Teasing

[Story]

(No not that kind of teasing.)

So I recently had a falling out with a group of friends (well not really I just decided not to see them every week for D&D any more). Mostly becuase I didn't feel equally respected among them and not really comfortable being myself. I wondered what lead me to that conclusion and I believe it was because half of them showed their friendship by teasing each other and I was the target for a lot of that. Now I put a big target on myself since I love to make those I'm close too laugh with absurdist and self-deprecating humor but that backfired a lot. Didn't help too that I am so nice I would be quicker to compliment you than to tease like they did. So I felt so low in our social circle hierarcy that I decided to just back away.

Enough about me. Do you guys tease your friends any family in an affectionate way? Do you like to be teased your self (not that way silly)? Do you think it's part of a healthy relationship or does it undermine mutual respect in your opinion?

 

[DeliveryGodNoah_v1legacy]

It happens. I can say for certain, I've never teased anyone I wasn't absolutely sure I enjoyed the company of.

And these things can tend to get carried away, especially if a few people are really into it and one or two aren't. Somebody will most likely get their feelings hurt. It's happened with my friends, family, and my girlfriend. She will take most of the abuse, but everyone has their breaking point.

It's especially hard with people that you barely know, but they are really fond of you and tease you like one of the gang. My best friend had a group of online friends that did that to me. At first, I was pretty upset, as I barely knew these people, but just throw a few play insults back and they will likely back off a bit. It's kind of like a test of will?

I can understand though if you feel like you're too nice. I know people the same way, and it's difficult to just tell them "Hey, it's just all in the name of fun. Throw a few teases back." when they are just incapable of it.

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

I went to an all-boys junior/high school. Yeah, teasing it part of the relationship. Like how wolf pups snarly and snap to see who is alpha puppy? So too teasing, at least among guys.

To me its a sign of respect. Its the people who don't tease that are the ones you know can't take it or dish it back. And its not so much a matter of developing a thicker skin as it is realizing they don't mean it at all. If they ask if those shoes come in men's sizes or whether you're trying to make a statement with your pink shirt, they're just fucking with you.
They're not really saying "Hey queerboy, why are your feet so small?!"

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Teasing as affection between pals has a fine line.

My friends and I do it to each other often enough, and I tease my younger brother (and vice versa) from time to time too. None of us have a problem with it since it's not super frequent, and we all get a joke made at our expense at some point.

In small doses (preferably witty doses), it can be great, especially if everyone gets a turn to pike fun at someone.

But if it's constant and almost always directed at one person, it gets very tedious, unfun, irritating, and then straight up aggravating. If you got constantly targeted by your DND group and if they just kept doing it after you told them "Dude, this isn't funny anymore", then hell yes you're right to leave. If you're not having fun, ditch 'em.

 

[sageoftruth]

Not that kind? Too bad.

Anyway, teasing didn't come immediately to me either, but I learned it by sharing a college suite with a bunch of teasers. The thing about it that made it become more treasured was the unspoken line at the end of every teasing. The "...but that's okay".

Before I moved in with them, I had friends who were far more unassuming and considerate, and I could enjoy activities with them. However, it felt like there was a wall or a line that could not be crossed. I was left wondering if some of the things I was doing were upsetting them, or if I was even being mocked behind my back for them.

Then, when I met my new suitemates, as soon as I did anything odd, they'd tease me for it. It was good spirited and made a joke out of something I thought would be a source of tension. It told me, "You do some odd stuff and sometimes look ridiculous, but we don't mind and can even have fun with it." It forged one of the closest relationships I'd ever had.

So, I generally see it as a form of open acceptance rather than derision. One just needs to make sure he has an actual friendship with someone before he starts teasing. Otherwise it's harassment.

Hopefully, this will help make the act of teasing seem less mean-spirited to you so you'll feel more comfortable delivering some teasing of your own. Keep in mind, people often change their tone in some way, as if they're making a joke, when teasing.

 

[Story]

Teasing as affection between pals has a fine line.

But if it's constant and almost always directed at one person, it gets very tedious, unfun, irritating, and then straight up aggravating. If you got constantly targeted by your DND group and if they just kept doing it after you told them "Dude, this isn't funny anymore", then hell yes you're right to leave. If you're not having fun, ditch 'em.

