Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual

[jamail77]

I know this is similar to other very common topics started on these forums that involve religion and politics or sexual identity or culture or some mixture of all of that. But, this is a little bit different from all of those so maybe that evens it out.

So, yeah the title sums up how I feel about myself sometimes. I mean this in both a sexual (physical act) sense and a sexual (attracted to) sense. I feel comfortable about my sexual orientation and identity and all that of, so it's nothing like that and I do make the typical conversation and jokes about these things people my age (20) normally do, conversations that involve making fun of sexual culture, talking about fetishes, and the like.

I don't think that I'm necessarily not attracted to the opposite gender either, but it's not a strong libido either. Honestly, I've never dated, never had sex. I went to high school prom with a girl though. I get sex and while I'm sure I'd enjoy it I don't see how it can be so wonderful either, again I've never done it though. We enjoy a lot of things in life. Heck, this [https://www.facebook.com/pages/Call-of-Duty-Keeping-teen-pregnancy-down-since-2003/136270376415496] exists for a reason, joke or not. The fact we can do that and not need or force as much INSANE amounts of sex onto ourselves as bonobos says a lot about how much sex matters in our overall lives if you ask me, regardless of puberty or sex culture prevalence or any of that. I do really like the idea of starting a family and finding someone I love.

I should acknowledge I am un-experienced with dating and when I was younger I was fairly socially awkward, probably partly because I was a little nerdy, had family problems, as far as that can go in suburbia anyway (my parents divorced when I was around 6 years old), and grew up with an autistic brother and overprotective older sister. That doesn't completely go away. Personally, I think I make up for it by being more socially aware than most people though that is a subjective interpretation of myself. I don't have problems making friends, so there's that.

I remember when I was talking to a psychiatrist once: He was surprised that I didn't have a stronger sex drive than I was describing to him, saying it was abnormal for a man of my age to be like that. I have seen a few people around these forums who have stated their asexuality before. So, what do all of you think? Can anyone relate or offer some insight on these thoughts?
It's not so much that I am worried about; it's more along the lines of me finding it interesting and looking for what others have to say.

 

[TakeyB0y2]

If only someone could give anyone an absolute for-sure answer when it comes to sexuality, but it all has to come down to your own personal consideration, reflections, and how you ultimately decide to define yourself (not saying sexuality is a choice, but how and if you choose to identify yourself is).

It's possible you might just be someone who doesn't enjoy sexuality as much as others and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Maybe your body just isn't producing enough hormones? Who knows. If you feel it might just be a low lobido and you find that troubling you can always speak to your physician, I know there's treatments and specialists (likely an endocrinologist) they can refer you to to rule out a hormonal issue.

Hmm... Not sure what else to say. No one else knows your feeling better than you. And really, you shouldn't have to feel pressured about finding your sexuality; you are who you are, live your life, and just go with the flow of your feelings.

 

[jamail77]

[snip] Maybe your body just isn't producing enough hormones? Who knows. If you feel it might just be a low lobido and you find that troubling you can always speak to your physician, I know there's treatments and specialists (likely an endocrinologist) they can refer you to to rule out a hormonal issue.

I highly doubt it has anything to do with hormones. When I was seeing that psychiatrist (and a psychologist) it was over a mental breakdown I had after first leaving for college. He asked me about it because I was put on a medicine called Zyprexa (my family got paranoid and thought my mental breakdown was more akin to a mixture of schizophrenia and other psychotic tendencies which even if weren't proven false with time, history, and adjustment would have become unwieldy because that medicine made me unbearably hungry and I started gaining a small amount of weight from eating more) and he worried it could affect those levels. I'm not sure but I believe those levels were measured, as measured as they can be in this day and age anyway, multiple times and came up as normal actually. It was also just to check up on other physical and mental health per standard procedure.

Besides, as much as I love science, I'm not a big fan of grouping strict science to these sort of things in reflective questions like this. I think it's more complicated and much deeper than biology or chemistry or any of those sciences can explain easily, simply, satisfactorily, or practically. I'm not too interested in getting these things checked and resolved anyway.

Hmm... Not sure what else to say. No one else knows your feeling better than you. And really, you shouldn't have to feel pressured about finding your sexuality; you are who you are, live your life, and just go with the flow of your feelings.

