So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[McFlabbergasty]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

 

[Captain Pancake]

Believe me, lack of contact doesn't give you any resistance from the pain of emotional turmoil. If anything it makes it worse. I'm infrequently amorous, but every time it falls apart it hurts just as bad.

 

[xDarc]

You are your own worst enemy. Everyone else makes it look easy because they're not obsessing over it. Try to just relax and be pleasant with others.

 

[Guffe]

You asked one girl out.
Ask another, maybe she won't be as much of an ass to just delay it and the next one will say yes, go on a few dates or then she sais no. If that's the case you ask the next cute girl you bump into.
Don't know if that was too straight forward but that's life.
I don't know how it is for you but I live in such a small town that I'll wait for the dating thing untill I go study to a bigger city, and here in Finland we don't nececerally have the same dating system as were you live.
Good luck with finding a girl! Don't give up.

 

[kurupt87]

You should post this in the advice forum, they're a caring and helpful bunch.

 

[Lilani]

-snip-

Just remember there's a difference between finding a girl for a long-term relationship and finding a girl to "hook up" with. There are a LOT more girls out there who will have sex with you than there are who are actually right for you.

 

[Rhaff]

Man, that really sucks. From what I can tell, as you have deduced by yourself, your lack of emotional and physical connection with other people, stems from your lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.
There is really nobody who can fix that other than you, find something that you are good at, take pride in it and show it off, is one way to build it up, however it will not get you the whole way.
As for the insecurity in asking girls out, trial and error is the only way to go. You get nowhere by giving up, and it will further hut your self-confidence if you do.

Just my 2 cents, however I am not quite sure what the purpose of the thread is, since you dont really state a question, you only describe the problem.

 

[LiberalSquirrel]

In my opinion, you're thinking about this the wrong way. Don't set your goal as "having a first kiss" or a "first relationship" or whatever. That'll just mean that you end up with the first girl that will say yes- which is not the means to have a good relationship.

Being a virgin/not having been in a relationship isn't a bad thing, by any stretch of the imagination. It only means that... well, that you haven't been in a relationship. But you say you've "stopped trying," and perhaps that's part of your problem. The way you've described yourself (in a cycle of self-pity, not trying for a relationship, et cetera) isn't going to make you attractive to the opposite sex. I can't say uniformly, of course, but I know that in my opinion, at least, a guy who's given up and doesn't seem to want to bother with me isn't going to attract my attention.

Finding a potential girl isn't really that hard- if you think a girl is cute, go up, talk to her, and if you seem to click well and she interests you, ask her out for coffee/a movie/whatever. If she says no, rinse and repeat the next time someone catches your eye. If she says yes... well, there you go. No need to despair.

 

[Vivi22]

You asked one girl out.
Ask another, maybe she won't be as much of an ass to just delay it and the next one will say yes, go on a few dates or then she sais no. If that's the case you ask the next cute girl you bump into.
Don't know if that was too straight forward but that's life.
I don't know how it is for you but I live in such a small town that I'll wait for the dating thing untill I go study to a bigger city, and here in Finland we don't nececerally have the same dating system as were you live.
Good luck with finding a girl! Don't give up.

I agree with you. Honestly, dating is a bit of a numbers game. If you never ask out anyone or give up at the first sign of rejection then you will get nowhere. Accept that you will be rejected, and probably be rejected a lot, but if you put yourself out there enough you're bound to run into some people eventually that you like and can have a relationship with.

 

[Lionsfan]

You should post this in the advice forum, they're a caring and helpful bunch.

This right here is some dam good advise. Seem unlike the advice forum where I am not people are nice and helpful. Unlike here when I have to hold back on making snide comments because I dont feel like getting suspended today.


If you couldnt tell I am not a big fan of the waaaaaah take pity on me I have no confidence and am a pussy ass little ***** threads.

But you still took the time to comment on this? And you didn't even reverse troll it like RAK to add emphasis...why did you comment again?


