, lets just chalk it up to modesty. But yes, your interpretation was correct, and I felt terrible about splitting on her. But I did stick around for a couple of minutes after, so I guess that at least makes it a little better? I did apologize later, for whatever that's worth.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

You were a bit vague about this in the OP but did you or did you not climax? That's what I understood by "...in the blink of an eye, ecstasy faded to panic, shame and disillusionment", but you were deliberately vague on the issue. If you did, leaving like that would be "rather" rude, even though you were obviously freaked out and confused. If you didn't, I think you're in the clear, regarding etiquette. Either way you probably wanna talk it out and apologize. Even if you don't have to, it'll make you feel better. I mean you did play along for a little while, right?

Sorry, I wasn't deliberately being vague, lets just chalk it up to modesty. But yes, your interpretation was correct, and I felt terrible about splitting on her. But I did stick around for a couple of minutes after, so I guess that at least makes it a little better? I did apologize later, for whatever that's worth.

Your first time is always awkward and confusing. Forget everything American Pie taught you, it doesn't have to be special and heartwarming. You're not going to marry the first girl that gives head (you don't have to anyway). You panicked, you fled, not the best of reactions but OK, you were out of your element. Just so you know though, it's more or less common decency to stick around after the fact. Doing it and jumping ship is obviously going to make you feel guilty, and it'll make her feel bad.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Well, you didn't really lose you virginity if it was oral sex.

Secondly, unless you told her or gave her the impression that you would be interested in more then you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Not being interested in her isn't your fault, you would only be at fault if you intentionally misled her.

Saying everything was a mistake was a bit harsh though, it probably would have been nicer to say that you enjoyed the time together but that you aren't interested in anything more or anything serious.

 

[Norithics]

Haha, ahhh, first times. Always weird, awkward, and a volcano of emotional diarrhea.

Also, sex makes everybody stupid when it happens. You were a little verbally clumsy, but all of this is just a crossroads in your journey to self-discovery. Don't regret it, just try to learn from it!

 

[Rawberry101]

A girl wanted to give you a blow job? On no I feel so bad for you....

On the real though, first times are like that. Although it wasn't actual sex. I think most people would still consider you a virgin if that was bothering you. I'd rather not be specific about my sex life even anonymously on the internet but your first bj sounds better than mine.

There's nothing wrong with it, if you felt shame because you didn't want it to be with just any girl I understand. It's all a matter of perspective really, and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty, it's not like you forced yourself on her. You also should try to feel a little less guilty about leaving, you were being earnest and stayed longer than some guys would, especially in this awkward instance where a parent was home. I mean it's not like you were gonna cuddle afterwards. Life is strange sometimes.

 

[Jadak]

First things first, as others have probably mentioned: You have not lost your virginity. Oral sex, despite the name may be a sexual act, but is not sex. (Note: Whether or not she swallowed has no bearing on this, but clarification on this point is welcome for high-five related purposes)

Anyways, I'm not getting the problem..

I mean, I get the guilt after the fact, seeing as you bailed on her after getting some head like an asshole. But.. Why did you feel bad after the oral, exactly?

Do you not like this girl? Perhaps I missed part of your post explaining how you weren't actually interested in this girl, in which case sure, you should feel bad about letting her blow you just to ditch her afterwards, but if not, what was the problem? Why not return the favor and carry on, why are you bothered about any of what you describe?

The only thing you should be ashamed of is the fact that you've left her, not that you did anything in the first place.

In any case, whatever man. If you're into her, get the fuck back there, apologize for being an ass and pursue relationship related options. If not, quit whining and move on. You'll feel bad for a while, sure. Suck it up, you stop caring as much once you get involved with someone new, so look forward to that.

 

[BarbaricGoose]

I think it was Louie C.K. who said that "Losing your virginity is just supposed to be this stupid, tragic, silly moment and you only get it once."

But you only got a blowjob! You're still a virgin, so it doesn't even apply to you. Maybe you are an asshole for what you did, but you've got still about 6 - 8 years of maturing ahead of you; kids are assholes, and if that's the worst thing you've done, you're doing better than I was. You apologized, so just chalk it up to childhood and move on. Seriously, this isn't a real problem.

Although, you could've at least given her oral too.

And I'd like to add that I don't think anyone's first time is particularly romantic. Nope. For most of us it's, as Louie said, a tragic, silly, stupid mistake. And after we make that mistake, we're free to move on with our tragic, silly, stupid lives.