Strange love situation. Need third party advice.

[Sea Lumberjack]

So. I've come to the realization that i have the most bullshit situation thrown on me. As the title suggests, I'm in love with this girl from school. Blah blah love at first sight blah blah been pining after her for a year or two. We've been friends for a good while, but i was finally starting to work up the nerve to ask her out. Then I found out she had a girlfriend. I know you must be asking yourself, "How could he not have known?" Strange i know, but she keeps to herself about things and i felt it was best not to pry. I'm sure your also asking yourself, "Why would a she like you, seeing as your a guy." She's bisexual.

Honestly, I would be o.k with this situation as long as she was happy. Her happiness is all I care about, and all i have cared about lately. Even more so than my own. The girl treats her like shit. She is ***** incarnate. Makes her feel like she's an unimportant piece of human waste. That she should thank the grace of fucking god that she even KNOWS her. They even came close to breaking up. Soooo close. Made up though, and are planning on rooming together for college next year. She won't even tell her how much we hang out, because she's afraid she'll snap on her, so i feel like as soon as she goes to live with her, we will essentially be cut off from each other. We won't even be able to hang out, which makes me feel like just curling up and quitting some days.

That's the situation folks. I just want complete strangers opinions on this. I was just wondering if people thought there was any hope in me getting together with her. If i should just continue being her supportive friend. If i should just pull away from her altogether and put an end to this dull depression, although i don't know how i could handle just not seeing her altogether.

Requesting your help, Escapists, And thanks in advance.

 

[Gezab]

Sit down and talk with her. Tell her you will support whatever action she takes and that she shouldn't be afraid, because her friends will stick up for her.

The power to leave an abusive relationship must come from her. She must realize what is going on and face her demon. It is a hard thing to do, but in general, just be there for her. Talk to her, and tell her that you're concerned. Don't try to push anything on her. Just share your concern for her and tell her that you're there. And follow up on your word.

Good luck.

 

[p3t3r]

tell her what you think of the whole thing. just come out and say that you like her and that you think she is in a bad relationship. then go from there. i mean maybe the only reason she is still in it is because she thinks that she couldn't get another one if she left.

 

[skywalkerlion]

I have a feeling she knows what's best for her. If she wasn't happy, she'd have left, wouldn't she? Why does she stay if the girl she's with is an ass? You might not know everything to do with this relationship, so just sit back and observe, and if this girl decides she'd be better off without her partner, she'll leave. If she would rather abandon a friend to have a fuck buddy that's going to abuse her, than that's on her, not you. I don't think love at first sight really happens anyway, so relax, and know whatever happens, happens.

But that's just my opinion

EDIT: coolio, this is my 1234th post.

 

[loc978]

Sit down and talk with her. Tell her you will support whatever action she takes and that she shouldn't be afraid, because her friends will stick up for her.

The power to leave an abusive relationship must come from her. She must realize what is going on and face her demon. It is a hard thing to do, but in general, just be there for her. Talk to her, and tell her that you're concerned. Don't try to push anything on her. Just share your concern for her and tell her that you're there. And follow up on your word.

Good luck.

^this^
Also, hope she's not just a submissive who is enjoying the mistreatment... but don't be too shocked if she is.

 

[Dags90]

She clearly has issues, so stop obsessing over her. Even if she left her girlfriend tomorrow, she still wouldn't be in the right state to jump into another relationship. She's going to need some time to work on herself.

 

[Tdc2182]

First off.

Nice.

Second, this takes courage and testosterone to work up the nerve to ask her out, but seeing how you've known her for a while, that might not just cut it.

Its gonna take a little talk about how you should be with her instead of the "*****". I'm not so good with wording so someone else can take it from here.

 

[Gezab]

I have a feeling she knows what's best for her. If she wasn't happy, she'd have left, wouldn't she?

This is wrong.

A lot of people are in abusive relationships and do not leave or do anything about it.
People also sometimes fall in love with their kidnappers.

