So i started writing...

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Sure i dont mind criticism, thats why i put it up here, fire away

Ok...

First of all, make damn sure you want to tell this story. It's gonna have to stay with you for at least a year. And if it's good, which I'm sure it will be, people will KEEP wanting to read it or have you read it.
Secondly, don't aim for a novel yet. It's a HUGE undertaking, and that 140,000 words is not a joke. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is about 250,000. I'd aim for a short story first (7,000) and then expand if you still want to.
Thirdly, and before I get nasty, there's a good story here already. You've done the first big step in getting it out to the public (and it's a really big step), now hide it away until you've finished it. Leave it for a month. Then edit it (probably twice). And only then show it off again. Then it will be awesome

Now the dissection.

Prologue (Not a prologue: That would be a chapter in itself: This is more of a epigraph)
Equally, as it appears to be a fable, dress it up as such. Read the Bible and try and get that same sense of foretelling it uses.
...and it was foretold that in the age of steel, on a night were the Earth itself weeps, a man that will shape the future of the world will be born, but in order to bring salvation, he must sacrifice the one closest to him, the one and only person he will ever truly love. He will do this, but he shall be doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness, as is the path of the Great One.
Have to say it, cliche. Although in a fable that might work. With your main story though, try to steer it away from this route.
This is the destiny of the Great One, and it is the only road he shall travel.
Should it be better with "the only true road he can travel"? As that stops it being linear

Chapter 1
The storm was raging long and hard,Dark and stormy night? AVOID! the thunder shook the very Earth, making it seem as if(Weak. And who's describing this?) Hell itself were trying to surface. Lightning struck the land, scarring it with fires that would burn for days. Villages were flooded, water ran down from the mountaintops, making it seem that even the Earth itself were in great pain.(Weak use of the storm. If you're going for a dramatic opening, specify certain problems and ramp it up to 11. Especially if you're going Biblical.)
On this, the most chaotic of nights(Repetition), a child would be born.(Most nights) A child destined for great events, a child who would determine the future of all creation.(Sorry...yawn set in. This whole first paragraph seems as if it would be better in the fable part of the prologue. Then you can make it as unreal as possible, before starting with the aftermath in Chapter 1)
In a dark cathedral, high upon a hilltop, a woman's cries were lost in the torrent of rain and thunder. (Now THERE's your first line for Chapter 1...put that in there at the start and you'll hook your audience)
The midwives and the doctors did all they could to help, but the woman knew her time was coming. With a final push she delivered the child into the world, and with her dying breath whispered "Go forth, my son, Gariah..."(Too fast. Really too fast. This is a great dramatic moment and it deserves to be milked for all it's worth)
And with a final flash of lightning, the woman was no more.(Don't link the two events so closely, because it sounds like the lightning struck her. The last three lines could easily form your first chapter of 6 pages)

Wow...that was actually difficult to find fault with. There's a lot of good ideas (if slightly cliched) in there. Just need to slow down a bit and detail the difference between your prologue (which is ramped upto 11) and the real world (ramped upto 9); and you'll have the start of a great story.

Keep writing

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

I think its great that you're 14 and taking an interest in writing. Sure it isn't the next gold brick you'll find on the shelves yet, but you have PLENTY of time to work and establish your skill. If you wanted an honest critique, here it is: (and I am by no means whatsoever going to cut you down for your attempts. Finding a flaw is just a way to avoid it the next time)

The idea itself is definitely used...a lot. If you really want to hook your audience you have to present something in a fashion which its seldom seen. (Because lets face it, its very nearly impossible to do something entirely original, its all about the presentation and ability these days) That being said, I don't mean you have to write a completely different story, just find a way to make it different than what's usual. The whole "born on a stormy night hero with a destiny" thing, smacks of "seen it, heard it" and so it won't get a second look. (that being said you're not trying to publish or anything yet but, it helps to think of what an audience might say of your work well before you publish or anything)

Also, having a good hook, the best hook is mystery, not knowing. You don't want to over introduce your character before he even gets his foot out of the door. You want to stagger that information, make it last and leave people wanting to learn more. If you give away his destiny and ultimately blow the whistle on any surprises early, (ie. grand destiny plots usually do this) then you'll lose a lot of interest in his development.

Now all that said, I think you should keep working on your book, then when you're done writing it, read it, and inevitably you'll change it for ideas that grab you that didn't before and so on. So, yeah not 'literary gold' as you put it, but its a start. Oh, one thing that might help, ask one of your lit. teachers to read a chapter or two, and ask them to correct what they see is not working or where transitions could be better explained etc. Most teachers would be happy to look at it and for the most part they have very good advice.

