So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[CaptOfSerenity]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

Well, thers's this really simple solution: it's called stop giving a shit.

Seriously, if a girl turns you down, who cares? Just brush it off. Everybody gets turned down. There are thousands/millions of girls in your city. Just stop caring and try harder. Ask help from your friends (and you don't have any, get some, put yourself out there). Most importantly, stop feeling sorry for yourself, because everybody else has.

That's not an insult; it's just the way it is. Get confident.

 

[lacktheknack]

Edit: also don't listen to the guy with the cat avatar, brothels are immoral.

brothels are immoral.

Thefuck? Seriously the fuck!? The fuckidy fuck fuck of fucks?!

SURPRISE! Someone dislikes brothels. How does it feel now that your world is crashing down around you now that someone - GASP - dislikes something you like?!

Although he's right. I've read and watched some extremely disturbing stuff about the many, many strip-clubs/whore-houses/lounges/etc. that support sex trafficking, something that's UNDENIABLY immoral. Chances are, if you go to more than one seedy club, you've participated in extremely illegal activities by accident.

 

[])rStrangelove]

I've been thinking about getting into a musical instrument so I can appear cooler and be proficient at something that I can show off to others. ....

But I've heard that almost anybody can pick up guitar, even in their twenties and thirties. Is there truth to this claim, guitar-playing Escapists?

More importantly, would it help me towards my goal?

Ok seriously,

you sound like someone who has to show something great to others. It's not working that way.

1. Find something YOU really like doing and start doing it.
2. Stop looking around for something to stick your **** in. It makes you look insecure, its insulting to girls and IT WON'T MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON.
3. Stop putting yourself under pressure by making up some goals. Your life is NOT an archievement and intercourse is NOT something you collect and put on the shelf for everyone to admire.


Jeez, wake up, enjoy YOUR life, enjoy YOUR hobbies and stop looking for GOALs to accomplish.

 

[tzimize]

-snip-

PS- my capcha is sensible Kextene. It sounds like a slow burning fuel. I wonder how explosive Whacky Kextene is?

While I find captcha pretty damn annoying it is also a source of endless entertainment for those with an adventurous mind. Now I want to buy some wacky Kextene ^^

OT: I already said mine some posts up >.>

 

[Nyaliva]

I've been thinking about getting into a musical instrument so I can appear cooler and be proficient at something that I can show off to others. Trouble is I've never played a musical instrument before outside of a few failed attempts to play the piano two years ago. I couldn't learn that effectively because I didn't start at an early enough age, according to a band geek friend of mine from grade school.

The thing is, whenever I start doing something, I do it with the intent of becoming the absolute end-all be-all grandmaster who will shame everybody else who tries to come close. I wouldn't be content with being an "OK guitar player" in my hypothetical group of friends. I would rather be, "the mad genius who can cure AIDS with his insane guitar skills." At least then I can have something tangible to pin my identity on. I would very much like a firm stake in the ground that I can hold onto even in troubled times like these.

But I've heard that almost anybody can pick up guitar, even in their twenties and thirties. Is there truth to this claim, guitar-playing Escapists?

More importantly, would it help me towards my goal?

I play piano, which I started at the age of 5, but then I stopped and when I got back into it 9 years later I apparently had the right form naturally. So it certainly helps if you started at an early age, and is certainly necessary if you want to become a prodigy. However, I think anyone can get into a musical instrument, although I'd suggest something like trumpet or flute if you've never played anything before. I personally found I could pick up a guitar easily for a music assignment, however, if I wanted to become really proficient I would've had to spend some more time on it, and that's coming from a musician from a musical family! People like guitar because it feels like they're proficient quickly and so they stick with it to become proficient. However, I still believe a woodwind or brass instrument would be best, violin is good but you really need to get the form right first before you start cranking out the music, which by the way would mostly have to be classical as you won't have a drum beat or bass behind you.

You remind me a lot of me, I've been overweight for my whole life and I keep wishing I could be like the fitness models who look awesome and can benchpress their friends. I keep saying this'll be the year (which it will be from January 1st! ). However, I do have other parts to my personality which help me stand out in my group of friends. I would suggest something easier than a musical instrument such as writing or wood-work or even gaming, however don't get rid of the idea, musical instruments are always good. Just rememeber, you don't have to be the grandmaster, you just have to be better than the people who know you! Martial arts is a good choice too, helps with confidence as a bonus.

As to music helping your lady-ing, it could help, but it's not going to make her automatically love you. What, you just say "Hey, I can play the guitar like a mad-pro" and then she says "Take me now!"? No, not how it works, you've got to be multi-layered and you have to have confidence. To be honest, I've never had a girlfriend either, but then I've never cared for one in high school. Why go about devoting all your time to a girl only to break her heart at the end of school or before? But now I'm older, I am actually looking for a serious relationship, as soon as I'm the fitness model I wish I was!

