Sharing a Personal Realization

[theblindedhunter]

Escapists! I recently had a breakthrough, I think, in how I understand myself and my feelings. Normally this is something I would keep to myself, and maybe talk to just a few select friends about, but with some of those friends in danger of being mad to feel bad about it if I did share it, and since I am fairly interested in people's personal discoveries and epiphanies, I thought other people might be interested as well.

If you're not especially interested in emotion-related stuff, or hearing about other people sounding slightly miserable about their lives (but really I'm not, I promise, I just wanted to communicate a bit of the sensation involved with what I mention below), you'll probably want to turn back.
Also, if I sound like an ass, or you think I'm wrong, anything like that, feel free to say so. I'd hate to accidentally be being an ass without realizing it, and don't like to continue wrong thinking! (Also it's not terribly edited or anything, so I may miscommunicate myself.)

Anyway, without more ado, a personal epiphany:
One of the oddest feelings, for me, is the desire to be mad. I've never quite understood it, but there are times in my life where, considering a situation, I'm not angry, but wish I could be for once. Just once. I think I've finally realized why.
Typically, I don't get mad - or at least I don't get any sort of mad that I would label as such. I may get frustrated at times, and perhaps exasperated, but these are just emotions in the moment, and to me true anger is something you hold, keep with you, and act on. That's just not something I tend to do. Confronted with situations that ought to make me angry, I think, like getting canceled on for the 5th time of trying to hang out with a good friend when I needed to talk, like being forced to work late and corrected the mistakes of a group member in a project who really doesn't get it, or like not getting a chance to be what I want to be with the person I love. All of these are real things from my life, and all of them I just don't get angry about. Instead I understand. I nod, consider it, and I see where they are coming from. I know that my wishes don't supercede their own and shouldn't unless they want them to. And I'm happy with that.
But I wish I could get mad. Just one of those times. I used to think that I wanted to because to not get angry makes me feel like I'm some emotionless machine. Or maybe that it was because I felt that people might just not realize that I am affected by these things. But no, I think I realize what it is really about...
It feels like no one cares about me sometimes. Sure, they care enough to be friends, to talk sometimes, or listen, but it seems rare that someone truly cares, that some one takes a step out of their comfort zone to do something for me, that some one drops their wishes to persue mine - something I'd be glad to do for many of my friends any time. And, when I don't get angry, I want to be because it feels like I don't care either, and maybe once, just that once, it would feel like someone did.

Thanks for reading, those who did!

 

[Sandernista]

No, thank you for sharing.

I have a very similar experience but for some reason I attempt to stretch out my anger. I think I do it because everyone around me seems to really hold onto some anger for so long and I want to fit in.

For the most part though I really just feel defeated.

 

[White Lightning]

That was really boring. "Well no one asked you White Lightning" Yes you did it's right there in your post.

I personally ignore emotions, as they make me confused and I don't like that. Unfortunately this is very difficult to do and (for the most part) leaves me in a constant state of blind rage and confusion, so I can assure you being angry all the time isn't all that fun because people tend to avoid you or try (and immediatly regret) to tease you.

 

[aba1]

I strongly relate to you guys. When I was younger and I was in situation when I felt I was supposed to be angry about I would go out of my way just to act angry just because it felt like that was what I should do. When I get heated I have a really easy time just stopping shrugging and not caring at all.

I think my girlfriend gets frustrated with me sometimes because of this. When she is really upset she will be crying yelling and all I can think is how it doesn't really make sense and how can I get it over with. She gets more upset sometimes just because I am not getting all upset back.

Its a funny thing watching people around you always using there emotions to effect their judgements. I get a little frustrated sometimes just seeing how people decide things I find myself constantly asking why they need to judge or care. I just don't get why people always feel the need to get so emotionally invested in things that matter so little.

 

[MeChaNiZ3D]

I sometimes wish I could hold a grudge. I've let people off the hook a lot of times just by leaving it a day. I can, and do, get angry in the moment, and I had a reputation enough for it, but I rarely hate people 'properly'. But what it comes down to is the world needs every kind of person to compliment every other, on a small scale. My role is to teach people a lesson and give them a second chance afterwards, whether I want to or not. We can't all be Batman.

 

[Olas]

You sound like an ass.

No, no you don't, I was kidding. Because of what you said... [sub][sub]I'm sorry[/sub][/sub] [sub][sub][sub][sub]so... so sorry[/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub] [sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub]Wow, you can really make text small[/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub] [sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub]My god it's like microbial. Is there like a bottom to this?[/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub][sub]To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause: there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, The insolence of office and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscover'd country from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action. - Soft you now! The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons Be all my sins remember'd.[/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub]

Wait, I'm confused. So why can't you get angry? I keep rereading the end of the post and I can't figure out what you're trying to say. Like is this just really deep and I'm too shallow to understand?

 

[King Billi]

You can only get really angry at people and issues you deeply care about in my experience, no one else is important enough to waste that kind of effort or emotion on.

Perhaps you really don't care... I know I don't except for a very select few people and they're the only people I think who truly deserve my attention even if it is angry attention.

Whatever this was your epiphany...