So I've Never Had Physical Contact Before...?

[Magicmad5511]

Yep. I'm pretty much the same. In college and all attempts at relationships have been rejected.
To be honest I wouldn't know where to start. You're actually further along than I am at this point. You've asked a girl out. It didn't work out but at least you tried.
All I've had is that 2 girls in past years found out I had crushes on them, then before anything came of they ended up moving.

Just keep trying. Try to find someone you've got something in common with.

 

[TJC]

Oh for the love of...
First of all, being a virgin is not a curse and not something to lament about, no matter what age. I lost my big V with 20, got my first real relationship with 21. In the end, nobody cares about numbers.
Second, if you want a relationship, stop appearing so fucking desperate.

If your desperation is palpable through my screen on the other side of the planet then you're doing it wrong. I mean, right now the only vibes I can get from is "I WANT A FUCK!!!!" and trust me, NO woman wants to be reduced to that. If that's all you want, there's always Craigslist.

If you want something more meaningful, just... STOP!
Stop looking... actively that is. You can do a lot without actually looking for potential mating partners. Surround yourself with people. It's not that hard. Join a club, join aerobic classes, in general just mingle. It will be awkward at first and it means getting out of your comfort zone for a bit but you can ease into it by doing something you really like or always wanted to do (learn a language/martial art/instrument etc). Focus on that new thing and new people will come along, among those probably someone you'd want to have a relationship with.

If someone like that comes along, just be honest. You've met up with someone a couple of time and you noticed that you like her? Tell her. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T BE CREEPY!!!!

Fig.1: "OH MY GOD YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD I LOVE AND WANT TO MAKE FILTHY FILTHY THINGS TO YOU AND YOUR VARIOUS BODY PARTS"
Fig.2: "I saw you and... well, I was about to grab a cup of coffee. Wanna join me?"

Which one is creepy and which one is a normal conversation starter? You decide.

Now, as a final lesson (because I have a feeling that you need it): no matter HOW nice you are and whatever you do: You're NEVER entitled to someone's love. If they don't want to love you (or maybe even like you) you can't make them. Just move on. Let go and move on. Repeat the previous process and it'll work out. (check LoveFAQ's Nice Guy article for good pointers). And if you find another girl that delays the date, just give her the pass. I mean... srsly, don't let people walk all over you.

On a side note: You might wanna check up that lack of self-esteem with a therapist. It does sound like it's creeping towards a full-blown depression.

 

[BehattedWanderer]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

Confidence is one of those things. You have to earn it, but you also have to feel that you've earned it. For a dash more, do something you wouldn't do, or would be too afraid to do. Like Skydiving, where you can get afraid, but have limited room to back out. DON'T LET YOURSELF BACK OUT. Commit. Do what you need to do. Once you're done, and you've done something that before you couldn't even imagine yourself doing, take hold of that accomplishment, and use it as a base to build yourself up.

You say you're fit, and that's good. Without becoming egotistical, take pride in the work you do to keep your body there. I don't know what you're studying, but anyone looking for good qualities in someone will always want them to be educated. These are things you can use to pretend, if nothing else, that you're a confident person. It'll take time to really build it up, and many things will come and knock it about, but you have to bear through it.

If you need help talking to girls, find someone you might like beyond just a physical connection, you know what you're looking for. Start by saying "hi", and follow it up with your name. Ask her some of her interests, and if any are things you'd like to do, put the idea to her that you could do them together, as soon as you can. Just doing that is a great start. Don't be forceful or creepy about it, just say something like "Oh, you like canoeing? Hey, me too! We should go sometime." Pretend this isn't a serious offer for a bit, with whatever topic you have. If she responds with a joking "yeah, we could do that", the idea is there. Don't dwell on it. Keep talking to her. Then, after a brief period of time (or when the weather looks decent, if it's an outdoors thing), ask her about it. "Hey, you like canoeing right? It should be perfect out this weekend for it, you want to go?" It's not simple, by any means, and finding a shared interest might take a few tries, but keep at it, or try it with a couple of different girls.

You got this, man. You can do it.

 

[Digitaldreamer7]

Go to a gentleman's club, those girls might just help you be a bit more comfortable in your skin.

 

[longboardfan]

As a thirty year old virgin, I want to let you know that it doesn't get any less painful as you get older. I recommend drugs and/or MMO's like WoW or the new Star Wars MMO to drown out your feelings. It'll help make the next ten years or so slightly less painful.

