So you've just found out your spouse is a former porn star.

[StBishop]

Leave. Take any kids and leave.

The only way I wouldn't know about this before marrying them is if they purposely hid it from me, which implies deception.

I wouldn't marry someone know has done this, and I have made this clear to all past partners and I will continue to do so. This is because it's not something I'm comfortable with.

So yeah, it's essentially 5 years (plus any/all courtship) of lying. Unacceptable.

 

[Lt._nefarious]

Well provided she has been faithful to me and hasn't given me herpes I'd be a bit taken off guard and probably won't more oral sex but apart from that I'd get over it relatively quickly... Not a big deal, it's her past...

I'd also expect her to be cool with the archive of porn on my computer...

 

[Bloodtrozorx]

13 years ago? Meh. It wouldn't bother me honestly, I can think of many worse things to have been then a small time porn star. That guy needs to chill out and move on. As for the honesty thing, if he didn't ask her if she was a porn star then she didn't lie.

 

[370999]

I know the right answer is that I shouldn't care.

But I would. It would really bother me. I don't know, but the idea of someone having sex with other people for the purpose of money (by being paid to be filmed) would seem off to me, as a romantic partner. I just couldn't deal with it. I don't know if that means a divorce or I ask her to never mention it again, but it would be an issue.

 

[Impluse_101]

My only regret about realizing this...is that I have bonitus.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I know the right answer is that I shouldn't care.

But I would. It would really bother me. I don't know, but the idea of someone having sex with other people for the purpose of money (by being paid to be filmed) would seem off to me, as a romantic partner. I just couldn't deal with it. I don't know if that means a divorce or I ask her to never mention it again, but it would be an issue.

There is no "right answer" in a question that asks you how YOU would feel in hypothetical situation X.

 

[Vegosiux]

The right answer?

I think it's "If she's a former porn star and I didn't know it for years, then I have obviously not watched enough porn."

How I'd feel? Well, considering if I see spouse potential in a woman I will eventually ask her about what she used to do, sometime before we actually move in together. So yes, I would quirk an eyebrow and tell her I am disappointed over her not being completely honest with me. I'm weird like that, I know, but I get aggravated when people keep secrets that are impossible to keep, and then they blow up into everyone's face. Especially if my face is involved.

Seriously, when will people learn. Communication is key. Trust is what keeps relationships together.

 

[Stordarth]

Hi guys. First time poster, been lurking for a while.

I would be more bothered because she didn't told me in the (over) 5 years of relationship, than because of the nature of her secret.

I mostly share this view, but would like to elaborate my feelings towards the nature of it. A big factor in how one reacts to something like this is in how one perceives sex. I myself view sex as part of a loving relationship, as does my current partner. To have sex for sex's sake, to me, is emotionless and devoid of meaning.

Finding out that a significant other had sold themselves for money in the past diminishes this view; it cheapens the meaning of sex in this context to something artificial and soulless; it cleaves sex and love in twain, rendering them as separate variables. To find that a significant other views/viewed sex in this way implies that sex for the partner is an independent entity to the relationship, and that sex with him, despite what she might say, also possesses that disconnect.

To some people, that's fine. Many people have casual sex these days, and I imagine that people that do regard sex as a casual thing will have a much easier time accepting such a revelation as this one. People who see sex as symbiotic with love though, will not handle this well.

I'd wager that this is the man in question's first real relationship. My reasoning? Sex also becomes less of a thing the more partners you have. As we get older, the odds of finding someone 'untouched' dwindles to obscurity, and it is something you just accept; the sex/love symbiosis viewpoint naturally erodes over time to a more pragmatic one as a result.

The reaction of the man would imply that this is his first sexual partner - and whilst we don't know whether or not he knew that he was not her first, finding out the actual extent of this was bound to devastate him, and I'd be the same, for the reasons outlined above.

Unfortunately, it is in part self-inflicted due to dated expectations and old fashioned notions, and he just has to pick himself up and adjust to a more casual view of sex.