So why take advice from a guy who's in the same situation as you? Because while I've never bothered to have a girlfriend, I was friends with almost every girl in my grade and if any of them came up to talk to me I'd be able to talk right back like a normal person. That is what confidence is and does. If you want to talk to a girl, just do it as if they were a friend or at least an aquaintence. Don't think you want to look good in front of her, just think you want to talk!

Have fun!

 

[rutger5000]

Look the lack of experience of physical contact should not bother you this much, it's perfectly natrual that it does, but ti shouldn't. Yeah ít's rather awkward, and believe me I know how you feel (barely had any experience myself).
But if the lack of experience bothers you so terible much, just go visite a prostitute when you reach the right age (please do yourself a favor and don't do anything that drastic before you're 25 or something).
About that negative view of yourself. You simply have to force yourself to ignore that, don't feel sorry for yourself, no mather how pathetic you might feel. We all have momements, days, weeks or months that we feel really bad about oursefl, but no one has ever gotten better by feeling sorry for him/her self. So stop that, and yes it is that simple, just stop that.
Also Gwenten Knaff gave some great advice, asking for more probably wouldn't hurt. (but I recomend a sport as a hobby, as the chemicals the body produces during sport will make you feel better.)

 

[Jaythulhu]

*snip*

I'm now 100% sure I'm a far, far better person than you. You try to use Peta as a morally upstanding group, then claim the UK is morally superior to anywhere else? Your head is stuck somewhere past Alpha Centauri, champ.

Still, thanks for letting me know what a fruit-loop you are. I now find myself sorry I spent so much time crafting logical, reasonable and humanist based debating points with you, when you're quite obviously a god-bothering loony who has no clue as to what they're actually talking about.
Let me guess, you tried to defend christianity over the whole pedophilia thing too, right?

----------

OT: To the OP, you're incredibly young, there's plenty of time for you to get involved with women. You really need to become comfortable being by yourself and in your own company first though. Unless you're confident by yourself, you'll give off an air of desperation and depression to the women you're trying to meet, and that will scare them off.

I'm a little jaded, having been through many relationships (the less said about my marriage the better) both good and bad, but the best advice I can give you is, until you've got confidence in yourself, women aren't going to stick around. They (for the most part) actually tend to have a lot of esteem and confidence issues, and look to their menfolk for emotional support. If you can't give them that (and somehow they can tell, just by looking at you), they'll run a mile.

All that said, in the end, when talking to a woman all she wants is for you to agree with her. She doesn't want you to actually listen, or to offer advice or opinions or anything, just for you to tell her she's right and that everything's going to be fine. Get that down pat (and find a non-crude way to make 'em laugh every now and then) and things should flow for ya.

Just get your own confidence and self-reliance up first. If you can't enjoy your own company, how can you ask a woman to?

 

[Jaythulhu]

Frag me, who'd have thought a bit of lag could create so many double posts?

 

[Phoenixlight]

But the most telling thing in this quote: "Even if the person is incredibly overweight, ugly or disabled." Heaven forbid! Why would anyone want to have sex with "ugly" people? Or *ick* the disabled! (After all, it was a "wrong choice" for that guy to get hit by a drunk driver and lose the use of his left leg.)

I don't know, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being disabled or ugly I'm simply making the point that both parties should want to have sex with each other rather than just one with the other person dreading it and or being forced into it.

But to insinuate you don't do anything "bad" is ridiculous. You've made a teeny-tiny list of things you consider "bad," and just said, "See? I don't do any of those." Those aren't the world's only "bad" things, mate. They're just the list of things you think make someone "less good" (aka worse) than yourself.

I could make a huge list if I wanted to, I don't know what you consider "bad" but the things I listed are all valid.

Newsflash -- your callous judgment of the "ugly" or overweight or handicapped as awful people? That's a "bad" thing. Your use of unsupported claims, or outright falsehoods, touted as facts? Yeah, that's lying -- pretty bad. Your forum health meter seems to suggest you have trouble playing well with others on a repeated basis -- surely that's not a trait for a "good" person to ahve. And swearing, well, that's another one, isn't it? Maybe not on your list, but on someone else's. Who's to say their not right, meaning you're "bad" like the rest of us?

Your claims of moral superiority are little more than building your own personal "hill" out of dirt and then declaring yourself King of it. Your royal edicts have no basis in reality, and they have no power in the real world.

Don't lie to try and make your post look better, I never said that fat, disabled and ugly people are awful, I simply used them as an example of the sort of people that the average person probably wouldn't want to have sex with. Everything I've said so far is true, you seem upset probably because you participate in some of these immoral activities. My forum health meter is low because there's a lot of useless moderators on this website who believe that if someone quotes another user replying with only 5-6 words that they deserve a 2 week ban for "low post content" which is simply stupid. Swearing at other people in real life isn't a very nice thing to do and I don't do it. Also, my claims of moral superiority are incredibly justified.