It really did fell that way although...
....looking back on it and doing more research on teasing in friendships and reading the comments so far (thanks guys!)
I think I might have been too hard on them. I should mention I was the only girl out of a group of 5 and the few that teased were attracted to me (I wasn't to them but they knew my boundaries).

I hate to say this but I think in my case this was a gender thing. Apparently woman in groups are more likely to use self deprecating humor and men tend to tease each other in groups. And men that tease women usually use it as a way of showing affection.

So whoops looks like a classic sign of miscommunication on both our ends. I thought they had malicious intent though now it seems I very rudely criticized something they thought was kind and thoughtful (as misguided as it might have been).

No regrets though. We obviously have different perspectives that bothered me. So much so I felt drained after seeing them so I think I made the right choice to step away. I would be more willing to discuss it with them though if they want/are willing.

 

[Story]

Not that kind? Too bad.

Anyway, teasing didn't come immediately to me either, but I learned it by sharing a college suite with a bunch of teasers. The thing about it that made it become more treasured was the unspoken line at the end of every teasing. The "...but that's okay".

Before I moved in with them, I had friends who were far more unassuming and considerate, and I could enjoy activities with them. However, it felt like there was a wall or a line that could not be crossed. I was left wondering if some of the things I was doing were upsetting them, or if I was even being mocked behind my back for them.

Then, when I met my new suitemates, as soon as I did anything odd, they'd tease me for it. It was good spirited and made a joke out of something I thought would be a source of tension. It told me, "You do some odd stuff and sometimes look ridiculous, but we don't mind and can even have fun with it." It forged one of the closest relationships I'd ever had.

So, I generally see it as a form of open acceptance rather than derision. One just needs to make sure he has an actual friendship with someone before he starts teasing. Otherwise it's harassment.

Hopefully, this will help make the act of teasing seem less mean-spirited to you so you'll feel more comfortable delivering some teasing of your own. Keep in mind, people often change their tone in some way, as if they're making a joke, when teasing.

This a great post, thanks! Its good to read another perspective on it.
But in my case it never really felt like I was teased for things that they accepted me for but rather things they found weird and couldn't relate to or even bother to engage in. I felt this way because almost any other time they were critical instead of complementary. Sure they would be helpful too but only when I asked.
I on the other hand would find the things they enjoyed that were strange to me and engage them in genuine conversation about it. Which I find to be way more accepting.
I guess the point I'm trying to say is that I find teasing as a way of acceptance a backwards way of not directly expressing acceptance.
As a random example:
"I Went to the furry convention."
You like to look a furry porn now? (tease) Vs. That's different tell me how it was? (How I would say it)

I'm also not paranoid about how others feel about me; Used to but I'm not anymore. people I trust should just in general accept my quirks by either tolerating them or...again...engaging in them in a positive way if they are around me. What they say behind my back is their business.

 

[Sniper Team 4]

I tease people all the time. It's a good way to tell if it's worth getting to know them. You see, I am sarcastic a lot, so I test the waters by seeing how people react to something I say. If they smile and laugh, okay. If they throw something back at me, even better. But if they take it seriously, or get offended, I apologize, and then stay far away from them because I don't want to get in trouble.

Now, do I mean I walk around teasing everyone I meet and being really mean? No, of course not. I just do light teasing to see if their humor matches mine, and then I only do it to people I'm going to be around, such as new people at my job or such, not total strangers.

 

[Just Ebola]

I tend to get a big head if nobody pokes fun at me. It can even be a force for positive change. for example I tend to wear clothes that have holes in them. Due to being a welder, most of my shirts are pocked with tiny burnt pin-holes and it's a pain to replace them all. But after so many jokes about looking homeless, I mostly just wear them round the house now.

Personally I think teasing back and forth is a sign that a group of people are really comfortable with each other, there's nothing wrong with indulging in a bit of good-spirited joking at a friend. That being said, there's a difference between playful ribbing and just being a dick. In high school I kind of fell into a group that would constantly cut one another down, not lightly. Like some dark, way too personal, crude shit. Just grisly, things you wouldn't want your Gran to hear. So I distanced myself from that pretty fast, and if that's what it's like in your DnD group, I don't blame you for doing the same.

Teasing is great if it comes from a place of friendship and mutual respect.

 

[Baffle]

I don't tease people, that sounds weird. I might take the piss a bit, but I expect it back too. Nothing outrageous or personal either (I never lead with 'And your wife left you because you're overweight and have a low income'), just gentle ribbing (FYI, I'm bald and wear glasses, so it's extremely easy to take the piss out of me).