 

[mattttherman3]

I'd be mad that she didn't tell me, but then I probably wouldn't care too much, I would however, go and try to find these videos, and see what she did, then ask her why doesn't she let me do the same things lol

 

[Gothproxy]

My take on it...First off, if the wife was 32 and he had been married to her for 5 years, that would have made her 27ish when they got married. Give about 3 years for courtship (that's a lot to some people, I know) and she would have been 24ish when they started their relationship. Now, given that this woman had only done (only?) 10-20 film, that would be, maybe a years worth of work, I think. Probably much less since porn doesn't have the largest production times in the movie industry, I'm guessing. So that would mean that the woman was well OUT of the porn industry before they got together.

Now, some people here are saying there is a trust issue because she didn't tell the guy. Well, if she was only in the biz for a year (maybe) and it didn't take, for whatever reason, don't you think that she might have been uber embarrassed to say anything for fear of being judged? We ALL have secrets (if you don't, you need to get out more)and yeah, we all wish we could be totally honest with our partners, but the truth of the matter is, why judge? Who cares what someone did years before they met you? People are allowed to change (and they can, actually, if they really really want to).

Dear reader, let the past be the past and enjoy what you have with your wife now.

(I'm not even going to go on about how the guy found out she used to be a porn star...) lol

 

[Candidus]

I wouldn't care. I'm a-ok with porn work being in a partner's history, and I'd be okay with her avoidance of the issue because my being with her doesn't make me entitled to the full details of every episode of her life. No matter whether we're married or how long we're together, I'm not a f'cking state auditor of her lifetime conduct am I? I should keep my nose out unless invited on subjects like that.

Naturally, the above is true in reverse as well.

 

[MetalMagpie]

also I hear a lot of people assuming she was dishonest. Remember this happened about thirteen years ago and they've only been married for five years. There's a good chance that she considers that a closed chapter in her life. Her not sharing what happened potentially five or so years before she met her husband isn't her necessarily lying.

Agreed. There are a lot of things that have happened in my life (even significant things) that I don't necessarily feel the need to share with my partner unless they become relevant. A wedding ring does not entitle you to the contents of your spouse's brain.

OT: To be honest, I'd want to hear stories! (Providing he's fine with talking about it, of course.) There have got to be loads of funny goings-on in the porn industry, just as there are in any entertainment industry. My job involves working with people who run "sexy chat" services, and I already dine out on stories from that.

As usual, the liberal, always nice guys responses. It would bother the fuck out of you all. men most so, but women. Its the human ego you see, and the male ego is the worst. How could you compete with all those hour long sessions with the biggest members u cud imagine! She was lying when she said I was the best she ever had! Did she just fake that orgasm just now? - And so the decent into egomanical maddnness and jealousy would go. Until you hate your partner and, but more so yourself.

As a women, may I reassure you guys by saying:
a) Bigger does not automatically equal better.
b) I very much doubt doing it in front of a camera with a director shouting at you is going to be particularly great sex. (Unless that's what your kink is.)

But I understand the potential for paranoia.

 

[Saladfork]

I really don't understand the idea that a porn star is somehow defiled. Haven't we grown past the delicate virgin flower ideal yet?

As to if it happened to me, I'd probably be fine with it, unless she had a disease and didn't tell me. I tend to not tell people things that they don't need to know about anyway, and I haven't even got anything that embarassing to hide, so I'd understand not wanting to tell someone you loved something that might make them think less of you, even apparantly to the point that they might:

get extremely drunk and throw myself under a train. Not even exaggerating, marriage isn't a frivolity to me. To have something as personally sacred to me built on a deception, let alone a lie this vile, would drive me over the edge. My family would be destroyed because my wife would be a lying harlot and I have entirely too much self-respect to permit myself to be used by someone with absolutely no self-respect at all (ie: deceitful hookers). It's not just the lie as much as it is the gravity of the lie.

She is a liar and a whore. I wish them well, but for me such a thing would be just too catastrophic.

Or

Leave. Take any kids and leave.

Overreacting like this just discourages anyone from telling you the truth about anything, really.

By the way, what's up with the advertising captchas now? It seems like every single one I get is for Courtyard Marriott. I don't even know what that is, and it's not telling me either.

 

[TilMorrow]

Hypothetical situation: *Sips tea.* So... where are the hidden cameras? what happen to all your money from then? know any special tricks then? care to share?
Too many jokey statements can be made off of this.

