Yo, Escapees and such. This isn't so much a discussion topic as much as it is, I need to get this out of my system. And also I need some people to tell me I'm not going insane. Alright, that's what little context you're getting. Paragraph, awaaay:
So in our film course, we watched Indie Game: The Movie as part of, like, good documentary and stuff. And there was quite a lot in it that was incredibly moving and depressing - mostly, Phil Fish's story. Long story short, I came out of the film with this on my mind: gotta buy FEZ.
So I went to the game store to get a MS Points card! I had also bought some games to trade in because I like being utterly ripped off by EB Games, but whatever. Point is, as I leaned down to get games out of my bag, I felt a bump against me. Whatever, the store was crowded, oh well. I went to pay for the points and the realization dawned that my wallet - which my hands had been caressing not five seconds earlier - was missing.
Now this has actually happened before, I had "lost" my wallet. So I kinda laughed and shook it off, and started looking for it on my person and in my bag - thinking nothing of the two hooded kids walking by smiling at me with a "yeah, fuck you" look on their faces - only to, y'know, find it was missing. Stolen? I dunno. Maybe it's fallen under a counter. But all evidence points towards it being gone. And since now it's 12 hours later, the chances of me ever comprehending the difference between the two are pretty slim. The police know, but that doesn't stop what came after:
I cried. A lot. Now I suffer from mild depression ad Asperger's and such so I'm used to having crazy reactions to things, but such crushing grief! I felt like no matter where I go, failure finds me. I felt like no matter how hard I try, things are bad anyway. I felt like all my effort in life is for naught since life fucks me over anyway. And so we get to my question -
...am I selfish, for this?
Am I selfish, for losing $30 and a housekey? Am I selfish for feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders afterwards; like I've let everybody down, like I'm worthless and amount to nothing? It's weird; my brain says, no, that's not selfish, but my heart says... why the fuck are you thinking like this? Why did you cry, you ****? What is wrong with you? And I sit and wallow in confusion and self-beating. I shouldn't feel like this... people have lost more than me, and any thought of "why me?" is overshadowed by the fact that anyone who isn't me would think the same thing. And yet, that makes me thing I'm being selfish; egotistical even, or incredibly vain and narcissistic.
I don't know. It feels like my head is a jumble of Christmas lights. Even after seeing my psychologist this afternoon about this very thing. I've been staring the "Cube Pack" sale on Steam, with thoughts along the lines of "if I had my wallet I could be playing Blocks That Matter right about now". So basically, I just wanna ask if I sound crazy and insane based on my reaction to getting my wallet stolen, or if it's normal and human-like, or... I dunno, you like waffles and really need to tell me about it? Engage me in some form of dialog.
Thanks for your (now I've read that back) rather large amount of wasted time. :3
So in our film course, we watched Indie Game: The Movie as part of, like, good documentary and stuff. And there was quite a lot in it that was incredibly moving and depressing - mostly, Phil Fish's story. Long story short, I came out of the film with this on my mind: gotta buy FEZ.
So I went to the game store to get a MS Points card! I had also bought some games to trade in because I like being utterly ripped off by EB Games, but whatever. Point is, as I leaned down to get games out of my bag, I felt a bump against me. Whatever, the store was crowded, oh well. I went to pay for the points and the realization dawned that my wallet - which my hands had been caressing not five seconds earlier - was missing.
Now this has actually happened before, I had "lost" my wallet. So I kinda laughed and shook it off, and started looking for it on my person and in my bag - thinking nothing of the two hooded kids walking by smiling at me with a "yeah, fuck you" look on their faces - only to, y'know, find it was missing. Stolen? I dunno. Maybe it's fallen under a counter. But all evidence points towards it being gone. And since now it's 12 hours later, the chances of me ever comprehending the difference between the two are pretty slim. The police know, but that doesn't stop what came after:
I cried. A lot. Now I suffer from mild depression ad Asperger's and such so I'm used to having crazy reactions to things, but such crushing grief! I felt like no matter where I go, failure finds me. I felt like no matter how hard I try, things are bad anyway. I felt like all my effort in life is for naught since life fucks me over anyway. And so we get to my question -
...am I selfish, for this?
Am I selfish, for losing $30 and a housekey? Am I selfish for feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders afterwards; like I've let everybody down, like I'm worthless and amount to nothing? It's weird; my brain says, no, that's not selfish, but my heart says... why the fuck are you thinking like this? Why did you cry, you ****? What is wrong with you? And I sit and wallow in confusion and self-beating. I shouldn't feel like this... people have lost more than me, and any thought of "why me?" is overshadowed by the fact that anyone who isn't me would think the same thing. And yet, that makes me thing I'm being selfish; egotistical even, or incredibly vain and narcissistic.
I don't know. It feels like my head is a jumble of Christmas lights. Even after seeing my psychologist this afternoon about this very thing. I've been staring the "Cube Pack" sale on Steam, with thoughts along the lines of "if I had my wallet I could be playing Blocks That Matter right about now". So basically, I just wanna ask if I sound crazy and insane based on my reaction to getting my wallet stolen, or if it's normal and human-like, or... I dunno, you like waffles and really need to tell me about it? Engage me in some form of dialog.
Thanks for your (now I've read that back) rather large amount of wasted time. :3