 

[Saelune]

Teasing is bearable when you feel that the person still cares about you even as they mock you.

I understand the fun behind it, and I partake, but people need to learn to remember that we all have feelings and sometimes its nice to be reminded that you care about them. And that sometimes people are just not in the mood.

Maybe next time someone gets mad at you for it, even if it really was "just a joke", instead of saying that, say sorry.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

Teasing as affection between pals has a fine line.

But if it's constant and almost always directed at one person, it gets very tedious, unfun, irritating, and then straight up aggravating. If you got constantly targeted by your DND group and if they just kept doing it after you told them "Dude, this isn't funny anymore", then hell yes you're right to leave. If you're not having fun, ditch 'em.

It really did fell that way although...
....looking back on it and doing more research on teasing in friendships and reading the comments so far (thanks guys!)
I think I might have been too hard on them. I should mention I was the only girl out of a group of 5 and the few that teased were attracted to me (I wasn't to them but they knew my boundaries).

I hate to say this but I think in my case this was a gender thing. Apparently woman in groups are more likely to use self deprecating humor and men tend to tease each other in groups. And men that tease women usually use it as a way of showing affection.

So whoops looks like a classic sign of miscommunication on both our ends. I thought they had malicious intent though now it seems I very rudely criticized something they thought was kind and thoughtful (as misguided as it might have been).

No regrets though. We obviously have different perspectives that bothered me. So much so I felt drained after seeing them so I think I made the right choice to step away. I would be more willing to discuss it with them though if they want/are willing.

I think guys sometimes overdo the teasing thing to women because they're actually trying to make them feel more included and therefore more comfortable.

See, for most guys you know that someone is a real friend when you can tell them to go fuck themselves and no one gets mad about it or takes it seriously. It's a lot easier to get along with someone if you don't feel like you have to toe a line and make sure to be inoffensive. Toeing the line and being as polite and inoffensive as possible is what you do at work, but in your personal life you hope to have friends who accept you for being the asshole that you are, and you accept their assholishness in return.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Depends. I mean if it's undermining your self-esteem it's probably not doing you any favours. I mean the whole point of friendly teasing is the invisible line of unspoken rules of civil engagement that it does allow another person to share in the joke. If your friends are merely tearing you apart and not letting you in on it edgeways to deliver something similar than maybe they're not your friends and you're just a walking piece of humour for them to brighten only their existence?

There's no hard and fast rules for this stuff, but there is an unspoken line.

 

[Marik2]

I do it all the time

I would feel weird if it wasn't done to me

 

[Saltyk]

All the time. With a few in particular I state that I'm the asshole, another the douchebag, another the dick, and the last is a ***** (this is partly because she will tell you she is a *****). A coworker and I tease each other about having sex with each other among other things (should go without saying that I don't think either of us have any actual interest considering we're both straight men).

There's another friend that I call both an idiot savant and a fire crotch. The idiot savant comes from him saying dumb stuff and having dumb ideas 90% of the time, but having one genius statement/thought once a day. And the fire crotch nickname comes from this time we were at a gas station and a girl asked him if he was, which totally perplexed him.

A little good-natured joking is healthy. It shows that you're close enough to have a little fun at each other expense. It also shows that you don't take yourself too seriously. I believe Christopher Titus called it the douchebag test.

Oh, and I'm not afraid to hug my friends either. I think that should say something about how I feel about them.

 

[sanquin]

My mother, brother and me tease each other a ton. To the point where barely a conversation goes by that it doesn't happen. My mother is short and sucks at technology, my brother is terrible at cooking and will always be called 'little' by me (as in 'little brother') while he calls me shorty since he's like 1~2 cm taller, I'm also stupid and lazy, we all call each other crazy or blame each other for mistakes we made ourselves quite often, etc. It's all in good fun.

As for me and my closest friends, we tease each other every now and then. Though it's mostly just having a hearty laugh together when someone messes up or does something stupid. It doesn't have to be part of a healthy relationship, but I do think it's a sign of one.

When it comes to friends and family I don't mind being teased at all. I just join in and make fun of myself as well. And in return the same happens to the others. When it's mostly one-sided though. Like with you, OP, then it's probably not that good of a thing.

Oh, and I'm not afraid to hug my friends either. I think that should say something about how I feel about them.

