So, I'm trying to write a book... UPDATED

[Chiefmon]

Here's a passage from my work in progress, opinions and constructive criticism welcome. I am currently about 50 pages in. I just want to hear the Escapist Community's thoughts.

UPDATE: I put up the first two chapters up on Scribd. You can read it here: http://www.scribd.com/doc/61219440/Noblesse-Oblige-First-2-Chapters

The setting is within a futuristic society in which 20% of the population can manipulate magic and fit into an unique niche in their communities.

Syr (pronounced Sear)- A 16 year old student who wants to be a hero and feels as though he is the only one who is capable of anything. He is a little cynical and egotistical, while feeling that he always has the moral high ground. He always takes personal responsibility for everything bad that happens. Has a romantic interest in Aleana but is unable to confess his feelings to her.

Aleana- A 16 year old student (2 months older than Syr) who is far too empathetic for her own good. She tends to be hyperactive and over emotional in every situation. Has a small amount of talent for Water (Aquios) magic.

NOTE: The formatting didn't transition well from Word to the escapist. Ignore the lack of proper indentation, ect. Also note that THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS! I will continue to improve upon it.


His words were interrupted by a massive blast emanating from the front of the restaurant. Small wall fragments rained down on the nearby tables. A dust cloud enveloped the entire entrance to the restaurant. Every diner turned their heads and peered into the giant hole in the wall. From the smoke emerged a tall being, about 8 feet tall. He wore a full set of worn bulky armor and held in his hand an impractically large clamice blade, evident from the runes inscribed on the side of it. His helmet obscured his entire face, even his eyes with the visor darkened. There were a few seconds of terrified silence before the entire premises erupted into a panic as everyone clamored for a safe place to hide.
Every single person in the building had seen images of clamice weaponry from old war footage and knew what would happen if he decided to swing that sword again. Clamice weapons are used as siege tools, made by mixing reactive Salamandra energy into a vibrim alloy, designed to explode when struck. This makes it extraordinarily dangerous for the wielder, as they are essentially holding a giant hunk of metal that will spontaneously explode if so much as dropped onto a hard surface. If an unshielded person is struck by it, it is fatal.
?Here?s the deal!? the masked man screamed with enthusiasm, ?If you annoy me, disobey me, or talk back-?He swung his sword down, creating a huge crated in the middle of the floor. ?This happens. Now get against the wall!?
The entire population of the atrium rushed to the wall, eager to appease the hostage taker. The crowd swept Syr and Aleana up, forcing them along to the wall.
?Come on!? Syr yelled as he grabbed Aleana?s arm, ?We have to get out of here!?
Syr was still recovering from the spontaneity of this event but he knew that he had to get out of this situation as fast as he could. No matter what, he had to keep Aleana safe. Although he knew that he should try to save everyone, he made the conscious decision to only focus on saving both himself and Aleana. He cursed his selfishness, but embraced it.
I?m sorry, he said to himself, recalling the promise he made with his mother all those years ago, I?m just not strong enough.
Syr took Aleana towards the kitchen, hoping that there would be some way out of the building. They slowly worked their way through the panicking crowd. Everyone was bunched up against the back wall, struggling to try and get as far from the madman as possible. Syr realized that the restaurant?s triangular floor plan had made a perfect bottleneck for the assailant to block the exit. They continued to force their way through the terrified mob until they reached the servers? hallway. Another loud explosion rocked the foundation of the building, causing both Aleana and Syr to flinch. Syr tried to convince himself that the insane man hadn?t hurt anyone with that blast. Aleana began to walk back towards the main atrium of the restaurant with a foreboding look in her eyes.
?Don?t look back.? Syr ordered grimly.
?What if he hurt someone?? Aleana pleaded, her eyes close to tears.
?If he did, then there?s nothing we could do, and if he didn?t, we?d be wasting time.? He coldly declared.
Tears began to roll down Aleana?s face as they approached the kitchen. Syr peered inside and saw that all the employees were against the walls and cabinets, some of them crying.
Well, Syr reasoned, if they are still here, there mustn?t be an exit back here. Damn.
?How do you guys know what?s going on?? Syr inquired, ?You?ve been in the kitchen this whole time.?
?We heard an explosion and walked out to investigate, obviously.? replied a young redheaded waitress. She was shaking all over and her eyes started darting back and forth, looking all over the room. ?Do you think he is trying to rob us or is this, like, a terrorist attack or something? Is it a coup de tat by a revolutionary group? *gasp* Is it a declaration of war? Is it?? The waitress began to hyperventilate as she started to list all of the possible motives for the assault on the restaurant.
Syr began to panic. He knew that the only way to escape would be to go by the ?terrorist?. He considered staying in the kitchen, but Syr realized what would happen if the DSSD showed up. He would run rather than chance fighting with them, and his only escape would be through here. I don?t want us to be in his way if he feels cornered.
Syr came up with his plan of action; they would sneak back into the atrium, and be behaved hostages. The ASSD will show up, take him down, and everything will be fine.
Syr led Aleana back to the atrium, the latter too overwhelmed to protest. He turned to Aleana, trying to think of something comforting to say. He heard the sword wielder demanding something from around the cornor. Syr decided that it was more important to keep Aleana safe rather than comfortable.
Syr peeked around the corner and saw the man had removed his helmet to reveal a white male who looked to be in his late twenties who had the craziest eyes Syr had ever seen. He was pacing around in front of the hostages, screaming into a cell phone.
