Tell me a story.

[Jack Joe Tip Toe]

It's pretty self-explanatory. Just tell me a story that you have. I doesn't matter what kind of story either. Here's mine.

While growing up I was a big fan of wrestling (I still am) and every single one of my friends loved wrestling. If you're a fan of wrestling you should know of the "Don't try this at home" ads and as kids we didn't pay attention to these ads. If you tell a kid not to do something that will only tempt him to do that thing even more. So while I was outside one day with some friends we got bored of doing whatever, so we decided to impersonate wrestlers. I was acting like The Rock, and my two other friends where Triple H and Kurt Angle. We talked smack to each other and it sounded terrible since I couldn't say such great phrases as "Candy-ass" and "It's damn true" since we were kids. I got bored of all the talking and decided to start some action. I said "The Rock is tired of listening to your crap mouth!" I kicked "Triple H" in the gut and set him up for the pedigree (Why did I do the pedigree while acting like The Rock I don't know) and I hit the move on him and did The Rock's signature pose on a lawn chair as a way of celebrating my so-called victory. I turned around and saw that my friend hadn't moved a muscle since I hit the move on him. I turned him over and saw that I cracked his head wide open and a big blood stain was left on my patio. I should have reacted with "HOLY SHIT! I NEED TO GET HELP! HOLY SHIT THIS IS BAD!" But instead I yelled "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY KING! HE'S BUSTED OPEN!" And me and my still conscious were just laughing our asses off until my dad came out to see what all the noise was. I tried to make my dad go back inside and not notice my friend knocked out and bleeding on his patio, but not surprisingly it didn't work. He saw my friend laying on the ground with blood on his head and reacted with "HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL DID YOU KIDS DO TO HIM? I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM!" and being stupid I was still laughing until my dad approached me and began to spank the living hell out of me in front of my friends. Making me the temporary laughing stock of the neighborhood. My friend finally came back to reality and started to cry because of all the blood he had on him. My dad got a towel for him and wanting not to get shit on his back for being a terrible parent he told my friend not to tell his parents and if he didn't tell he would be rewarded. So my friend complied and got his reward. What was his reward? A free copy of "Charlie's Angles: The video game" and a pizza.

 

[Esotera]

That story was absolutely amazing and I don't think I'll be able to beat it, but here goes...

My friend's parents were out of the country for a couple of weeks, and as it was the summer holidays we'd been having parties round their house pretty much every night. As it was the last night my friend for some reason my friend wanted to prove he was invincible by drinking a whole bottle of vodka.

Anyway, 2/3 of the bottle on he fell asleep and we decided to dress him up like Lady Smurf. Tights, makeup, tampons in the ear, and everything. After a bit of this he woke up, screamed 'I HATE YOU GUYS' and ran off out of the house at about 4am. As he was really hammered and we live close to a National Park we sent a search party after him...who found out that he'd just been running back and forth down the main road in town.

 

[shootthebandit]

This is a story all about how my life got turned upside down.

I was born and raised in west philidelphia and many a day was spend outside the school playing recreational ball games . One day a few scallywags whose intention was to cause harm decided to terrorise the community. I engaged in fisticuffs with these fellows and my mother was frightened so she sent me to live with my aunty and uncle in bel air.

I gestured a carriage and on approach i noticed his licence plate said "fresh" and he had some novelty dice in his rear view mirror which may impede on his view of the road. I treated him with an aire suspicsion as i commenced my journey to the kingdom known as bel air.

I approach a mansion at mid evening and i made a quip regarding the drivers personal hygene. I observed my new domain and i can now refer to myself the prince of bel air

 

[Gatx]

I have a fun story about a friend of my dad's from China, so I guess it's actually my dad's story. Anyway, this friend didn't like to wear seat belts. Being oh so clever he bought a messenger bag with one strap which he wore while driving in order to make it look like he wore a seat belt, and when who can tell right? In China almost everyone's car has tinted windows, and you're both in motion so how can a cop tell the difference. Anyway one day he actually gets stopped, and when the cop comes to his window he asks nonchalantly, "What's the problem officer?" And the cop goes "You're seat belt is on the wrong side." True story.

