So I got friendzoned (not a bitching thread, don't worry!)

[rosac]

So, I got friendzoned yesterday. And it feels good. Let me explain.

I met this girl in Italy when we were out with uni sports teams, we hit it off really well and started texting. I ended up going for a few meals with her (Hangover meals, granted, but eh.) And I ended up in the same bed as her a few times, but we didnt really do anything (She was on her period the first time, the other 2 times I was drunk and she wasn't so she felt like she would've been taking advantage.)

And I found myself really falling for her, but kept delaying asking her a simple question: "Can we be more than friends?"

I was intimidated by the fact I knew she'd had offers from other guys, and she found them creepy (to be fair, she got a 2 page letter from one guy). But a few days ago I finally asked her.

She told me I was a nice guy and that she loves talking to me, but doesn't see me as being able to be her boyfriend. I was annoyed at first sure, but thinking about it, I'm now relieved. it means I know where we stand, and we still talk. Whereas if I had asked her out and we broke up, this may not happen (Happened to me twice now with other girls)
It's given me a bit of stability rather than uncertainty. Of course, I'll no doubt ruin this stability soon with another girl, but hey.

Thanks for reading, for discussion value, have you ever been in a (potentially) bad situation only to realise later that it's actually worked out quite well for you?

TL;DR: Got friendzoned, not awkward between me and the girl, actually think it was good for me, have you ever been in a bad situation only to realise it was probably for the best later on?

CAPTCHA: Public good. Urm, alright then captcha.

 

[Bassik]

I agree with you, mate. Friendzoning can be a force of good.
First of all, you gain a friend, and that is never a bad thing. Second of all, you get more experience with women as people rather then sexy bits with a brain attached.
I think a lot of people complaining about the friend zone could do with some friendzoning.

And now we're talking about these sort of things anyway, do you also get annoyed that nice guys got a bad rep on the internet? It's not like we're doing nice things to get into someone's pants, and the people who do are not nice guys to begin with.

 

[Hoplon]

It's not like we're doing nice things to get into someone's pants, and the people who do are not nice guys to begin with.

That's kind of the point, a lot of the "nice guys" are doing exactly that then bitching about being "Friend zoned"

 

[rosac]

It's not like we're doing nice things to get into someone's pants, and the people who do are not nice guys to begin with.

That's kind of the point, a lot of the "nice guys" are doing exactly that then bitching about being "Friend zoned"

Yeah, Nice guys seem to get annoyed when they dither around with a girl hoping something will happen, whereas people who are (in the typical internet nice guys mind) douchebags just cut straight to the chase. It also doesn't seem to occur to them that the "douchebags" might want a serious relationship, it just happens that they have a different way of going about it. And yes, I realise the huge irony of this post.

CAPTCHA: describe absolut vodka. That thing that causes me to have seizures when it leaves my body. Seriously.

 

[Thaluikhain]

It's not like we're doing nice things to get into someone's pants, and the people who do are not nice guys to begin with.

That's kind of the point, a lot of the "nice guys" are doing exactly that then bitching about being "Friend zoned"

Seconded. People sometimes write it as Nice Guys[sup]TM[/sup] to distinguish them from guys who actually are nice, though.

 

[Mr. GameBrain]

Good for you dude.

Having a freind you can trust and get close too is probably one of the most valuable things ever.

(I wish I had more friends around me that were close to that level. Most people I am friendly with are more aquantances than anything really... )

 

[Eleuthera]

Yup agreed, some of the girls I've been 'friendzoned' by are now amongst my best friends. Some of them I never spoke to again, but that's life.

 

[rosac]

Good for you dude.

Having a freind you can trust and get close too is probably one of the most valuable things ever.

(I wish I had more friends around me that were close to that level. Most people I am friendly with are more aquantances than anything really... )

Haha, I used to think that way mate, but how many of those "aquantances" do you talk to regularly and enjoy the company of? Those are your friends, don't fool yourself. Its this perspective change that made me realise that I have some really close friends from both genders. I'm known as the camp best friend for a lot of girls, which is actually a good laugh.

Yup agreed, some of the girls I've been 'friendzoned' by are now amongst my best friends. Some of them I never spoke to again, but that's life.

It all depends on how you react to it, in this case she's fine with it and so am I. She's actually happy I was open about it rather than just ignore it. Other girls have just said "Oh so you only talk to me because you want to be more than friends? You're a bastard." Which I find hilarious as generally the reason I want to be more than friends with them is because we get on so well anyway.

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

You mean to tell me... that somebody... on the internet... got turned down by a girl... and is acting like a mature human being about it?

What the fuck is this place and how did I get here?!

OK, on a more serious note. Well done. You had both the courage to open up about how you really felt, as well as the maturity to not act like a douche about her not feeling the same way. You are officially a grown-up, which is more than a lot of people can say.

 

[uhddh]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. Been friendzoned but still good friends with said girl. Of course as long as you remain friends there's a chance you'll be taken out of the friend zone and a relationship could occur. So, yeah. Stay friends and hope for the best.