?No! No hostage exchanges, no negotiators, JUST DO AS I SAY OR I SLAUGHTER THEM ALL! If I see one siren, hear one incantation, or see anyone suspicious outside, I WILL KILL EVERYONE!? He slammed his clamice sword into the ground again, making yet another crater. ?You hear that?! I have a clamice sword, and I could wipe out all these hostages with barely any effort! Lift the spatial warp restriction in this area and have 500 million credits transferred to the account or else everyone dies! I will kill a hostage every hour until it is done.? He gave off a cackling laugh, ?Or whenever I feel like it!?
As he hung up, people started randomly running for the exit, choosing to take their chances by escaping rather than waiting for this maniac to kill them. The ones who ran first made it out easily, having completely taken the hostage taker by surprise. Everyone started yelling and preparing to run once the armored man had made him move. He lunged towards a fleeing salaryman, leaving his right side open. Nearly half of the people left made a break for it.
Syr saw this and decided to act. He shouted to run to Aleana and took off, holding her wrist in his hand. They dashed through the crowd and commotion, faces flashing by as they ran. Syr heard several nearby explosions in quick succession, but continued to run. All he could do was hope that no one was killed. He could see the exit over the heads of the crowd. Fortunately, the armored man?s flashy entrance had considerably widened the entrance, so everyone could go through more rapidly. Syr stopped worrying about his surroundings. Their salvation was now only a dozen feet away, they were nearly out of danger
Suddenly, Syr felt Aleana?s arm slip from his grasp and heard her scream behind him. He turned and saw that the sword wielding giant was in front of the exit and had grabbed her by the hair and was now holding his blade against her cheek.
?SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!? he barked, ?OR THIS GIRL?S HEAD TURNS TO GIBS!?
A silence fell across the trapped crowd from a mixture of fear and a horrible sense of foreboding. In the few seconds of quiet, Syr tried to think of how to resolve this situation. He couldn?t come up with a single way to save Aleana.
In the back of the crowd a woman screamed out.
?I SAID SHUT UP?, the armored man screeched, lifting his blade.
?NO!? Syr shrieked as he lunged forward.
Time seemed to slow down for Syr as he approached the hostage taker. He thought about how he wasn?t going nearly fast enough to knock him over and about the horrible results if he somehow knocked the clamice blade from his hands. He tried to make sense of this situation.
His thought process was interrupted by his face colliding directly with the assailant?s breastplate, succeeding with little more than a smear on the enemy?s armor. The man lowered his sword staring at Syr, in shock that someone would actually try to attack him.
?Okay, now I?m annoyed,? the armored man said as he raised his blade again, brimming with killing intent.
?Stop!? he cried. Syr knew that Aleana was about die because of his own uselessness. He rued his lack of strength and tried to think of how he could possibly save her.
?Do you want power?? said a voice from within his mind.
Yes, more than anything, he thought to himself.
Suddenly, Syr felt energy rush to every part of his being. His face no longer hurt from hitting the armor. He no longer felt tired from all of the panic. He was no longer worried. Any why would he be? There was nothing for him to fear anymore. Instantly, all of the minor annoyances and grievances that come with being human disappeared. He was filled with a sense of superiority, a sense that everything was now as it should be. The voice from before echoed throughout his head.
Embrace your potential. Cast off the shackles of your humanity.
The scared teenager who stood cowering before the towering swordsman was now changing before everyone?s eyes.
Syr?s shuddering tensed up body relaxed and began to walk toward the armored man. A terrifying aura enveloped his thin body as his eyes fixated on the man. Black flames appeared to roll off his skin, corrupting the air that it touched. Every person who laid eyes upon his dark radiance felt their minds drowned in despair and fear. The restaurant customers backed away from him, cowering in fear and shock. His face held a strangely serene expression as he calmly strolled up to the hostage-taker, whose face was contorted in confusion and horror.
?You are not fit to look down on me.? Syr uttered, his hollow eyes fixed on the man?s.
A crack echoed throughout the atrium. The armored man crumpled to the floor clutching his legs, which were now contorted at grotesque angles. The clamice blade fell to the floor and detonated. The explosion only expanded to within a few inches of the sword, as its energy seemed to leave it and was absorbed by Syr, fueling his black flames.
Aleana had fallen to the ground and was now looking up at Syr, with a fearful expression on her face.
?S- Syr? Is that you?? Aleana asked, almost afraid of the answer. He looked exactly like Syr but she couldn?t convince herself that it really was him. ?What did you do to him?? She asked looking down at the hostage taker.
Syr didn?t respond. He looked around disinterestedly, offering no acknowledgment of Aleana?s presence. He returned his attention to the writhing mass of agony that was the hostage taker. Syr extended his arm outward and closed his fist. The assailant?s armor began to slowly crumple, as though under immense pressure. The man inside of the armor began to gasp for breath, his eyes beginning to roll back into his head.
?Syr! Stop!? Aleana exclaimed, ?You?ll kill him!?
Despite Aleana?s pleas, Syr showed no response.
?PLEASE!? Aleana screamed as she threw her arms around Syr in a loving embrace.
Syr released his outstretched hand and turned toward Aleana. His emotion seemed to return to his eyes for a second before they went blank again. His hand fastened around her throat and hoisted her into the air. Aleana began to gag and choke, gasping desperately for air, struggling, trying to free herself from Syr?s tight grasp. Her struggles became weaker and weaker until her whole body went limp.
This is not right! Not right at all! Syr?s voice screamed out from the deepest recesses of his mind.
A sort of shock was seemed to emanate from Syr?s body. Every window in a 4 block radius was shattered and an odd miasma seemed to emanate from his being. Syr collapsed, dropping Aleana?s unresponsive body to the ground, and passing out.

