Should I come out to my boyfriend?

[agrajagthetesty]

I am a bisexual girl currently in a relationship with a guy. We've been together for over six months and all is going well, we seem very compatible and haven't had any fights. But I'm starting to get worried about the fact that I haven't come out to him. I haven't taken any steps to hide my sexuality, just haven't mentioned it, and I'm torn over whether or not I should. On the one hand I want to be honest and open, don't want to hide anything, and think he'd deserve to know if he wanted to. On the other hand, I don't want to give him any wrong impressions about why I'm telling him, since it's not relevant to the relationship I have with him. I'm also nervous about coming out after I had a bad reaction from my mother, which might give him the impression that it's a bigger deal than I actually think it is. And although he's said he's fine with LGBT people, his parents are homophobic, and I don't want to give him the stress of having to keep my sexuality a secret from them.

What do you think? If you were in his situation, would you want to know? If you were in mine, would you tell him?

 

[Vonnis]

Just tell him. If you don't, you'll stress about whether you should or shouldn't more and more and that's going to put a whole lot more strain on your relationship than being honest. Just make sure he understands you're not telling him this because you want a menage a trois. Unless you do, of course.

 

[Svenparty]

How serious is it? Six months isn't a long time but if you feel you MUST tell him then go for it. If he doesnt understand that's his problem but I have a feeling he'll be dancing in the street(anyone going to link that in here or is this a sensitive forum?)

 

[agrajagthetesty]

How serious is it? Six months isn't a long time but if you feel you MUST tell him then go for it. If he doesnt understand that's his problem but I have a feeling he'll be dancing in the street(anyone going to link that in here or is this a sensitive forum?)

See, if he's happy about it then he'll have completely misunderstood my motives for telling him. I get that you were being slightly facetious, but it's important to me that he understands that my sexuality really doesn't affect our relationship. I'm not going to be with another girl while I'm with him, no matter what the circumstances.

As for the seriousness, it's the longest relationship I've been in so I can't say comparatively. But he seems serious about it, and like I said, I think we really work together.

 

[BrassButtons]

If it's not going to impact your relationship at all then I wouldn't worry about it too much. You aren't trying to hide it, so if it comes up it comes up. No reason to treat this differently than any other random fact about yourself.

 

[Dr. Pepper Unlimited]

What do you think? If you were in his situation, would you want to know? If you were in mine, would you tell him?

I've been in this situation before. I actually didn't tell my girlfriend I was bisexual (I am male) for about 1 1/2 years because, as you mentioned before, it really doesn't have anything to do with the relationship at hand. I never hid mine either, but I never really brought it up. Eventually it did, and now she knows. She was a bit annoyed that I never told her, but I still stood by the notion that bisexuality and telling/not telling really has no bearings on your current relationship. You're still the same person whether they know or don't know. So, really, nothing would change otherwise.

If you think your boyfriend will be okay with it (and from your post he seems to be), then I see no harm in telling him. He should understand. I wouldn't really feel guilty about him keeping it from his otherwise homophobic family though, since those types of discussions don't typically come up, especially with a homophobic surrounding.

So, if you feel the need to tell him, go for it, but it's not something you need to tell anyone, so don't feel guilty if you don't.

 

[SirDoom]

Joke answer- If you phrase it in the form of "Let's have a three-way with another girl", then I'm sure he'll take it well ^_^

Real answer- If you think he should know, tell him. Although the one problem I see here is that if I was in his shoes, and you brought it up in a serious "I need to tell you something..." manner, I would assume I'm being told for a reason other than just to let me know. So, I'd advise against a serious talk on the matter. If anything, just let it slip casually into conversation. That'll give off the impression that it isn't a serious matter, which it isn't.

In his position though, assuming you avoid the obvious problems mentioned above, I wouldn't react badly or anything. It would be another interesting thing to know about my girl, which is always a positive. It's not something I would HAVE to know though, so don't feel obligated to rush bringing it up.

 

[DarkishFriend]

If you tell him straight up that your sexual preference will not change the fidelity of the relationship then he should be ok with it. If he isn't it's better off he found out sooner than later. If it is truly you and something you can't change and he couldn't live with it, it would be far better to just tell him now before you both get more invested.

Also, I have a small query. Are you...crazy? I know this is probably stereotypical but every Bi girl I've dated, hell every bi girl I've met has been batshit crazy.

 

[dmase]

There is no better way to tell him then with a fellow bisexual female there... no joking. Sit there and say hey this is my friend stacy... oh yeah i'm bi and see where that take the three of you.

If he's accepted his parents are homophobic I don't think it would be hard for him to avoid it. When your parents meet there might be a problem but that would be it.

 

[agrajagthetesty]

Also, I have a small query. Are you...crazy? I know this is probably stereotypical but every Bi girl I've dated, hell every bi girl I've met has been batshit crazy.