Oh, also this one interesting thing happened to me once. I was taking the train on my way to go home for winter break (this was while I was in school obviously) when this random guy sits down in the seat next to me, gives half of his subway foot long (it was a BLT) and says, "That's for you, buddy." He then proceeds to tell me about life, his and in general, gets drunk, and says he's going down into Mexico to get prostitutes ("Because it's not ILLegal down there, it's LEGAL"), and to my great horror, tries to introduce me to a group of girls that got on at the stop right before mine. I've never been able to work this incident into any story with a point though because it's just so weird...

 

[Scott Rothman]

One time when I was 8, I dared my younger brother (5 at the time) to pee on my floor. He did.

 

[Pink Gregory]

I have a cautionary tale.

"See a worm, pick it up. All the day, you'll have a worm."

 

[Fox12]

"For sale. Babies shoes. Never worn."

-Ernest Hemingway.

 

[___________________]

Life's a ***** and then you die. The end.

 

[Zepherus14]

I shall tell you a wonderful story.

It is called... The Ugly Barnacle.

Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The End.

 

[saintdane05]

I think I can have a different person tell it to you.
<youtube=G2U8yfKM9nY>

 

[Shinsei-J]

I've got a good one if we're on the topic of dads.

I call it "Don't tell anyone how much it cost"
The day started like every other summer day in this small beach town, boringly. While the reat of the family had stuff to do dad and I had nothing so we decided to have some fun. Went out to breakfast, costs a little, drove an hour and went to the movies, costs quite a bit but so far we'd had fun. Now it's only lunch time and we've spent way to much already this is when we get the idea. No idea how we got it but it was there, kitesurfing lessons! It's $800 for the rest of the day but fun as hell.

Only did we learn on the way home that it was per person, for 3 hours. We had spent 5.
We never talked about that day again.

 

[Duncan Belfast]

Let me tell you about a bad day I had.

So my laptop battery had died, so I had to go out and buy a new one. On the way there, one of my tires ruptures, so I pull onto a side street and call for some roadside assistance. An hour and a half later, they show up and put the spare on. The street I'm on is a big, long loop, so I pull into an apartment parking lot, looking for an alley to turn around. It turns out the parking lot is a dead end, and while trying to turn around, I back into one of the apartment windows. So then, I had to wait another hour and a half for the police to show up. I had to pay a $115 fine for "failure to reverse properly" (go figure), $400 to replace the window and $200 for new tires. So I ended up needing to pay more than $700, and I hadn't even dealt with the reason I was out there in the first place.

Then I had to work a closing shift delivering pizza.

Then, a few months later, I moved into the building next door.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

A couple years ago I went to India on a climbing trip with two friends, let's call them A and R. We were in Mumbai waiting for a train that was coming around 6 in the morning to take us to Hospet. Someone working at the train station recognized us as tourists (Being white and carrying massive bags) and offered us the VIP room to wait in free of charge. We initially declined saying that we could wait out here (we had been suckered out of some money a couple times already) but he was insistent so we eventually accepted and waited in the VIP room. Because we haven't slept yet R is rather tired so she props up her bags and starts sleeping on them.

So, as we're waiting a portly Indian guy, who doesn't appear to work for the train station, wanders(carrying a bag with a bunch of alcohol despite there being a "No alcohol" sign on the door). He sits down next to us and starts talking with a very thick accent that we have a lot of trouble interpreting. At this point we just kind of want him to leave so we won't get in trouble for him being in here with alcohol. Not to mention that he's very clearly drunk as he's talking to us. He starts talking to A, and asking how old she is and if she's married. A feels rather uncomfortable, and has been travelling for a while and has had people rag on her/hit on her a fair bit for not being married at her age, so she slips on a ring she had on her and tells the guy that she's married to me and we're on our honeymoon.

This backfires. At this point he gets all excited and starts planning our honeymoon for us. Which is difficult to understand with his aforementioned thick accent. He spends about a half an hour talking about this island we should go to and trying to tell us what "cashew nuts" are. When he doesn't think we're understanding what he's saying he starts, reasonably lightly, slapping R on the face to wake her up so she can help us understand. The evening culminates when he starts talking to me while leaning forward so that his face is inches away from mine and his hands are gripping my legs. Apparently noticing my discomfort when he asks me "Are you feeling uncomfortable" to which I sheepishly squeek "Nope, completely fine". He eventually left after about 3-4 hours or so.

Not necessarily the most exciting story, but damn was that awkward

 

[Extra-Ordinary]

I shall tell you a wonderful story.