 

[Infernai]

I have to admit, this doesn't really seem to 'flow' to well. Granted, this is most likely due to the fact you've taken an excerpt from some point passed the beginning, so i really don't know exactly who these characters are or what reason the characters in here are fighting one another for. Still, this isn't bad at all and it seems interesting, but as i don't really have any context as to WHY this event happened or who these people are it's sort of lost on me as to it's significance.

Also...i should probably say now that the Escapist isn't the best place to post something like this, considering it's a video-game community. I'd recommend going to Fictionpress if you want some good feed-back about the story. Still, good luck, writing takes effort (I should know, I'm writing a video-game script).

 

[Rook]

It wasn't bad, but there are a couple of things. Try not to repeat important words that often. There were only really two times you did it. With 'massive' in the first few lines and again with 'door' somewhere in the middle. Another thing is the sentences. I was told to write a sentence, then remove seven words. That's obviously only figurative but it helps, and while writing sentences in that style works if two people are talking, you should use more paragraphs.

 

[Rook]

hey, sorry to do this but it won't let me post threads so I can't do something like this.
But anyway, what do you think of this


They gathered their equipment. The room was lit by a single bulb and the others were constantly turning towards it to get a better look at something. There were no windows and no plaster on the walls. The only door led directly into the alleyway. All in all, it was a fairly dull room, meant for one purpose only. Death, rebellion, some might argue suicide, although none realised this. The room had been made to store all of the supplies needed for this day, or at least for the next few hours. It depended on how long the user lived. No one spoke. There was nothing to say. No one made eye contact. No one wanted to.

It was cold, which was only expected given the time of the year. One by one the bags were zipped up and prepared for transportation. The duffel bag was heavy and uncomfortable on his shoulder. He was handed an additional two bags, bigger than his, as the others filed out one by one. One man firmly patted his shoulder as he walked by. He didn?t move. There was no attempt to usher him out, face his duty. It was understandable by everyone. As he found himself to be the last one in the room he thought about his options. He could run. Leave the island somehow, it had been done before. There were numerous stations around the island which housed about ten helicopters each. But then what? No, there wasn?t much point. He closed his eyes and exhaled, pulled his hood up, lifted the mask to just below his eyes and left the room.