I don't feel pressured, don't worry. As I said, I am not so much worried as curious about how I feel on this from time to time and what people here on The Escapist have to say as well as who can relate. I agree that not enjoying sexuality as much as others isn't a big deal.

 

[Musette]

One of the interesting things about asexuality (and all sexuality for that matter) is how diverse everyone's experiences are. The most basic definition of asexuality is "the absence of sexual attraction", and since labels tend to be approximations, then saying "eh, close enough" is okay when trying to find a label (it's the same way that someone can be mostly heterosexual, but have exceptions to that rule that are not frequent enough to make them shift to the label of bisexuality). Even then, there's still the concept of "the gray area" of sexuality for people who consider themselves more asexual than sexual, but the term isn't quite accurate enough to describe their experiences.

Many asexuals tend to find sex to be overhyped compared to their experiences or pre existing opinions concerning the topic, though there are plenty who enjoy it as either an extension of masturbation or a way to please a romantic partner (I don't know if you already looked into the topic, but romantic orientation and sexual orientation are two distinct identities that don't always match or overlap, so there are asexuals interested in romantic relationships and some that aren't).

In terms of experience, I can honestly say that it is as informative as your experienced you already have concerning your attraction. I assumed I was straight by default for most of my life, and I kept entering relationships thinking that I would fall in love eventually, which ended terribly every time. This was solely my experience with romantic orientation though because I was pretty adamant that I was only going to have sex after high school and with someone I was interested in having sex with that's worth trusting. Of course, being in college and asking "aren't I supposed to want sex by now?" Was when I slowly stopped assuming I was straight. Some asexuals have sex before discovering their sexuality, others don't. Attraction's the bigger deal when it comes to orientation.

Asexuals also have varying levels of libido, so the actual level isn't necessarily indicative of your orientation in case that's what you were referring to when you said 'sex drive'.

I think I've been spending way too much time on asexuality forums since it seems to follow me and make me use the Escapist to talk about asexuality some more, but if you ever want resources, there are some pretty sizable asexual communities online if you know where to look. Hopefully that can be of some help.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

I can relate to how you feel, though I kind of doubt that you're really asexual.

You see I'm in kind of a similar position. I'm 23 years old, and have never had a relationship that's lasted longer than a couple of months. I don't go out seeking relationships, I hate dating, and I'm not particularly enthralled by the idea of sex.

Now, I have had sex mind you, and when I have sex I've always enjoyed it immensely, but whenever I'm done with it, the idea of sex kind of just goes to the back of my mind, and I don't feel any kind of strong need to have sex. I don't go out seeking sexual relationships, they've always just kind of happened for me, and I just went with the flow.

I do know for a fact that I'm not asexual, because I do find women attractive, I do have sex, and I watch porn and masturbate on a fairly regular basis. It's just that sex has never felt all that important to me, and neither have intimate relationships with the opposite sex. I've never wanted to get married, I don't want kids, and I never feel like I need a significant other in my life.

Like you, I was pretty socially awkward when I was younger (mostly caused by the fact that my family moved around a lot, meaning I didn't really form a lot of long term friendships until high school), but I've never really had much difficulty making friends, and most people find me friendly and outgoing (fake it til you make it).

I've never had a sexual identity crisis, I know what I am, and I know what I want, and the fact that sex isn't a high priority for me doesn't bother me. Your sex life is no one's business but your own, and how you go about it is your own business. If the fact that you haven't dated or had sex doesn't actually bother you, then you shouldn't care about what society tells you about what your sex life should be like.

 

[jamail77]

I suppose this should really be titled "Sometimes I wonder if I have asexual tendencies" then. I'm not an expert on sexual orientation nor its difference to romantic orientation though I believe I know plenty about them both to discuss this adequately. Overall, I believe I'm probably more heterosexual in both of those categories, but have asexual tendencies in both. That could just be the lack of experience and minor social awkwardness I suppose.

Also, everyone keeps inserting something about sexual crises and societal pressure so far. I'm not having any sexual crises and I don't really bat an eye at society's worries, so is there some other reason those keep getting brought up or did I just not make that clear enough?

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

Also, everyone keeps inserting something about sexual crises and societal pressure so far. I'm not having any sexual crises and I don't really bat an eye at society's worries, so is there some other reason those keep getting brought up or did I just not make that clear enough?