"Crazy" is such a demeaning word. I prefer "unconventional".

 

[BloatedGuppy]

As someone who has dated multiple bisexual women (and like you, it never once affected our relationships - they were entirely monogamous while I was seeing them.) I can't see a reason not to tell. It's honestly not that big of a deal.

This. I've dated multiple bisexual women as well, and to be honest it's just not that newsworthy. At this point I'm almost a little surprised when they're not bisexual, it seems like that's "business as usual". Unless you're actively petitioning to have "one of each" I don't see how it affects your relationship any more than if you told him you liked dating both tall and short people.

 

[Terminal Blue]

It shouldn't be an issue..

This is not to say it won't be. A lot of guys are okay with female bisexuality right up to the point where they actually work out that it's a real thing and not just something you find in magazines. The biggest risk is that he becomes worried that he might not be able to give you everything you want, or that he might assume that you want a less serious relationship. But overall, I don't think it's ever going to be a deal breaker - you can talk through any issues, and it sounds like you'll feel better for it.

On the other hand it's not something he desperately 'needs' to know unless your last girlfriend had a thing for used needles and bloodplay, so there's no pressing reason to come out right now or to feel like you're being dishonest by just leaving it unsaid. It's completely up to you.

So basically, think about whether you really want to 'come out' in the traditional sense of sitting him down or if you'd rather wait for it to come out 'naturally', and do whichever feels most comfortable. But there's no good reason not to tell him, and even if he reacts badly in any way he's committed enough that he'll probably see sense and be a better person for it. You have to trust him and your relationship in that regard.

 

[CODE-D]

Do you wanna threesome or is there someone else? I dont really understand if you like him so much why this is such a problem unless its somethin along those lines.

 

[Lilani]

I am a bisexual girl currently in a relationship with a guy. We've been together for over six months and all is going well, we seem very compatible and haven't had any fights. But I'm starting to get worried about the fact that I haven't come out to him. I haven't taken any steps to hide my sexuality, just haven't mentioned it, and I'm torn over whether or not I should. On the one hand I want to be honest and open, don't want to hide anything, and think he'd deserve to know if he wanted to. On the other hand, I don't want to give him any wrong impressions about why I'm telling him, since it's not relevant to the relationship I have with him. I'm also nervous about coming out after I had a bad reaction from my mother, which might give him the impression that it's a bigger deal than I actually think it is. And although he's said he's fine with LGBT people, his parents are homophobic, and I don't want to give him the stress of having to keep my sexuality a secret from them.

What do you think? If you were in his situation, would you want to know? If you were in mine, would you tell him?

I think you're in a pretty good situation really, if he's okay with it. If you plan for the relationship to be long term, then go for it. Just tell him that you want him to know because you love and trust him, and that it's a part of you he deserves to know about.

As for his parents, they aren't really the ones who need to like you, are they? I'm sure he will have the restraint to avoid telling them, ESPECIALLY since he knows it would be a problem. They would probably find out eventually, but for the time being do your best to not give them any other reasons to dislike you. If they are fond of you when they find out you're bi, it MIGHT just manage to soften their reaction a bit. Or at the very least increase your chances of getting in their good graces again.

But again, if it's not an issue with him, that's all that really matters. Being on good terms with the family is nice and will make things easier for the both of you, but it's not really necessary if you two can handle it.

 

[FilipJPhry]

If it's really scratching at your head, tell him. If you think it actually doesn't bother the way you're around him, spare his ego and don't tell him.

 

[bizentine]

Your sexuality, beyond being sexually attracted to him, is completely irrelevant. If it comes up, don't hesitate or make a big deal of it, just tell him openly and honestly. If it doesn't come up, what's the difference?

 

[agrajagthetesty]

Do you wanna threesome or is there someone else? I dont really understand if you like him so much why this is such a problem unless its somethin along those lines.

Neither of the above. I'm hesitant to tell him because I'm worried he'd also assume I had motives along those lines. I actually just think he deserves to know, as it's relevant to who I am as a person and as all my friends know.

If it's really scratching at your head, tell him. If you think it actually doesn't bother the way you're around him, spare his ego and don't tell him.

Could you elaborate on the "spare his ego" part? That's a concept that I can't really work out.

 

[FilipJPhry]

Could you elaborate on the "spare his ego" part? That's a concept that I can't really work out.

I assume you are between the ages of 16-21. If you tell him that you are bi-curious or like girls, he might get the wrong idea that "he made you gay" or something. Or another wrong idea. (Don't want to elaborate on that)

Remember: If it is really bothering you to keep it a secret, tell him. Then ask him to promise to keep it a secret if you want it hidden. If you're certain that his parents are homophobes, they don't need to know.