The others were about five metres in front of him. As they walked down the alleyway an audience seemed to form. Random men, women and children stepped outside of their excuses called houses. The final salute, the hope for another goodbye. They stood and watched the line of men walk by. Catching one of the eyes of the children, clutching her mother?s dress, his fear increased. The child?s eyes were darker than anyone he?d seen before but he blamed it on the night sky and lack of light. He felt numb looking at her. Her eyes seemed to grow deeper as he got closer and she seemed to stand out more than anyone else. Her face was dirty and motionless. Remembering the times he?d walked down the alley he got a sudden pulse of déjà vu. He was unable to look away until he?d passed her. He continued on, trying to forget about the child which in turn reminded him of all of the other children who were going to die. Everyone knew this would surely be the end. The ones who didn?t get out now were most definitely going to die.

As they got closer the situation became clearer. The roars, shouts and screams of protest were unsettling. Different bits of debris and bottles were being hurled at the sixty storey building. The entire area was bathed in the glow of fires. The noises were beating throughout his chest. His group stopped just at the edge of the crowd and he quickly caught up to them. One of the men, Nikolai, was trying to talk to the group. Nikolai was shouting yet only the people closest to him could hear. He wasn?t paying attention however; he knew what he had to do. Get in, and kill the Messiahs. Other people were constantly pushing past to join the ever growing crowd. He realised that they had now become part of the crowd as people had stopped behind them, enclosing them with the others. This was it, the moment of truth, fate and all the other factors that dominate our lives. He looked back at the group just in time to see the others arranging the bags. One of the other men asked him for two bags, took them and handed it to another group with the same idea. The circle his group was in became tighter as the protesting crowd grew larger and tried to push closer to the fence surrounding the building.

He swung one strap of his bag onto his shoulder so that it was hanging down by his side. Slowly unzipping it he looked around. All that could be seen was motion. Blurred faces and racing minds. Men were spitting with anger and the occasional woman was hard to miss. Some had red faces, most because of injury. His breathing shortened and became quicker. Looking round at the rest of his group he reached into the bag and grabbed the Kalashnikov. It was cold and heavier than he remembered. He strapped the duffel bag onto his back and clipped the magazines onto a bandolier around his waist. He loaded the gun and turned off safety. He held potential death. The flare flew up into the sky somewhere behind him and the crowd grew louder and more violent. He looked at the faces of his group. Some were looking at the flare, others were looking at each other but all were being soaked in the red light. This was it. The moment of truth, fate and all the other factors that dominate our lives.

 

[Gutlord Grom]

His words were interrupted by a massive blast emanating from the front of the restaurant. From the smoke emerged a tall armored being, brandishing a massive clamice blade, evident from the runes inscribed on the side of it. The entire premises exploded into panic as everyone clamored for a safe place to hide.

The problem I'm going to point out here is that there's a problem concerning how the characters and objects relate to one each other, and why. See, we get the massive blast, and that's fine, but we don't know how that relates to the restaurant itself. Is our assailant coming through the wall if he knocked it down, or the front door? Further, 'tall, armored being' is a not a good description; if its a man, or not, say so. Being is too neutral and too loose a term.

Every single person in the building knew what would happen if he decided to swing that clamice sword again. Clamice weapons are used as siege weapons, made from mixing reactive Salamandra energy into a vibrim alloy, designed to explode when struck. This makes it extraordinarily dangerous for the wielder, as they are essentially holding a giant hunk of metal that will spontaneously explode if so much as dropped onto a hard surface. If an unshielded person is struck by it, the results are very hard to remove from the carpet.

Two quick problems with this: I'm not sure how the exploding blade works: does it make other things explode, or does it explode itself? I get what you're trying to go with, but as a fantasy concept, it doesn't work. Second, it's a distracting bit of exposition; it robs the scene of momentum, and to be honest, comes across as dry and as something that could be explained more fluidly in the scene itself.

Instantly, Syr?s mind constructed every conceivable way that this situation could end badly. Many of them ended with a sound reminiscent of wet laundry being flung onto a tile floor.
?Come on!? Syr yelled as he grabbed Aleana?s arm, ?We have to get out of here!?

That first sentence doesn't work; it's a character being a bit too self aware, and as I'll mention later, it confuses the as to whether this trying to be humor or drama. The second sentence works better, primarily because of the good use of an image.