Well unless there was some horrible sexual disease related to her porn star days that she had been so kind as not to inform me of before we had had intercourse many, many times then I do believe I wouldn't be that irked if she didn't end up telling me about this until late in our relationship. If I happened to find out by happenstance I may raise an eyebrow at the discovery at first before politely asking her about whether or not the discovery was sound. If so I may then ask if there are any other things she might want to tell me about whilst we're prying up old pasts before merrily getting on with our lives. Since she hasn't really lied or anything by not telling me about i before I can hardly fault her. However if I did happen to ask whether she had worked the televised boudoir scene whilst still in the early days of our relationship and happened to get a No then, then later on when I make the discovery I would probably be a little miffed and concerned for any other sort secrets like this that she may have.

 

[Muspelheim]

As usual, the liberal, always nice guys responses. It would bother the fuck out of you all. men most so, but women. Its the human ego you see, and the male ego is the worst. How could you compete with all those hour long sessions with the biggest members u cud imagine! She was lying when she said I was the best she ever had! Did she just fake that orgasm just now? - And so the decent into egomanical maddnness and jealousy would go. Until you hate your partner and, but more so yourself.

Before you all jump to respond, this is the cold truth that you either deny, or lack the relevant life experience to know.

Well, would've been a fair point if it wasn't for the fact that porn is, by its very nature, staged, and probably a hell of a lot less pleasing as it's intended to look like on film. :3

But since you have labelled it as cold truth and further qualified it with "if u no agree u a babby", I suppose it's a perfectly waterproof point. Because that's how they work.

Speaking of the porn industry, I do think the main negative issue I'd have with the whole reveal is the fact that the working conditions and pay is generally a bit shit, and I would like to know exactly what lead her to that type of work and why, just to make things clearer.

 

[Icehearted]

@Saladfork

How about coming clean before getting married. Yeah we don't share everything, but some things are kind of worth sharing before someone swears their life to yours. "I was a murderer", "I am extremely wealthy", "I have children", and "I used to turn tricks for cash on camera" seem to rank high on shit you should tell your would-be spouse before marriage. I take marriage seriously, a woman hiding shit like that from her spouse probably doesn't.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

@Saladfork

How about coming clean before getting married. Yeah we don't share everything, but some things are kind of worth sharing before someone swears their life to yours. "I was a murderer", "I am extremely wealthy", "I have children", and "I used to turn tricks for cash on camera" seem to rank high on shit you should tell your would-be spouse before marriage. I take marriage seriously, a woman hiding shit like that from her spouse probably doesn't.

I'm generally of the opinion that telling someone about something like this is probably the best course of action. Porn, in this age of the internet, is kind of forever, and that's something that could come wandering into your life together at some future juncture and cause a mess.

The reason I'm 100% sympathetic to someone wanting to hide this, however, is there's a certain stripe of individual who likes to paint anyone involved in that industry (or any woman with "loose" sexual virtue) as "vile". So rather than face the brunt of their scathing, sanctimonious judgment, I expect they want to put it behind them and leave it buried.

 

[Saladfork]

@Saladfork

How about coming clean before getting married. Yeah we don't share everything, but some things are kind of worth sharing before someone swears their life to yours. "I was a murderer", "I am extremely wealthy", "I have children", and "I used to turn tricks for cash on camera" seem to rank high on shit you should tell your would-be spouse before marriage. I take marriage seriously, a woman hiding shit like that from her spouse probably doesn't.

I don't have any statistics for this, of course, so I won't say it happens *often*, but one thing I've noticed about relationships is that when you have something you'd rather not tell people, you tend not to tell a person to soon after meeting them, and after you get to know each other, you start caring (or caring more) about what the other person thinks of you. Sometimes it may be something that you're afraid (rationally or not) of losing that person if they find out, and before too long, the fear grows as the other person would find out not only the original secret, but that you've been keeping it from them as well.

I'm not saying it's entirely rational, but the fear of losing your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/whatever can incite some rather silly things.

As for the porn star thing in particular, I just don't think it's a big deal, personally.

 

[winginson]

I wouldn't care that she did porn, I would care that after 5 years she didn't trust me enough to tell me. It'd be even worse if she'd lied about it.

 

[FalloutJack]

Honestly, that would explain a few things...

<__>

What? I'M not explaining.