So, I want to vent a bit and ask about opinions.

[The Stonker 2.0]

Well hello there. My name is _____ ( You honestly think that I would give you my real name? Silly willy).
For the time being, you may call me Axe.
When I was a young boy I came to this forum to post my opinions on school,sexuality and other topics related to video games or as selfish as I was, simply about me.

Now, I want to vent a bit and in no way do I consider this to be some sort of a note or "letter", I'm simply here to vent and to ask people what they think and how I should react.
Where were we? AH! A WALL OF TEXT!

So, I've got the classic sob story where I was bullied in school and blablabla, sure I got pushed around a bit but I look back on it and see how it made me stronger. Simply put, I didn't let them steamroll me, which is good of course, it's good that a kid gets to keep his dignity in a violent slur of insults and desecrating acts of such inhumane proportions it would make Sesame street look like a children's show. ( I got into a fights, woo).
Never mind that, because during the 10th grade and the first year of my high school I started pondering about my sexuality and all of those years of abuse by my peers had finally gotten to my head, where I couldn't perceive what was real and what was not, thinking everyone was against me and that I was truly alone in this world. Now if you haven't felt that then I will never wish you do so, for it's a fear which you cannot escape.
In a explosion of paranoid delusions I decided that I was worthless and began contemplating vivid things (nota bene this was 6 years ago) about hurting others or myself.
Now this would put up a red flag in anyone's sight but I didn't tell anyone about it, I decided instead to do something good with all of those bottled up anger.
Something, that would change my life for the better.

I began drawing.

Now this is a time in my life where I decide that life is worth living, due to the fact that I had a wonderful girlfriend and after all the bullshit I put her through she still stuck with me, ( not today, apparently stinky socks are higher on the "I dump you" list than being semi-psychotic).
I began to draw and isolate myself, I drew violent scenes of battles,monsters and things like that, after about a year of drawing I began seeing other things, such as how a drop of water could create an entire picture. I could touch without touching, this does sound odd, but heck, it's my wall of text and I can do what I want!.
Ehm. Back to the story.
Slowly crawling out of my shell I began meeting other people and saw that the entire world wasn't a giant pool of feces ready to be spewed everywhere, even if people like that somewhere exist.
FF to now.

Now I live at my parents place and can't stop drawing, trying to setup my DevART account and getting one of those "magical electronic boards which you paint with", to post them online.
Because hey, I've actually decided to go into 3D animation.

So to question time.

When my feelings where nothing but a torrent of well, I don't really know what and made me particularly unstable and wanting to end myself, should I have spoken to a shrink?
What would the shrink have changed?

Second one.
Am I in a dangerous group? If I have past experiences of going through highs and lows?

Third one.
Was this entire paragraph a bit diddly and didn't really make any sense? (I'm betting 5$ it's a yes).

Also.
Have you any stories of self redemption which you'd like to share? It's a lot longer than just this but it's the titbits.


Congratulations.

You made it to the bottom and for that you can claim your free cookie.

Glad to be back.

The Stonker 2.0

 

[The Stonker 2.0]

I'll start of by saying that in the chaos of things, instead of turning your anger against yourself, you turned it into something creative. You should be proud of that, I know a lot of people, myself included who try to wash their pain with doing stupid things.

Now before continuing I would like that you clarify some things for me.
First thing being

I couldn't perceive what was real and what was not, thinking everyone was against me

By not perceiving what was real and what was not, do you mean being really confused about what reality is or you were actually hallucinating and didn't know what was real and what wasn't real ?
If this is none of the two, please be my guess and correct me if I'm wrong

Now second things

paranoid delusions

I would like that you would elaborate on that.
If by paranoid delusions you mean things like ''I think this person is telling his friens bad things about me'' well, I think everybody can go through that at some point.
If you meant something like ''I think that person is putting poison into my food so I'll stop eating his food'' then now we have problem.
Note that I've had my share of paranoid delusions myself, I would appreciate that you would take the time to tell us what they were (If it's too embarrassing to tell in this thread you can PM me)

If you can answer me these two questions, I think I (we) will be in a better position to answer your two questions.

Well... At the time I honestly didn't know what was real and what was not, it was like I lived two seperate realities, the one where I was in a constant state of fear and the other where nothing could bring my day down and this got turned on and off like a switch

This was several years ago and when I mean paranoia and delusions and all of those things, I would for instance hear voices in the back or I would be afraid that the men from my nightmares would just come alive and take me, I mean.
Honestly thought that everyone was out to get me at that point and when I mean out to get me then I mean by violence or worse.
But right now, I feel great, again. This is 5 years ago, which by my clock is quite considerably high, I was simply wondering if I should alert a professional psychol..psyroi SRHINK!

 

[nariette]

When my feelings where nothing but a torrent of well, I don't really know what and made me particularly unstable and wanting to end myself, should I have spoken to a shrink?
What would the shrink have changed?

The point of a shrink, is not really different from others when you tell a problem. He listens to you and your problems. However, a shrink will give better advice because he has studied the subject and knows how to treat people in whatever position they are. Some people need to be told to stop whining, others need to have someone give them a pat on the back and a motivational speech. This means that someone who is very empathic can be just as effective as a shrink. (but most people don't know how to give actual advice, I have noticed). A shrink might have helped you to understand your feelings better. But a good, empathic friend could have done the same.

Am I in a dangerous group? If I have past experiences of going through highs and lows?

Theoretically, yes. Most people who have problems in later life had a troubled childhood. However, this doesn't mean you'll turn out to be serial murderer or anything. If accept what happened then it will probably not affect you in later life. Supressing bad memories or lingering on them will not help you at all though.

Third one.
Was this entire paragraph a bit diddly and didn't really make any sense? (I'm betting 5$ it's a yes).

Also.
Have you any stories of self redemption which you'd like to share? It's a lot longer than just this but it's the titbits.

Honestly.
Who cares if your paragraph was grammatically correct, relevant, coherent, and all that jazz? You opened up and told something that was probably a very sensitive subject for you. That's what's important.

And for the last question: Actually, yes. I was into martial arts (karate) as a child, was actually pretty good at it too. I got bullied pretty badly because it wasn't feminine, "girls shouldn't do those things", etc. I got really selfconscious, and had to quit because I couldn't hit people anymore. My punches and kicks could barely even be felt. I did have the physical strength, but I just didn't dare to be "manly" anymore. For the next years I became a huge pushover, allowed people to waltz over me. A few days ago we had PE, and had to do boxing. I was forced to go with a guy because we were with an odd number of girls and guys, but didn't really mind. I just let him hit me (not sparring, just practice), and said "I'm really bad at things like this, I don't need to have my turn" but in the end he insisted I would punch him too. He actually encouraged to punch harder, and at the end I was really having fun and I was punching him at the best of my strength. This guy was my actually my best friend when I was a small child, but we got into separated classes and didn't see each other anymore. We went home together and talked the whole time about our childhood, digging up memories, like we never got separated, like we were best friends again. I never told him anything of this, but I am really glad that I was forced to go boxing with him. I am actually considering to take up taekwondo now because I loved martial arts so much, and now I think I'm finally ready to "kick somebody's ass again".

Sorry for the long post, but I'm really glad to have vented like this.