Syr knew that he had to get out of this situation as fast as he could. No matter what, he had to keep Aleana safe. There was no way he could come with the loss of another person he cared about.

Clunky explanation of the previous dialogue, which summed up. Deep six this bit; the 'loss of another person he cares about' comes across a cliche and would be better expressed through a character's action.

Chaos was erupting all around them as they made their way to the exit. The sound of screaming was nearly deafening. He vaulted with Aleana over the booths and sprinted toward the secondary entrance.
Finally, he thought to himself, we are going to get out of here and get somewhere where there is considerably less risk of being blown up.

I don't see a normal person, and we see no reason to doubt otherwise, being able to vault a restaurant booth is more or less impossible. The sentence beginning with 'Finally' should be cut, not only because it's clumsy, and been clearly expressed as the characters' intent so far, but it further confuses the nature of the scene.

Syr saw an opening in the fleeing crowd to get through to the door. He began to bolt toward the door, already seeing himself and Aleana safe and out of harm?s way.
Suddenly, he felt Aleana?s arm sharply resist. He turned and realized that the worst case scenario that he had envisioned had come true. The armored behemoth of a man had grabbed Aleana. He picked her up by the waist and removed his helmet, revealing a scarred and furious man. His blue eyes burned with a combination of fury and annoyance.

Cut everything in the second sentence after the comma.
This brings us to armored friend: he hasn't actually moved the entire scene, except when he strode in; there's been no mention of his actions following the first paragraph, just Syr's running away, so this continues the problem of relative distance. We have no idea where Syr and Aleana are in relation to the attacker, an they've been sprinting through a mob. You need to make sure we understand where everyone else is in relation to each other.
And the man's actions don't work: picking someone by the waist takes two hands most of the time, and assuming Aleana's a teenager like Syr, and in the man's case, he is wielding a claymore sized (larger?) sword in at least one hand, two if he wants to swing. It's an awkward movement to pick up a character that way.
To continue, he then takes off his helmet, with a teenager in one hand, giant sword in the other. It doesn't work, and doesn't make sense for him to take off his helmet at all.

?SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!? he barked, ?OR THIS GIRL?S HEAD TURNS TO GIBS!?

All caps in dialogue doesn't work, at least for most things; just use the exclamation point.

A silence fell across the crowd from a mixture of fear and a horrible sense of foreboding. In the few seconds of quiet, Syr tried to think of how to resolve this situation. He couldn?t come up with a single way to save Aleana.
In the back of the crowd a woman screamed out.
?I SAID SHUT UP?, the armored man screeched, lifting his blade up in preparation for swinging.
?NO!? Syr shrieked as he lunged forward.

Swinging at what? We don't know where he is in relation to the crowd, or why they stopped running. I assume you mean Aleana as the target, but that's not indicated.

Mid-lunge he thought to himself, Wow, I?m about to get myself ki-

Doesn't work, again because it's humor in a serious moment where it doesn't belong.

His thought process was interrupted by his face colliding directly with the assailant?s breastplate, succeeding with little more than a minute thunk on the enemy?s armor.
?Okay, now I?m annoyed,? the armored man said as he raised his blade again, brimming with killing intent.

So, Syr was close enough to the man to lunge at him, and smack into his breatplate, which would have put him in sword range. And then the armored man prepares to swing again, even though he was already planning to strike before, and did not swing. So that raises the question as to why he didn't take a swing at Syr.

?Stop!? he cried. Syr knew that Aleana was about die because of his own uselessness. He rued his lack of strength and tried to think of how he could possibly save her.
?Do you want power?? said a voice from within his mind.

I'm assuming this has been the first time this has happened in the story so far, but in this excerpt, without the context, we don't know enough about Syr for this to make sense. And even though its going to be a main plot point, it comes from left field, and has nothing establishing it.

Yes, more than anything, he thought to himself.
Suddenly, Syr felt energy rush to every part of his being. He no longer worried. Any why would he? There was nothing for him to fear anymore. The scared teenager who stood cowering before the towering swordsman was now changing before everyone?s eyes.
Syr?s shuddering tensed up body relaxed and began to walk toward the armored man. A terrifying aura enveloped his thin body as his eyes turned a color darker than night. Black flames appeared to roll off his skin, corrupting the air that it touched. Every person who laid eyes upon his dark radiance felt their minds drowned in despair and fear. The shop customers backed away from him, cowering in fear and shock. His face held a strangely serene expression as he calmly strolled up to the hostage-taker, whose face was contorted in horror.

