Squirrelman reviews )rtal Po(

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squirrelman42

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Dec 13, 2007
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The cake is a lie, the cake is a lie, that's all I hear in forums and from co-workers for 2 months. Finally, I see the fictional cake with my own eyes, and it is beautiful. With smooth level design, crisp but not too flashy graphics, and puzzle after puzzle of space-defying fun, Portal is a smoothly polished ride through a well-made metaphor. For those that don't know, Portal is a puzzle game disguised as an FPS. The only gun you obt{ ]tion to the Orange box so long as some kid behind you isn't screaming at you that you're doing it wrong. It is also available as a download from steam. If you have a computer that can han ( } ain shoots portals at the walls, which you walk through, defying all we know about science, logic, and space. It is with this portal throwing device that you must explore and navigate through the aperture science labs. If you get stuck, there are simple diagrams that show what must happen if you are to successfully proceed through the labyrinth. The computer and the military androids are the only other voices you encounter and they add a level of humor that is unparalleled in games of this nature. Portal is a short, sweet addi [ ) dle it, get it. If you don't rob a bank, get a computer, then get the game.
 

LordOmnit

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Oct 8, 2007
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While the portal-ed running of the "review" is a nice addition to it based on the game I take issue with you calling it a review. This is little more than an extended description of the game hurt by being a large block of text.
 

squirrelman42

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Dec 13, 2007
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I'm just finally so excited to have played that game that I needed to let my excitement out somewhere, and where else besides a whole cadre of strangers who rip my mottled assortment of words apart with their finely tuned expertly professional criticism. That said, it could use more review elements aside from "P0rt41 i5 teh R0X0R". I just like having fun with what I write.
 

neems

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Jan 4, 2008
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[SPOILER I GUESS]


Am I the only person who came to the conclusion that the cake is in fact NOT a lie? Given that it is featured prominently in the final cut scene...
 

Larenxis

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neems said:
[SPOILER I GUESS]

Am I the only person who came to the conclusion that the cake is in fact NOT a lie? Given that it is featured prominently in the final cut scene...
Have you seen the image "Ceci n'est pas une pipe"?
I suppose one could argue from that perspective that not just the cake is a lie.
 

PurpleRain

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Dec 2, 2007
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I really like your reviews. Fact: If you worked for a review magazine or website, you would be fired. But it's fun and you seem to make it creative. Good job.
 

squirrelman42

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Dec 13, 2007
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who says I haven't been fired from them?

No, I'm just a bored Best Buy employee with a college degree gathering dust in his basement room. I'm just grateful that somebody got a kick out of this.
 

PurpleRain

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squirrelman42 said:
who says I haven't been fired from them?

No, I'm just a bored Best Buy employee with a college degree gathering dust in his basement room. I'm just grateful that somebody got a kick out of this.
What I'm saying is that it's short and you don't hit many points for it to be a 'pro' review. Still, we need to jazz this sort of thing up like this more often. Keep it interesting.
 

Larenxis

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squirrelman42 said:
who says I haven't been fired from them?

No, I'm just a bored Best Buy employee with a college degree gathering dust in his basement room. I'm just grateful that somebody got a kick out of this.
At least you have your own basement.
 

Knight Templar

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Larenxis said:
squirrelman42 said:
who says I haven't been fired from them?

No, I'm just a bored Best Buy employee with a college degree gathering dust in his basement room. I'm just grateful that somebody got a kick out of this.
At least you have your own basement.

Lucky sod.
 

GloatingSwine

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Nov 10, 2007
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neems said:
[SPOILER I GUESS]


Am I the only person who came to the conclusion that the cake is in fact NOT a lie? Given that it is featured prominently in the final cut scene...
The cake is delicious and moist. However, you cannot have any.
 

tiredinnuendo

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Jan 2, 2008
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neems said:
[SPOILER I GUESS]


Am I the only person who came to the conclusion that the cake is in fact NOT a lie? Given that it is featured prominently in the final cut scene...
The cake was a lie because she kept promising you cake, when all along she'd planned to kill you. The fact that there was cake somewhere in the building doesn't make it any less a lie.

- J
 

EtherAMP

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Feb 12, 2008
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tiredinnuendo said:
The cake was a lie because she kept promising you cake, when all along she'd planned to kill you. The fact that there was cake somewhere in the building doesn't make it any less a lie.

- J
Not true. She even said, during a "garbled" section, that "you will be baked, and then there will be cake". The cake is not the lie; the idea that you will be the one to enjoy it is.
 

tiredinnuendo

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I could be wrong, but I seem to recall her saying something to the effect of, "We're going to have a party for you, a party with cake." Or something like that.

I'm aware that she periodically slips up and tells you what is coming, but I seem to recall there being lies as well.

- J
 

m_jim

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Jan 14, 2008
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I definitely had a wtf moment when I ran into the first {]. Once I saw what you did, I read through the rest of the review with a big ole' smile on my face. It might be a little light on content, but you get points for creativity. I look forward to reading more of your work.
 

neems

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Jan 4, 2008
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Well I had to Google "Ceci n'est pas une pipe", very clever, although a bit hmmm.

I still interpret Portal as Glados NOT trying to kill you, simply testing you... although I never saw if the furnace on the last lab test was genuine or not.