Thanks. I agree, I think going to the internet for relationship advice and comfort is a little off, but I'm kinda running out of options on this one.Vodka Dude said:
Should I stay or should I go. . .?
- Thread starter LemonMelon
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I'm going to be 100% honest. And keep in mind, this is based off of my experience with a similar situation in a relationship. Just remember, I'm not trying to be ignorant or sound rude or anything.LemonMelon said:
Basically, he either said that because he actually means it, and is just using you, because he knows you'll get him expensive things he wants, which ends up being free to him because of this. Or, he is just in an odd mood and saying things out of hate when he says the opposite of usual. I've had a partner that did pretty much the same thing though, but I didn't buy them things like that when I knew the relationship was unstable, like the way you make yours sound.
Personally, I think if you and are breaking up frequently, you shouldn't keep getting back together. You're both just becoming dependent, and that can be unhealthy. Plus, it sounds like he is just using you anytime you do get back together, and leaves after he gets what he wants.
Well, before I say anything I'll preface my response with the same thing that I preface my responses with EVERY TIME I see a relationship advice thread. That being that none of us responding, myself included, have any idea what the McFuck what we're talking about, so you should take any advice we offer with a massive heaping spoonful of salt. This is because we don't actually know the people involved. Any "advice" (and I use that term loosely) that we can offer is just general advice. But it's not good advice. Relationship counselors generally spend their first meetings with any couple, not offering advice, but just getting to know the couple. And this is why we can't offer good advice, because we don't know you, your boyfriend, or your boyfriend's best friend's dog. We know nobody. All we know are a couple lines of text briefly outlining the situation. The people who are best suited to give you actual good advice on this situation, are already involved in it.
That said, I suppose I can part with some words of general advice. Now, again, I'm coming at this from a position of not knowing. The pattern of your relationship (which you describe as a constant on off) reminds me of my first serious relationship (which lasted 2 years in High School), leading me to believe you're probably relatively young. That said, you've also noted that you've bought concert tickets and a reservation to a hotel, so it's hard to say now if you really are young, or if you and your boyfriend just still act like it, because I don't know too many High Schoolers who're buying hotel reservations.
Regardless, let me offer what advice I can, which is that most of your relationships will not work out. Not now, not ever. That sucks, but that's life. You wanna know how many times I've thought I'd finally found the love of my life, only to find out I was sorely mistaken? Not even I want to know how many times I've been through that. It sucks, but, like I said, that's life. A constant on-off pattern, and I actually do hate to be so blunt here, but it's the sign of an immature relationship. It's the sign of a relationship that's not really clicking anymore, but the people inside of it have yet to realize it, so they become stuck in this strange purgatory between "I've invested a lot of emotional energy into this person and I'd hate to lose that" and "I simply am not interested in this person anymore." It causes these emotional swings between trying to make the relationship work, and just wanting out. You're asking why questions like "why would he say he loved me and my family if he didn't really," and those aren't questions that can be answered in solid terms. Emotions are not rational, we feel them on a pre-rational level, this is why they are capable of swinging so violently back and forth. The honest truth is that I don't know you or your boyfriend, and I can't judge if you've got good chemistry together or not, either way, the one thing that can actually make or break your relationship, is time. As you age, you're going to learn more and more about how you work, about how the people around you work, and about the world in general. This is a horrible process, because as we go through it, it slowly but surely rips out every bit of the happy ending nonsense you've been fed by Hollywood your entire life. You're going to start accepting that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, things won't work out. You're going to have to accept that life is not like dominoes, where you can set it up in any order you want and knock it down, but more like a game of dice in which you are but a single die. Your roll will have some small affect, but the game overall will be decided by all the other rolls. It means that you can find happiness and beauty in this world, but it's not all you're going to find. This process will take a lot from you, it will, but it will give you some things too, you'll become more mature, and as you do, you'll be more capable of finding what relationships will and will not work for you. So for now, all I can really say, is best of luck to you. Don't give up, keep rolling your die, if you don't play at all, then you've already lost.
That said, I suppose I can part with some words of general advice. Now, again, I'm coming at this from a position of not knowing. The pattern of your relationship (which you describe as a constant on off) reminds me of my first serious relationship (which lasted 2 years in High School), leading me to believe you're probably relatively young. That said, you've also noted that you've bought concert tickets and a reservation to a hotel, so it's hard to say now if you really are young, or if you and your boyfriend just still act like it, because I don't know too many High Schoolers who're buying hotel reservations.