This is because the victim is at a point where they believe themselves to be lesser, or not equal to their partner. They develop a dependency complex and become used to the abuse and think it's normal.

 

[Composer]

Sit down and talk with her. Tell her you will support whatever action she takes and that she shouldn't be afraid, because her friends will stick up for her.

The power to leave an abusive relationship must come from her. She must realize what is going on and face her demon. It is a hard thing to do, but in general, just be there for her. Talk to her, and tell her that you're concerned. Don't try to push anything on her. Just share your concern for her and tell her that you're there. And follow up on your word.

Good luck.

^this^
Also, hope she's not just a submissive who is enjoying the mistreatment... but don't be too shocked if she is.

what both of these people said
and at the risk of a low content post i would have to say you should in under any circumstance avoid confrontation with the abusive girl
if you have to stay calm dont instigate rage resulting in a physical conflict because the law sides with the female in such cases, and from the description you've given me of said abusive person, i wouldn't put it past her to play you for fool and turn the charges on you
also to decimate any false sense of security in hoping that the submissive girl would stick up for you. the abusive one has your friend rapped around her finger and you'd most likely be screwed
/walloftext

 

[Sea Lumberjack]

I have a feeling she knows what's best for her. If she wasn't happy, she'd have left, wouldn't she? Why does she stay if the girl she's with is an ass? You might not know everything to do with this relationship, so just sit back and observe, and if this girl decides she'd be better off without her partner, she'll leave.

But that's just my opinion

Yes. i see the doubts here. and honestly if i heard about this i would be thinking the exact same thing. She has quite the self esteem issue though. i just think she's staying because its something familiar.

 

[skywalkerlion]

I have a feeling she knows what's best for her. If she wasn't happy, she'd have left, wouldn't she?

This is wrong.

A lot of people are in abusive relationships and do not leave or do anything about it.
People also sometimes fall in love with their kidnappers.

This is because the victim is at a point where they believe themselves to be lesser, or not equal to their partner. They develop a dependency complex and become used to the abuse and think it's normal.

If that's the case, then what are you going to do about it? If it's how you say it is (I wouldn't doubt it), then you can't just coax her out of it. So I still stand by saying to sit back and find someone else if it doesn't work out.

 

[Sea Lumberjack]

Sit down and talk with her. Tell her you will support whatever action she takes and that she shouldn't be afraid, because her friends will stick up for her.

The power to leave an abusive relationship must come from her. She must realize what is going on and face her demon. It is a hard thing to do, but in general, just be there for her. Talk to her, and tell her that you're concerned. Don't try to push anything on her. Just share your concern for her and tell her that you're there. And follow up on your word.

Good luck.

^this^
Also, hope she's not just a submissive who is enjoying the mistreatment... but don't be too shocked if she is.

what both of these people said
and at the risk of a low content post i would have to say you should in under any circumstance avoid confrontation with the abusive girl
if you have to stay calm dont instigate rage resulting in a physical conflict because the law sides with the female in such cases, and from the description you've given me of said abusive person, i wouldn't put it past her to play you for fool and turn the charges on you
also to decimate any false sense of security in hoping that the submissive girl would stick up for you. the abusive one has your friend rapped around her finger and you'd most likely be screwed
/walloftext

Don't worry, the abusive girl only hits with words. She's the no-holds-bar-make-you-feel-like-shit kind of person. and i would definatly be able to keep my cool. And i think i could keep a straight face remain pleasant around her. Difficult, but possible

 

[Sea Lumberjack]

I have a feeling she knows what's best for her. If she wasn't happy, she'd have left, wouldn't she?

This is wrong.

A lot of people are in abusive relationships and do not leave or do anything about it.
People also sometimes fall in love with their kidnappers.

This is because the victim is at a point where they believe themselves to be lesser, or not equal to their partner. They develop a dependency complex and become used to the abuse and think it's normal.