It is called... The Ugly Barnacle.

Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The End.

I think I can have a different person tell it to you.
<youtube=G2U8yfKM9nY>

Darn it, you two.
That's EXACTLY what I was going for.

 

[Bob Thenecromancer]

There once was a man named after a board game. Who liked to.write stories. He lived on an island called YouTube. One day a man who owned a boat named the Escapist asked the man named after a board game to travel with him.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Hmm, either I have a boring life or a bad memory because I can't remember much.

When I was just ickle, I saw an advert for Cadburys and the logo (two glasses of milk poured together) made me think that's how you make chocolate. So I got my chair and pushed it up to the sink - I used to carry a green childs garden chair around with me when I couldn't reach things. I grabbed two bottles of milk and poured the whole lot into the sink at the same time, hoping for chocolate.
Obviously my mum went mental at me wasting all that milk. Companies shouldn't false advertise! ;_;

Spoiler: rude story. Read at own risk

last time my boyfriend came over, he was in the bathroom and my neighbour who came to visit wanted to use it, so she popped into my bedroom to say hi while he finished.

Well me and the boyfriend just had a fairly wonderful sexy time session so I wasn't dressed. I managed to poorly cover myself with a dressing gown and throw the covers over the stains on the bed LOL. Unfortunately my outfits, our 'toys' and lube were strewn all over the bed *dies of shame* I couldn't look her in the eyes ;__;

rather fortunately she's a lesbian and has mentioned she owns a few toys herself so she seemed cool about it. It was still so embarrassing but hilarious when the shame died down. I was half sobbing and laughing when I told my boyfriend what happened.
She seemed slightly unfazed and thankfully didn't tell my mum because she'd love to humiliate me as publicly as possible ;__;

 

[jamail77]

Why must my life be so boring!?!?!

I actually do have a couple interesting stories. I can only think of 1 at the moment though. One day I was 8 years old (I know! How many of us were 8 years old at one point, right?) and it was the night of 9/11 in the 'ol U.S.A. My house is arranged a little weird/crowded/my Mom's reasoning was weird so my brother slept in my Mom's room at the time. Don't ask; just know I lived with my single mom as this was a divorced family and that's part of the reason among other things. So I was jumping up and down on her water bed. It's like a trampoline after all so few kids could resist I imagine. Right next to that bed is my brother's bed. Every minute or so I'd jump from bed to bed. Well, on one jump both my feet touched the corner of his bed and I was barely balancing myself on it. Now, his bed was no ordinary bed; it's one of those fold-up beds with wheels (not couch bed though) that is held together below and also closes via metal connections below. I begged my brother to pull me up; since he was annoyed at the jumping he refused. I fell off and my right arm got caught in the metal connections below and with the momentum from the fall and the angle I fell at it got all twisted in them. I cried for 20 seconds then told my Mom when she came home very soon after that I was fine. The pain stopped and so did my tears. My arm looked exactly like Bart Simpsons' when Lisa was "babysitting" him and he broke it. If you don't know Bart's was like jello and he hung it at a 90 degree angle at the elbow with his fingers pointing down. So, now I tell people this and add in the detail that I broke my arm on the night of 9/11 for whatever reason since it obviously is not why I broke it. I also find it a bit embarrassing because people usually break their arms in much more dangerous things like sports or something risqué outdoors. Strangely, I don't remember the getting x-rayed and cast put on part very well.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

The reason toilets have that "u" or "~" bend in their plumbing is to keep the smell out. When da poopoo gets flushed down, some water remains at the bottom of the bend and prevents the smell from travelling up the john. A toilet with a straight drop, thus not having that buffer of water, smells like poopoo.

 

[Da Orky Man]

The last person on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door...

 

[Nooners]

Movies have the Oscars. Music has the Grammys. Animation and cartooning have the Reuben Awards.

I went to the post-Reuben festival to meet some of the cartoonists I've talked about on my YouTube channel. Jerry Scott (who writes Zits and Baby Blues) recognized me and pulled me out of line to chat for a few minutes. I also met Jim Borgman (Zits' artist) Mark Tatulli (creator of Lio) and Rick Kirkman (Baby Blues' artist). They all admitted they loved my show, and gave me a bunch of awesome stuff. Probably gonna be the best day of my year.

[youtube.com/watch?v=RmFy3ZcDXZ0]