 

[Phasmal]

I'm really glad you're cool with it and have decided not to turn into one of those `nice guys` who suddenly hate said woman with a passion because she denied them access to her vajayjay.

Still, I think `friendzoned` is a dishonest term, and I really wish it would dissappear.

Years ago I would have said I had been `friendzoned` by a friend of mine, but it was more like `bro-zoned` (`Oh [Phasmal], you're just one of the guys!`). It never really bothered me though, we were better as friends anyway.

 

[geK0]

My best friend friend-zoned me at one point.... and I friend-zoned her at another point lol! I don't really care too much, friends are always nice to have.

 

[yeti585]

but doesn't see me as being able to be her boyfriend

Did you ask her what she meant by this (I'm assuming this is what she said)? That might not be such a good thing.

 

[Wolfhowl the shadow lurker]

i know very few humans and none of them are female to which i must ask what a freindzone is? don't people just count people they know as freinds?

and yes i am very disconnected from everything

please don't be mad

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Question (since all the other comments are supportive and merely to play Devil's advocate): would it really be "wrong" of the OP to no longer be interested? If he said, "ok that's fine, but I don't really feel like talking as much anymore," would that make him a "bad person?" Because accepting that a girl doesn't like you "that way" is a different idea from actually not being attracted to her. You can't turn that off if you really are. You can put it to the side, yes, but it's still going to be there to some extent. And if she gets herself into rotten relationship and complains to you about it, you're going to be in the classic position of every friendzoneded internet whiner there ever has been.

I'm not there, so I don't know the situation, but you were in her bed? You wanted to have sex/do stuff, but couldn't for reasons x, y, and z? In other words, you were in a position to do it, but she wouldn't let you. The point I'm roundabout working my way towards is that you are already "more than friends." I have never ever been in the same bed with a guy and wanted to have sex. She may be utilizing you as a surrogate boyfriend. She gets all the benefits of having a boyfriend, but without really letting you get close.

Here's my thought, (and it's probably wrong because I'm not you and I'm not there), but continue seriously looking for a real girlfriend. Set up some boundaries between you and the friendzoner. I'm not saying never talk to her, but being available at all hours and lying in bed with her should be off limits. Friends don't do that shit.

I'm just speaking from the perspective from someone who actually has had a friend girl, in addition to (fingers crossed) a girlfriend. She once told me she wanted someone she could call at all hours of the night when she had insomnia and I straight up told her "I'm not making myself that available to someone who I'm never going to have sex with." I've applied that line of thinking to guys, too. It's a simple statement of fact. Over the past few weeks she's gotten busy and I've mentioned a few times this other fantastic girl I've started dating, and suddenly the friend girl isn't that interested in me anymore. And it doesn't matter because I've met another awesome person anyways. I didn't put all my emotional and free time eggs in one basket, waste my time barking up the wrong tree, nor did I end on bad terms with the friend girl.

I'm just mentioning a few potential hazards in this relationship because it can be really easy to get hurt in a situation such as this, regardless of how uncool the internet deems it to be to have emotions and a sex drive.

 

[rob_simple]

You mean to tell me... that somebody... on the internet... got turned down by a girl... and is acting like a mature human being about it?

What the fuck is this place and how did I get here?!

I know, this must be what it's like when you see a hole in the Matrix for the first time.

OT: That was a nice story OP, I'm glad that for once someone is sharing a story about relationships that won't descend into a feminism/rape discussion.

I've been friendzoned and done my fair share of friendzoning, I just see it as one of those things; like getting turned down for a job application. It used to make me furious but now I figure there's no point in getting angry about things you can do nothing to change.

Snips. Snips everywhere

Sorry, but you have a really fucked up perspective about how you treat your friends.

I'm probably attracted to almost every one of my female friends (in so much as if they asked I'd sleep with them) but I don't let that colour how I act towards them. If they need me I'll be there; if I can't be bothered I'll say as much. I've shared a bed with many of my friends (male and female) and I've been intimate with a good number of the female ones and never let it affect the friendship beyond the fact that we sometimes joke about it.

Saying 'I'm not getting sex from you so don't waste my time' and all this psychological warfare about boasting about new girls is...I don't even know how to describe that other than a really shitty, immature attitude.

 

[rosac]

snip

I'm the camp best friend of quite a few girls, she's not the only one I've ended up in bed with either, and it only happens when I'm hammered. She invites me back, we watch a film and just fall asleep. Would I like to have sex with her? Yes. Would I like the consequences? No.

And the thing is, I look after a lot of people, male and female. I've had to get my best mate out of a club, even though I had to get out of bed at 4am and get dressed. I've dealt with volleyballers crying down the phone because their boyfriends split up with them. It sounds weird, but I'm at the beck and call of a lot of people as is. Its normally only one off things, so I don't mind.

Also, "I'm never making my self available to anyone I won't have sex with." Oh wow man.