Im planning on having a twist that subverts the whole destiny thing, but im just having a hard time trying to find a thing that will keep people hooked until about 10-12 chapters in

Oh hey power to you to have a twist, I think twists are great. But like you said, you need a hook for your audience to stay interested, and reading what you've got. Now, if I were some random person in a book store and I'm reading the first page or the jacket for this thing, right of the bat I don't feel like there's a twist you could introduce that I won't suspect. (I'm not saying that you don't have a good twist, I'm saying that you need the audience to think you do to keep them interested.) So maybe, in order to keep them interested even before introducing the hook, leave out some information in the beginning. Like, maybe not even mentioning his destiny until a few chapters in after establishing his character.

That way, while you're establishing his character, you can start building on a hook to draw the readers in, introduce destiny and let that flow for a bit until the twist kicks in. As for what that hook is, honestly I couldn't give you something. To be frank, it might sound good for me, but not for you. Damn the subjectivity of it all right?

No, it actually sounds good, i think that the opening may make it sound a little too cliche, ill revise the prologue part and try be a little less obvious about the destiny thing

 

[Ask]

No, it actually sounds good, i think that the opening may make it sound a little too cliche, ill revise the prologue part and try be a little less obvious about the destiny thing

Good on you. A little more advice that might help, read A LOT. (If you don't already) One key to being a good writer is to be a good reader. Haha gods you're getting an entire English course in a few minutes. There's a lot of good feedback in this forum, taking what's important to heart will definitely bolster your efforts.

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

Sure i dont mind criticism, thats why i put it up here, fire away

Ok...

First of all, make damn sure you want to tell this story. It's gonna have to stay with you for at least a year. And if it's good, which I'm sure it will be, people will KEEP wanting to read it or have you read it.
Secondly, don't aim for a novel yet. It's a HUGE undertaking, and that 140,000 words is not a joke. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is about 250,000. I'd aim for a short story first (7,000) and then expand if you still want to.
Thirdly, and before I get nasty, there's a good story here already. You've done the first big step in getting it out to the public (and it's a really big step), now hide it away until you've finished it. Leave it for a month. Then edit it (probably twice). And only then show it off again. Then it will be awesome

Now the dissection.

Prologue (Not a prologue: That would be a chapter in itself: This is more of a epigraph)
Equally, as it appears to be a fable, dress it up as such. Read the Bible and try and get that same sense of foretelling it uses.
...and it was foretold that in the age of steel, on a night were the Earth itself weeps, a man that will shape the future of the world will be born, but in order to bring salvation, he must sacrifice the one closest to him, the one and only person he will ever truly love. He will do this, but he shall be doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness, as is the path of the Great One.
Have to say it, cliche. Although in a fable that might work. With your main story though, try to steer it away from this route.
This is the destiny of the Great One, and it is the only road he shall travel.
Should it be better with "the only true road he can travel"? As that stops it being linear

Chapter 1
The storm was raging long and hard,Dark and stormy night? AVOID! the thunder shook the very Earth, making it seem as if(Weak. And who's describing this?) Hell itself were trying to surface. Lightning struck the land, scarring it with fires that would burn for days. Villages were flooded, water ran down from the mountaintops, making it seem that even the Earth itself were in great pain.(Weak use of the storm. If you're going for a dramatic opening, specify certain problems and ramp it up to 11. Especially if you're going Biblical.)
On this, the most chaotic of nights(Repetition), a child would be born.(Most nights) A child destined for great events, a child who would determine the future of all creation.(Sorry...yawn set in. This whole first paragraph seems as if it would be better in the fable part of the prologue. Then you can make it as unreal as possible, before starting with the aftermath in Chapter 1)
In a dark cathedral, high upon a hilltop, a woman's cries were lost in the torrent of rain and thunder. (Now THERE's your first line for Chapter 1...put that in there at the start and you'll hook your audience)
The midwives and the doctors did all they could to help, but the woman knew her time was coming. With a final push she delivered the child into the world, and with her dying breath whispered "Go forth, my son, Gariah..."(Too fast. Really too fast. This is a great dramatic moment and it deserves to be milked for all it's worth)
And with a final flash of lightning, the woman was no more.(Don't link the two events so closely, because it sounds like the lightning struck her. The last three lines could easily form your first chapter of 6 pages)

Wow...that was actually difficult to find fault with. There's a lot of good ideas (if slightly cliched) in there. Just need to slow down a bit and detail the difference between your prologue (which is ramped upto 11) and the real world (ramped upto 9); and you'll have the start of a great story.