Well usually when someone brings up a thread like this it's because they think that they're abnormal, and you yourself said that your psychiatrist actually told you that you were abnormal. Where does this thought come from? It comes from society telling you what normality is and how a normal person acts and thinks. That's why people keep bringing up societal pressures, because at the core, that really is the only real reason (at least I think), why someone would question whether their sexual identity is strange, or if they're identifying themselves incorrectly.

 

[jamail77]

The key word there is usually. I am not the average person though. I created this thread not because I think I'm abnormal but because I'm genuinely curious on learning more about this and seeing what people have to say.

You and the others are assuming I am questioning or trying to question whether my sexual identity is strange or feel the need to include that because of your past experiences on such threads: I am not questioning my identity though, at least not directly. The thing is I find these topics fascinating though I don't like the derivative-ness/redundant-ness or the ubiquity of them on The Escapist. It's interesting how curiousity is not a legitimate option to consider a lot of times in these situations. It'd be nice if more people took a different approach to these topics, including myself, but so far few have. There's bound to be someone who gets annoyed somewhere further in replies saying this topic comes up once a week or once a month or something and point out how convinced they are that they always degrade into something stupid about Anita Sarkessian even though plenty don't. Hopefully, that doesn't happen and that downer doesn't come along.

My psychiatrist didn't say I was "abnormal", that was a bad choice of words on my part. He said that my lower sexual libido was unusual for the average 20 year old American male. I told him I still have attractions and my own "sexual pleasures", not in those exact words. He told me I probably don't need to worry about it then (in retrospect I should have included that part, so that was bad on my part). I appreciate the feedback regardless. Thanks.

 

[Korolev]

If you feel attraction, even if it's low, then your not "asexual" (which is a bad term - you have a sex - you are a member of the male sex. Asexual strictly refers to organisms which are not female or male, like certain species of jellyfish).

The causes of a low sexual drive are numerous. Low LH or FSH and low testosterone could be the cause. A blood test should reveal any endocrinology problems. Or, it may simply be due to your personality and the way your brain is configured. You may not be that interested in sex. About 1 in 100 people have close to no libido or even no libido at all and genuinely feel no sexual attraction towards others.

But since you say that you have experienced attraction of a sexual nature, even if it is low, I don't think you are "asexual". You probably just have a low libido. That can be normal - but it may also be due to some sort of endocrinology disorder. Although given your age, it's unlikely to be an endocrine disorder.

Anyway, best of luck. I think in the long run, having a low libido is a good thing, as long as it doesn't cause you any psychological distress. A lot of life's problems and concerns and fears are centered around sex and finding a partner. If you really have a low libido, or a non-existent one, that's great! You manage to avoid a whole lot of that nonsense. If I could simply not care about sex or finding a partner, I'd be ecstatic! It would make life so, so, so, so, so, so, so much simpler, and right now with my OSCEs right around the corner, I desire as simple a life as possible.

If you are genuinely asexual, that's a goddamn gift right there. As long as you feel comfortable with it, of course.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Sounds to me like it might just be a non-interest in filling a stereotype.

We are brought up to believe that young men are "supposed" to be insatiable sex maniacs, simultaneously a threat to the purity of young ladies, but not a worry because "boys will be boys".

There's a lot of pressure to go through the motions of that, because it's expected. If you don't bother, you might look unusual.

 

[krazykidd]

Have sex first then decide . Don't turn away from it without trying it . If after doing it twice ( becaus the first time sucks), you're not interested , then cool , you're asexual.

 

[Super_John]

I think it's not a big deal. It's your own choice what to do in such situation and no one can influence you.

 

[jamail77]

I find it funny that this was moved to "Advice forum". I get how this might come off that way, but I'm not really looking for any advice. I just wanted to have a discussion about asexual tendencies and those who think they have them. Like I concluded a few replies ago, I guess I'm not really asexual so much as that I have asexual tendencies.

That's another interesting thing I find about the Escapist forums, you have to be very precise and specific whereas in other places a majority of people get the gist of what I'm saying. Then again, I'm not the most clear person or the best writer. All well.

Have sex first then decide . Don't turn away from it without trying it . If after doing it twice ( becaus the first time sucks), you're not interested , then cool , you're asexual.

Sounds reasonable. I never planned on turning away sex and arguably what I meant was that I lean more asexual in terms of attraction than in terms of desiring sex. Neither is confirmed though so your point still holds.