Stories by Jenson. "Anniversary"

[Adam Jenson]

Short story based off a comic I'm writing called The Roberts. Crits would be good

The glass chinked as the whisky flowed in, cascading over the icecubes inside. "Sir, thats your second drink tonight. Are you sure you dont want me to drive you home?" the voice cutting through the darkness, bringing Nate Novaks back to the real world, at his desk inside his cold, his eyes on eyes on the New Bedlam skyline. "No Ivy...I'm expecting company tonight, but thankyou for the offer". "Yes sir" she replied as her heels tapped on the floor towards the door. Rising from his chair and facing his secretary Novaks paused in an attempt to find his words. "Ivy...m.mke sure to check on Elliot?","Yes sir".

An hour or two passed by after Ivy left. She made sure to call Novaks to report his son was safely tucked in bed. My Son he thought to himself as he caught his reflection in the window pane. You dont deserve a son. The fourth glass went down easy as Novaks sharply tilted his his head up, but the memories were stronger as they swam passed the drink and replayed themselves in Novaks mind in a constant loop. Slumping into his seat, he stared at the bottom of the window. Though it was in prestine condition just like the rest of the office that wasn't what Novaks saw.

He saw a hand in his, its grip like a vicejaw as the older man dangled from the window, the plaze beneath his feet. You made me into thisLoosening his own grip, Novaks could still see how delicatly violent gravity pulled the older man, the sound of his skull bursting open after a minute or so like a melon. But the image that burned itself into his recollections, that had haunted him since he was eighteen was the older mans smile. A fathers smile or pride You made me into this you son of a *****!
CRASH!

The pieces of the whisky glass scattered and skid along the floor and for a minute all Novaks could do was breathe heavily, exhaling the rage out of his system. He looked to the clock on the right wall, 11:53. Finally calm, Novaks walked over to the mini bar in the corner of the office and retrieved himself another glass. "Good Evening Roberts" he said as he turned to the window and raised the glass to his lips.

"How many have you had Nate?" Roberts asked. "Not enough, I'm celebrating". "What"
"An anniversary". The blazing colbalt eyes approched Novaks from the open window, Roberts voice beguiling his impressive physique. "Nate, its April". A cynical curl developed on Novaks lower lip "Not hers, Qauntum"

"What is it Nate? What was so important I had to come right now? I would've thought you wanted to 'celebrate' your fathers death alone" "Well you think alot of things dont you Roberts eheh" Novaks chuckled. "Want a drink?", "No thanks" "Oh thats right tonights a school night isn't it Professor Roberts" Novaks wrly replied as he sat himself back down at his desk.
"Why do I get the feeling I've already heard this tyrad before" "Because your perceptions aren't just limited to that telescopic vision of yours" sighing in annoyance and defeat Roberts headed back to the open window "Goodnight Nate"

As Roberts prepared to kick back into the sky, Novaks quickly spoke. "Do you know why I hate you and that freak family of yours Quantum?" Quantum Roberts froze in his tracks, his heart rate was increasing by the second.
"Because the one notion... that Marxism and Democracy shared, the one unifying theory between even the most hated enemies...that, that all men were created equal, and you and your freak brats went and fucked that up". "Your crossing a line Novaks" Quantum cooly said as his eyes changed to a brilliant crimson. Novaks simply continued unfazed "Don't you ever wonder what humanity would be like if you, Emil, Helen and the kids weren't around. Your stunting our growth Roberts, the lot of you. And the day you realise what your doing and decide to leave Earth and join that intergalatic space hussy you call a mother, the better off we'll be and further mo.." as the words escaped his lips Novaks realised the room was empty.

figures Taking another sip from his drink Novaks felt a chill in the air. As he lifted himself off he turned around to the pane towards him and froze. A message had been written in a thin layer of frost from the outside. Your father would be proud. Novaks stood there for a good 10 minutes before sinking to the floor, fighting back the tears as he told his son good night"


EDITED

 

[Inverse Skies]

The main thing I'm going to bring you up on is how characters speak and interact within a story. Look at any novel to understand how such interactions are meant to work.

Your characters often start speaking in the middle of a line, making the text confusing and sporadic to read. It is better to do something like this,

As he turned away, Novaks heard a voice call out from behind him
"You're crossing a line Novaks" Quantum called out from his position behind the bar.
Novaks was quiet for a moment before replying,
"True that may be the case, but that line must be crossed."

See how that is easier to read? Also speaking segments are usually indented into the page like mine are.

Another thing you'll have to work on is the idea of paragraphing. Your paragraphs are much to short and inconsistent to produce a smooth, coherent flow of storyline. Make your paragraphs longer so they fit together like a jigsaw, rather than being self-contained and rather isolated pieces.