Keep writing

I can see where your coming from, looking back there are some parts i could expand on, ill start revising tomorrow if i get a chance, thats really good advice, thanks

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

I can see where your coming from, looking back there are some parts i could expand on, ill start revising tomorrow if i get a chance, thats really good advice, thanks

My pleasure

And even the greats edit like crazy.

 

[Exia91]

-snip-

Even if it's just a start, I enjoyed it thoroughly. It's of simple writing, but to say the least, it's good writing. It reads fluent, though I wonder whether you should start a new sentence on a new line that often. I just feels 'off' for me.
But, alas, like you I'm just putting down some ideas and opinions on paper. Only my aim is to be a reviewer, not a storyteller that's not my forte.

If you do plan on continueing your writing, feel free to send me your progress. You sparked my interest.

 

[Oliver Pink]

I've been wondering about this actually -

Is there anywhere on the Escapist one could post works of fiction - like writing? Or is this not the place?

 

[Alandoril]

An ok start.

The thing with fantasy or any fantasy-esque work is to avoid making it sound forced. It's not easy, believe me, which is why after a decade of writing I tend to avoid the genre. However, your current style would work excellently in a stylised prophetic prologue or interludes in the main narrative, but it's a bit overwrought for an entire novel.

As for what you need to keep people hooked...I'd say introduce a sub-plot that caters to conventional tastes when it comes to a main plot and then hit the reader with the real main plot once you've got them in their comfort zone.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

I've been wondering about this actually -

Is there anywhere on the Escapist one could post works of fiction - like writing? Or is this not the place?

There is the Writer's Union [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/The-Writers-Union]
The Short Story Thread [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.110578-The-Short-Story-Thread#1919089].
Or you can just post it in Off-Topic and ask for criticism.

 

[Fire Daemon]

Keep in mind I'm not an author. If you want advice on writing you might want to hear what some other authors have said. Anyway...

If you want to turn this into a novel than you need to really, really want it to be a novel. A novel isn't like a flower because it doesn't grow itself, it's probably closer to a wrestling match because you constantly need to be on top of it, trying to get it pinned down. If you give up you've lost and the book isn't written, so you really have to want it.

As for what you've given, it's alright but it has to be longer, I think. The first paragraph in a book is important because it's here that people decide whether they want to put in the time to read it, but I've seen so many people write very, very short chapters that would never actually be published by themselves and it pisses me off. The first page of my copy of the prologue of The Lord of The Rings has about 400 or so words and I'm not saying to go and write LoTR, but you have to put in more stuff to a chapter.

If you have trouble with length aim for a short story or maybe draw a brief story arc and then seperate that into chapters and then set out to write each chapter. Try to find your own way of writing if your current way is too difficult.

For the story, doesn't seem that interesting to me, sorry. I don't really know much about the world you've set up and you haven't really given me any reason to care. I feel that I've heard this before and I don't really want to hear it again. I think starting with a babies brith and making a deal about that is somewhat cliche, it would be better if a prologue would describe the world and then link into the childs birth somewhat. Also, if you want to make a messiah story read good examples of those stories done right. Dune, is a good one and so is the Bible I suppose.

 

[Kris015]

Hey there escapist, blue rider here, and i have something to ask.
I started writing a novel believe it or not, i probably wont finish it, but i want feedback on how it is so far. By the way, im 14 so dont expect literary gold

Spoiler

Prologue
...and it was foretold that in the age of steel, on a night were the Earth itself weeps, a man that will shape the future of the world will be born, but in order to bring salvation, he must sacrifice the one closest to him, the one and only person he will ever truly love. He will do this, but he shall be doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness, as is the path of the Great One.
This is the destiny of the Great One, and it is the only road he shall travel.

Chapter 1
The storm was raging long and hard, the thunder shook the very Earth, making it seem as if hell itself were trying to surface. Lightning struck the land, scarring it with fires that would burn for days. Villages were flooded, water ran down from the mountaintops, making it seem that even the Earth itself were in great pain.
On this, the most chaotic of nights, a child would be born. A child destined for great events, a child who would determine the future of all creation.
In a dark cathedral, high upon a hilltop, a woman's cries were lost in the torrent of rain and thunder.
The midwives and the doctors did all they could to help, but the woman knew her time was coming. With a final push she delivered the child into the world, and with her dying breath whispered "Go forth, my son, Gariah..."
And with a final flash of lightning, the woman was no more.

