So I've sorta fallen in love [Or: how to meet women]

[Twinrehz]

I suspect I might have fallen in love with someone. She has a beautiful, almost coy smile, and looks like an interesting girl. So what's the problem?

Well, she's a photo of someone that I found online, and judging by the watermark, she's from Chile, which is far away from here.

It got me thinking though, how the hell am I supposed to meet people? I assume I have to change something about my life, but I'm not sure what. I currently work in a shop, which to me doesn't seem like an ideal place to check up women. My social life is also basically non-existent, the time I don't spend at work, I spend in my room in a shared household (populated with strangers; friendly people, but strangers nonetheless), and occasionally I visit my parents, which is way out on the countryside.

I truly don't like going out on town either, because I really don't see the point. I've been told that you don't meet people there anyway, there's mostly just those out for a one-night stand or for meat, and I'm not exactly the kind of meat that would be chosen solely for my looks (I'm somewhat chubby, though not obese). It's also so loud you have to yell at the top of your lungs to be heard, adding to the already deafening noise. Conversations are done almost entirely by shouting into other people's ears, because that's the only way to be heard. It's not a place I enjoy being for too long (at least not without good friends), and I imagine the kind of girl I'd like (personality-wise) wouldn't be in that kind of place either.

Right now I'm not likely to do anything with it, I'll hopefully be moving away from this place in a few months time, but I'd like some ideas on how to meet women in a more relaxed environment than a bar at 2 a.m in the morning. I have some hobbies, which will be easier to pursue once I've moved town. Other than that, I'm not sure. Like I said, I don't get around much, I'm much more comfortable at home, pondering with my own stuff. I don't take much interest in other people, in my opinion they're not all that interesting, and a lot of them are actually obnoxious and dumb.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is: where can I meet girls in such a way that it's not uncomfortable for them or me? Keep in mind that this is Norway we're talking about. Randomly talking to strangers on the street will label you as a total weirdo.

Spoiler: For those curious about what caught my eye

Not helped by the fact that she's cosplaying as Sona, one of my favourite characters from LoL. I guess I should stop looking at it. Although it makes me smile, I'm also reminded by how lonely I am.

EDIT: I'm also aware of the VERY obvious cleavage on the picture, and just want to clarify that it's not why I fell in love.

 

[Lilani]

From what I can tell all you've got so far is physical infatuation. She's pretty, she LOOKS interesting, but you don't know a thing about her. Anything you think you know about her character and personality is complete speculation on your part. That isn't what I consider to be "love," and I suspect many will feel the same way. Love and liking the way someone looks are two completely different things. Love requires a certain understanding of a person's character and their chemistry with yours. Physical infatuation is...well, physical infatuation. They're pretty, that's it.

So first of all, in your future endeavors at finding someone, I suggest you put those two ideas on two different sides of a very carefully constructed fence. No doubt you will find a lot pretty about the person you truly fall in love with, but physical attractiveness is as much of an indicator of chemistry as physical unattractiveness. But know that at least when I talk about "love," I'm talking about long-term relationships, not just hooking up with people or short-term things. I'm afraid my advice will not be good for finding those kinds of relationships.

I've had a boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and at this point we consider ourselves to be in that preparatory stage before becoming engaged (he's got four semesters of school left so now isn't exactly the time, but perhaps in another year or so). We met through a church group we both attend. Before him I had one other boyfriend, who I met through a Japanese animation club at the university we were both attending. In both cases, we were friends before either of us realized the possibility of romance between us.

So my experience with "love" is that a lot of relationships start as friendships. BUT, also know I did not become friends with either of them with the intention of making one of them my boyfriend. We were simple friends, but as I got to know them better I decided there was something more there. So my advice for that is, go out and make friends. I realize that's a lot harder when you don't have regularly scheduled events like school functions to attend, but find some people in places that you know you will have common interests (game and comic shops, conventions, clubs, etc). And again, don't go in there with the intention of finding a relationship. In general that's just not a nice way to treat people, and it's just not healthy to make all of your interactions with the opposite sex strictly about figuring out if you want to go out with them or not.

In conclusion, the common denominators I've found for meeting people you might want to be in a relationship are meeting in places of common interest, and just meeting and knowing lots of people, WITHOUT just meeting them with the intention of finding someone to go out with. I'm an introvert myself so I know how hard this can be, but it's the most effective way I've found to go out with people. Yes it's uncomfortable to meet new people and you may not be the type to want a lot of friends, but it's equally uncomfortable to meet people under the pretense that you're looking for a relationship. Personally I'm a bit freaked out by the idea of a guy I've only just met trying to hook up with me. I am much more comfortable falling in love with a friend.