This gong to be rude: this is a really generic description of a guy getting possessed in a fantasy setting, with an aura of blacker-than-night, corrupting flames and the spreading of fear and despair. And I absolutely hate the 'black radiance'; it's cheap, its trying to sound like something unholy, and really, its an oxymoron. This cries out for something interesting, but instead its limp and empty, and it been done better.

?You are not fit to look down on me.? Syr uttered, his black eyes fixed on the man?s.
A crack echoed throughout the shop. The ciminal collapsed to the floor, his legs contorted into grotesque angles. He screamed in pain, clutching his shins and crying.

The blacks eyes don't help.
To wrap up, Aleana and the sword are missing, we don't know why the man's shins broke suddenly(we're left to assume magic did it, but assumption like this doesn't work), and we never established why the criminal was in the restaurant to begin with.

To summarize: establish how character's interact in the space, avoid unnecessary exposition, find ways to describe characters and places more fully. I'm not going to harp on grammar or spelling (God knows, that's one leg I can't stand on).

Needs a full revision.

 

[Chiefmon]

*Summarized as "This really sucks"

Wow... I feel like a terrible writer now. But really, you're completely right.

I've rewritten that part completely. What you read before was just a rough draft.

I've decided to abandon all unnecessary humor in the story. You are right, it doesn't quite feel right. This is still a very early draft and I plan on making MANY revisions.

Here's the updated scene ^^^^

 

[Evil Top Hat]

Not bad, but it lacked something in the way of flow. I think you used a few too many full stops and too many short sentences, threading large chunks or text together (so long as they all concern the same subject matter) is a good way to allow your writing to flow.

Do use short sentences occasionally though, short sentences are great for creating tension and excitement in high energy action scenes, and they are still good to use occasionally even in descriptive sections, just don't rely on them too much.

 

[LiberalSquirrel]

First of all- never post a work on a public forum if you are seriously looking into getting published.

Secondly- as a writer myself, I'll do a quick run-through, but I've noticed a lot of little issues that would be impossible to point out in such a long passage. I'll get most of the things that popped out at me, though.

His words were interrupted by a massive blast emanating from the front of the restaurant.

Is this an "in media res" beginning of your piece, or just a random passage you picked out? If it is the former, then its extremely ineffective to begin with an undefined character. If the latter, it's hard to comment on characters/setting/etc. because I don't know what you've already established.

Small wall fragments rained down on the nearby tables. A dust cloud enveloped the entire entrance to the restaurant. Every diner turned their heads and peered into the giant hole in the wall. From the smoke emerged a tall being, about 8 feet tall. He wore a full set of worn bulky armor and held in his hand an impractically large clamice blade, evident from the runes inscribed on the side of it. His helmet obscured his entire face, even his eyes with the visor darkened. There were a few seconds of terrified silence before the entire premises erupted into a panic as everyone clamored for a safe place to hide.

First of all, everyone peering into a suddenly appearing gigantic hole in the wall of what (I assume) was a peaceful restaurant is an extremely unrealistic reaction. Secondly, as you info-dumped on what clamice was in the next section, I feel that I can safely assume that you haven't yet explained what clamice is. In which case, do not use it to describe something. A reader can't envision something if they aren't given the tools to know what it is.

Every single person in the building had seen images of clamice weaponry from old war footage and knew what would happen if he decided to swing that sword again. Clamice weapons are used as siege tools, made by mixing reactive Salamandra energy into a vibrim alloy, designed to explode when struck. This makes it extraordinarily dangerous for the wielder, as they are essentially holding a giant hunk of metal that will spontaneously explode if so much as dropped onto a hard surface. If an unshielded person is struck by it, it is fatal.

Holy info dump, Batman! Never, never, never put an info dump in the middle of an action scene. Action scenes should be tense and quickly-worded. Personally, I'd even advise using shorter sentence structure. This mirrors the emotions and quick happenings of the scene. Info dumps in the middle of such scenes kick the reader out of the scene, getting rid of any and all tension. Also, as a minor side note? I can't see "clamice" as anything besides "clam ice." So unless you want your readers envisioning swords made of frozen clams, I'd advise you change the spelling a bit. Even "Clamise" or "Klamice" would be better, without changing the pronunciation.