So yeah, thats the beginning of my story, id would be really nice if i could get some feedback, btw im posting this on the escapist so i could get some honest opinions, if i asked people i knew, they may not tell me the truth.
So does the beginning of my story interest you at all? are there any ways it could be improved?
Thanks in advance

EDIT: I decided i may as well put this here, i plan to have the main character question fate and the forces that be, because i realised while planning that this sounded very cliched

Not bad, not bad at all. You are an excellent writer my friend! May I ask how old you are?

 

[nuba km]

snip

That's pretty good, I'm only one year older and I have started and stopped writing a book (stopped writing it because I didn't like where it was going and I think it would make a better comic) some advice when it comes to criticism:
1.When someone tells you your character is cliché from only reading your first chapter slap them in the face every character starts of as a cliché what you to with them makes the difference e.g. watchmen you can sum up each character as a cliché from reading an equivalent amount (I say about 10-15 pages) but they are expanded to a point where they are more complex then some real life people (just saying before the flaming begins I love watchmen)
2. If you don't understand someone's criticism ask them to expand same if you disagree with someone's criticism.
3. Use all sensible criticism to help you improve your work this is the entire reason for criticism.
4. At least one person will say you are crap and completely incapable writer especially if you don't mention that you are 14 this is because they expect you to have no spelling and grammar mistakes and that your first chapter that you have ever written has to be as good as watchmen or V for Vendetta, ignore them except for any reasonable things they mention.

 

[Dr. HeatSync]

Although I am no professional writer, I have to ask if you have written a synopsis. For those who don't know, a synopsis is a brief summery of the events that occur in the story. By having this at the start, you can crack down on potential plot holes and cliches before you get to the polishing stage.

I say this because I have found that writing a very polished and esoteric beginning to begin the development of any media is the easiest way to write yourself into a wall. If you have a synopsis and character profiles you can understand 'what they'd really do' and avoid having to redo a lot of work.

This of course assumes that you may not have done such, so if you haven't I recommend you do and if you have than I suggest you browse TvTropes on how to either avoid or make good use out of cliches.

 

[Oliver Pink]

I've been wondering about this actually -

Is there anywhere on the Escapist one could post works of fiction - like writing? Or is this not the place?

There is the Writer's Union [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/The-Writers-Union]
The Short Story Thread [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.110578-The-Short-Story-Thread#1919089].
Or you can just post it in Off-Topic and ask for criticism.

Thank you kindly!

 

[DSaB]

Thats not bad, good starting point for a first draft. Bit much repitition though. The best advise I've heard about writing is as follows:

1. Edit and refine as much as possible, but only after you've stepped away for a while. You need a bit of perspective on what you've just done so give it some time.

2. Graham Linehan (Father Ted/IT crowd writer) made argueably the most important point with regards to writing which was you're only a writer if you actually write. You need to keep at it and keep writing, even if you don't finish your novel. It's the process is important. In my opinion the hardest thing about writing a great novel or short story isn't having great original ideas, or being a gifted wordsmith, but is keeping focused and motivated (which is my real problem, I keep starting projects and not finishing them).

So stick at it!

 

[Diligent]

The only real criticism that I have (that hasn't already been said) is that there is quite a bit of repetition for such a small bit. You sort of hammer us over the head about with descriptions of the storm. I know you're trying to show HOW stormy it is but like what was already said opening with a nice cogent sentence like, "In a dark cathedral, high upon a hilltop, a woman's cries were lost in the torrent of rain and thunder." does it just as well. You don't need to be constantly referencing the storm every sentence after you've established that it's happening.


Good job, good luck, and keep writing!

 

[Oliver Pink]

I must say, I rather enjoyed this, even if it was a little short. With some polish, it'll look absolutely splendid... and it's good to meet a fellow writer!

 

[Jewrean]

Isn't there like some sort of rule against posting your works of writing for speculation? I swear this came up a while back. oh well, never mind.

I just got put on probation for posting my own music and asking for advice on it. Oh well... I guess its a forum rule to not be allowed to better ourselves here. Let's just continue with the only thing we can do instead!

'HURP DE DURP Justin Bieber HURP Banana why all the hate on HURP DE DIDDLY DUMB'
There we go, accurate simulation of the usual un-moderated drivel seen on this pitiful forum. If people can't submit something they have created for advice then what is the fucking point of the forum in the fucking first place?

BTW not angry at you.