 

[YoungMan]

Surely you should just go to where the girls are? Certain areas of towns/cities or certain restaurants or bars, I mean I don't know your age so tailor accordingly.

 

[Twinrehz]

-snip-

Yeah, that's pretty much it. I couldn't find another word for it, but physical infatuation works. And yeah, I do feel it's pointless going into something with the intention of finding a partner, I suppose finding a hobby where I can meet other people and be able to talk with them is basically what I'm looking for. Sometimes I feel that I'm just not the guy that people want to talk to. Most conversations I have are over in less than a minute, including most work-related conversations. I'm not one for talking much either, unless it's something I'm interested in, and even then it's often interspersed with infrequent pauses while I figure out something to say.

I feel I come across as dumb saying that it takes time for me to figure out what to say, so let me just clarify that I've never been much involved in normal conversation, and how a conversation can keep going for 10-15 minutes or so without stopping is something that completely baffles me. Also people often go eerily quiet after I've said something, almost as if I just tried to deny the holocaust or something. I don't understand why either, I don't ever feel I say anything that draws a definite end to the conversation.

And like you said, I also need to be comfortable around someone before I could think I have the chance to fall in love with them. For my part it takes a while before I'm comfortable around someone, especially if they look at me like I'm some weird creature that only comes out at night. (I sure hope I'm not THAT ugly...)

Overall, I guess it's self-esteem issues that in the end prevents me from ever bothering to make contact with people. I'm always under the impression that it's best if I just stick to myself, and don't bother anyone with my presence. I know it's not right that I should think that, people will probably let me know if I've overstayed my welcome, or am unwelcome. I'm not good at keeping in touch with friends either, and because noone that I've known over the years have reached out to me again and again to try and invite me over to their place, making me feel like I'm welcome whenever I want to or need to - with one exception, but he lives somewhere else now.

Maybe I've been blind to those that have tried. I haven't spent ALL my years coped up in my own little room, pretending that the world outside doesn't want to know me, but very often it's just me and my computer.

And when you talk to them, don't share the opinion that a lot of people are obnoxious and dumb, it'll make you look obnoxious and dumb.

No, I won't do that. I hardly ever tell anyone that, not sure why I mentioned it here either.

 

[EilaliE]

I will try to avoid repeating what's already been said here in the previous posts. I do strongly recommend you to listen to yourself as well even though you are currently asking other people for help. Do what makes you feel comfortable, and remember you are able to "adjust" things along the way.

It would be great not only for you, but for your own future if you at all times kept in mind to not solely focus on finding a woman/women. You should rather put all of your energy, time and effort into being more confident, building relationships and a social network surrounding you. I know it can be very difficult to do so. No one is telling you to just jump into it and make things happen straightaway - it truly won't work that way. The main reason to do this is because you will be removing all sorts of obstacles which are in your way of eventually finding a lady; it will also increase your chances of getting to know other interesting people.

Do you know anything about exactly where you will be moving? I suggest you should already look up some few places you could actually consider hanging out to have a good time. Who knows what could happen there, you might just bump into someone who will catch all your attention.

Husk nå at dette handler om å bygge stein for stein.

 

[Malpraxis]

Well, I'm from Chile. I can find her for you, and date the hell outta her so you can live vicariously through the videos.

In all seriousness, you need to make friends. I know in your position that advice feels like 'you should grow a third bollock', but women smell desperation a mile away. And you're in a better position to practice than anyone. You said you live with friendly people - practice!. Most people don't have that.

I live alone in a new city. Been here for a month, and made my priority to meet people. How? Start at work, learn everyone's names and be polite, ask them about their day or an interest you manage to pick up from their enviroment. People love to talk about themselves (So far I've been doing so). Next step is to take the interactions outside the workplace. It doesn't have to be a club, but a nice place to chat and have a beer or pizza or anything. Suddenly people at work become your friends. And you will suddenly feel that you feel more confident around friends. Trust me, you will. And those friends have friends of their own, you will eventually know them at future social gatherings. Same strategy, learn their names, talk about their interests. Boom! More friends!. You're suddenly sociable and confident. And that's attractive. Focus on becoming dateable before trying to find a date.