?Here?s the deal!? the masked man screamed with enthusiasm, ?If you annoy me, disobey me, or talk back-?He swung his sword down, creating a huge crated in the middle of the floor. ?This happens. Now get against the wall!?
The entire population of the atrium rushed to the wall, eager to appease the hostage taker. The crowd swept Syr and Aleana up, forcing them along to the wall.
?Come on!? Syr yelled as he grabbed Aleana?s arm, ?We have to get out of here!?
Syr was still recovering from the spontaneity of this event but he knew that he had to get out of this situation as fast as he could. No matter what, he had to keep Aleana safe. Although he knew that he should try to save everyone, he made the conscious decision to only focus on saving both himself and Aleana. He cursed his selfishness, but embraced it.

If he wanted to save both himself and Aleana (whoever she is... girlfriend? Friend? Sister? Daughter? Their interactions have given me absolutely no clue... which is not a good thing) why wouldn't he just do as he's told, and just kinda chill until Mr. Big Tall and Scary does whatever he does? As of yet, the reader has been shown no reason for Syr to think that the best option is to run away, and thus the course of action seems to be endangering them both more than it is helping.

I?m sorry, he said to himself, recalling the promise he made with his mother all those years ago, I?m just not strong enough.

...Huh? Rather than being intrigued, which I assume is the purpose of this line, I'm just confused. Also... strong enough for what? I honestly don't know where you're going with this line.

...As I am running out of time, and need to get going to class, I'll just post a few other things I noticed overall.

First of all, watch your dialogue. My biggest pet peeve in a writer is not having realistic dialogue. And something like...

?We heard an explosion and walked out to investigate, obviously.? replied a young redheaded waitress. She was shaking all over and her eyes started darting back and forth, looking all over the room. ?Do you think he is trying to rob us or is this, like, a terrorist attack or something? Is it a coup de tat by a revolutionary group? *gasp* Is it a declaration of war? Is it?? The waitress began to hyperventilate as she started to list all of the possible motives for the assault on the restaurant.

Or this...

?SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!? he barked, ?OR THIS GIRL?S HEAD TURNS TO GIBS!?

Seems laughable rather than imposing. Also, caps lock is a no-no for shouting. It just looks bad. Doesn't get the point across at all.

Also, in a scene like this, as I mentioned earlier, your writing should be at its tightest. No superfluous explanations. No minute descriptions of floor layouts. This should all be established before the scene takes place. And if it's the beginning of your piece... it just doesn't work.

If you want to message me with a smaller sample of your writing, which would be easier for me to dissect in more detail, feel free. I rather ran out of time on this piece of yours, and only got a few of my points across.

Hope I was helpful. ^.^

 

[Dr. wonderful]

Dude, I'll read the SHIT out of that.

 

[DethVanXan]

Do you know about Wattpad? I would really recommend it. It has a large, friendly community and lots of people who can offer a lot of advice. Although, a warning... A lot of the people there are 12 - 16 year old girls so expect A LOT of Mary-Sues and Twilight-esque stories. Seriously, the number of Werewolf and Vampire romances is shocking.

 

[Esotera]

Didn't read all of it, but noticed a few things:

- At some points you're telling, not showing. One example: "Every single person in the building had seen images of clamice weaponry from old war footage and knew what would happen if he decided to swing that sword again."
- Don't use caps-lock for speech. If they're shouting it, then you should be conveying that through the words used, not their style.
- Remember perspective. "Every window in a 4 block radius was shattered..." - how would the reader experience this if they were actually there?

I'm guessing this is in the drafting stage though? As long as you get the basic plot down and rush ahead with a rough draft, you're sorted. Sifting out all the bad writing should wait until you've completed at least one iteration of the tale.

 

[Chiefmon]

-snip-

Your advice was helpful. I just grabbed the latest passage I had written, this is NOT how the story starts at all. I had mentioned that I am 50 pages in at this point. I am still working on the dialog and universe at this point. This is the first piece I've ever written so it will be CONSTANTLY revised. I don't even know how it's going to end at all.

All I know is that there will be a scene in which the personification and source of Syr's shadow magic is forced to possess a teddy bear named Mr. Snugglekins and is immediately punted across the room by Syr for causing him to harm Aleana. It will be awesome.

 

[Chiefmon]

Do you know about Wattpad? I would really recommend it. It has a large, friendly community and lots of people who can offer a lot of advice. Although, a warning... A lot of the people there are 12 - 16 year old girls so expect A LOT of Mary-Sues and Twilight-esque stories. Seriously, the number of Werewolf and Vampire romances is shocking.

