Tell me a funny story from your life

[Rylot]

So I got one. It's long and kinda 'you had to be there' but here goes:

My girlfriend and I are both disabled and use chairs if we're going a long distance or standing for a long time. She's good at wheelchair track (100 & 200 meters) and had made the 2012 Paralympic games in London (competition for the physically disabled held every four years, two weeks after the Olympics using the same venues). I was lucky enough to travel there and watch her compete. Before we got to see each other I stumbled upon an open air flower market and got a small little pink plant in a pot for a few pounds. She liked the plant and kept it in her room in the athlete's village and it did surprisingly well. I figured it'd die before the week was up but on our last day there we were trying to figure out what to do with it.

We didn't really want to throw it out, but just walking up to a stranger and giving them a plotted plant just seemed weird. We were just tooling around in Green Park while trying to figure out what to do. We were debating just planting it in the park and leaving it but we decided to stop and ask a two policemen if there was someplace nearby we could plant it. They couldn't really come up with anywhere so we asked if we'd get in trouble if we just planted it in the park. This was the response: "Normally yeah, but just say it's a memorial to your dead uncle Bob. I mean who's gonna stop two disabled kids during the Paralympics?"

So we went to a relatively quiet part of the park and proceeded to dig in the hard dry soil with two wrenches (this plan was really well thought out). After about twenty minutes of furious digging and looking over our shoulders the deed was done and we went and had Pasties.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

snip

That's fucking funny.

Quick background info for this story: I'm about a foot taller than my sister.

I took her to see an unpopular movie (judging from the turnout) several years ago. It was just me and her and one other person heading into the upstairs theater for a late night showing, and I remember thinking it was quiet as a tomb in that building. We all rounded a corner, my sister and I on the "inside lane" (so to speak) when my head collided with a metallic light fixture on nearby wall (she had passed harmlessly beneath it). It gave off this massive hollow reverberating "DINGGGGG". All three of us tried to keep it together as we walked up the stairs, but both of them started to lose their footing and eventually collapsed in gut-wrenching laughter. It was simply the absolute dumbest way for me to break the silence, and everyone simultaneously trying not to laugh made it much funnier than it actually was.

 

[Mr Fixit]

I went to the beach quite a few years ago with my then girlfriend (who was 18 at the time, this comes into play later), a friend of mine & my sister, very odd grouping but it worked. So one night we decided to get really drunk, room spinning, crawling on the floor drunk & this was fine as long as we were in our room. Then we think it'll be a good idea to go down to the beach at about midnight to build a freaking sand castle. I not sure why, but we didn't take the elevator down, we took the stairs. A massive spiral staircase from the 12th floor, I was so damn dizzy by the time we got to the bottom I nearly stumbled into traffic.

Ok on the beach we start messing around attempting in vain to build this sand castle, when a wave comes up & washes the bucket we were using away down the shoreline, so here I go chasing this bucket, that's getting washed back & forth in the waves, down the beach. Naturally because my girlfriend think i'm going to drown she starts chasing me, so the two of us are stumbling in a zig zag pattern down the beach in the middle of the night. While all this is happening my sister just went to sleep on the beach & my friend walked off the other direction. We did manage to catch the bucket eventually.

We finally make it back to our room & my girlfriend is extremely sick at this point, but she wants to sit on the balcony. I've sobered up a bit by now & here I sit with her half in my lap & dry heaving in a bucket, same bucket I think, when the people in the room next to ours lean over the railing & ask if everything is alright. I say yeah tht she had just had too much to drink, but she'd be fine. So our very nice neighbors said "ok, but let us know if you need any help, we are all cops". So she's 18, the legal drinking age is 21 & I got a room full of people that could throw us all in jail if they felt like it in the room right next to us. And to top it all off, I didn't even get lucky.

 

[Headsprouter]

So my story is for mature eyes and ears but I'll try and make it a little more reader friendly.