The last thing I'll say is your story jumps around a lot. I was left confused as to whether it was taking place in a bar or in Novaks sons bedroom. Or both. It was hard to follow so working on that would be fantastic.

Keep up the good work though, I'm sure you'll produce something good out of it.

 

[Adam Jenson]

The main thing I'm going to bring you up on is how characters speak and interact within a story. Look at any novel to understand how such interactions are meant to work.

Your characters often start speaking in the middle of a line, making the text confusing and sporadic to read. It is better to do something like this,

As he turned away, Novaks heard a voice call out from behind him
"You're crossing a line Novaks" Quantum called out from his position behind the bar.
Novaks was quiet for a moment before replying,
"True that may be the case, but that line must be crossed."

See how that is easier to read? Also speaking segements are usually indented into the page like mine are.

Another thing you'll have to work on is the idea of paragraphing. Your paragraphs are much to short and inconsistent to produce a smooth, coherent flow of storyline. Make your paragraphs longer so they fit together like a jigsaw, rather than being self-contained and rather isolated pieces.

The last thing I'll say is your story jumps around a lot. I was left confused as to whether it was taking place in a bar or in Novaks sons bedroom. Or both. It was hard to follow so working on that would be fantastic.

Keep up the good work though, I'm sure you'll produce something good out of it.

Hows that?

 

[Inverse Skies]

Hows that?

By refining not only your writing style but the story you're writing yourself. Novels are hard things to write. I myself have tried many times, often skyrocketing to 150 something pages before I lose my muse and become bored with the story. The first thing I ever wrote, going back and looking at it later on, was an exercise in poor character development, a plot ridden with holes and poor explanations of what was going on, and poor grammer, sentence structure and character interactions. I've gotten better with practice, but I still have the trouble of losing my enthusiasm for my ideas which holds me back somewhat.

That's what I meant. I'm not sure if this is your first attempt at writing a book or you've tried many times before, but in order to produce a legible, coherent piece of work you will need to work on your style of writing and look carefully at the points I've mentioned. As I said before, have a look at a novel and see how it is written. Professional writers have the style of writing you should be aspiring to achieve, so looking to them for inspiration would be the first step.

So in summary, work on correct sentence structure, paragraphing, how characters interact and how to produce a coherent flow of storyline so the reader does not get lost or confused. That's all I was saying.

 

[Adam Jenson]

Hows that?

By refining not only your writing style but the story you're writing yourself. Novels are hard things to write. I myself have tried many times, often skyrocketing to 150 something pages before I lose my muse and become bored with the story. The first thing I ever wrote, going back and looking at it later on, was an exercise in poor character development, a plot ridden with holes and poor explanations of what was going on, and poor grammer, sentence structure and character interactions. I've gotten better with practice, but I still have the trouble of losing my enthusiasm for my ideas which holds me back somewhat.

That's what I meant. I'm not sure if this is your first attempt at writing a book or you've tried many times before, but in order to produce a legible, coherent piece of work you will need to work on your style of writing and look carefully at the points I've mentioned. As I said before, have a look at a novel and see how it is written. Professional writers have the style of writing you should be aspiring to achieve, so looking to them for inspiration would be the first step.

So in summary, work on correct sentence structure, paragraphing, how characters interact and how to produce a coherent flow of storyline so the reader does not get lost or confused. That's all I was saying.

just clairfying thanks for the advice

 

[Inverse Skies]

just clairfying thanks for the advice

No problem. As I said to Dastardos with his short story, you're incredibly brave for posting something you've obviously put a lot of time and effort into on this forum for all to read. It's something I don't think I could ever do (that and my stories are stupidly long, I always seem to write plots which are supposed to span across seven novels and involve the end of the world in some way shape or form...) so you should be proud of yourself for taking the first step.

 

[Daye.04]

Well, okay. It seems interesting. I'll admit that a couple of times I had a slight problem understanding what was happening, and who did what. Only a couple, though.

Also the conversations. I know it is a lot cooler when you just read/hear the sentences spoken, not any kind of narrating. But that, my friend is a hard art to master. To be able to write like that is not an ability everyone has. I'm afraid I'll say that I don't think you have it. At least not yet

Also I'll say it took some time before I connected Roberts and Quantum. But that might just be me.

Also I'll agree on your paragraphs seems too short. It seems like you just had a couple of things to say on each subject, and made a bit of paragraph around it. Remember that a novel and stories in general shall seem as they've been throughly thought through. I'd say you're able to make better paragraphs. It is a couple of slips when it comes to punctuation, but I'm sure that's just something passing.

But on the other side. I'd say you were kinda eble to hold interest. Also the way you went back and forth, I'd say was smoothly enough done, for it not to be confusing.

And so. Hope there's no hard feelings. Just constructive criticism. Hope you're doing even better than you allready are, and that this turns out well for you =D