I'm now 100% sure I'm a far, far better person than you. You try to use Peta as a morally upstanding group, then claim the UK is morally superior to anywhere else? Your head is stuck somewhere past Alpha Centauri, champ.

Still, thanks for letting me know what a fruit-loop you are. I now find myself sorry I spent so much time crafting logical, reasonable and humanist based debating points with you, when you're quite obviously a god-bothering loony who has no clue as to what they're actually talking about.
Let me guess, you tried to defend christianity over the whole pedophilia thing too, right?

PETA are a good organisation, not everyone who supports them is good but that's just the way of the world. You'll never find a company or group that doesn't have some bad people in it which is why there has been issues with certain U.K. Newspapers and privacy. However, putting aside privacy which doesn't really physically hurt anyone, the UK is actually a fantastic country with a National Health Service, strict gun control and properly upheld human rights. I guess you're not better than me after all then which is hardly surprising. I know exactly what I'm talking about and I wasn't defending the pope or anyone else to do with the pedophilia in Christianity. I follow no religion yet I'm not an atheist.

 

[McFlabbergasty]

I guess there's nothing else to be gained by asking the Internet for help...

Time to actually do stuff!

 

[ultrachicken]

You're having trouble because you're in love with having a girlfriend, not with a woman. People can smell that desperation.

 

[lilmizzazle]

I have been in a few relationships before, and lost my virginity, but hell, i've gone soon four years without being even close to sex! i went from a guy with no self-confidence, then i got a girlfriend, felt great and suddenly i startet to notice more girls giving me attention, i was almost at the brink of dumping her because i had so much more to "do" at that point, but i didnt. after a while we broke up and suddenly, no attention from girls anymore, those who gave me attention, either broke my heart or just suddenly didn't feel like talking to me anymore. this has teared me down back to the person i used to be, and here i am, feeling like a virgin again. I am a muscician, songwriter and an artist, and trust me, it actully isnt as effective as one would think! most girls are like "cool, you write songs? but they don't sound like rihanna/lady gaga, and you don't play acoustic songs and sing? well, get away from me then!"

I am not willing to sell my soul for pussy! But sometimes it seems like the only way.

 

[Cowabungaa]

Time to actually do stuff!

That's actually the best thing to do, really. As Dastardly has explained extensively, it's the best way to go about this. Or to put it in his well-written words:

Get out there, try relationships, come face-to-face with yourself, learn the things you like and the things you don't, test everything, hold on to the good. Even when we mine gold, it's not beautiful -- we know it's gold, but it doesn't shine until after we've put it to the fire and burned away the garbage.

I got nothing to add to that really, I can only recommend that you follow that advice.

Also, my claims of moral superiority are incredibly justified.

Except that, y'know, you lie, generalise, paint opinions as facts and generally make shit up. Every prostitute is forced into a brothel...ha, funny man.

 

[Kailat777]

I guess there's nothing else to be gained by asking the Internet for help...

Time to actually do stuff!

This is the best thing you can possibly think, assuming by 'do stuff' you mean 'ask someone out'. Regarding your guitar comment. If picking up the guitar will only be a means to a girlfriend (meaning, you otherwise have no interests in a guitar), do no such thing. If there IS something you have interest in that would be attractive, then by all means, go for it. It's pointless to do something that isn't 'you' to attract a girl, because then she won't be attracted to 'you', and a relationship of that sort certainly won't last.

The critical points to finding a lady who wants to be with you are: Be confident and be yourself. Don't hesitate to ask out any girl you want, even if she's clearly out of your league (seriously, you'd be surprised). If she says no, you lived and possibly learned something from the experience. If she says yes, congratulations, mission accomplished!

 

[Angie7F]

In a modern society the shitty people shouldn't be allowed to run such things. If you look at a morally superior country like the United Kingdom or Japan you can see that they have advanced to a point where the people in charge have made brothels illegal. I'm not really that surprised by Australia lagging behind but it will get there

I'm sorry to keep the prostitution debate going, but I just need to point out that in Japan prostitution is illegal, but actually if you go to a legal " soap land" bath house, you will be able to have sex.

Even the police know, it is a commonly accepted fact, and therefore, prostitution is allowed in Japan.

Also the is a huge industry of "health" services that engagin in all sexual acts except from perpetration of sexual organs, ( anal sex is allowed).

And as you can imagine, Japan is a wealthy country and most girls choose to work there as a profession, just like Australian brothels.

To say that any country has totally illegalized prostitution is naive.


Anyhow, back to the topic...

I agree that you should stop looking, but " to hell with it" attitude will get you no where.
You have to act non chalant , but keep looking, if that makes any sense.


Now, Japan today is interesting because over 60% of men n the heir 20s are single and not even looking to be in a relationship.

Many of these men say that they can sexually satisfy themselves with porn, sex services etc, and don't want to have to pay for dates, give up weekends and worry about marriage in the future.

I know you are different because you actually want to be in one, but maybe it is just that there is trend for people to be more disconnected from one another than in the past....