Over here, I don't see hugging as anything special. Everyone likes hugs, right? Anyone that's up for it, I hug. Family, friends, vague acquaintances, strangers, doesn't matter. Though I especially greet my closest friends with hugs. Heck, in certain circles (like at my LARP events) everyone always greets each other with hugs. Male, female, doesn't matter. Even though we only see/talk to each other like 2~3 times a year.

 

[sageoftruth]

Not that kind? Too bad.

Anyway, teasing didn't come immediately to me either, but I learned it by sharing a college suite with a bunch of teasers. The thing about it that made it become more treasured was the unspoken line at the end of every teasing. The "...but that's okay".

Before I moved in with them, I had friends who were far more unassuming and considerate, and I could enjoy activities with them. However, it felt like there was a wall or a line that could not be crossed. I was left wondering if some of the things I was doing were upsetting them, or if I was even being mocked behind my back for them.

Then, when I met my new suitemates, as soon as I did anything odd, they'd tease me for it. It was good spirited and made a joke out of something I thought would be a source of tension. It told me, "You do some odd stuff and sometimes look ridiculous, but we don't mind and can even have fun with it." It forged one of the closest relationships I'd ever had.

So, I generally see it as a form of open acceptance rather than derision. One just needs to make sure he has an actual friendship with someone before he starts teasing. Otherwise it's harassment.

Hopefully, this will help make the act of teasing seem less mean-spirited to you so you'll feel more comfortable delivering some teasing of your own. Keep in mind, people often change their tone in some way, as if they're making a joke, when teasing.

This a great post, thanks! Its good to read another perspective on it.
But in my case it never really felt like I was teased for things that they accepted me for but rather things they found weird and couldn't relate to or even bother to engage in. I felt this way because almost any other time they were critical instead of complementary. Sure they would be helpful too but only when I asked.
I on the other hand would find the things they enjoyed that were strange to me and engage them in genuine conversation about it. Which I find to be way more accepting.
I guess the point I'm trying to say is that I find teasing as a way of acceptance a backwards way of not directly expressing acceptance.
As a random example:
"I Went to the furry convention."
You like to look a furry porn now? (tease) Vs. That's different tell me how it was? (How I would say it)

I'm also not paranoid about how others feel about me; Used to but I'm not anymore. people I trust should just in general accept my quirks by either tolerating them or...again...engaging in them in a positive way if they are around me. What they say behind my back is their business.

Yeah, that's definitely different. I can understand teasing for something foolish a guy did once, but when it comes to dismissing hobbies and interests it gets more complex. I mean, while they're under no obligation to take an interest in your hobbies, you have every right to tell them to stop teasing you about it.

If they do it again, you should let them know the weight it's carrying. Based on what you've already said about yourself, I'm guessing you'll know how to do it without pissing them off. Ideally, they'll accept it, but if they refuse to change, then you and they may just may not be very compatible.

 

[CaitSeith]

I have this friend who as a kid teased his schoolmate friend in the wrong way. He got beaten up after class...

Everyone has their personal limits; and because reading minds isn't a common skill, people won't know if you don't tell them.

 

[Extra-Ordinary]

I do it to my two closest friends, they don't tease back as often as they could but some other friends do and that's all fine with me.
I make sure it's not too much of a habit, everyone has they're limits.

My own for instance, you can tease me pretty hard for a number of reasons but there was a crush of mine who used to tease me for single. I know it's not sexy to let that kind of stuff get to you and it was fine in infrequent doses but then she got into a groove of doin' it and it would cut, you know, eventually had to ask her to stop and she did, which was nice.

 

[Callate]

There's a time and a place for teasing... But it's the responsibility of the person teasing to make certain that the person being teased is in a comfortable place, where they understand that the teasing comes from a place of affection. There are too many power games and too much cruelty that can be "excused" under the premise of "hey, I was just teasing, can't you take a joke?"

My experience is that if the latter does happen- especially if the intent really didn't seem to be affectionate- the best response is to tell the teaser that the gesture wasn't appropriate, and wasn't funny. But the tone there is very important. It can't be whiny or weak. ("Hey, knock it off, guys, it isn't funny any more!") And it also can't be angry- it can't seem like a disproportionate response is in the offing if the teaser doesn't back down. It needs to be emotionally grounded, stable, and come from a place of confidence. "I don't find that funny. Here's why. And I believe you know me well enough to understand why that would be the case."