 

[Kuroneko97]

My idea of romance has been corrupted by the form of entertainment and animation know as Anime.

I'm currently getting myself over a friend I liked. He figured out I liked him (which probably fucked my chances with a twenty-foot pole), so I told him that since he doesn't feel the same way, I won't pursue him anymore.

I'm as inexperienced as you, except I'm 14. The best advice I can think of is to do something to cheer yourself up or get your mind off of it. Me? I'm eating and drinking sugar, and in a bit I'll start drawing after finishing some homework while listening to music.

If doing enjoyable or distracting things doesn't help, there's always your right hand. They'll always be there for you.

Always.

 

[Cowabungaa]

Your first relationship will not be successful.

Hah, my brother begs to differ.

Still, you're right on the money with the rest, but I think you miss something too; the OP first has to love himself, and only then is he ready to love someone else as well.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

Really? For starters, you can be pretty damn proud of this:

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that

Shows a certain spirit, a level determination and adulthood not every college-age person has, and something you can be pretty damn proud of.

 

[Fwee]

Just remember that when you do get to experience it, it's going to be so worth the wait.

 

[LHZA]

Don't sweat it. You should work on yourself before you enter a relationship, and make sure you're happy with who you are. When you're ready it will happen, and don't expect a relationship to magically make you feel better about yourself. It may for a short while but eventually you're low self esteem and other problems will resurface. Not that relationships aren't great, or can be. Also don't mind rejection so much. Everyone gets rejected, you are nothing special in that regard. If one girl says no to you, just immediately rebound and ask another girl out. Eventually one will say yes.

 

[DiMono]

Walk up to any random girl and say hello. Share a brief conversation, and then say goodbye and walk away. No expectations, you're just walking up to someone and saying hi. It doesn't even matter whether they like or dislike you, because in less than a minute you'll never see them again.

Do this as many times as possible until you're comfortable with the process. Then, start holding slightly longer conversations; long enough to actually find things out about them. Don't ask for phone numbers, don't try to arrange another meeting, you're still only setting out to get comfortable talking to women.

The point of this process is nothing more than proving to yourself that talking to girls isn't scary. You gain confidence by doing, so go out and do! And who knows, maybe one of those random girls you're talking to will end up asking for your phone number as you're getting ready to leave. Don't expect this, but if it happens, make sure to add "and what's yours?" after you give it to her.

The only reason talking to girls is frightening is that we build it up. Once you're used to doing it, it's no big deal.

 

[DiMono]

How to get comfortable talking to girls

Once you're comfortable talking with them, you'll eventually end up in a relationship with one of them. When that happens, don't focus on physical contact. I know the thought will be in your mind, because it's something you've always wanted, but ignore it and focus on getting to know her, and on building connections with her. The physical stuff will come naturally as the relationship grows, but if you try to force it early you'll push her away.

Assuming you don't meet "the one" your first time out, with each relationship you will learn more about yourself and what you're comfortable with doing / able to do physically. It's almost guaranteed you'll kiss your first girlfriend, and as you gain experience in relationships, you'll learn how to get to various points faster without alienating your partner. But that's something that comes with time, and if you're in your second year of college, that's something you still have plenty of.


(Sorry for breaking it up into two posts, but I felt the contents were distinct enough to warrant it in order to avoid confusion)

 

[Giftfromme]

Start online, but don't end it there. Just try talking to randoms and saying things you normally would not dream of saying to a girl in real life. Gage the reactions etc, and aim for a number game, don't concentrate on "one" girl or whatever. Then move into saying those same things to girls in real life, and you will see you can get away with a lot of things.

Case in point? Watch the Simple Pickup series on YouTube. The guys will show you that anything is possible. But to truly assess your situation, I would need to know more about you.

 

[ghostrider9876]

I'm getting a fucking divorce. Relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be.



In all seriousness, I had no girlfriends in high school, only one in college. I didn't get to have sex until my mid-20's. So I can completely understand the frustration you're feeling. My advice: Don't worry so much about it, find happiness with yourself first, and don't try too hard to find someone. When you're happy with yourself, others will be able to see that, and when you aren't trying too hard you won't come off as desperate--both of which will serve to make you more attractive to chicks. Just relax and let it come to you.