So I had just finished my shift at work around 1am and had just got into my car when my best friend (lets call him Dean) rang me. Little background on Dean, he is 21 and a bit of a man slut and generally goes home with a different girl every weekend. Anyway Dean rings me, when i answer all I can manage to make out is him crying to me and repeatedly saying "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital" over and over again now to this I'm freaking out thinking he had been beaten up or something so i try to ask whats wrong and he repeats the same sentence again only this time adding "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital, theres so much blood, I think I've broke it, Omg Im going to faint" at this point i keep asking what has broke then with a sudden clarity i realise he means his manhood.
Now normally I'm the kind of friend that would rush to help someone but he had only two weeks before this laughed at me for falling and cutting my cheek so bad that i needed stitches, so I dragged it out a bit telling him he had to tell his mother that i couldnt get there for at least 30 minutes (even though i was only 5 minutes away) so next he says ok, he keeps me on the phone, and the next thin i hear, is him wake his mother and tell her that he was with a girl and she hurt him really bad, that she broke his penis.... to which his mother replys " what the F***, I've told you about this kind of thing happening, well get the girl to fix it, that will teach you to run after women" then his mother starts laughing and then took out her phone to update her facebook status to inform the world of Deans misfortune.

Needless to say the car journey to hospital was hilarious.

Well, that was intriguing. Did you ever hear what actually happened to his Johnson? He got better, right? I feel a little sorry for him and this story kind of scares me....and I like closure.

Well, I can't think of any decent contribution other than one that isn't as funny to me as it is depressing, so I might avoid that, but there was this funny time I was having a drink with some friends at one of their houses, I head to the bathroom to do my business, walked back in to find the freezer door had fallen off. The guy who lived in the house did it, so thankfully nobody had to suffer any REAL embarrassment or guilt. Also, in the freezer there was a several year-old bottle of Coke Vanilla that kind of...fermented. It was the most awful stuff, so sickly sweet. Of course we made some cool drinks with it...oh, man...that was a fun night.

 

[PsychicTaco115]

When I was 15, me and my family took a cruise to the Caribbean. On the cruise I went on, they had a club for teens only, so I went there and met this girl. We started talking and for the next 2-3 days, we hugged,kissed, etc.

Well, near the end of the cruise she became distant and I found out from a friend of both of ours that she was a lesbian...

So I was either so good I turned a lesbian girl straight or so bad I turned a straight girl lesbian

I really hope it's the former, but you never know

 

[piinyouri]

When I was around 8-9 we were at one f my parents friends house. While the adults sat and drank and played cards/NES us kids played outside. In my little desert town we have a location known as "Q Mountain", which is a decent sized hill/mountain with an arrangement of quartz blocks at the top designed to look like a Q, the letter my town began with.

So this hill is literally in their backyard. As kids do, we got to thinking, and daring each other, until eventually we where both up on the top of it. Climbing that thing was so fun, and being able to see almost all of our town from the top was great for a kid my age at the time.

So I'm admiring the view, when I see this little figure emerge from the house, screeching and wailing indecipherable things. It's my mom, and she's really not happy with me being up there at all. She tells me to get my butt down, and so, being young and unknowing, I proceed to go down the fastest and the perceptively funnest way possible.
By running.

By running down a very large, fairly steep mountain

It worked for a little while, as I gained more and more speed. Before I lost my balance it was really exhilarating.
Then gravity caught up, and down I went. I don't know exactly how I fell, but everyone told me after the fact that I tumbled for quite some time. Over the sharp rocks and through the cholla cactus.
I was cut up pretty bad, my arms felt like they were on fire, since I instinctively used them to cover my face as I rolled down the hill. My arms felt so bad that I didn't even notice my knee, which was, for a kid my age, absolutely gushing blood. I nearly fainted when I saw it. After they cleaned my knee up, I spent the next 15 minutes sitting in the ice chest trying to alleviate the burning feeling all over my body.

 

[Jingle Fett]

Here's a videogame related one. My younger sister has been playing Ocarina of Time for the first time the last few weeks and I make it a habit of being there while she plays, help her out on occasion, that sort of thing plus it's fun to watch.
Anyways, she was in the Goron City after beating the Dodongo's Cavern and she found this one area that was blocked by a wall that could be blown up with bomb flowers.
So ok she figures, she picks up one of the bomb flowers next to it, and blows it up. There's another wall behind it, so she blows that one up too and there's another behind that one. "What?! Really?!" Now she's annoyed (she gets kind of exaggerated when she get annoyed and rages a lot so it's pretty funny). She blows up that one and I think there was another one behind that one and she got that one too, pretty angry at this point.
So now there's the long narrow corridor "FINALLY, ugh, there better not be another wall at the end". Well she walks down the corridor, goes around the corner and....lo and behold, there's another wall Well I cracked up because I knew the wall was going to be there and didn't bother telling her and she starts raging again while she ran back and got another bomb flower and blew up the wall. And then another.
Finally she makes to the end of the room and it's the room where the giant goron is. So with all that work she says "there better be something good back here" and after all, this big guy has to have something right? So she talks to the giant goron and he says herp derp come back in 7 years. She looks around the room to see if there's anything else. "SERIOUSLY?? THAT'S IT?? ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHING??" I said "u mad bro?" and burst out laughing xD