OT: My 2 cents is not to worry about it, I know it seems like you're way behind everybody, but trust me you're not. My advice for you is to just relax, do what believer258 said and start working out/excercising[footnote]totally true what he said about excercise[/footnote], and don't judge your "failure" based on one girl who acted pretty rude however many years ago

 

[Mista Gav]

Believe me when I say you are not the only person in this situation. I'm in my third year at uni, 21 years old and have terrible luck with the women. Asked one girl out who I thought I had a chance with and got rejected, having crap luck on dating websites to the point where my mates taken over. I'm also in that state of self-pity, loneliness, depression and paranoia where I can't figure out where I'm going wrong and everyone is going right so don't think like your the only person in the world.

You just gotta hang in there, try not to worry about it and keep the optimism up because when you do get a girl, it'll be all the more special...at least that's what I say to myself to keep me going!

 

[McFlabbergasty]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

 

[ZeroMachine]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

How about you tell us why you DON'T have self confidence? We can go from there.

 

[Xanthious]

Relationships are over rated fella. The most miserable people I know are married. You need to start looking at the glass as half full rather than half empty. You have the freedom most people in relationships would kill for. You answer to nobody but yourself. Christ man, I know married men that would stab themselves repeatedly in an arm or leg to to be able to leave the house with friends for one night. Sure being a tad lonely might suck from time to time but being saddled down with some life sucking shrew of a girlfriend will suck every single minute of the day. And hell if you really want some "companionship" there is always backpage.com . . . ya know for the personals section certainly not for the "escorts and massage" section

 

[ExileNZ]

Here's my personal advice: don't try.

I'm not saying you should actively avoid relationships or girls (or personal hygiene), but almost every relationship I've ever been in started within a couple of weeks of me deciding that I was okay with myself and actually quite liked this whole 'being single' thing.

Not just telling myself that, but firmly believing it.

That whole "chicks dig confidence" schtick? That's it, right there.

As the Tao of Rayne says, the fool focuses on the 99% who say no, while the wise man focuses on the 1% who say yes.

This doesn't mean you need to get rejected 99 times to get somewhere, it just means you need to not care or worry about what comes next.

 

[McFlabbergasty]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

How about you tell us why you DON'T have self confidence? We can go from there.

Well I feel academically inferior, for starters. By that I mean I'm not getting as many As as I require to keep my sanity. Also I got rejected from the original college I applied to and had to settle with a lesser, but still good, institution instead.

And being alone with my dad for eight years (literally), I get the feeling that no-one in the world wants to associate with either of us for some mysterious reason. He's a people person but has had to get by on selling things over the internet to keep food on the table so that he could work while not having to answer to a boss. And I've been The Shy Kid from the start. You put those two together and it means basically zero contacts in eight years of living in Atlanta.

I feel like my dad is Tom Hanks and I am a goddamned volleyball.

 

[LiberalSquirrel]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

1) Well, that's good.

2) Say... "hi?" No, I'm not being sarcastic. Always a good start. And after that, it depends on where you are. If you see her in class, start a conversation about the homework, or the professor, or the last exam. If it's in a coffee shop, start talking about how much you like the place, or that it's your first time here, but you've heard good things, does she come here often? Or whatever is applicable to the situation. The actual conversation starter isn't too important. What matters is that you're starting a conversation at all. Theoretically, you'll start talking about more interesting/personal things after whatever inane conversation starter you used. For instance- a new friend of mine and I ended up talking about Skyrim, when he had approached me to talk about a project in class.

3) That is the tough part. ...You really just have to convince yourself that you're a prize. You work out, so I would assume you're fit, yes? Just look in the mirror, nod, and say, "Yeah, I look good." Out loud, even, if you really want to. And mean it. Start thinking about things that you like about yourself, that make you unique. Not just "I look good." But... anything. "I rock at FPSs," "I can bench-press X pounds," "I can whistle 'O Fortuna,'" whatever. Everyone has traits that make them unique and awesome. Realize what those are for you. That'll help.