So, apparently I'm not alright (breakup / divorce advice)

[Kotch]

Last year my ex and i got a separation, she moved out of the house we own together and i was alright.

we discussed who should keep the dog and it ended up being me as she wasn't allowed to have pets where she were to live. Although i never wanted a dog i've kept it and been fine.

our economy was / is pretty tangled together and i was making the most money and was fine with it.

now i have to take care of a house and garden by myself although i never wanted either of them.

i live in the ass end of nowhere and the friend of mine who lives the closest lives 40 minutes away by car.

i can't sell the house for what we've paid for it so we stand to make a loss of 14000 Euro even if we can actually sell it.

so far we've lived apart from each other for about a year. we've been separated for 8 months.

today she called me and told me that she wanted the divorce to go through, that our economies should be separated, that she thought we should let ourselves go bancrupt and that she is seeing someone else.

apparently I was fine with all of these things (at least thats what i told her)

except for one thing i got a raging need to get drunk, smoke weed and do coke (things i used to do in the past almost enough to constitute a mixed substance abuse)

i understand that she hasn't done anything wrong, i understand her reasons for wanting these things (both for leaving me and for seeing soomeone else, c'mon it's been a year already)

but i still want to get drunk, high and stoned(oh yeah and fight people)

so far i've held off quite simply because i know how my impulses work but if any of you out there have got an idea of what to do to hold this off i would greatly appreciate it


(also; Captcha : How sweet)

 

[BloatedGuppy]

so far i've held off quite simply because i know how my impulses work but if any of you out there have got an idea of what to do to hold this off i would greatly appreciate it

It's a process. You're grieving. There really isn't any way to get around it. On rare occasions you can numb yourself and suppress your emotions, but it's not healthy and I don't recommend it.

The best thing you can do is move on and find a fresh beginning somewhere, either by eating the loss and selling the home and moving, or casually dating, or just finding something you can invest in that has no connection to your failed relationship.

Sorry for what you're going through. I've been through some brutal breakups myself. They never really get any easier.

 

[Kotch]

thanks for the replies.

So far i think that the massive vent has helped me quite a bit.

My greatest problem (as i've rationalised it over the last couple of hours) is that the area in which i live there really is almost no chance of selling a house, which is why she thinks that bankruptcy is the best idea.

or just finding something you can invest in that has no connection to your failed relationship.

invest in? emotionally or?

also my former pseudosubstance abuse was based in emotional supression

Snip

as for hobbies i've started lifting weights again and i learned from another thread on this very forum that eating chocolate is helpful when dealing with depression so i figured might as well...(no worries strict serving sizes and only dark low sugar varieties)

when i wrote the first post i was still in the early stages of panic, i've calmed quite a bit since then.

come to think of it the bankruptcy might actually be a good idea as i am currently unemployed and if i think too much of our relationship i still get a feeling that i'm "living in the ruins" which isn't very helpful.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

invest in? emotionally or?

Yes, emotionally. I'm not suggesting you run out and play the stock market.

Find a new hobby, or a new job, or a new place to live, or a new SOMETHING that will allow you to re-define who you are without the relationship. As at the moment, you are, as you said, "living in the ruins" and keeping the pain fresh.

 

[Zoe Castillo]

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[CentralScrtnzr]

I would typically salute the man who says "to hell with it all" and drinks himself into a Dionysian epiphany. However, going off to fight people in a drunken stupor is not likely to produce any benefits on your behalf.

I suffer issues of panic, sometimes developing into full-blown panic attacks. I can only guess as to your own problems. But if you haven't so far, I would seek some care for your panic.

I can say that undiagnosed mental disease can not only destroy relationships, but also one's posterity. My fiancee's mother is quite classically an undiagnosed manic depressive; she destroyed her happy relationship with her first husband, managed to blow a great deal of money on ridiculous investments, has alienated her own offspring, among a list of other great defeats.

If I would attest myself to the power of mental disease. Well, I would say the last 24 years of my life have been a total loss. Only within the last have I managed to come to terms with my own problems. But because of that, many of my opportunities have been utterly squandered, and I still suffer the results. I have no respect from any of my family--in fact I am their pariah--my career is not what it could have been, and I only take solace and delight in the spare few things I have taught myself--quite special and totally unknown to my relatives--of great worth--that and my spouse.

I apologize for using your thread as a forum for my own reconciliation.

So, not to suggest you are the same; but, if you are, I would like to leave that out there. Perhaps all this is a lamentation to the state of mankind. But perhaps it may nevertheless be inspiring, or at the very least--worthy of reading.

 

[Kotch]

I would typically salute the man who says "to hell with it all" and drinks himself into a Dionysian epiphany.

Well I thought it was a pretty good idea too, the first time around (not my exwife but a former girlfriend) but after close to 8 years of trying that I started having issues with misdirected rage and that's when I stopped drinking. (most of the other stuff was a result of drunken misbehavior and an inability to say no to various offers)

Snip

Have one already but so far I've managed to hit it until the mounting brackets got ripped from the wall.

well so far it's been three days and the strongest thing I've had to drink has been coffee...

I haven't smashed anything to bits and I have kept all appointments with the unemployment office and such.