I fear those 12-16 year old girls and Twightlight-esque stories. I much prefer this site.

 

[wottabout]

Well, I can't really get a good feel for it since it's just an excerpt, but here goes...

There are several minor typos and places where the flow of a sentence is lost, but I assume that you will eventually go back sentence-by-sentence to sort out those issues. As for the overall feel of the story... first of all, your characters are named Syr and Aleana. I just keep imagining his name being pronounced "sir," which is distracting. I have a personal preference against "fantasy-setting" types of names, though. Made-up names can be tricky to pull off, although if the setting is far, far in the future, they might be unavoidable.

I didn't feel a connection with Syr, although that's understandable in an excerpt. Maybe he is supposed to be calculating, but he seems selfish and a bit of an asshole. Perhaps that is just to leave room for character development, but I probably wouldn't care enough about him to get that far. Aleana seems like a wuss who just does what Syr tells her. Judging from this excerpt, she has no character except, "We should help people! Wait, no, nevermind." It would be more interesting if Syr was talking to the waitress in the back of the kitchen when he realized that Aleana had gone back to check on the wounded.

Also, they seem to be the only people headed toward the kitchen, which is weird. I imagine the crowd all, "Oh, yes, we are all going to struggle toward the back of the restaurant, but screw actually going through the door to the kitchen. We will let these kids back there, but only them. No one else deserves it." I might feel more attached to the two protagonists if they were shown as just another couple of scared teenagers trying to escape a madman. Maybe give a bit more character to the people around them. Syr acts like he is somehow special and intelligent and the rest of the restaurant-goers are just sheep to be protected. Maybe that is part of his character, but it doesn't give me a reason to like him.

Sorry to be so critical. You have something here, if you flesh it out. I'm not a huge fan of serious scifi/fantasy (I prefer more humorous writers, like Terry Pratchett), so I don't feel a major connection to this story, but people who like this kind of thing would enjoy it. Don't give up! Good luck!

 

[DethVanXan]

I fear those 12-16 year old girls and Twightlight-esque stories. I much prefer this site.

Trust me, I hate them too, but it's a really good website otherwise. The stories can be downloaded to e-readers and they offer advice on self-publishing. Sucessful authors can even make some money off sales of their books. Just check it out, it's worth a look.

 

[Detective Prince]

Being a writer myself I know how hard it is to write a story. XD Mines near completion though, just need to sort out a few finer points in my final draft.

Making a paragraph/chapter flow is important. It can mean changing repeated words, extending certain parts and, in some cases, using more simple language.

The line "Every window in a four (remember use words not numbers) block radius was shattered" I, personally, would have written..."Every window in a four block radius was shattered, the world seemingly turned to something much more violent as glass erupted into the air..."

But again there's not much I can tell you in way of flow. Our styles are clearly different all I'm saying is for such a dramatic moment add dramatic language, make the reader almost feel for a moment they're in there.

 

[SckizoBoy]

Hmmm... @LiberalSquirrel has pretty much gotten the main things I wanted to say... and more (if a bit bluntly).

Anyway, the general outline is intriguing and your writing style is robust if a bit on the plain side (works well for the action though it's not quite... visceral enough). However, it just doesn't read particularly well, because the way it's presented makes me think of contemporary setting, but enter the big guy and I'm suddenly confused. Is this supposed to be steampunk? Also, don't quantify in an action sequence, because it is more to do with sensation and response rather than analysis. The narrative doesn't flow that well, stuttering with descriptions and action that are poorly melded. Recollection, reflection, reverie, reversion, reaction is probably the best way of laying the passage you've presented us, that way, you can smoothly go from info dumping to pure action to hook the reader and maintain the pace.

 

[Groxian]

It's realy hard to deterimine what the whole experience with context, but I must say I'm really interested, though your writing could use some refinement and extra depth and feel to it.

P.S. could you maybe upload what you have so far somewhere. and place a link in the thread
thanks

 

[Chiefmon]

It's realy hard to deterimine what the whole experience with context, but I must say I'm really interested, though your writing could use some refinement and extra depth and feel to it.

P.S. could you maybe upload what you have so far somewhere. and place a link in the thread
thanks

Added a link to the first two chapters.

 

[SckizoBoy]

Added a link to the first two chapters.

Haven't read them (will do), but just one question: have you written the entire book yet?

Because if you haven't, there's little point in editing just what you've done now. It's better if you've got the entire story plus details, plus action etc. down in writing so you can determine just what needs editing and how.