Succeeding as an introvert. How?

[Sinful]

Hey Escapist goers! First off let me apologise for my level of English in advance. It isn't my native language so weird sentences, spelling mistakes and poor choice of words abound.

So as the title of my post suggests, I'm having trouble succeeding in the world as an introvert. Some more indepth info so bear with me here!

When I was younger I had taken my share of abuse. I had a stepfather who talked down at me, I had kids in my class pick on me for being quiet, I lacked friends and emotional support and later I started horribly failing at most form of social interaction, simply because I don't know how to anymore.

Couple this with the fact that I have a form of autism (PDD-NOS) wich makes it even harder for me to understand people, and to keep my thoughts on track in conversation and the like and the whole mess is pretty much complete.

Now sad pasts aside.. I find that todays world is verry focussed on extroverts. It might always has been, don't take me wrong there. But for instance people value eachother more for their ability to party then for their intelligence, creativity or other. If you don't have enough friends on facebook, you emediatly get branded a nerd and outcast. This is behaviour I'm seeing in university students by the way, so age 20-25 people.

I want to be able to make friends, have a relationship after my last one crashed and burned. I don't want to be an outcast any longer. But I have no idea how on earth I'm going to get there. I've been trough stuff like therapy and councelling already to no effect. I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong but after so many rejections I've pretty much stopped trying to meet people alotgether, either trough fear or bitterness.

I ask this here because I'm simply at my wits end where to go to with this problem. Perhaps someone here will have a good idea that I can try, to meet people again. Just sitting in my room and only going outside for the bare essentials, saying maybe 4 words total a day is getting pretty old.

 

[Nomad]

When it comes to succeeding at social interaction, I find smiling politely and generally showing interest helps. Beyond that, I don't have much for you, since those are my main tricks. They tend to work well for me. For the record, social situations tend to make me very uncomfortable (and stay that way for hours after they're over), and I haven't even got a facebook account to begin with.

As for meeting people, I only have two classic tips.
One of these is to find an association or club that does something you're interested in, and joining it. You're bound to meet people there, and sharing an interest gives you a common ground to start from. If the association is built around some form of activity, then that's even better, since it also provides a natural base for conversation and interaction while you're doing the activity.
The other tip would be to be an active student, in the sense of joining and attending study-groups and the like. It's a good option for the same reasons as joining an association, with the added bonus of you building relationships with people you'll meet on a daily or weekly basis anyway.

My advice is very general and undefined, but that's about as far as I can go without knowing more about your interests, the social practises of your country and your educational system.

What needs to be remembered is that you're far from the only introvert on earth. There are oodles of people in your direct vicinity that become as uncomfortable as you in social situations, but still want to build relationships with other people. So there's a good base to start from, if nothing else. In the end, though, that doesn't really matter either - because noone is going to bite your head off for approaching them. Most people will appreciate it, or at worst be more or less indifferent to it. There's a very high mental threshold to take the plunge, though, and that's the biggest obstacle for most people. The upside is that this threshold gets smaller and smaller every time you cross it.

 

[Bellvedere]

Maybe try picking a course that has a group assignment. That way you'll need to hang out with classmates as part of the course and your group will definitely value you for your intelligence/creativity/etc because it helps them too.

Are you working? That's another way to meet people depending on where you work. If you're looking try to pick somewhere that interests you (so you'll meet like minded people that are also interested in that sort of thing) and where you see people working together. At one of my early part time jobs all the staff at the store were really close, we all knew each other one on one very well because generally there was only two or three people working at a time and we ended up hanging out as a group a fair bit. I'm still quite good friends with a number of those people as well as people that started working at that store since I left.

What's your living arrangements? Are you living alone or with parents? Is moving into a share house an option? If you already live in a share house and all your roommates keep to themselves is moving into a different share house an option? When I first moved out of college (on campus at uni - single rooms) I wasn't too keen on living with other people as I felt really self conscious about it. I know that you also hear some terrible things about share houses but there's some really good ones out there too. My first share house I became really good friends with one of my housemates (the other two kept to themselves). Still good mates with him now. My second share house was fine but I didn't stay in touch with those housemates when I moved out. I've been living with my third and current share house for nearly three years now and it's been really really awesome. These people are my best friends.

And if you're feeling particularly brave/desperate/wreckless you can always try striking up conversation before class with someone. I know it's a bit confrontational to just go up to someone and start talking (I'm definitely more introverted than extroverted though I don't have any diagnosed social conditions and I've learnt how to be assertive when I need to be) but it's a pretty good way to meet people. Many people are too polite to just ignore you or brush you off completely and before class is a really good time to do it (maybe 15-20 minutes before it starts). Straight off the bat you have something in common with the person you're talking too (you both take the same subject - ask what do you think of the course, hows the assignment going, what are they majoring in - all very easy, inoffensive, not mind numbingly boring topics), no one needs to panic about being stuck talking to someone they don't like because class starts shortly, you know they don't have any engagement they have to rush too because they're waiting for class to start and it's somewhere that people can be without a group of friends with them.