If that's the case, then what are you going to do about it? If it's how you say it is (I wouldn't doubt it), then you can't just coax her out of it. So I still stand by saying to let it pass and find someone else if it doesn't work out.

I know, i know, plenty of fish in the see. its just....blaaaaah i love her damn it. Anyone else i would give a kindly "fuck you" and get on with my life. But love is difficult as they say

 

[x0ny]

What I did was just play the waiting game. I found out the girl I liked was seeing a guy better looking, richer and slightly older than me. My heart sank. About 2 months later they broke up, but she was in no shape to get into another relationship, since her trust in men had been severely damaged. It wasn't until 5 months later did I feel comfortable with advancing past the "close friends" status.

I can't guarantee this will work for you, I'm just saying it cuz it worked for me. I was in that situation six years ago, and to this day I'm still with that very same girl.

Lots of people who have replied have some excellent advice on what to do right now, which is to be supportive, and be there for her, lend her a shoulder to cry on etc. I say if she's really worth it, keep up with the effort, and you'll reap the rewards later on.

One thing I'd like to add, don't say to her what you think about her GF, afterall, she's in love with that other girl, regardless of whether she's a ***** or not. This is pretty obvious, but for the sake of completeness, I mentioned it anyway.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Mr. Doe]

You should tell her that her current choice in romantic pursuit is a bad choice and show her the evidence backing your opinion, as it is up to her ultimately.

 

[MaxwellEdison]

1. Wait till they break up.
2. Chill with her again.
3. Ask her out.

Seriously, why do you need advice? At present, you are not a factor in the situation.

 

[Zantos]

Well you need to seperate the 2 problems. Problem 1 is that you're worried about her being in a really bad relationship, AS A CARING FRIEND. Problem 2 is that you really like her and would like to go further with it. I cannot stress enough how important it is to solve the problems in numerical order.

Talk to her about her relationship, sounds like you two are close enough to talk about personal things. Sometimes just getting someone to admit that they aren't happy with their partner is all it takes for them to realise they need to get out. And you're doing this because you are worried about her, if you go into this stage thinking you want her to dump her gf to be with you then it will fail. and makes you a bit of a douche. And you never know, maybe she does actually like being with the person, you only see select pieces of their relationship, not the whole picture. So say we skip ahead to if she decides to break with this girl.

Coming out of problem 1, shes going to be upset and need a good friend to be there for her. Someone who's just worried about her and with no other motive. You care about her being happy, and if that means you sit in the friend zone while she cries on your shoulder you feel damn well lucky that you're close enough for her to trust you like that. So anyway, between the worrying about her wellbeing in the relationship and being the shoulder to cry on you are now the knight in armour so shiney it's illegal to wear outdoors due to the hazard from the amount of glare it produces. If you're lucky you end up in that situation all men wish for where she makes the first move. Why wouldn't she? You're caring, kind, want to make her completely happy.

Failing that, it's never easy to try and ask out a close friend. But like raptor jesus trying to decide whether it's delicious chicken or vile tofu imitation chicken steak before him, the pros outweigh the cons and it's not so bad to just go for it. Try to hang around in a more romantic setting when you try asking her, in a sort of might give a little bit of a hint so it's not too surprising for her. Picnics or rom com films are good. In a place where there's people around so she feels safe, but not when shes with a bunch of friends either. Don't break out the l word (either of them), but tell her about how you feel with full emphasis on how great she is. You never know, she might feel exactly the same.

So to recap:
- Talk to her about her relationship, see if she is unhappy and try and give her the confidence boost to get out of it if she decides she wants to.
- Comfort her, she's not going to want to walk straight out of one relationship into another. Just be there for her.
- When she's ready (you'll just have to eyeball that) make your smooth move, don't talk about how you helped her get out of the relationship and were there for her, or she'll think the only reason you got her to break up with the girl is because you wanted to be with her.

Hope this helps, at least in some way.