lumenadducere said:
You've "fallen in love" with a girl you've only known a few weeks, are obsessively worrying about whether or not she may be cheating on you when you're not even in a relationship and are allowing it to affect your plans for the future.
No, most relationships aren't quite like that at all.
You've just been talking to this girl and are essentially just in the dating phase. Talking to each other for a few weeks does not a relationship make. Dating for a while and then making the decision to be exclusive? That's a relationship. And until you hit that point you have absolutely nothing to stress yourself out about - and that's assuming that she's even interested in other guys, which she likely isn't considering that she's been keeping in touch with you while being so busy with the planning.
And how, exactly, will she "prove" that you're being paranoid? At what point will you finally be able to say "okay, I trust you" and actually stop worrying like that? What happens if she goes on a trip and doesn't call in a while, or goes out late with her friends and says she'll be back by 12 but is out 'till 4? You may say that you'll feel better when you go on your first few dates and she's no longer so busy, but with something like this that's highly unlikely. If you're this worked up over something so small at the beginning of your time with her, it's only going to get worse when you grow in your affection. And then you start showing it (which eventually you will regardless of how much you try to hide it), she'll notice and be upset that you don't trust her and are overreacting (which you are), and it just goes downhill from there.
It's not up to her to prove that she's trustworthy or that you're being paranoid. The burden isn't on her by any means, given that she's done absolutely nothing wrong.
I'd agree that you should get counseling. Sounds like your ex really screwed with you, and if it's gotten to the point where you're like this then it'd do you good to talk through it with someone. If you don't then it can very easily turn into a vicious circle - you meet someone, start worrying the same way about them, things with them don't work out and it re-enforces the notion that you should worry, you meet someone new and start worrying about them, etc. Nip it in the bud and work on actually healing the work of your ex.
We never "date" where I'm from. I'm aware some people do it, but that is a VERY small minority, usually the people who do so are judged as the type who only want sex. You get to know someone, and then you ask them out. I would have waited longer before asking her out, but it was a now-or-never kinda thing.
By "prove I'm just being paranoid" I mean that given time, I will relax and learn to trust her as I get to know her better. It only makes sense. I had the same problem with my last relationship, admittedly nowhere near as bad. Over time I grew to trust her. Then she cheated on me actually, which made it worse. Hopefully this will go the same way, but without the cheating and therefore without the worse-making.
I don't just mean that though. By nature I'm a clingy person who gets attached way to fast.
I obviously feel more secure in a relationship when she feels the same way. Right now she doesn't, obviously, since I get attached much faster than most. When (if) she decides she likes me as much as I like her, I will obviously feel happier.
It's been 3 days since we talked properly (she sent me a message last night, but that's it) I'm in a particularly upset mood. While I've no doubt that at some point I'll have another paranoia attack, it doesn't happen a lot. I'm being irrational right now, and I know it. I will feel better given some sleep. The obvious problem is that right now I cant sleep.
I think you've misinterpreted me. She will (hopefully) prove that to me, with time, without ever knowing that she has. It's more a case of me getting to know her better, and therefore trusting her more.
Really? I would have thought this would be a good way of dealing with things; proving to myself that not all girls are like my ex. Obviously logically I know they aren't but I mean emotionally too. Desensitization I believe it's called; I fear being hurt because my only past relationship hurt me a lot. Hopefully this one will not, and I will get more secure over time.
Counselling though. Fuck man, it really is alarming me how many people are suggesting this. I had expected responses to go along the lines of "cheer up! You're being paranoid. You'll feel better tomorrow" and "you've got trust issues, don't generalise them to all girls". I was not expecting this.