Anyway that's how I met most people I know now. At some point you have to say to yourself "courage my boy/girl" and try to be assertive.

 

[Sinful]

First off, thanks to you guys for taking the time to reply to my thread. Now I'm no star with the quote feature so I'm just going to answer the questions you had outright without using it.

When it comes to meeting people trough an activity, I've tried picking up fitness. However as you might know this isn't exactly verry effective, as everyone tends to stick to their training routine and doesn't interact much with the people around them. In a few weeks I'll also be getting a dog wich should help me to go the park more and the like. It remains to be seen how that will go on a social aspect but even if nothing comes from it, it will give me something to do.

I'm currently living with my parents. I've lived on my own for a while and later my girlfriend moved in with me. However when things went downhill in the relationship (details aside but she didn't have a long and fruitfull relationship in mind to begin with) she stayed in the house and I moved back with my parents. A couple of months after I lost my job due to re-organisations so I could no longer pay for the rent. She moved out to find her own place with her new boyfriend and I decided to keep on living here until I could find a job again. The current economic climate here isn't helping in that regard however as I've been trying to find a job ever since with no succes.

I would also like to point out that group assignments and work related interactions go pretty well for me. I've never had any trouble communicating with group members to get work done so it's not like I'm completely unable to talk to people. However it would seem that things never really develop beyond a work type of relationship. Things never seem to get personal on any level and as such, even though I do talk to folks every now and then for asignments trough university, it just never gets beyond that point and I still find myself without any friends.

I've tried to work out if I was somehow being unpleasant to the people around me but I really can't say I am. Beyond maybe from time to time not really knowing what to talk about I don't know what would put people off from me. I'm insecure, that's a fact, but really I don't see what I'm doing wrong here.

Perhaps things will improve once I manage to find a job again. Maybe getting the dog will help meet people in the park. But if previous simmilar situations are anything to go on it won't help me much. Negative thinking patern there that I need to get rid off this much I know. But I think my main problem on that regard is that when I don't get the attention I've been trying to get, I see it as a sort of confirmation of how things aren't working out wich then ofcourse leads into a downwards spiral.

Again, thank you guys for replying and I'll deffinitly take your advices to heart. We'll just have to see how much of it I can actually put to practice.

 

[Mr.Cynic88]

I think the internet is an awesome place for introverts. I like to meet people through facebook. I'll friend them, and then facebook chat to get to know them. Or just meet people through forums and such. Online friendships can be just as rewarding.

 

[Dragonbums]

As an introvert myself I find that talking to people with similar interests tends to help get me out of my shell.
When I'm around good friends my more "energetic" and outgoing side shows. However I have a small group of friends, and that's a okay for me.

Honestly though, it's more or less a skill set so to speak to hone. You just have to practice at talking to people. If you feel this can turn ugly, simply let them know beforehand that you have issues with socializing with other people. That way anything awkward you say won't really be held against you.

 

[MtnGamer]

Being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean that you are forced to find isolation. Introverts shopuldn't fear social contact, as soemone would who is shy. Instead, introverts use quiet isolation as a time to gather their thoughts, clear their minds, and regain their energy. An introvert can be active and participatory, but they require less interaction to be happy.

As you mentioned when you spoke about working well in group assignmeents, Introversion doesn't fear social interaction. Introverts may be more analytical in their thought process, and won't jump into every expanding scanario with eagerness, but they can still find joy by spending time with friends or participating in fun activities.

If you are feeling social anxiety, or feel that you are being viewed as some social outcast, I wouldn't chalk it up to introversion because that may be looking at the problem from the wrong direction. Introverts get their energy from taking time out, not from fear and isolation. Social anxiety takes time, and could require more coaching and trial and error.

If you enjoy social anti-social activites like reading, solo walks, and the such then don't stop those. I am a quiet lad who sets time aside just for those activities because they make me happy. You will just want to add enough social life to the mix to make things interesting, don't just toss out all anti-social behavior. I have also noticed that students in college tend to burn out of their ways once graduation nears. At some point it clicks in their mind that they can't keep drinking, staying up late, or acting silly because the rest of the world tends to care less about them. It may seem annoying to be in college with these students, but their behavior will gradually change as they come to terms with their expectations of employment and family life. Most of my friends mellowed out, and now we mostly see each other for happy hours (I don't drink, but I still chat with them) and community projects like community gardens or helping dog shelters. The world is a big place, and there are many people and communities out there beyond the school.

 

[SuperUberBob]

You're going to have force yourself into uncomfortable social situations and sink-or-swim.

It's like trying to pick up a girl. You're going to be horrible at it early on and have some miserable failures. You'll be embarrassed and you may have the occasional shitty night. Same will happen with other social situations. Just have to put yourself out there, take your lumps until you get the hang of it, and then succeed.