Survival Guide to movie hauntings/poltergeists/demons etc.

[Johanthemonster666]

What are some advice or tips a film protagonists would do well to heed in cases of haunted houses, demonic entities,poltergeists etc.?

P.S- I'll include Stephen King paranormal tropes in here, though for the topics sake, please stick to movies. No games please.

 

[DefunctTheory]

If you must enter a haunted location, make sure your party consist entirely of black people and young whites who have entirely too much sex in appropriate places and during inappropriate situations.

If you speak to anyone who just seems off, but you can't put your finger on why, hit that individual in the face with a pipe wrench and book it.

When possible, bring a proton accelerator with you.

 

[LAGG]

Ah, it's the protagonist? No need for any advice, plot armor will protect you.

 

[Grouchy Imp_v1legacy]

Make sure your name is in the opening credits. If your name is only in the closing credits you're as good as done for.

 

[Tom_green_day]

Hey Johanthemonster666 if you think you're at the centre of a horror film, don't worry. Just calm down and call the police. And ignore the cameras...
Ok 1) If there are kids, they're creepy. Get them the fuck out.
2) Stay with other people, don't bugger off alone.
3) Have a clean conscience- don't murder your wife or puppy or whatever.
4) IGNORE THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
5) Be attractive, but not really hot or pretty (especially if you are female)
6) Don't team up with gun-toting army dudes, film writers seem to hate them.
7) Don't open any doors without, like, checking that there isn't a monster behind it first.
8) Close the bloody windows and curtains.
9) Call the police.
Hope you make it out in one piece, dude.

 

[Mr.Mattress]

If your including Stephen King Stuff, then I would advise you to not live in Maine. In fact, I would advise you not to live in the New England Area period, because that's where most Eldritch Abominations lurk.

If your the kind of person who, normally, doesn't believe in ghosts, you better start Freakin' Believing in them when your chairs are folded on top of tables, and when you feel a weird sense in the house. Nothing is worse then a Flat-Earth Atheist.

If you know there is a ghost/demon/Eldritch monstrosity in your house, leave, no matter how curious you are, no matter what anyone else says. Leave and never return.

Don't be the D-Bag that just records stuff happening. It's annoying. Instead, turn your camera off, and run like a bat out of Hell!

Also, never having sex is a +1 to your survival chances. It's not necessarily a guarantee, but it helps a lot. So, abstinence is the answer here.

 

[Thatnorwegian]

Turn any and all suspicious evidence you happen to come over to the police NOW! (Bloody meatcleavers, gory chains, snuffvideos etc...)
Dont read Latin/ancient egyptian loudly from strange books.
Learn Kung-Fu/Kendo

 

[AidoZonkey]

-If someone says "wait here I will be back", slap them round the face
-Never split up
-If the evil entity is down, make sure it stays down
-Never try and lighten up a situation
-Don't go in there
-Again, If the evil entity is down, make sure it stays down
-Don't dismiss anything
-Call the police
-I can not stress this enough, If the evil entity is down, make sure it stays down

Ok that will help you survive, also don't be a racial minoraty, monsters/ murderers really go for them

 

[Colonel Mustard]

My one piece of advice is one that is simple, easy to follow and highly effective in increasing your chances of survival.

As soon as shit gets wierd, run away. Run away and don't look back. In fact, to be safe, you should probably burn what you're running away from. It never hurts to be sure.

 

[Angie7F]

Dont go to the garage. Be nice to the main character.

 

[DoPo]

OK, here is something that would boost your survival chane to at least 90% - get a six year old (or a ten year old, or something, make sure it's not a teen, it's too late then) and explain anything you plan on doing to them. If they disagree or laugh at you or call you stupid YOU LISTEN AND DON'T DO IT!

There you go. Simples.

 

[Jenny Jones]

My one piece of advice is one that is simple, easy to follow and highly effective in increasing your chances of survival.

As soon as shit gets wierd, run away. Run away and don't look back. In fact, to be safe, you should probably burn what you're running away from. It never hurts to be sure.

I think this is the only guaranteed way to survive. I know all other suggestions fall apart if you've ever seen the grudge, that thing doesn't care about rules.

So yeah, get fire, apply liberally to affected area and run like a starving *slightly non-PC person* after a tin of beans.

 

[Lionsfan]

Run.

Run.

Fucking RUN!

I know some movies have the demon "attracted to the main character" or whatever, but like the guys from Spill.com said, I'm gonna make this Demon work if he wants my body. He's gonna have to look it up in the Yellow Pages, take a bus/plane/train, because I am not sleeping in this house

 

[Not Gabe Newell]

1) Live somewhere populated, such as a neighborhood. That way there will always/usually be people nearby who can help you.

2) Never split up. If your friend says "Wait here, I'll be back," slap them and say "No way, I'm coming with you."

3) Get rid of any dolls or creepy toys in the house. Demons and spirits love to possess them.

4) If immovable objects such as couches and fridges are seemingly moving by themselves, don't dismiss it as nothing.

5) Never sleep alone. I don't mean have sex with someone, I mean share a room with somebody.

6) Don't go into spooky rooms or basements.

7) If weird, creepy, demonic shit starts happening in your house like in The Conjuring or Paranormal Activity, well then you don't live in that house anymore.

8) Stay away from houses/cabins/mansions in the woods. Satan's pals rent those places out in the summer.

9) You are not stronger than a horrible demonic spirit from the nether realms. Don't try to fight it, you'll get your ass kicked.

10) Refrain from sex. Especially if you are a hot cheerleader or a handsome jock. You'll be dead before you climax.

11) Take control and press the Gaben.

 

[Scarim Coral]

If your new home is haunted or is inhabit by spirital/ demonic beings, leave the house immediently!!! Yes it will be expensive to relocated a new home but you CAN NOT save the house! Heck you may aswell get a demolisher crew to destory that house/ building competely just to be on the safe side!

 

[ZZoMBiE13]

The big corpse with a hockey mask is not a goalie. Run.

 

[White Lightning]

Sexy Demons/Ghosts are awesome, cuz chances are they will do sexy things for/to you before they kill/rape/insertweirddemonthinghere you.

 

[Kevlar Eater]

Bring a shotgun/SMG/assault rifle. Highly doubtful that demons are bulletproof.

If black, do not join the party, lest you have a death wish.

Have sex before you consider encountering a poltergeist, demon, etc. Virgins and sluts (irrespective of gender) tend to die as violently as black people.

Don't bring a camera; it will only weigh the carrier down and slow the team.

If the house you are considering buying is rumored to be haunted, either have that junk destroyed to its very foundation and have it rebuilt or if you can't afford that option, look at another house.