 

[Mayamellissa]

I am in my second year of commuting to college and I still am just as much of a virgin as the day I was born. I have always had next to no self-confidence at all, meaning few if any friends. All throughout high school I would think "this is the year I'll have my first kiss with a girl" or "my first relationship" or whatever. I don't understand how everyone else around has such an easy time finding partners. I feel like I've skipped the whole teenager phase of my life and just became a dead-behind-the-eyes old man with regards to this whole love thing.

I tried to ask a girl out in my sophomore year of high school. She said yes, but then nothing came out of it because she kept making excuses to delay the date. We hardly even knew each other. Ever since then I have stopped trying. But I want to ask a girl out again some day.

I'm just sick of this cycle of self-pity and loneliness and depression. I want to experience what relationships are like. Right now I feel so disconnected from the rest of humanity that I actually feel happy when I see or hear about other people breaking up from their relationships. I for one don't see myself as being distraught over a break-up, if I ever get to have one.

Okay. Who are you and why are you speaking of my life via a guy's view-point?

 

[Mayamellissa]

Believe me, lack of contact doesn't give you any resistance from the pain of emotional turmoil. If anything it makes it worse. I'm infrequently amorous, but every time it falls apart it hurts just as bad.

You're right about the lack of contact making pain of emotional turmoil worse.

 

[Right Hook]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

You said you aren't even trying anymore but that's not true, is it? The simple fact that you posted this means you still care, you still want this. Don't say things like "I'm not trying" just to save face. Truth is you haven't found a girl you like that is into you. That is NOT your fault, life is random and sometimes it can be shitty to someone who doesn't deserve, it seems like you don't deserve it, I'm sorry it's been this way. I've never had the best of luck myself but I work on it, I have plans and I keep trying, things will work out.

I know what you mean about being emotionally disconnected, I am extremely emotionally disconnected. It happens when you spend enough time alone, it stacks up against you, fight through that shit, dude. It is good that you are working out, especially if you need it, it'll help your look better and it'll make you feel better about yourself. Sometimes it can be hard to walk up on a girl cold, so try to find ways to engage them where it is easier to talk, like being in a group or sitting near them. You don't even need a good reason, just say...something, anything. Some will blow you off and it'll hurt a lot because your confidence is completely shot but keep working and with success it'll improve. As for "creating self-confidence" you simply can't do that. So FAKE it, I know it sounds weird, just man the hell up and act like you have a little confidence, find a way, whatever works, make shit up that helps you feel better.

Lastly I'm going to tell you the same words someone very wise told me when it came to this sort of thing...Do or do not, there is no try.

 

[tobyornottoby]

I greatly appreciated all the help, folks.

A couple of other things to be mentioned...

1) I already have a workout routine. I stay very physically contained and I generally keep my cardio up far higher than average. I'm not an athlete; I hate sports. I just workout to keep fit in spite of that.

2) I just find it hard to decide on what to say when I spy an attractive lady nearby.

3) I see very little *reason* to be self-confident. Everybody I've mentioned this problem to says "get more self-confidence". But my question is "How?" or "From where?". Is it something you gain by being awesome at playing the guitar or some shit like that? Or is it something you can spontaneously generate within yourself with the snap of a finger?

1) How about your looks? I used to lack confidence too but the moment I took contacts instead of glasses, put stuff in my hair, got some better looking clothes etc, those things just grant confidence.

2) You could try something silly. One summer we used "do you have any house pets?" as a pick up line. But you should worry about this later. Don't worry about them yet, worry about yourself first. Once you have a good foundation to stand on, the rest will come naturally.

3) Short answer: yes. Again, I used to have low confidence. Wherever I was, I preferred people not to notice me, because I was always afraid they would talk funny about me, laugh about me, etc. behind my back. This is a mentality you have to snap change. As others have said, look in the mirror and love yourself. And not just in the mirror, but on the street. Now, when I'm walking, I -want- to be seen. Instead of imagining them finding me ridiculous, I imagine them finding me hot or awesome.

And in the end, it doesn't really matter what they think at all. As long as you yourself are confident, it just works.

As for not having some skill or work or hobby to be confident about, yeah you do need something like that. Something that's in your comfort zone, something you're proud of. Then, when you're somewhere related to this, you are more naturally relaxed, etc.

 

[postblitz]

you need to masturbate then go take a good shower, put on some comfortable, decent clothing and then just walk up to any girl you like and ask them if they'd like to come for a coffee/juice this evening. don't just go for one girl, and don't be too forward and cut the reply very short.