Regardless, let me offer what advice I can, which is that most of your relationships will not work out. Not now, not ever. That sucks, but that's life. You wanna know how many times I've thought I'd finally found the love of my life, only to find out I was sorely mistaken? Not even I want to know how many times I've been through that. It sucks, but, like I said, that's life. A constant on-off pattern, and I actually do hate to be so blunt here, but it's the sign of an immature relationship. It's the sign of a relationship that's not really clicking anymore, but the people inside of it have yet to realize it, so they become stuck in this strange purgatory between "I've invested a lot of emotional energy into this person and I'd hate to lose that" and "I simply am not interested in this person anymore." It causes these emotional swings between trying to make the relationship work, and just wanting out. You're asking why questions like "why would he say he loved me and my family if he didn't really," and those aren't questions that can be answered in solid terms. Emotions are not rational, we feel them on a pre-rational level, this is why they are capable of swinging so violently back and forth. The honest truth is that I don't know you or your boyfriend, and I can't judge if you've got good chemistry together or not, either way, the one thing that can actually make or break your relationship, is time. As you age, you're going to learn more and more about how you work, about how the people around you work, and about the world in general. This is a horrible process, because as we go through it, it slowly but surely rips out every bit of the happy ending nonsense you've been fed by Hollywood your entire life. You're going to start accepting that sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, things won't work out. You're going to have to accept that life is not like dominoes, where you can set it up in any order you want and knock it down, but more like a game of dice in which you are but a single die. Your roll will have some small affect, but the game overall will be decided by all the other rolls. It means that you can find happiness and beauty in this world, but it's not all you're going to find. This process will take a lot from you, it will, but it will give you some things too, you'll become more mature, and as you do, you'll be more capable of finding what relationships will and will not work for you. So for now, all I can really say, is best of luck to you. Don't give up, keep rolling your die, if you don't play at all, then you've already lost.
Never mind what I said before. You should definitely confront him about this. However, don't let any negative emotions such as anger overcome you during the conversation. I imagined if you took a break and/or talked it over you could decide on whether to end it or re-kindle the flame.LemonMelon said:
I second this motion.HG131 said:I really like this idea if you chose C.El Poncho said:Hmm, you could be a right cock about it and take one of his friends to the concert with you then go back to the hotel and A) Tell the friend to go home B) Let him stay but don't let him do anything C) Get it on
But if you seem to break up often then I suggest you leave it for good.
Sort of reminds me of my last girlfriend who would change her opinion of the state of our relationship at least once a week.... The way I dealt with it is just after awhile I stopped really worrying about it. She later cheats on me and I give her a few more weeks before cutting her off entirely.
I guess really the best advice I can give you is just not worry about it and go on with your life. Doesn't seem like it's something to get your knickers in a twist over.
I guess really the best advice I can give you is just not worry about it and go on with your life. Doesn't seem like it's something to get your knickers in a twist over.
Assuming he is a genuinely nice person like you say he is, it sounds to me like he's not really interested anymore, but is still trying to keep the relationship going. The I haven't cared for you for months thing seems like he's probably bitter that he hasn't gotten back into the relationship again despite wanting to. I'd say get him to pay you back for the tickets and break up with him. I'd advise against screwing around with his head in the process as some are suggesting though. The chances of that screwing you over down the road are pretty good.
These type of threads the answer always is either leave who you're dating or just ask her out.
I don't mind though its cool how the escapist is willing to help people out even in these situations.
I don't mind though its cool how the escapist is willing to help people out even in these situations.
1) The things that he is doing to you, and to himself, may not be intentional. So, don't let yourself be convinced he's an evil conniving bastard bent on your destruction. He's just indecisive and selfish (two of the hallmarks of youth), and these are the sorts of things that happen.LemonMelon said:
2) You are, too. It's not an insult, because everyone does it. It's just important to recognize a relationship can only be a "bad relationship" when BOTH people choose to stick around. You want so badly for things to work out that you're trying to bend reality to suit that wish. You can't take the success of a relationship so personally that you become dependent on it, and you can't take the failure of a relationship so personally that you feel it's all your fault (or your responsibility to save it).