 

[saoirse13]

So my story is for mature eyes and ears but I'll try and make it a little more reader friendly.

So I had just finished my shift at work around 1am and had just got into my car when my best friend (lets call him Dean) rang me. Little background on Dean, he is 21 and a bit of a man slut and generally goes home with a different girl every weekend. Anyway Dean rings me, when i answer all I can manage to make out is him crying to me and repeatedly saying "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital" over and over again now to this I'm freaking out thinking he had been beaten up or something so i try to ask whats wrong and he repeats the same sentence again only this time adding "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital, theres so much blood, I think I've broke it, Omg Im going to faint" at this point i keep asking what has broke then with a sudden clarity i realise he means his manhood.
Now normally I'm the kind of friend that would rush to help someone but he had only two weeks before this laughed at me for falling and cutting my cheek so bad that i needed stitches, so I dragged it out a bit telling him he had to tell his mother that i couldnt get there for at least 30 minutes (even though i was only 5 minutes away) so next he says ok, he keeps me on the phone, and the next thin i hear, is him wake his mother and tell her that he was with a girl and she hurt him really bad, that she broke his penis.... to which his mother replys " what the F***, I've told you about this kind of thing happening, well get the girl to fix it, that will teach you to run after women" then his mother starts laughing and then took out her phone to update her facebook status to inform the world of Deans misfortune.

Needless to say the car journey to hospital was hilarious.

Well, that was intriguing. Did you ever hear what actually happened to his Johnson? He got better, right? I feel a little sorry for him and this story kind of scares me....and I like closure.

Well he is fine now, basically he and this girl got a little too excited and in the excitement one or both of them moved the wrong way, and something snapped. Apparently he didn't realise straight away but they noticed the ehhh blood and thought that it was her not him to begin with. Once the realised she made a sharpish exit and thats when he called me (being the fantastic friend that i am). He is fine now, maybe a slightly bruised ego and he tends to avoid this girl now. He has a slight scar from the experience, but everything is in working order it only took him a month to get back into his usual routine and still hasn't found a woman to settle him though not from lack of meeting and going home with as many women as he still can. He learnt nothing haha

 

[saoirse13]

So my story is for mature eyes and ears but I'll try and make it a little more reader friendly.

So I had just finished my shift at work around 1am and had just got into my car when my best friend (lets call him Dean) rang me. Little background on Dean, he is 21 and a bit of a man slut and generally goes home with a different girl every weekend. Anyway Dean rings me, when i answer all I can manage to make out is him crying to me and repeatedly saying "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital" over and over again now to this I'm freaking out thinking he had been beaten up or something so i try to ask whats wrong and he repeats the same sentence again only this time adding "Please I need you to come and lift me and take me to the hospital, theres so much blood, I think I've broke it, Omg Im going to faint" at this point i keep asking what has broke then with a sudden clarity i realise he means his manhood.
Now normally I'm the kind of friend that would rush to help someone but he had only two weeks before this laughed at me for falling and cutting my cheek so bad that i needed stitches, so I dragged it out a bit telling him he had to tell his mother that i couldnt get there for at least 30 minutes (even though i was only 5 minutes away) so next he says ok, he keeps me on the phone, and the next thin i hear, is him wake his mother and tell her that he was with a girl and she hurt him really bad, that she broke his penis.... to which his mother replys " what the F***, I've told you about this kind of thing happening, well get the girl to fix it, that will teach you to run after women" then his mother starts laughing and then took out her phone to update her facebook status to inform the world of Deans misfortune.

Needless to say the car journey to hospital was hilarious.

That is one of the best stories I have EVER heard!

It still give me a laugh everytime i think about it. Makes me laugh when i've had a bad day I just think about that phone call and his mothers reaction.