3) Relationships aren't games with win or lose. There are good ones, there are bad ones, and there's a wide expanse in between where most can be found. Some relationships, however, just aren't right--two people who were attracted once end up growing into different people. Some paths entwine, but some just cross for a brief moment. Don't try to change course to match his, don't try to change his to match yours.
4) He says he doesn't love you, and he means it. It's a guy thing--we mean what we say. He's being honest with you there. What he's NOT doing is being honest with HIMSELF. He loves the security of the relationship, the safety of having "someone." He just doesn't love the RELATIONSHIP part (the work).
5) If I'm reading this correctly, he's walking away completely and trying to cut you out. He's doing the right thing here. In fact, what he's doing is very HARD, very PAINFUL, and because it's a bit LATER than it should have been, it's worse. The only way to salvage a friendship from something like this is to spend a LOT of time completely and totally apart. No phone/IM/text/messages through friends, none of it. The feelings have to die down before any meaningful conversation can happen, and before any friendship can be built.
Basically, the things to take away from this experience:
a) It's not his fault. It's not your fault. It just happens sometimes. If you spend your time trying to work out who's to blame, you're just looking backwards instead of moving forward.
b) If a guy tells you he doesn't love you, believe it. It doesn't mean he's not conflicted about a lot of feelings, but it means that in a moment of clarity, his mind realized his heart wasn't being honest about WHAT it loved.
c) Don't chase. Not to mend or to argue. Let it go completely for now. You were in a relationship for five years, so it might take six months to a year of COMPLETE SILENCE between you before all of the feelings have died down and gone away. And that's time spent LIVING, not time spent thinking about whether or not he's thinking this or that.
It might sound like you're shoving him completely out of your life... and that's exactly what you're doing. You're shoving Boyfriend out of your life, in hopes that you can reintroduce him to your life as Friend. And maybe it won't happen. But if you try to keep him in your life during that transition, it DEFINITELY won't.
Don't confuse simply being immature to bi-polar, please. It got very easy lately to just stamp real illnesses on people who just don't want to behave properly, it's always a good excuse.LemonMelon said:
No from your first post it seems he is a kind of a guy that will stay faithful to you as long as he needs you. After he gets his dope, he grows bored and cuts the leash, till you are needed again, and it gets easy to lie after you do it a few times.
Just face it, you deserve better than this, and he knows it, so each time the ground is burning under his feet he will play the cute puppy role, saying how his life is empty without you, how he misses just being with you and then, when he can stand up again he will shrug it off. It seems he wants benefit without strings attached.
Whatever you will do, is up to you in the end, but i wouldn't advise getting your hopes up that you can change him by being nice. It doesn't work that way, he apparently needs a rather rough wake up call.
You've already said it seems to be a general trend. A guy will be a dick if shit's happening in his life and that will be temporary. But this guy just keeps falling back on it and you seem to just put up with it. Honestly, if he's getting dickish, he needs to improve something in his own life or just drop him and move on. No sense getting dragged down with him.LemonMelon said:
(Throwing my hat into the ring) Judging by the general trend of your relationship, it would be best to break up. The whole "I haven't loved you in months" comment is a very heavy (and hurtful) thing to say, and there must be some grain of truth in it, otherwise he wouldn't have said it (IMHO at least). As for the concert, either get him to say in writing that he will pay for the tickets, or take one of your friends. You never know, you might have fun.
I respond to your clash reference with another clash reference...
"If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double" seems accurate.
My mom was in a similar situation and I can say this, she got played, She ended up paying for this guys bills and rent and they day after they broke up he went back to his ex-wife and did the same to her. Now I'm not saying that this guys is like that jackass, but from what you've said I think he is.
Pro-tip: This is probably not the best way to ask for relationship advice.
"If I go there will be trouble, and if I stay it will be double" seems accurate.
My mom was in a similar situation and I can say this, she got played, She ended up paying for this guys bills and rent and they day after they broke up he went back to his ex-wife and did the same to her. Now I'm not saying that this guys is like that jackass, but from what you've said I think he is.
Pro-tip: This is probably not the best way to ask for relationship advice.
I just wanted to thank you all for all of your help.@It's meant a lot.
Things have sort of been resolved though, however I couldn't have made it through this ordeal without you all. Thank you again. [:
Things have sort of been resolved though, however I couldn't have made it through this ordeal without you all. Thank you again. [: